First off, Jose Iglesias is gone. The less intelligent Red Sox fan screams bloody murder like Schilling’s sock, “But Julio Iglesias was batting .400 after ten games about two weeks ago! His name’s Julio, right? RIGHT?!” The intelligent Sawx fan screams, “Does this mean Xander Bogaerts is coming up?!” The drunk Sawx fan screams, “We’re fine with this trade no mahder what ‘cuz Jackie Bradley Jr. wok’d three times in his first game! I need more Sammy A!” The Sawx fan who doesn’t play fantasy says, “Um, what about Jake Peavy?” The Sawx fan who does play fantasy says, “His value doesn’t change with this trade, maybe a few more wins.” The drunk Sawx fan butts in, “I’m going to the packie, you wahnt anything?” The less intelligent Red Sox fan says, “I’ll take a packie of Pahl Mahls.” Then the drunk Sawx fan shakes his head, “Yah more stoned than Robert Parrish.” Then Will Middlebrooks says, “Hey, I could get called up instead of Bogaerts.” Then all the Sawx fans in unison say, “Shaddup!” So, Iglesias goes to the Tigers, which is a solid landing spot for him. He’s known for his defense, which puts his fantasy value at slim to anorexic, unless you have a Web Gems category in your league. He’ll act as insurance for when the steroid hammer drops on Jhonny Peralta. Avisail Garcia goes to the White Sox, and he’s a light hitting corner outfielder who will probably take over once Rios is moved. Bogaerts or Middlebrooks will take over shortly (or third basely) and I stashed Bogaerts immediately when I heard this trade go down. Finally, Peavy is who he is as the Sawx fan pointed out above. He doesn’t have substantial innings in Fenway in his career, but that doesn’t matter because they would’ve been against the Sawx. He’s a terrific addition in real life for Boston, but he’s a 3.70-ish, 8+ K-rate starter for fantasy, which is around a fantasy number three. Jake Peavy will definitely do better than Jack Pervy, who Rudy and I went to school with in Boston. He used to hang out with someone we named Tim Wackfield and you can imagine how we mangled Keith Foulke’s name. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jarrod Saltalamacchia – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. He’s rarely one and done with the homers, so if you want a quick HBI (hot bat injection), go for it. Note to self: acronyms work better when I don’t have to explain them.
Dustin Pedroia – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. Here’s a Easter Egg for people who actually read these posts and don’t just skip to the comments to ask if they should drop Edwin Jackson or Junior Lake. Pedroia’s got a new shirt.
Mike Moustakas – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and two homers (8, 9). After his 2nd homer, he said, “I’m no bust,” then pointed at Billy Butler, who was adjusting his manssiere, “That’s a bust.” Actually, they’ve both been busts. Maybe this will be a sign of wonderful to come from Moustakas, but he was hitting .235 in July, so it’s not like he’s been showing a whole lot.
Eric Hosmer – 3-for-5, 1 run, hitting .288. Okay, there’s hope for you, Moustakas. Next year when you rope me in once again.
Ervin Santana – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, 3.03 ERA. Chen has a 2.09 ERA, Shields and Ervin “Magic” Santana have done their jobs and the Royals are still barely treading water. It might be cosmic or kismet or some New Agey word.
Alberto Callaspo – Traded to the A’s. Callaspo said, “I’m happy to be away from that other Albert. What a sack of sh*t!” Then his handler pulled him aside and told him Pujols isn’t meant to be translated into English. Callaspo will play the majority of the time at 2nd base, a position he’s not overly familiar with, but as Billy Beane says, “If it walks like a ballplayer, it don’t matter.” Callaspo gains no fantasy value with this trade, except for some position eligibility. Jeff Keppinger, “Position eligibility is my bag, man. Get your own bag!”
Ernesto Frieri – 2/3 IP, 1 ER and his 4th blown save. Frieri’s just confirming that the Angels are sellers at the trading deadline.
Mike Trout – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 1 RBI and 1 reason to still watch the Angels.
Grant Green – Went the other way to the Angels. Likely headed to the minors, unless the Angels can quickly unload Howie Kendrick or if Arte Moreno offers $400 million to the Yankees for two months of Cano.
Geovany Soto – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, 2nd homer in as many games and third in the last ten games. Kill me now for pointing that out.
Leonys Martin – 2-for-7, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. He got cold quicker than that girl at the bank you tried to talk to, but I’m watching him just in case he turns it back on.
Cody Asche – Called up by the Phils. Asche’s most famously known for his mathematically intricate lithograph of staircases where normal rules of gravity don’t apply. Less famously known as the guy who will replace Michael Young once he’s traded. Asche is strong with the bat — that’s what she said! Huh? He’s weaker on the field, which is a “Who cares?” with a side of “It don’t matter to me.” He reminds me of a brand-new version of the guy he’s replacing. Call him Michael Younger. He doesn’t have huge power (12-ish homers) or huge speed (12-ish steals), but should have a decent average (.280-ish). A fine promotion for the youth-deprived Phillies, who are more like the Naggies.
Michael Young – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Old Young ain’t done yet.
Alex Wood – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks. Of course, I started him in his last start where he got bombed out like a tented house. Of course that’s what happened! Why wouldn’t it?! *rolls self in banana pie, runs into a gorilla cage*
Freddie Freeman – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and two homers (12, 13). Still time for him to make good on his 24+ homer outlook in the preseason, but his get-up-and-push better get-up-and-go.
Jason Heyward – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 1 RBI. Finally!
Chris Johnson – 2-for-4, hitting .341. Anyone wanna put over-the-internet money on whether or not he wins the batting title? I’m betting whatever side Terry Pendleton’s on.
Nolan Arenado – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer in as many games. I think our prayer hexagon might be working.
Zack Wheeler – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. As much as you think he’s been bad, as much as you think he wasn’t ready this year, as much as you don’t want me to say “as much as something” again, Wheeler has a 3.55 ERA. That would be better than a lot of my fantasy teams collective ERAs.
Juan Lagares – 3-for-3, 2 RBI, hitting just barely above .300 in the last week with 2 steals, both of which came in the same game. He’s on a cliff, standing between a hot schmotato or falling back into oblivion. Call it Mt. Kilimanjuanlagares, and let’s see which way he goes.
Brian Wilson – Dodgers signed him for bullpen help. Here’s what I said yesterday, “He’s in the Beachy category, as in I don’t want anything to do with him. A major league team can afford a middle relief gamble that could pan out. You can’t in fantasy unless he’s getting saves, which he won’t in LA. I will quote this when he does sign with a team, so this is me quoting future me!” And that’s me quoting old me who was quoting future me!
Buster Posey – Sat yesterday due to illness. If his symptoms are a nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head fever and can’t-rest cold, I know a medicine he can take.
Andre Rienzo – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks as he started in place of Peavy. “Rienzo Sono Buoni,” it means, Rienzo is so good, and that he was. He was also not as good as his line shows since he had three unearned runs. Rienzo is the first Brazilian that I remember being in the major leagues, but unless he wears a thong on the mound, it shouldn’t matter. He can touch 94-95 MPH with his fastball and has shown the ability to miss bats, while also being very raw in his command. With this start and Peavy exiting stage right, Rienzo should remain in the rotation. I’d gamble on him in AL-Only and very deep mixed leagues, but he won’t get an easy next matchup.
Scott Kazmir – 5 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, which comes after he had two straight scoreless starts. The strikeouts were enticing and it looked like he put things together for every guy’s fantasy, but then turned into a bloated loser who revealed himself to be K-Fed.
Yan Gomes – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and hitting near .600 in the last week. Unfortch, he’s been sitting here and there with little rhyme or reason. He could be a hot schmotato to look at in deeper daily leagues where you can move him in and out of your lineup.
Marc Rzepczynski – Acquired by the Indians. In related news, the seamstress in charge of putting player’s last names on Indians jerseys quit.
Chris Davis – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 38th homer. Definitely has cooled off in the 2nd half so far, or shofar if you’re Jewish. Still have to love what he’s done, or be a celebrant at the Euchris, if you’re an Episcopalian.
Wei-Yin Chen – 7 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, 2.87 ERA. I raise my glass and say I’m so glad I picked you off waivers — Chen-Chen!
Jonathan Villar – 1-for-3, 1 run and his 5th steal. He didn’t come out like Lake Titi-I-Ain’t-Caca, but Villar could be outperforming him by the end of this week. Or by tomorrow.
Jose Cisnero – Astros announced they would go with a committee. So there’s a 50/50 chance that Jose Cisnero gets called in for a save before he gets called in for jury duty.
Yadier Molina – Likely headed to the DL due to his right knee. That’s what he gets for doing Hoppe Hoppe Reiter with his brother, Bengie.
Lance Lynn – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.87. LL Ance Ynn was the consternation of many comments yesterday about wanting to bench him for this start, if I’m indeed using the word consternation correctly. He’s a mid-8 K-rate, mid-to-high 3 ERA guy. I’d start him everywhere but Coors. With that said (here comes the reversal), I wouldn’t feel good about him in Great American Ballpark next time out.
A.J. Burnett – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, 2.86 ERA. Hitters are really having a hard time picking up the baseball this year out of his hand. It really paid off having C-U-R-V-E tattooed on his knuckles.
Brandon Cumpton – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks. If you streamed him, nice work. Now I’d be gettin’ straight outta Cumpton!
David DeJesus – 4-for-9, 3 RBIs. I’m getting the sinking feeling that I should’ve dropped Lake instead of DeJesus. Help me I’m drowning in regret!
Tyler Thornburg – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks. I came soclose to streaming here, but the Stream-o-Nator wasn’t feeling it. SON, “Wake me when Blanton’s starting!”
Yovani Gallardo – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, but left yesterday’s start due to a hamstring injury. He can’t even stay healthy long enough for the Brewers to trade him. What a POS, and I don’t mean having SP eligibility.
Jean Segura – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer in the first game. You know someone had a great four months when a guy could go 0-for-175 in the final two months and still have solid numbers.
Yuniesky Betancourt – 3-for-8 and his 12th homer in the first game, and now has three homers in the last week. As I said the other day, anyone who had Betancourt in the first two months when he was on fire knows you should own him right now. And that’s me paraphrasing me!
Alex Rodriguez – Report says A-Fraud won’t accept his suspension, unlike Everth Cabrera, Nelson Cruz and Jhonny Peralta. MLB supposedly has text messages between A-Roid and Biogenesis founder, Tony Bosch. A-Rod should contend Siri sent them without his knowledge. True story: one time I was sending a text and Siri accidentally texted the Israeli consulate that I was “waiting just outside.” Nearly got me sent to Gitmo.
Roberto Hernandez – 9 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. Somewhere, the real Fausto Carmona is smiling (as he changes his birth certificate to read Roberto Hernandez).
Stephen Strasburg – 7 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Tigers, raising his ERA to 3.04. Just because A.J. Burnett’s ERA is lower than him, in no way does this mean Strasburg hasn’t been as good as Apricot. Strasburg has two more Ks than him, one more win and a slightly lower WHIP. So, he’s been about as good as Burnett.
Mark Buehrle – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks. Don’t look now but he has 16 straight scoreless innings. Actually, just don’t look; it’s Buehrle.
Anibal Sanchez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K. Maybe A-Rod can argue he was hoping for some Anibal in his butt, and the iPhone autocorrected it to anabolic.
Alex Avila – 1-for-4 with a grand slam, his 7th homer. His fantasy value is about as outdated as the file extension in his last name. Come back when you’re Alex MP3la!
Michael Morse – 0-for-4 with 3 Ks as he was activated from the DL. Invariably, ESPN points out guys that are at least five years past their sell-by date, but I was even surprised when they dedicated a full page photo/headline to Morse. He’s 31 years old and has had one good year in his career in 2011. He could get hot, but if he’s not hitting, I’m not owning him in most shallower mixed leagues.
Nate Eovaldi – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks in 112 pitches. Not the most economical start, but for a guy named after overpriced bottled water and whose name misspelled is naive, what do you expect?
Derek Dietrich – Some major drama going on down in the minors leagues for Dietrich. He accused former coach and major leaguer, Tino Martinez, of verbal and physical abuse. It reminds me of the time that Earl Weaver was frazzled when questioning Steve Stone and he uncrossed his legs without a jock strap.
