“This is a smart decision by the Nationals franchise to not let Stephen Strasburg pitch in the playoffs,” said every sports reporter two years ago. Let’s try another one, Google, just give me the search results from 2010 when Strasburg was first promoted. “He’s a once-in-a-lifetime arm that the world has not seen since Sidd Finch.” Strasburg, Virginia even considered renaming itself Stephen Strasburg. I’m not joking. The hype was real, prematurely balding man. In the past seven months of baseball: Sonny Gray or Strasburg? Is it close? Who’s been better, Strasburg or Lance Lynn? Can I now ingest that laced-Halloween candy that I got from the sketchy guy that I’ve been saving for a special occasion? Yesterday, Strasburg left the game after three innings and two earned runs, saying he has irritation under his shoulder blade. The Nats say it’s an alignment issue that could be corrected by a chiropractor. He’ll be looked at by Jon Cryer from Two and A Half Men. Probably from his stupid inverted W. Why not just call it an M?! No idea how long Strasburg will be out, but obviously this isn’t great news. But, Part II: If Ifs And Buts Were Candy And Nuts, I’d Be A Diabetic Squirrel, it’s better Strasburg not pitch injured and keep getting rocked. But, Part III: But Lives, I’d grab Tanner Roark in case he’s moved into the rotation. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jarrod Saltalamacchia – Released by the Marlins, even though they still owe him $21 million. In related news, Loria is talking with advisors about putting on the 2015 ballot a measure to pay the salaries for recently-released players.
Mat Latos – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners (5 BBs), 6 Ks. Before we start giving each other a reach around, he had five walks to six Ks. That’s terrible.
David Wright – Not yet at a hundred percent. Well, then he’s going to have to face less-than-100% pitchers. It’s the only way!
Bartolo Colon – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.90. I’m about to make a pause pregnant, cause I have a semi, Colon.
Chris Davis – 2-for-4 and his 6th homer. He’s not doing it day-in and day-out, but he’s hitting .274 and on pace for 35 homers. That would make him a top 5 first baseman, easily.
George Springer – Left yesterday’s game after crashing into the wall. He’ll be sent for concussion tests. Geez, The Kool-Aid Man never needed concussion tests. Oh yeah? Oh yeah!
Leonys Martin – Day-to-day with a stiff wrist. Texas fans were just glad to hear it wasn’t limp. So tolerant!
Kyle Blanks – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, hitting .391. That is his third homer in the last five games and he has 40-homer power, so, yeah, hot schmotato, and grab him if you need power.
Wandy Rodriguez – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks. Time to jump on the Wandwagon? Oh, hell no.
Danny Salazar – 7 IP, 4 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks. Not a bad start, but early on he looked less like K-zar and more like a puppet dictator that was a front so Apple could get cheap labor.
Michael Brantley – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Did he get a cortisone shot? Cause he’s starting to look like it.
Eric Hosmer – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer. Seriously, he could hit 35 homers and I’d still be surprised by every single one. I feel like an abused dog that flinches every time Hosmer swings a bat.
Shane Greene – 2 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 5.56. That ERA is more for Shame Greene.
Alex Avila – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting .214. No, don’t even ask.
Jeff Samardzija – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks vs, the Tigers, ERA down to 4.38. Second time in four starts that he’s made the Tigers look bad. He apparently has the Tigers number (and likely their letter).
Joe Wieland – Announced as the Dodgers starter for Wednesday. Previously, Wieland was best known for fronting Stone Temple Pilots and being alive way after people thought he would be. Wieland’s throwing well in the minors (K/BB 22/2), but is more of a 6+ K/9, 3-ish BB/9 guy and, for now, I’d only look at him in NL-Only leagues or with the Stream-o-Nator in mixed leagues.
Zack Greinke – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.56. Damn, Mantle blew higher than that before facing Feller.
Jimmy Rollins – 1-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .168. I get the urge to drop him, but when he starts hitting, he’ll be doing that on top of a great lineup and he won’t hit under .170 for the season. Dropping him now only means that someone else is going to reap rewards from your suffering.
Justin Turner – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .333. Alex Guerrero (0-for-3, hitting .333) got into this game too. Which could only mean one thing, someone convinced Mattingly that Juan is spelled Justin and Uribe is spelled Guerrero.
Adrian Gonzalez – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. Yeah, yeah, I told you to sell. It still holds and A-Gon will be aged gouda any day now.
Brandon Morrow – Hit the 15-day DL with Brandon Morrowitis. Brandon Morrowitis is described in WebMD as “being Brandon Morrow and not being able to stay healthy.” Oddly enough, it affects almost 12% of the population. Otispunkmeyer Despaigne will likely be moved back into the rotation. He’s a solid hodgepadre.
Joe Panik – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, and that’s two homers in three games. I don’t want to cause a *pinkie to mouth* Panik, but hot schmotato alert!
James Paxton – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. I cannot tell a lie, I benched him in a few leagues, and started him in one, expecting to be screwed in the one league where I started him. Turned out, I was pleasantly surprised. I’m back in fully with Paxton and now will prepare to get flogged by him in his next start.
Logan Morrison – 3-for-3, 2 runs. Own him. Now.
Garrett Richards – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.52. Yeah, he was the injured pitcher to stash.
Carlos Perez – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. He’s the first player to hit a walk-off homer in his major league since Miguel Cabrera. Elias Sports Bureau said Perez is the first player ever to do it sober. Perez had been tearing it up in Triple-A (.361, 2 homers in 17 games), but The Sciosciapath will start an offensive-minded catcher when David Freeses over.
Marco Gonzales – Will start this Saturday in Triple-A Memphis and could be on the next train out of Memphis if it goes well, heading to the Cards’ rotation to replace Tyler Lyons (4 1/3 IP, 3 ER). It feels slightly early still in 12-team mixed leagues for Gonzales, but I already own him in a 15-teamer and I like him a lot. Should be a 7+ K/9, 2-ish BB/9 guy with a chance for more. And, yes, ‘next train out of Memphis’ are lyrics in 98% of country songs.
Matt Carpenter – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .346, but what we really want to know is: Kolten Wong and 3-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI and hitting eighth. Not directed to you, our five girl readers, but someone free my Wong! Please!
Jesse Chavez – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.80. Was a bit bizzonkers when he wasn’t in the A’s rotation to start the year, but he should remain in it now and I would absolutely own him. A’la Rick Springfield, “I like to watch Jesse hurl…”
Billy Burns – 2-for-5, 1 run and his 1st steal. If you’re waiting until he’s stolen a handful bags, you’re waiting too long and someone else will pick him up first. Cust kayin’.
Michael Pineda – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.97. Top 5 for xFIP going into yesterday: Kershaw, Gerrit, Pineda, F-Her, Archer. Hard to argue with that. I mean, you could, but then you’d be arguing with numbers, you nutbag.
Mark Teixeira – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. It almost makes sense. If this were 2005.
Russell Martin – 3-for-4 and his 6th homer. The Blue Jays could make a 40-homer hitter out of Ben Revere. Maybe because the fences are in meters. Does anyone know how to convert meters to feet? How many inches are in a meter? Why not just use multiples of twelve? It’s so much easier!
Chase Utley – Rested yesterday as he chases a sub-.100 average. Would’ve thought he was already well-rested, since he’s been asleep in the batter’s box all year.
Chad Billingsley – 5 IP, 5 ER in his first start back for the Phils. He’s gonna fit in perfectly!
Shelby Miller – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA down to 1.66. The Regression Fairies were obviously too busy blogging about the new royal princess.
Freddie Freeman – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .301. He’s so hot, I will now call him Freddie Mercury.
Jace Peterson – 2-for-4, 1 RBI. Okay, maybe it’s the lousy Phils pitching, but yesterday I said Peterson was a hot schmotato. Today, I concur with myself.
Starling Marte – 1-for-2 and his 7th homer. Like the Red Sea – the line just parted, ‘cuz some nasty sucker knew he just drafted Marte! Somebody drafted Marte! Uh-oh-a-oh, uh-oh-a-oh!
Devin Mesoraco – Hasn’t tried squatting and is trying to avoid surgery. The Reds front office officials said they’ve been debating mentioning to Bryan Price that he could put Devin on the DL, but they’re afraid of being chewed out.
Michael Lorenzen – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners (3 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 3.27. I watched pieces of him, which is not a Gil-Scott Heron album, and Lorenzen looked like a two-pitch pitcher. One pitch was meh and the other pitch was less than meh. Not mehless though, that’s good.
Marlon Byrd – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer. I almost picked him up prior to yesterday and as soon as I saw that he hit a homer, I did grab him in one league. I’m not crazy for Byrd, i.e. El Pollo Loco, but he’s way below where he should be and has three homers in the last nine games.
Todd Frazier – 2-for-4 and his 9th homer. There was a moment yesterday when it changed from, can Frazier repeat last year? To: can I get him on my team? It was sorta like the moment in Halt and Catch Fire when a young Al Gore plugs in his computer. That’s what that show is about, right? A young Al Gore? Has he met Tipper yet? I wanna see the episode when Tipper sleeps with Ice T, then he disses her and she goes on a full-on assault with parental advisories?
Hanley Ramirez – The MRI on his shoulder came back clean, and he’s hoping to avoid the DL. Manny would occasionally run into a wall by accident just because he was a goof. Hmm, maybe the Hanley and Manny comparison does extend past his helmet falling off on every swing.
Mookie Betts – 2-for-4 and two solo homers (3, 4). You better, you better, you Betts!
Drew Smyly – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.70. Yes, I’d own The Emoticon. Yes, even in your league. On a side note, there didn’t seem to be much offense yesterday. Well, except for the hitters going against my pitchers. FMFBBL!
David DeJesus – 2-for-4 and his 1st steal, and four for his last eight. It’s not Easter, but DeJesus is rising.
Alex Cobb – Has a torn elbow ligament and will attempt to pitch through it and will come back by June for one start and give up four earned runs in the first inning and the Rays will announce that Cobb is going for Tommy John surgery and then in August of 2016 the Rays will announce that Cobb’s ahead of schedule and will pitch in September and fantasy owners will get a great month out of Cobb in September of 2016 and in 2017 fantasy owners will draft Cobb like he’s a number two fantasy starter with number one fantasy starter upside and he’ll look terrific in April but in May of 2017 he’ll feel soreness in his forearm and Dr. James Andrews will examine him while looking at a catalog for new vacation homes and Cobb will learn he needs his 2nd Tommy John surgery but he will be back at full strength in 2019 with the Neptune Starlights, a new expansion team in Neptune, New Jersey that is co-owned by Pitbull and Zuckerberg. I’m sure glad I bought the Magic 8 Ball with 6 point font.