Maybe because I am not Prospector Ralph aka Endorphin Ralph aka The Prospector aka Prospect Jesus aka Peter, Paul and ‘I Know Prospects’ Mary Well aka The Pro-Spectulator aka I Am Still Not Beating Grey In Our League And Grey Beat Me To Waivers For Rhysus aka No, You’re Minor, I’m Major, But I Know Minors Just Not Like That aka Ralph Lifshitz, but this year’s September call-ups are kinda sad. Do I like Jack Flaherty? Sure, Flaherty is must SCTV! But he’s kinda more to do with matchups. Tyler Glasnow? Well, more on him in this afternoon’s Buy column. Willie Calhoun? Great, but where does he play? Harrison Bader and Franklin Barreto? Haven’t we gone down that road already? I would absolutely grab any September call-up if he was helping me in a redraft league, but the choice between Willie Calhoun platooning and, say, Howie Kendrick playing? Kendrick all day, and twice on Muesday, that magical day between Monday and Tuesday. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Justin Upton – Acquired by the Angels for some prospects, though, I honestly didn’t know the Angels had prospects. Upton moves away from Detroit where Verlander would constantly be playing grab-ass with him on road trips. “Do I need to remove my jersey so you can’t see the name Upton?” That’s Justin Upton just about fed-up. Bobby Grich Ballpark in Anaheim is Nowhere Near Los Angeles doesn’t support a high-flying offense, but Comerica and Detroit wasn’t exactly supporting layups either. Though, when all’s said and done and when I’m all said and done with this cliche, Upton is more or less the same in any environment. Plus, Trout has to be better than whatever facacta crap the Tigers were putting in front of him. By the way, Prospector Ralph tells me the Tigers got Grayson Long in the trade, and he’s a high upside arm. More like a high upside baby arm, because Grayson Long is what I call my penis. Hey now!
Francisco Mejia – Will be called up today along with Greg Allen. For someone who doesn’t big-time everyone, Mejia’s big-time big-time. Double big-time. Though — oh no, air’s coming out of the balloon! — he’s an average-first hitter with a little pop and even less speed. At catcher? That’s awesome if he’s playing. I asked Endorphin for a 30-game projection for Mejia and he said three homers, one steal and hits .280. Well, it does sound better if prorated over 140 games. As for Allen, he’s SAGNOF!, but looks platoony.
Byron Buxton – Went for tests on his left hamate bone. The tests, “C’mon, Buxton, one more game of paper, rock, scissors.” “I can’t do it, coach!” The MRI showed no fractures to Buxton’s hand, so consider him day-to-day.
Miguel Sano – Went to the hospital about his shin splints. As someone who gets shin splints, these are debilitating. *walks in front of the phone bank* Over forty billion people are affected by shin splints every year. This girl in Venezuela? *shows picture of young girl standing in front of a Carlos E. Queso* She has shin splints, but you can help. Call that number on the bottom of the screen and donate your life savings. Thank you.
Matt Belisle – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 4.62 vs. Omar Minaya – 2/3 IP, 2 ER and his 1st blown save, ERA at 4.67. The Twins/White Sox bullpen has the faux accusatory back and forth quality of “Who Stole The Cookie From The Cookie Jar?” Which bullpen wants to win this game? Who, me? Yes, you! Couldn’t be! Then who?
Yoan Moncada – Still shutdown with shin splints. “Hello, little girl in front of Carlos E. Queso, can you tell us about your shin splints?” “El grande dolor.” “They’re Frank Thomas? Interesting.”
Alen Hanson – 3-for-4 and his 3rd homer. That’s a batty call that makes me want to start smoking again.
Dillon Peters – Called up to start for the Marlins. Not to be a heightist, but he’s five-nine with an under-8 K/9 in Double-A. D.P.’s gonna need a lot of them.
Kendrys Morales – 4-for-5, 4 runs, 7 RBIs and three homers (23, 24, 25). Even more impressively, he managed to not injure himself at home plate all three times.
Manny Machado – 2-for-4, 1 run and his 9th steal, hitting .269. On our Player Rater, Machado has managed to get himself all the way up to top 30 overall. Huge climb for someone who looked so lost in the 1st half. I know, been harping on this, which is different than the guy who sang Steal My Kisses.
Jeremy Hellickson – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.15. Can’t wait for the Wild Card run-off game to see who gets into the playoffs with the Orioles vs. the Angels, and the 7+ ERA Tillman faces the 5 K/9 Bridwell.
Adam Jones – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 26th homer, hitting .281. Shame when the O’s lose these games where they score eight runs, especially when their starters’ collective ERA is only 7.15.
Chris Davis – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer, hitting .228. Imagine how obvious it would be that his career is over if the balls weren’t juiced.
Lane Adams – 1-for-1 and his 2nd homer. Isn’t Lane Adams a store for big-bodied women?
Kyle Hendricks – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.32. Wow, pitched into the 7th inning with a pitch count that reached 99. He’s a regular Rube Wadell!
Jon Jay – 4-for-5, 2 runs, hitting .291. The Federalist gave those balls their marching papers! What? No good? You’re too critical of me. I need a nap. ttttttttttttttttttt—Oops, sorry, fell asleep on my keyboard. I could erase that but it has a lived-in look that I enjoy.
Kris Bryant – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 25th homer. Guess how many RBIs Bryant has. Go ahead. Nope, lower. Lower still. No, not fifteen. He has 25 HRs! He’s tied for 97th in RBIs in the majors with Kole Calhoun (oofa), Eddie Rosario (!) and Matt Adams (Hayzeus). He has 59 RBIs. Yeah, not good. Even Tommy Pham has 61 RBIs in almost 100 less at-bats.
Greg Bird – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games. He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but you don’t need that nudge. Wait, are you calling me a nudge?
Gary Sanchez – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 28th homer, hitting .272. This home run came in a matchup of Yankees vs. Red Sawx that ESPN billed as “Mayweather vs. McGregor II thru XI then skipping XII-XX and again XXI-XXXV.” So much hype.
Eduardo Rodriguez – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.40. I gots some love for Ed-Rod in the big picture, but absolutely no love for him in redrafts.
Jonathan Villar – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Not saying this is about to happen, but he could make his entire season look decent with a huge September. A 7 HR, 12 SBs month would put him at 18/35 on the year. In redraft leagues, if he was dropped, I’d go back in on Villar.
Zach Davies – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.85. You ever date someone who makes themselves into a seven with their personality and they’re barely a five in looks? That’s the entire Brewers’ pitching staff.
Gio Gonzalez – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 2.58. Wait, who sells their soul for only five months of great pitching?
Jacob deGrom – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.43. Rest of you can move on, this is advice from me to the Mets: just shut down deGrom. You’re not going anywhere. Let him throw 40 less IP this year. It’ll be good for everyone involved. And bring back Kiner’s Korner, but with Lenny Dykstra. Though, put an TV-MA rating on it.
Robert Stephenson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.52, though has three somewhat usable starts in a row. I don’t want to recognize Robert Louis Stephenson until he’s on the Pirates, but I guess we have to. His walks are miserable (5.8 BB/9) and Stream-o-Nator wants no part of him, and neither do I.
Scooter Gennett – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 23rd homer, hitting .287. Let’s bask in my excellence for a sec. In Tout Wars, I’m in 1st place and my entire team could likely take September off and I’d win I’m so far out in front. In homers category? I’m up by 60 from 2nd place. 60 homer lead in a 12-team NL-Only league! I’m up by 100 RBIs! I’m in 2nd place by twenty steals. And that was missing Trea Turner for almost two months. Oh, and I own Scooter.
Alex Verdugo – Speaking of call-ups (I was, just before; you’re not even reading this, are you?), Verdugo will be called up by the Dodgers. He’s super sexy, like, in many ways. Sorry, I was just looking at my Giancarlo poster. Verdugo’s solid (15/15/good OBP), but he’s not going to play enough in mixed leagues, unless someone gets hurt.
Kenta Maeda – 3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.19. My advice to the Dodgers, if you face the Diamondbacks in the playoffs, start Kershaw for every game in Arizona. I don’t care if it’s on one day of rest.
A.J. Pollock – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .264. Ugh, I hate this schmohawk. I don’t own him, but I don’t enjoy giving bad advice, and it took me putting Pollock in the Sell column for him to turn it around. Such a Pollock! Sorry, my b.
Zack Greinke – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.08. You put that ERA through a “Convert to a 2018 ERA” generator and it’s a 1.75 ERA, so kudos.
Gregor Blanco – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 11th steal. In today’s political climate, he’s lucky he doesn’t go by his translated name, White Russian. “Who did you meet with during the Arizona primaries?! Tell us or we will release a thousand Twitterbots after you!” That’s Antifa interrogating Gregor Blanco.
Madison Bumgarner – Scratched from start on Thursday. Since I’m doling major advice out today, shut down Bumgarner for the season. I will never own him because he’s drafted too high, so this isn’t self-serving advice. This is in your best interest, San Fran.
Randal Grichuk – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Cardinals outfield is likely to get more crowded with call-ups, but appears to be a schmotato.
Adrian Beltre – Will have an MRI on his strained left hamstring. With Gallo back and Choo and–Holy crap, bring Willie Calhoun up already!
Cameron Maybin – Acquired by the Astros. When a team is trading a piece to an in-division rival, you need to have your eyes wide open. The Angels obviously think Maybin is a poison pill. Angels are likely thinking Maybin will injure himself by colliding into Altuve. On the Astros, Maybin likely moves into the bottom of the order and plays/platoons (playtoons?) with Fisher and Marisnick.
Jose Altuve – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 21st homer, hitting .355. There’s no fences far enough, and high-fives low enough for Altuve to conquer.
Lance McCullers – Will return next week in Seattle. I’m under the assumption that McCullers will throw a 5 IP, 3 ER start or a 8 IP, 12 Ks start, and nothing between.
Evan Gattis – Hit the DL with wrist soreness. Ever since a homeless man set fire to my storage unit, Gattis has been conspicuously absent from the lineup. Not saying there’s a correlation, but I’m saying there’s a correlation!
Collin McHugh – 4 2/3 IP, 0 ER and left after 91 pitches, because…There were no more Rangers to hit with a pitch? Let’s set the stage on some backstory: Carlos Gomez lost a ball in the lights last year while McHugh was pitching. Um, whatever, right? Oh, no, not right. McHugh hits Gomez with a pitch in his first at-bat yesterday. Then Gomez steals second off McHugh. Awesome, but it gets better. In Gomez’s next at-bat, McHugh walks him and Gomez flips his bat like he just hit a walk-off. Kinda love Gomez now. Seem all a bit petty from McHugh? Yeah, and don’t forget his city is under five feet of water while this is happening. Yo, McHugh’s such a douche, I will call him McDouche.
Justin Verlander – Traded to the Astros. “How can I get closer to Upton?” Agent, “I think I can get you to the Astros, so same division.” “Wait, I meant Kate–” And that’s how the trade to the Astros went down. Lots of movement — that’s what my bowels said! — but not a whole lot of fantasy value change. In general, Verlander’s walks are up (3.5 BB/9); Ks are down (from last year, though still 9.2), and his xFIP is 4.40, which is his worse since 2008 when he couldn’t even get a B.J. Upton.
