Roy Halladay makes every hitter look like Babe Ruth right after he burped. (Burping was the key to his success; I watched a documentary.) Roy’s gotta hit the Disgraceful List, doesn’t he? I mean, it’s in everyone’s best interest at this point. Watching him is like seeing Carol Channing before someone told her to use a mirror to apply makeup. “How’d I get this lipstick on my ears? Maybe a dab of mascara on the ol’ chin!” You should’ve heard me saying that line like Carol Channing in my head. It’s just real sloppy out there right now for Roy. If he’s not hurt, his fantasy owners may find him in a dark alley and change that. If he is hurt, stop taking one for the team, you gamer you. “I’m a gamer. I grind like I’m old school, Jodeci, going riding roughshod over fantasy ratios…Horatio…Alger, in reverse.” That’s Roy doing beat poetry. At this point, I’d bench him against most teams until he starts piecing together something less craptastic. You might, unfortunately, have the reincarnation of 2012 Lincecum. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Delmon Young – 2-for-3 and a homer as he was activated from the DL. Yay. For now, Mayberry will see the most reduction in playing time, but Charlie Manuel now has a reason to bench Domonic Brown again. As Charlie Manuel said, “When you suck the crawdaddy’s head, salt water there, and delicious flavorings. Suck a conch on the beach and you get sand in your mouth.”
Nick Swisher – Day-to-day with shoulder soreness. Don’t worry, ladies, his sideburns are fine.
Ryan Raburn – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd day in a row with two homers. Well, that was all I had to see. Goodbye, Nolan Reimold, don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya!
Drew Stubbs – 3-for-4, 3 runs, and a slam & legs. Stubbs likes his slam & legs with BBQ sauce. <–trivia!
Carlos Santana – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer as he hits .389, which is better than any hits by 311.
Lonnie Chisenhall – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs as Lonnie said gonnie to his third homer. Okay, so everyone hit yesterday for the Indians. It was a bountiful feast the Indians haven’t enjoyed in a long while. Beware the Yankees coming to town carrying chicken pox.
Zach McAllister – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, 3.30 ERA on the year. He’s really just a 4-ish ERA guy. To that point, his peripherals look nearly identical to his 4.24 ERA in 2012. So far, the only difference is his BABIP is slightly suppressed. I don’t mind him if the match-ups are right, but he’s not an every start guy.
Pablo Sandoval – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Guess the elbow was okay. Looks like at least some of you dodged the wrath of The Day The World Lost Giancarlo And Those Other Guys.
Madison Bumgarner – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks as he sang Rhett Miller’s This Is What I Do.
Zack Greinke – Threw from 90 feet. So he’s coming back as a 2nd baseman making a throw home? I just need 60 feet and six inches from him. Please, Your Deity of Choice, and thank you.
Hyun-Jin Ryu – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks. Who had him ranked about 100 spots before any other site? Yes, me. ESPN didn’t even rank him, but I guess that’s not saying that much.
Hanley Ramirez – 2-for-4 with a solo homer as he started for the first time all year. When you’re in May, it doesn’t seem like from March to May is that long? Whoa, I sound so stoned.
Joel Hanrahan – Was activated from the DL. In the last two weeks, the Red Sox have said Bailey would keep the job, then Hanrahanananananan would get the job back, then yesterday they retracted their previous retraction and said Bailey would keep the job. If you’re trying to sleep with the Red Sox saves, you could catch charges. “They kept saying Hanrahan and then right before we consummated our SAGNOF… They yelled Bailey! I know, I should’ve just went with Perkins, but I was lonely and the Red Sox seemed interested in me.”
Jon Lester – 6 IP, 5 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. Salty chucked one ball down the right field line on a pick-off attempt that caused a couple of runs to score and might’ve rattled Lester, but, well, I don’t own Lester so schadenfreude!
David Ortiz – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs, hitting .500 since he returned. This career could’ve been yours, Mo Vaughn!
Jonny Gomes – 1-for-2 with his first homer. He’s not starting every day, but he usually gets crazy hot after he hits a homer. Definitely keep a close eye on him. Not a closed eye, you look like a pirate.
Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs with his eighth and ninth homers. Anyone taking that bet of Edwin being better than Bautista this year?
Brandon Morrow – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks. He’s been close to decent his last two times out, so, as they say in the IT department, he should be all systems-a-go-go for his next start.
Nate McLouth – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. He’s hitting .346 on the year with 8 steals, .545 in the last seven days and this was his 2nd homer in three days. McLouth must be staying at a Renaissance Inn.
Trevor Cahill – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks. Here’s a fun little game I call, “This guy or Roy Halladay?” This guy, Cahill, has a 2.61 ERA. Roy Halladay kicked your dog.
Mike Moustakas – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his first homer. The Greek God of Suck has arisen because of my shaming. You’re welcome! Now ten more homers in the next nine days and we’d be so cool, and removing that stupid toga and putting on some pants would help too.
Salvador Perez – 2-for-4, 1 RBI. I hear ya on this doode. He’s been lukewarm garbage with a side of yawn. I’m praying last night was Ron Popeil tapping his chest twice and pointing at us that he will repay our patience with Perez.
Matt Joyce – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer and third in the last four games. Yes, you should pick him up. Yes, right now.
James Loney – 3-for-4, hitting .373. I don’t know how the Rays do it every year, but it always seems like they get a 1st baseman who hits for a huge, empty average. You’d think Keith Hernandez was coaching there. You shouldn’t have shaved your ‘stache, Keith. You’re fair game now.
David Freese – The Cardinals are going to give him a few days off to clear his head. They couldn’t just give him five shots of tequila?
Jaime Garcia – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, 2.50 ERA so far, or shofar if you’re Jewish. Hymie’s one of the bigger surprises for me thus far. I thought this guy had injury concerns. Well, still a long way to go before he’s even approaching 150 IP.
Matt Holliday – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Might be the most yawnstipating three-hole hitter. Scary thing is– Don’t put your head under the covers, it’s not that scary. The scary thing is he’s only about 1 homer and 5 extra hits away from being exactly on pace for preseason projections. 25-ish homers and a .300 average just aren’t that exciting when you’re living through it.
Eric Young Jr. – DNP because the Rockies don’t want the Human Sparkplug. Every time he’s in their lineup they explode for dozens of runs (small exaggeration) and when he’s on the bench, they lose. You’ve roped me in, Walt Weiss, now at least you can have the decency to play him. Give me my just desserts!
Michael Morse – 2-for-4 and his 8th homer. Since I don’t own him anywhere, can someone Jeff Gillooly his pinkie finger with a chicken drumstick or something?
Stephen Strasburg – Nats GM, Mike Rizzo said Strasburg won’t miss a start and his arm is “structurally perfect.” He sounds like a James Bond villain. Now if only the Nats can get the frickin’ laser beams on Strasburg’s arm working.
Gio Gonzalez – 4 IP, 5 ER, 12 baserunners, 9 K. Glass half full: he gave you over a 20 K/9 ratio. Glass half empty: he mucked up your ERA and your WHIP. Glass full of reality: your league doesn’t count K/9 and your staff ace has a 5.34 ERA and a 1.38 WHIP on the year. Now where’s my glass full of scotch?
Andrelton Simmons – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 1 RBI and his 2nd homer. I wouldn’t say it’s set in carbon like Han Solo, but Andrelton has been towards the top of the lineup recently and was hitting lead-off yesterday. Hello, value, would you like a boon?
Freddie Freeman – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs as he picked up the slack that Justin Upton left with an 0-for-2 and zero RBIs. That Justin Upton is a bum!
Chris Johnson – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .369 in 84 ABs. For those worried about playing time, those 84 ABs are enough to qualify him for the batting title (if the season ended 5 months early) and Johnson would be leading the league. For serious.
Giancarlo Stanton – Was diagnosed with a Grade 2 hamstring strain. I believe that means in three weeks his hamstring will know its times tables.
A.J. Pierzynski – Sat out yesterday with oblique soreness. Would’ve never happened had he been Pierzynsnowshoe.
Chris Carter – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, now batting .227. If he can bat his weight this year, you’re in for a really cheap Willingham-type season. Or as Carter calls him, Eatingham.
Alex Avila – 1-for-3 with his 3rd homer. Looks like the two days off this weekend to get his head right might’ve worked. Or maybe something Miggy did is making AA want to make amends.
Prince Fielder – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Miggy also hit his 4th homer. Can the Astros, Padres, Mariners and Marlins put together one team that could beat the Tigers in a best three out of five? Selig should remove the toupee and try a salary cap.
Peter Bourjos – Because the Angels-A’s Monday game went until the crack of Dawn Wells, I wasn’t able to update all player statuses. Bourjos hit the DL with a hamstring injury. I’m beginning to think Bourjos has Mat Gamel Disease. The warning signs of that are, “Once a player gets a nice position in the lineup and an everyday job, they get hurt,” and diarrhea.
Krispie Young – Also, hurt in the late A’s-Angels game. Did they play that game in a steel cage? Is 20/20 gonna have a special about baseball being fake? I got questions, y’all!
Coco Crisp – A game that saw Crisp and Krispie go down should’ve seen Eric Sogard and Eric Soggyer do well.
Jarrod Parker – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks. It’s two steps forward, but after he took about twenty giant steps back I’d want to see more.
Cody Ransom – Third homer this week. If I’ve mentioned Cody Ransom more than once in a week, it means only one thing. He’s lying on your sofa, watching Locked Abroad? No, Random Italicized Voice. He’s a hot schmotato.
David DeJesus – 1-for-5 with his 4th homer. If you remember, he was mentioned a lot last week as a hot bat. Well, he’s still going. Groove is in the DeJesus.
Yonder Alonso – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam & legs. Yawnder’s been perfectly acceptable, but if owning him gives you an erection longer than 4 hours, seek medical attention.
Mat Latos – Nursing hip tightness. Reds say he shouldn’t miss a start, but they will be monitoring his hips. Mean’s while, I will monitor his wife’s hips. Hubba hubba, Mr. Lover Lover. “Hey, Dallas, you ever been to Cali? How about riding a mustache out here?”
Gaby Sanchez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. If Jason Collins dates Gaby, is that gay? I guess if their balls touch. Basketball to baseball, I mean.
Andrew McCutchen – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Well, maybe it’s best you didn’t slide through that McCutchen Buy Low window after what happened to Giancarlo.
Starling Marte – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. It’s still so early to be thinking about this, but since I can’t ever have anything nice, I keep thinking about how expensive Marte is gonna be next year. I need to tell my shrink about these Marte pangs.
Russell Martin – 2-for-5 with his 3rd homer in the last three games. Are the Pirates and Brewers playing with a Wiffle Ball? Oh, wait, it’s Gopher Ball McGillicuddy…
Marco Estrada – 5 IP, 5 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. I’m beginning to think (Fill-In-Name) vs. the MIA Marlins is a better starter than Estrada. Doode is scared to throw pitches off the plate. We need a hybrid of YoGa and Estrada. I will call him Downward Facing Estrada and he will be awesome and walk people in the right situations and bake me Snickerdoodle cookies. Hey, it’s my hybrid!
Yuniesky Betancourt – 1-for-5 with his 6th homer. At some point the heavens are gonna open and say, “Yuniesky? He’s not good. Let me fix his home runs per fly balls.” Yes, God is Bill James. Look at the beard. It’s obvious.
Jean Segura – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. Jean Segura, the silent film actor, speaks with his bat, and title cards, “Get the cops! They’re robbing the bank!” holds hankie to forehead histrionically.
Rickie Weeks – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Right there is a good week for Weeks.
Jeremy Hefner – 8 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks. Exhibit A for Fill-In-Name vs. the MIA Marlins.
Adrian Beltre – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer as he bats .222. I’ve been actively trying to buy Beltre low for the last two days, but I don’t think it’s gonna happen. It was Choo for Beltre. Was addressing both of our needs and seemed totally fair. I even offered to throw in Moustakas and Arenado so they had a 3rd baseman. Very, very, very fair, right? (Yes, I’m doing this blurb as a last ditch effort to make it happen).
Mitch Moreland – 3-for-3, run and RBI. Without even looking, I immediately knew this game was in Arlington. Moreland likes home cooking and long walks on the beach. Mostly just the home cooking.
Dewayne Wise – 4-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Much better day than his brother, Other.
Kevin Slowey – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks. In fairness to the Astros, Marlins, Twins and Padres, the Mets hitting won’t be reaching into any team’s chest Kali Ma-style any time soon, especially when John Buck sits. Yes, I know how weird that sounds.
Chris Nelson – Yankees are showing interest in Chris Nelson. The Yankees basically show interest in anyone that is released by another club. In the biz they call that, “Not funny but true.”
Mark Teixeira – Best case scenario for his return is now June. To recap, Jeter was supposed to be back in March, he’s aiming for late-July. Tex was supposed to be back late-April, he’s aiming for June. A-Rod was aiming for July and ended up with a girl named, Butch.
Curtis Granderson – Aiming for a mid-May return. Imagine he returned with the Lindbergh baby. Remember, I broke the story first.
Kevin Youkilis – Did you know his last name is a portmanteau of his mother’s name “You” and father’s name “Suckilis?” You didn’t know that? It is. Anyway, he was placed on the DL.
Eduardo Nunez – 3-for-4, 1 run. Hasn’t done much of anything thus far, but for those struggling at MI, Nunez could become a hot schmotato and steal 5 bases in a week.
Hiroki Kuroda – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. Astros. After he cleared the Astros’ table, Kuroda spatula-flipped Jose Altuve into his chef’s hat.
