Springs/Weathers April Matchup Predictably An Offensive Rainout

“Weathers/Springs eternal,” he wrote in magic marker on his newly-burned compact disc that had all his favorite songs, “I Will Always Love You,” Unchained Melody,” Can’t Help Falling In Love,” “Your Song,” and “Something,” by The Beatles, not “Something” as in he forgot the song. He handed the compact disc to his son and said, “During the time we’re apart, when I’m managing my fantasy team, I want you to play this. This is how Ryan Weathers and Jeffrey Springs made me feel, and I want you to feel this special.” His son tried to cut a cucumber with the compact disc, asking, “Is this like one of those things that slices and dices things?” His father told him, “No, it’s a freakin’ music storing thing, are you adopted? Give it back to me and let me watch my fantasy team go brr!” In Yankee Stadium yesterday, there was a duel for the ages between Ryan Weathers (8 IP, 1 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.81) and Jeffrey Springs (7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.47). Yes, Springs beat Weathers, as nature intended. I have to look at Springs’s stuff–[looks at it]–Welp, he pitched a great game! There’s really not much there, tee be aitch — 7.4 K/9, 3 BB/9, 3.85 xFIP and will pitch his home games in a terrible park. He has an increase in velo, which is nice, but it’s still around 91 MPH on his fastball and he’s more of a slider pitcher. I can’t trust him more than Streamonator. Weathers seems actually awesome –10.1 K/9, 2.8 BB/9, 2.75 xFIP, and still has that fastball up near 97-98. He’s also working with a newfound pitch mix, that seems to have his stuff playing up, in the best way. It’s still very early, but everything below the surface looks solid. “Hello, sunshine.” That’s Weathers answering the call. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jazz Chisholm Jr. – 0-for-1, and his 5th steal, as he pinch ran late in the game, hitting .186. You didn’t know when Jazz said he wanted to go 50/50, he was actually talking about 50 hits and 50 steals. Silly you!

Hogan Harris – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.00. Seeing what I wanna see, perhaps, but I see a guy who could be the A’s closer. Will he? I haven’t the foggiest. He could though! He will be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because of course.

Brent Rooker – Left the game after swinging hard and hurting his side. I don’t even want to say how bad I think this is. All I keep thinking about is how this happened to Triston Casas and he’s still not right three years later. I can’t believe I managed to get the Yordan of 2026 in Brent Rooker. I guess we await news, but I can’t imagine it’s better than at least a month IL stint.

Rhett Lowder – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.31. Contact doesn’t get much Lowder! An emoji that is happy with the pun, but shaking its head because it started him and this start was painful vs. the Marlins.

Sal Stewart – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer. Thinking about that fictitious league where I drafted Sal Stewart in the 1st, Jordan Walker in the 2nd and Jeffrey Springs in the 3rd. Doing pretty good in that make-believe league!

Max Meyer – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners (3 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 3.68. Not sure what’s going on with his command (4.9 BB/9), maybe it’s a mechanics thing, maybe it’s that sticker they put in the corner of his windshield that tells him when he needs an oil change, which fell off and he found it six months too late and now when he starts his car, it sounds like RFK Jr. Hmm, that latter scenario is actually me. Meyer still has a lot of promise, and I like him, but his command is pretty miserable. More of a Cust kayin’ scenario.

Deyvison De Los Santos – Called up to replace the injured Griffin Conine. “I have a son, Pauly. If you want him, he can be there in 24 hours.” That’s Jeff Conine trying to replace Griffin to keep one Conine always in the Marlins’ lineup. DDLS isn’t just the initials I write on the end of this natural healer’s business card to pretend he’s certified to be my dentist, it’s a guy with insane power who was called up, let’s go! DDLS had three homers in seven games of the minor league season so far, and, if not for Jeff Conine, I’m not sure Griffin would’ve ever been in the starting lineup. DDLS does have swing-and-miss tendencies, but he can hit .245 with 30+ homers. Here’s hoping they finally play him.

Luis Robert Jr. – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer. Quietly (less quietly now?), having a very solid start to his season. Insanely high walk rate, low strikeout rate, all of these things are small samples sizes, but it’s better than struggling. I don’t think he’s suddenly a .500 OBP guy, but he has had a 38/20/.264 season in his past, and is only 28.

Nolan McLean – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.70. Saw him celebrate his 7th strikeout and hold the DBags to two hits through six innings and I was like, “Give me a cigar, I’m ready to start choking on some victory fumes,” then I walked my dog (not a euphemism) and, when I returned, the Mets were down by six runs.

Eduardo Rodriguez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 0.50. Looking at some guy’s stats right now is just absurd. EdRod has a 5.5 K/9 and a 0.50 ERA. I’m not even sure I’d Streamonator him and he looks like Skubal on the surface.

Randy Vasquez – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.02. This start was vs. the 1927 Rockies, so you know Vasquez is for real. Velo is up; Ks are up; walks are down; 96.8 LOB% is silly and 0.51 HR/9 isn’t sustainable. Some of this is good news; some is whatever. Can you tell the difference?

Mason Miller – 1 IP, 0 ER, 3 Ks, ERA at 0.0000000, and scoreless going back to last August 6th (27 2/3 IP). I don’t talk about closers who are going well, but short schedule day and I just wanted to say Mason Miller has a K% off his slider over 90%, which is so incredibly stupid, and his fastball was clocked at 103.4 MPH last night.

Xander Bogaerts – 2-for-6, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer, 2nd in three games, and a walk-off SLAM DIEGO GOES BOOM. Can’t believe they beat the 1927 Rockies. Incredible.

Brenton Doyle – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer, hitting .175 and out of the nine hole, because there’s not a 10 hole. That I know of at least, but I don’t frequent the same websites as you. Well, besides Razzball.

Hunter Goodman – Hit on the hand by a pitch for the 2nd straight game, and left because it was bleeding, and. Dot dot dot. I don’t know how a baseball hitting your hand causes it to bleed. Was the ball covered in spikes? That doesn’t sound legal, but there’s lots of new rules.

Seth Lugo – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 1.53. His ratios are slowly becoming [shudders].

Anthony Kay – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.45. Call him A. Kay plus four. Catchy, right?

Josh Bell – 3-for-4 and his 3rd homer. He’s been a hot schmotato for a few now, and he’s out-homering all my 1st round draft picks. No big whoop! Things are great! Appreciate you, Ronald Acuña Jr.! Don’t need offense from you! Just stay healthy and hit .180.

Parker Meadows – Carted off the field after colliding with Riley Greene. I hope Meadows is okay. Maybe in, like, six to nine weeks after Max Clark’s called up. Or rather, he could be fine the day after Clark’s called up. That’s fine. I am rooting for him. Random Italicized Voice, “Is the ‘him’ you’re rooting for here Clark or Meadows?” Umm…

Jack Flaherty – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.14. If you started Flaherty vs. the Twins after what Framber looked like on Wednesday, then I give props to your pants grapes. I can see why you wear Fruit of the Loom.

Mick Abel – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 6.08. Wish I could get super pumped about this start, but the Tigers are sucking massive suckhole right now and I believe this was just a matter of a “MLB pitcher” throwing against a team that is struggling to make contact more than anything, but we monocle.

Eric Orze – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.59. From the back cover of a comic book, Derek Shelton bought magic pills called, “Make A Closer” pills. When he gets these pills wet, they expand into a closer. So, instead of naming a closer, Shelton sprays water on a pill and Poof! Magic! Closer! Yesterday, he balanced a magic pill on top of a box of orzo and said, “Ala-kazoo, I will call you Eric Orze and summon you if we have a lead in the 9th!” He called him Orze because Shelton thought orzo was pronounced “Orze.”