In an incredible turn of events, I’ve done all the infield 2019 fantasy baseball rankings. Less incredible, you’ve read them. It’s like that time your favorite team won because they played better than that other team but you convinced yourself they won because you cheered loudly. When I win the Fantasy Baseball Blogger of the Millennial in 2099, and my frozen head is accepting the award, I’m going to thank you, the readers, but I’m secretly going to be thanking myself. Without me, none of this would be possible. You’re a close second though! Okay, enough ranking of you and me, let’s rank some outfielders! Last year, there was one outfielder I said I didn’t want in the top 20, Aaron Judge. This year, well, let’s save it for the post! All my projections are listed by the players and where I see tiers starting and stopping. Anyway, here’s the top 20 outfielders for 2019 fantasy baseball:
9. Andrew Benintendi – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Bellinger. I call this tier, “GOT JAM IT!” You missed out on the outfielders above this point, so you are cursing mad. However, you are not actually cursing, because you’re super happy about drafting any of the guys in this tier, but to throw off your opponents, you want to them to think you’re cursing, so GOT JAM IT! This tier could’ve also been called SHIITAKE MUSHROOMS! YOU MOTHERFUDGING FRACKER! FLAVORTOWN! Or anything that sounds like a curse. You get it. Fickling feckless fark mucker, Andrew Benintendi is said to be the Red Sawx leadoff hitter this year with Betts moving to the two-hole. Hehe, the two-hole is also a SHIITAKE JAM FARKER. Benintendi is your elite floor player. You crazy bastage! He does nothing mediocrely or supremely. Still think there’s a possible 30-homer season in his bat, and I’m expecting many more homers than his previous year’s 16, while still getting all them fracking counting stats or I am a shiitake fark sarker! 2019 Projections: 112/24/68/.294/17 in 604 ABs
11. Juan Soto – Sexy Dr. Pepper is even more drool-worthy than Tildaddy for real baseball. SDP’s OBP was .406. I’m dancing like Steven Tyler in the Walk This Way video right now just thinking about that. Walk that way, indeed. Where does the Sexy Doctor go from there? Is he a future .450 OBP guy? I’m no longer typing with my fingers, my penis–Ugh, sorry, typo. Was trying to type, “my pen is attached to my nose.” You know there’s some guys that I say I expect a range of results like I’ll say, “17-20 homers” or “10-15 steals” or something like that? With Soto, I don’t even know where to put the top range of possible results. 25-30 homers? 25-35 homers? 40 homers? He’s 20 years old, and there is literally no ceiling. 2019 Projections: 94/31/89/.303/5 in 541 ABs
13. George Springer – Don’t think Springer was 100% healthy last year, but I fully expect Springer to bounce back! High five me! No? Why not? Springer…bounce back? No? Call him Slinky! Still no? Hmm. I’d love to see Springer on a trampoline labeled, “Bounce back.” Still nothing? Damn. Oh, well. I do think Springer was less than all there last year. He missed time, due to a shoulder injury, and we know those can wreak havoc on a hitter. Of course, there’s a chance he might not be 100% still, but his 2nd half was solid when he was on the field (7 HRs, .301 in 44 games). There’s a few trends I’m worried about; his Ks went up with his chase rate. Still think he’s essentially a 30/7/.265 guy in a great lineup for counting stats. That’s not quite Soto, but it’s also not far off. 2019 Projections: 110/30/77/.262/7 in 587 ABs
15. Charlie Blackmon – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Marte. I call this tier, “Ignition-locking outfielders.” Let’s see, the best ways to beat an ignition-locking breathalyzer are: You can fart into it. Hire yourself a sober hooker. Take a hostage. Stop getting in a car that’s driven by Kelsey Grammar. Blow up a balloon before you drink and keep it in the glovebox. Of course, you can just not drink and drive. By this tier name I mean, these outfielders lock my ignition. I can bend over backwards to figure out ways around not liking them, or I can just avoid them, which is what I am choosing to do. I purposely ranked these outfielders lower than I think they’ll be drafted so you can easily avoid them, because they’ll be off the board by this point. You’re welcome. (By the way, don’t try the balloon trick, it’s not going to work.) As for Blackmon, I’ve been leaning into not liking Chazz Noir for a while now. It’s not his Sex Machine eau du toilet that worries me. It’s his falling fly ball rate, falling HR/FB%, failing speed, rising ground balls, falling contact, falling walk rate…Chazz Noir basically ticks all the boxes you don’t want ticked. He’s like the Lyme Disease of ticked boxes. 2019 Projections: 104/22/61/.278/12 in 567 ABs
16. Starling Marte – It’s true, I drink hand sanitizer to avoid getting sick; I never go out of the house without my necklace of garlic to avoid vampires and getting a plate of shawarma with not enough garlic sauce; I avoid seeing my in-laws by saying I’m in Utah seeing my other in-laws; I avoid going out with friends by saying I’m a Juggalo and I don’t feel like putting on my makeup. All of these avoidances are more justifiable than me avoiding Marte. I just don’t like a guy who feels like a 15-17 homer guy who is now 30 years old and relies on his legs. If he performs well this year, then so be it, but I’m still avoiding him. 2019 Projections: 77/17/83/.272/27 in 546 ABs
17. Khris Davis – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until the top 40 outfielders for 2019 fantasy baseball. I call this tier, “You’re Kate Upton’s non-celebrity freebie.” By the tier name I mean, I’d be very happy to own any of these guys and I’m actively dreaming about owning all of them. As for Davis, he’s hit .247 for four straight years. In other words, he’s .247 24/7. His power also peaked last year to 48 homers, and he feels about as lock-ish as you get for 40+ homers. With 40+ homers comes 110-ish ribbies, and that’s more than Tony Roma could ever hope for. His runs have been 85+ for three straight years and the A’s haven’t been bad for offense for two straight years. All told, there’s little reason to not like Davis. What’s the difference between Davis and Aaron Judge? Two rounds and a striking similarity to Giancarlo. 2019 Projections: 90/41/112/.247/1 in 572 ABs
18. David Dahl – I will say this for my rankings. I rank guys as I want them. Yes, that’s coming right after a tier of outfielders I told you I won’t own. For crissakes, the previous tier is ranked too low for me to own them! Last year, I ranked Trevor Bauer, Jose Ramirez and Ronald Acuña Jr. higher than anyone else. This year I’m hoping I’m ranking Dahl higher. I need Dahl on all of my teams. *wraps rubber hose around arm, taps veins in arm* GIVE ME DAT DAHL!
[life before peanut butter] Me: How can I get my dog to lick my butt?
[life before Dahl] Me: I don’t want to live it.
Now, I will sing, “You ask me if I love Dahl and I choke on my reply. Sometimes when we touch, the honesty’s too much. I want to hold Dahl until I Dahl until we both break down and Dahl.”
If you’re not drafting Dahl, you’re not living your best life. He will be 25 years old in Coors, will be hitting cleanup, and he has 35/15/.280 ability. Ya know, basically the best outfielders in the game. I know, the Rockies have dicked us around for years when we thought he was going to be an everyday outfielder, but this year he will. Now is our time to shine, and by ‘our’ I mean Dahl and everyone who drafts him. Let us rejoice! 2019 Projections: 83/30/94/.281/14 in 577 ABs
19. Marcell Ozuna – I had every intention of telling you I was avoiding Ozuna this year. He was so bad last year every time he got into the batter’s box I watched him like I was Brad Pitt finding Gwyneth’s head in a box. Then it was revealed he had a shoulder injury. In October in Los Angeles, he had surgery on his shoulder. Not on a freeway shoulder in Los Angeles, that would be more of a operation for rubbernecking. Seinfeld Mad Libs, “What is the deal with you pulling over on a shoulder and that causes rubbernecking? Why don’t we pull over on a ____ and _____?” The shoulder surgery scares me, but Ozuna improved in every conceivable way last year, except in homers. He chased fewer pitches outside the zone, upped his contact rate, and hit the ball hard. Very hard. When sorting by at least 300 plate appearances, he was top 15 for exit velocity, top 30 for most barrels per plate appearance and was 5th longest for average home run distance (415 feet). It’s crazy contradictory to think a guy was top 5 for home runs distance while his home run total fell due to a shoulder issue. I believe there’s a bounce back coming. 2019 Projections: 84/29/96/.286/2 in 591 ABs
20. Eddie Rosario – I debated countless others for the coveted 20 hole. Is countless a widowed Transylvanian? No, it’s not. Rosario is a 27/10/.280 guy. Tell me how different that is from Springer. Don’t actually tell me! It’s a rhetorica statement. Don’t be a retort! Also, don’t say that at your friend’s placenta bake after the birth of their first child in Berkeley. From his HR/FB% and fly ball rate, I think Rosario could actually be a 34-ish homer hitter, and maybe closer to .265 hitter than a .290 one. But either way, or eye-thurr if Chingy is reading, he will be valuable. 2019 Projections: 93/30/102/.272/7 in 594 ABs