This is the 2nd title this week referencing Willy Wonka, first being this week’s podcast. It’s a gee-dee Gene Wilder renaissance up in here (up in here)! I miss Gene Wilder, taken way too soon from us. Oh, he’s not dead. He just stopped being funny a’la Dan Aykroyd. (By the way, Aykroyd is a good ten to twenty years younger than you think he is. 64?! I thought he was 64 in Driving Miss Daisy.) I’m thankful for Thomas Middleditch replacing Gene Wilder. If you have no idea who that is, it’s the lead character on Silicon Valley, who is a dead ringer for a young and still alive Gene Wilder. With all of this Wonka talk, tell me you can look at David Dahl in his purple uniform and not hear in your head, “Violet, you’re turning violet.” Or look at the trough you pee in at the next baseball game and tell me you don’t hear, “What a disgusting, dirty river! Industrial waste, that. You’ve ruined your watershed, Wonka: it’s polluted.” Only to realize it’s not poop, but chocolate. Wait, it’s not chocolate, is it? Well, if you want to view paradise, simply look around at David Dahl’s stats and view it. There’s nothing to it. Anything he wants to do, he can do it. There’s no players I know to compare to a pure 30/30 player like David Dahl. Oompa Loompa doopie-what-can-Rockies’-Dahl-do? That’s another puzzle I have for you. He can hit for power, steal bases and likely platoon on the strong side of the left field platoon, unless the Rockies trade CarGo or Blackmon. Anything, that’s what Dahl can do. Want to change the world? There’s nothing to it. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Prior to getting into the Buy/Sell, I just wanted to update everyone on P0rk burn. If you missed my announcement earlier this week, he passed away last week, leaving behind two toddlers. Unlike Gene Wilder and Dan Aykroyd, P0rk Burn is really gone. P0rk was also the genius behind sonavabench, was the one who had the idea for the very first RCL and was supremely caustic, which is exactly what Razzball can never have enough of. I said I would update everyone when the fund for his kids became available, so here it is. Sonavabench, indeed. Anyway II, the Buy/Sell:
Alex Dickerson – Everyone be like, Dickerson’s a buy, buy buy, look at me dancing like ‘N Sync. Yeah, I know, I told you to buy him last week. So, it’s nice the rest of the fantasy world caught up on it. Don’t forget who butters your biscuits and walks your dog when you’re on vacation. The Fantasy Master Lothario (don’t abbreviate it).
Yasmany Tomas – Another guy I told you to grab about four days before everyone else. Don’t fret, if you missed out, there will be more fish in the sea. *looking closer through the binoculars while being flown in a helicopter off the coast of Miami* Hmm, I’m not sure that’s a fish. Unless it’s a dolphin wearing an Aroldis jersey.
Max Kepler – “Um, Grey, I regularly wake in a sweat, thinking of you. It’s a good sweat, by the way. Any hoo! Why isn’t Naquin the Chef listed in your Buys? Are we over him?” No, Naquin is owned in more than 50% of leagues, if he wasn’t, he’d be listed too.
Hernan Perez – If you don’t need steals, then don’t waste time with this speed piece, don’t waste time with this speed piece. You should be rolling with Dahl or Yasmany, you should be rolling with Kepler or Yasmany (huh!). This is real life fantasy, real life fantasy! Have your cake and eat it by the ocean! Or some shizz. Sorry, that song is stuck in my head.
Joey Gallo – I was between Gallo, Dahl, Kepler and Dickerson as potential ledes this week. Let me just say, all year I’ve been complaining there’s no outfielders to pick up, but, guess what, prematurely balding men, there’s some outfielders now. Wanna read more on my Joey Gallo fantasy. That’s a little old, but it still applies. Or apples, if you’re a fruit lover. Hey, no judgments!
Travis Jankowski – I don’t think there’s any coincidence that his nickname, Tra-Jank, sounds like tragic. Not a huge fan, but you know who is? The Hitter-Tron this weekend. Meanwhile, this weekend, the Hitter-Tron will be rubbing its metal body on a microwave, waiting for it to beep.
Yasmani Grandal – I haven’t stopped liking Grandal since I picked him up about a month ago. I also haven’t been fully aware of owning him, concentrating on more important team fixes like outfielders and pitchers.
Tyler Skaggs – With as much as I’ve talked about Skaggs you’d think I was his sestra. Sestra, please! You work for UPS! I loved what Skaggs did in his first start, but going vs. the Red Sox is a whole different ballgame. “Not entirely.” That’s the Ghost of Abner Doubleday.
Adam Conley – He has a 3.38 ERA with nearly a K per inning. Now, look at the worst pitcher on your fantasy team and tell me he’s better than Conley.
Bud Norris – Another Stream-o-Nator call. Like the call it makes to telemarketers to ask to be surveyed, just to feel some sort of human connection. Stream-o-Nator is sad!
Carlos Estevez – He’s the Rockies closer. This isn’t like owning a Rockies pitcher — though Gray has been the bomb dot gov — this is a guy that comes on for one inning and gets a save. What’s the problem?
Jim Johnson – Yes, he’s garbage that fell between your couch cushions that you moved out to a dumpster and then a skunk lived on that couch for five years, but Johnson is getting saves.
Marwin Gonzalez – He’s hit in eleven straight games with four homers in that time. I counted (possibly wrong).
Jedd Gyorko – Okay, so the outfielders’ cup in the Buy be runneth over, but the 1st basemen have one Gyorko and another who sounds like Elmer Fudd saying Marvin.
Trea Turner – I don’t get it. Please, illuminate my mind like this China ball lantern I bought from Ikea for $7. Everyone wants Turner when he doesn’t have a job, then he does play, and hits leadoff and he’s only owned in 25% of leagues? Huh?
Howie Kendrick – Hitting near-.370 in the last month. If the history of baseball began on June 30th, 2016 and ended a month later, Kendrick would be a 1st ballot Hall of Famer. Deal with that!
Javier Baez – Candle! As in can’t handle. I candle that Baez isn’t owned in 50% of leagues. Serious candle. A lavender-scented candle that is making me dizzy.
Alex Bregman – Sure, you gave him about a week, so, of course, he’s being dropped. Oh…*pounds out a chicken cutlet, fills it with spinach and ricotta cheese, rolls it up, ties it with twine, bakes it on 450 for 18-22 minutes, pulls it out and breathes in the aroma* …kay. That’s the Chicken Florentine pause.
Raul Mondesi – I picked him up in two leagues, but I also dropped him in both leagues because I don’t need Jarrod Dyson at shortstop. That’s not an insult on Mondesi. If I didn’t have Villar and an abundance of steals, I would own Mondesi. He’s got promise, big time. In fact, he’s got the whole world in French.
Clayton Kershaw – You were feeling pretty good with yourself when you drafted Kershaw, and your self-hugs only became longer and more sexual in nature as Kershaw ran the table in just about every game he pitched in. A 1.79 ERA on the year is nothing to sneeze at, unless you’re allergic to great pitchers. And if you are, I have a David Price to trade to you. But when a guy has been out a month with no timetable, it’s code for, “Honey, I got this card for babysitting services, wanna go see a movie? The babysitter’s name? It’s Casey Anthony.” I’m not saying to trade Kershaw for a case of previously licked Lemonheads, but I would explore options.