Bruce To Get His Phil Of Greetings Near Asbury Park

June 3, 2019 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 568 Comments

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This weekend Jay Bruce was traded to the Phillies, because, as the front office in Philly put it, “We’re sick of our autocorrect writing Bruce Harper. Now we write Bruce Harper and rather than backspacing we can just continue on and we’ve typed out two-thirds of our outfield. Next we have to try to get Michael Chavis, for our issue with the autocorrect Michael Franco.” Guys and five girl readers, the Phillies have a plan! This move also kills two birds with one stone since now Bryce Harper will look so much better by comparison. Before, “Man, Bryce stinks.” After, “Man, Bruce stinks.” Autocorrect and by comparison — done and done! This likely puts David Herrera’s time all but done on the Phils and maybe baseball until the Astros take a chance on him. Yes, Odubel’s real name is David, which is now what we, like the cops, call him. As for Bruce, this is a boost up for him, due to park and lineup. Now he’s a 30-homer hitter with a .225 average and better runs and RBIs. Can I get a middle-case yay? Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Indians Are In The Mercado For A SAGNOF

May 14, 2019 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 682 Comments

by: Grey

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Yesterday, the Indians called up Oscar Mercado, after a hilarious bit where they phoned their Triple-A team and asked to speak to Oscar and they were met with, “The Oscar Mercado called and said they’re out of you!” The Indians have now cornered the mercado on Oscars like Meryl Streep. Mercado has speed to burn. He is so fast he just ran into your room, mussed your hair and ran back out before you even had a chance to flinch, which is great because you’re secretly being filmed for the new Netflix game show, Flinch. Mercado had one season in the minors with 50 steals. I just became aroused like Lorenzo Lamas after he sees himself in the mirror. Prospect Mike said of him, “Mercado came to Cleveland from St. Louis at last year’s trade deadline in a move that probably slipped under everybody’s radar. He had a crazy good season in Triple-A though, hitting .278 with eight homers and 37 steals. Caveat: Grey is dumb.” What? That’s not a caveat. I grabbed Mercado in a few leagues, because I could use steals, and, brucely, who doesn’t need steals? Not to answer, but bat your eyelashes and look pretty. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Robbie Looks So Sexy He Should Be Called X-Ray

May 9, 2019 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 712 Comments

by: Grey

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Doe, a deer, a female deer that sounds like Chaz Roe. Ray, a drop of eleven Rays! Me, a name I call myself while looking in the mirror to check on my hair–Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you come in. I was just singing a little song I call, “Julie Andrews is One Hot Cougar.” Yesterday, Robbie Ray did the impossible. No, not strike out 11 Rays hitters. I mean, yes, he did that. But that’s not what I found impossible. I find it impossible to like him, and yesterday he made me smile a little. Sure, this ‘impossible task’ is a bit subjective, but get out of your own head, it’s all subjective! Life’s subjective! Wow, I just became an angry philosopher. Call me Socrankies. Robbie Ray’s line yesterday 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners (3 BBs), 11 Ks is almost exactly him to a T. He is a 4.7 BB/9 guy and that was his BB/9 yesterday in under six innings. He can’t go deep because of the walks, and his Ks are gorge, but also limit his IP. I don’t hate him as much as it might seem. I don’t own him, but I can understand the allure. I “allurve” Ks. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

15 Team, NFBC Draft Champions Recap: Owning 17 Orioles Is Good, Right?

March 28, 2019 | Our Leagues | 445 Comments

by: Grey

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This draft is a crock pot vs. a microwave. A love sesh vs. a ‘hold the moan.’ A nature hike vs. “I’m gonna sit in the car as we drive past some mountains.” Guys and five girl readers, it’s a slow draft. This slow draft took about eighteen days, 3 hours, four minutes and–okay, only a lunatic counts seconds. Not almost 18 days of straight drafting, mind you. I don’t need to ice my clicky finger. It’s five minutes of drafting, twelve hours of waiting. It does allow you to second-guess your picks. Actually, more like triple-guess. (Who are we kidding, you quadruple-guess, fiveruple-guess, sextruple-guess, ochocinco-guess your picks.) For those not in the know, it’s a weekly, 15-team, two-catcher league that lasts for 50 rounds and there’s no waivers. Anyway, here’s my NFBC draft recap:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

NL-Only, 12 Team Draft Recap: Grabbing Grey’s Wong

March 4, 2019 | 2019 Fantasy Baseball, Our Leagues | 30 Comments

by: Donkey Teeth

While Grey was off gallivanting in Jackson’s Hole sipping hot toddies and drafting his AL-Only team from heated chair lifts, I spent my day at a shady Illinois car dealership drafting my AL-Only team in that same league while getting fleeced on a used car. After I spent $35 on The Messiah, Adalberto Mondesi, Grey cracked, “I hope you get a better deal on that car than you got on Mondesi!” Oh real funny, Grey! That’s rich coming from the guy who spent $10 on Bryce Harper in an AL-Only league!

Nevertheless, my AL team took a turn for the worse when the car dealer tried to tack a $399 “Dealer Inventory Fee” onto the negotiated sale price. And that’s the story of how I spent $3 on Daniel Mengden and $1 on Chad Pinder in the all-important late stages of an AL-Only auction with the titans of the industry. Fortunately, our friend Scott White of CBS gave ya boy Donkey Teeth one more shot at the glory-hole in the NL-Only version of the same league. And this time, I wouldn’t be preoccupied disputing undisclosed dealer inventory fees while being stuck with auto-nominated Chad Pinders. Anyway, here’s my 12-team NL-Only team and the tale of how I left Grey lusting after my Wong, again:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

2019 Spring Training Position Battles: The NL Central

February 15, 2019 | 2019 Fantasy Baseball, Fantasy Baseball Team Previews | 12 Comments

by: Whack Daniels

I don’t pay much attention to Spring Training Statistics. You never know who the statistics are coming against. Baseball-Reference did, however, have an amazing tool last year that attempted to quantify the quality of opposing pitchers or batters faced during spring training games on a scale from 1-10 with 10 being MLB talent and 1-3 being high A to low A level. This tool is great, but it averages all the Plate Appearances or batters faced. You would still need a deeper dive to see if your stud prospect smacked a donger off of Chris Sale or off of your kid’s future pony league baseball coach. So what should we watch for in March when we’re starved for the crack of the bat? Ignore “best shape of their life” stories and Spring Training statistical leaderboards. Pay attention to injuries and lineup construction and position battles! Also pay attention to where Bryce Harper and Manny Machado sign… Note that those two signings can instantly eliminate some of the position battles detailed herein.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Tim Bucked Two

September 24, 2018 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 211 Comments

by: Grey

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Sample sizes are everything, or so I’ve heard. From other people. Not about me. I’m personally told sample sizes mean nothing. Gently reminded, as I’m also reminded, it happens to everyone. What is ‘it?’ Damn, that’s deep, which is not what I hear often when discussing sample sizes, but Tim Beckham (2-for-4, 3 RBIs) went deep twice yesterday (11th and 12th homer). I’m talking about sample sizes more than a bachelorette party because Beckham had done nothing up until yesterday’s game. At this point in the season, it’s not what has a guy done this month or past week, but what did he do yesterday and what can he do today? Two homers tell me a guy is locked in. *Beckham mimes being in a box* Perfect! I’d grab him, sample size be damned. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Contenders Shop At Pretenders Like A Back-To-School Sale

September 3, 2018 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 246 Comments

by: Grey

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Real baseball is weird. Real sportswriters are even weirder. From Sportsnet.ca, “Donaldson trade marks abrupt split from Blue Jays after promising start.” Abrupt? Maybe I’m just heartless, but why would the Blue Jays be salty about getting rid of Josh Donaldson? If he would’ve stayed with the club, he could’ve opted into a $18 million contract and been back next year in Toronto insanely overpaid and blocking Vladimir Guerrero Jr. Then, from Sportsnet.ca, “But trading the star third baseman and cash to the Cleveland Indians, who visit Toronto next week, of all places? Even the New York Yankees would have been a more palatable destination.” I’m sorry, what? Why are the Indians worse than the Yankees? Because Edwin is there? Because the Jays’ GM used to be in Cleveland? Is this just bad writing? Or is real baseball just odd. I seriously have no idea. Elsewhere, other sportswriters were talking about what a great move this was. No wonder people come here and get floored when I say something about a guy like Josh Donaldson being overrated. They’re being lied to everywhere else. This was not a great move by the Indians. Donaldson can’t stay healthy and has no place to play. Maybe he can give them a solid at-bat off the bench, but Curtis Granderson might’ve been able to do that too. Don’t worry, will get to him and all the other September roster news. As they say at gang initiation, after the jump. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I’m Likin’ This, I’m LiKendrys A Lot

August 27, 2018 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 298 Comments

by: Grey

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Don Mattingly and Ken Griffey Jr. sit in the airport, waiting for their flight out to Toronto, trying to make small talk, “How has post-Hall of Fame life been?” “Good, good, how has post, uh, mustache life been?” “Fine, yeah, fine.” Finally, a Cooperstown employee approaches, “Where do you want Dale Long’s sarcophagus?” “Are you not staying with it?” “I was just told to deliver it. Now, if Kendrys Morales breaks the home run record, you press this button on the side of the sarcophagus.” Ken and Don look at each other and decide to try the button. Dale’s sarcophagus opens and what resembles a crypt keeper says, “Wow, I can’t believe he broke our record. That’s outta sight!” And Dale’s mummified eyes spin like a slot machine. This is reenactment of what Mattingly and Griffey are going through as they join Kendrys for the chase of their home runs in eight straight games record. Yesterday, Morales homered in his 7th straight game, going 1-for-3, 2 RBIs, and that was his 21st homer. I actually just picked up Kendrys Morales in my RCL league, after I picked up my jaw from surprise that he was still available. He’s so smooth right now, they call him Kendrys Alba. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Bat King Kole

August 2, 2018 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 360 Comments

by: Grey

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Yesterday, Kole Calhoun went 1-for-2 and his 14th homer and, seriously, how many home runs does he have since the break? 475? Am I warm? Because it feels like I’m super warm…*eyes drift to a mirror* …so super, super warm. Hot even. What’s your name? *snaps out of it* Damn it, reflection! Okay, starting a dynasty team, Trout or Calhoun? It’s too difficult to decide! What is this world coming to with the fire emoji that is Kole Calhoun in the last two weeks? I can’t handle it. Literally, and I’m wearing oven mitts. Here’s Calhoun two weeks ago: *opens DeLorean door* “I can go anywhere? How about Balco in 2001?” Somehow, Calhoun is only owned in 45% of leagues, which I hope means 55% of people are already checking out our fantasy football rankings. If not, shame. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Fantasy Baseball Podcast: Steven Matz vs. Nick Kingham

July 30, 2018 | Ditka, Razzball Podcast |

by: B_Don

Newly returned to the US of A, Donkey Teeth regales the audience with tales of his alleged fishing success. B_Don and DT then cast an eye to the mythical Kingham fish in last week’s duel against Steven Matz. Nick Kingham looked more like a minnow than a King Salmon in this one while Matz impressed with a career high, 9 strikeouts. The guys talk about Matz curve and change along with Kingham’s change, slider, and rarely used curve.

In the pickups segment the guys recommend a slew of relief arms to speculate on, as well as Yonny Chirinos, Lourdes Gurriel, Ryan McMahon, and many more. Tune in, grab your net and scoop some of these studs before they get away.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Vacationing In The Hampsons

July 23, 2018 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 451 Comments

by: Grey

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DJ LeMahieu hit the DL with an oblique injury, and is out for months. It happened when DJ was carrying a crate of records. “Aunt Audrey is requesting the Electric–Side! My side!” As DJ collapsed into a heap of bar mitzvah party favors he’d collected. Garrett Hampson (0-for-3) was called up to fill in for him, and I tried to add him everywhere. Prospector Ralph had him in his top 100 fantasy baseball prospects, and said, “Hampson brings a nice mix of plus contact and plus-plus base running ability. With his combination of contact, speed, and plate approach he has a shot to carve out a niche as a top of the order run producer, which is different than Grey who is a ‘runs producer,’ as in he produces crap.” Hey! Hampson could have a 6 HR, 15 steal 2nd half, or, knowing the Rockies, Hampson will sit on the bench four out of five games while Pat Valaika plays. I wish these were laughter tears. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?