Yasiel Puig was scratched yesterday with a strained shoulder, suffering the injury during batting practice. Look at him, making himself feel right at home with the Dodgers. Next thing you know, he’s going to say Brandon League is their best reliever, run at 40% and leave before the eighth inning to beat the traffic. Let’s recap quickly, Puig took a fastball off his nose, wiped blood from his face and took first base. Then The Cuban did an interpretative dance with Kennedy’s whole team that he called “The Bay of Puig.” Finally, the next day, he hurts himself in batting practice. It’s like when Jean-Claude Van Damme beat the crap out of 47 bad guys, but stopped production on Timecop because the production assistant forget to bring his hair gel to set. “Van Damme be Van Damned if his hair isn’t coifed.” As of right now, there’s no word on how long Puig will be out, but hopefully this Puiggy doesn’t go wee, wee, wee all the way home. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Hanley Ramirez – Ran the bases yesterday prior to the game. Did the whole youth organization do it too or just Hanley?
Marco Scutaro – Diagnosed with ‘mallet finger’ but thinks he can play through it. For that I give him “Hammer finger,” which is the 2 Legit 2 Quit finger sign.
Pablo Sandoval – Bochy said, “With the two weeks off, that will be a priority for Pablo, to try and shed a few pounds.” Then went on to say, “We can ham and egg this until Pablo gets back.” Talk about rubbing it in his face what he’s missing.
Angel Pagan – Won’t return when eligible. He also has the weight problem of a Angel on one shoulder and a Pagan on the other.
Barry Zito – 4 2/3 IP, 8 ER. Baked Zito.
Joaquin Arias – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs as he fills in for Pablo. He could potentially be the worst everyday infielder right now, but he has back-to-back games with two hits and has lots of speed. If you’re dying in an NL-Only league, I could see the flyer.
Tony Abreu – 3-for-5, 3 runs. Okay, maybe he’s the worst starting position player. Abreu is playing for Scutaro and has some speed (less than Arias) and very little pop. Well, a very chunky pop, if his dad is Bobby.
Justin Verlander – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, but Valverde blew the win for him. Betcha Verlander’d opt for Kate Upton to finish him off. I’d hold Benoit, but Leyland has a special place in his heart for Poopie Grande. I don’t think a change is imminent.
Eric Hosmer – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. He has 1 home run on the year. Should he go by Eric S.? Or Eric Homer?
James Shields – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, 2.79 ERA on the year. He looks remarkably similar to the pitcher he was on the Rays, which was a low-end number one, high number two fantasy starter. Mea culpa on that, I thought for sure he’d fall off in his new environs. Mea culpa on using the douchey word environs, too.
Danny Espinosa – Will start his rehab assignment on Thursday. That should make his broken wrist feel super. I’m gonna go out on a pretty sturdy limb and say we don’t see Espinosa until September.
Grady Sizemore – Twins have expressed interest in him. The economically-minded Twins think he could make a fine addition and look forward to reusing old media guide articles about Gardy leading them to victory without much editing.
Clete Thomas – 4-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs as he took over for the injured Aaron Hicks. He’s the reason why the Twins are even considering Sizemore, so that should give you some idea of Clete. He’s got a real baseballsy name, I tell ya! And that’s probably why he’s languished in the minors for 7 years rather than hanging up the spikes. I’m not talking about his brother.
Oswaldo Arcia – 3-for-4, 3 runs. Could be the start of a little hot schmotato action. Bit early to say for sure, but I’ll be watching him like a cyclops with a monocle.
Cody Ross – 4-for-7, 2 runs. If you’re following along at home, he’s getting hot. If you’re following along at someone else’s home, get your feet off the furniture.
Miguel Montero – 4-for-6, 2 runs, 1 RBI. Someone’s decided to finally start the 2013 season. Nice of you to join us. Catcher questions commence in 3, 2, 1…
Eric Young – Designated for assignment. That assignment is to go to a club that appreciates him. Walt Weiss didn’t like his defense, or maybe he’s just trying to build a terrific Triple-A team. Weiss, you play in Coors, stop with the defense!
Tyler Colvin – 0-for-3. So, the good news with Young being sent down is now Colvin can take on the role of backing up all outfielders and Helton, which will mean a boost of about a game per week. So, if he was at 3 starts per week, he’s now at four. I did that math in my head. I’d definitely grab Colvin now in mixed leagues if you need power, but he’s still a fifth outfielder that you’re gonna need to fill in for when the Rockies bench him.
Justin Smoak – Will start a rehab assignment on Thursday. If all goes well, he should return to sucking in the majors by next week.
Jordan Lyles – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks. Whoa. Where did that come from? Yes, it was in Safeco, but 10 Ks makes Little Grey dream of Jessica Alba in an unintended-for-public selfie. He also hasn’t given up more than 2 runs in his last five starts. He gets the Brewers and Cubs in his next two starts, and I could actually see trying him there. Not in all leagues, but in a whole lot more than I would’ve thought yesterday.
Carlos Gomez – 4-for-5, 3 runs and 3 RBIs. Theory! With the fuzz breathing down his neck, Braun has started playing in Gomez’s jersey.
Alfredo Figaro – 7 IP, o ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks. The Barber of South Beach trimmed the Marlins while screaming his last name multiple times. This was also a Stream-o-Nator special that people weren’t believing. SON, “Why doesn’t anyone trust me?” Cause you smell like Lysol. *SON lowers head and walks away*
Shelby Miller – 6 IP, 4 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks. Looked incredible, incredible, HOMER, incredible, incredible, HOMER. Such a Dr. JeKyll-Mr. Hidey-Hidey-Homer.
Allen Craig – 1-for-4 with his 6th homer and 2nd in as many games. About time his power kicked in, was beginning to think we’d get a new Craig Mack album first.
Lucas Duda – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Without any actual research done, I’m gonna guess this is the first time he’s had more than one RBI in a game. BTW, during this game, Gary Cohen, who I like, was talking about how Duda caught some flak for taking grounders at first prior to the game. See, that is his natural position, but the Mets want to be clear they have a first baseman. Huh? Who? Daniel Murphy? Because Murphy made a key error the other day that cost the Mess a game? Do they mean Ike Davis? The guy standing five feet from the urinal? I’d say I’m flabbergasted, but, look at me, I’m skinny. It never stopped me from getting busy.
David Wright – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 9th homer, which ties him with Marlon Byrd. Um, yeah, well.
Dillon Gee – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks. Now has 3 straight solid starts. Maybe this is the Gee that Sky saw when he labeled him a sleeper. BTW, Sky’s started rolling out early 2013 Fantasy Football Rankings and he’d want you to go there and peep that. Not those Easter marshmallow bunnies.
Starling Marte – 4-for-5, 4 runs and 2 steals (19 and 20). Drop the -ling he’s a full-grown star now.
Neil Walker – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Wake me when he has 15 homers. Actually, don’t. I don’t care.
Clay Buchholz – Could be pushed back to Tuesday after having lingering soreness while playing catch. It was going fine when he suddenly announced, “The Buchholz stops here.”
Jacoby Ellsbury – 1-for-3, 1 run and 2 steals (28th and 29th). 40 steals by the All-Star Break would tingle my Ellsberries.
Alfredo Aceves – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks. It’s a renaissance for the name Alfredo, huh? Alfredo Figaro, Alfredo Aceves, Alfredo Jettuccine… A lot of people were watching Hombre Murcielago on Univision with Miguel Keaton. Any hoo! ‘fredo betrays his family name since he’s not an ace.
Daniel Nava – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. Might be having the best quiet season of anyone. I will call him The Librarian.
Evan Longoria – 1-for-3 with his 13th homer. 23 more! (It’ll be fun in September when I start saying, “2 less!”)
Chris Archer – 4 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks. He looked a lot like Moore in that his stuff is so nasty he doesn’t even know where it’s going half the time. He gets the Red Sox and Yankees next so it’s still wait and see.
Dan Straily – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks vs. the Yanks. Four of his last five starts have been impressive. I’d absolutely grab him, but I wouldn’t start him in his next start vs. the Rangers. So, grab him now, and bench him for one start or wait until after his next start. The choice is yours. Pick him up, pick him up, pick him up, back on the scene!
Brandon Moss – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and two homers. He now has four homers in his last four starts. Unfortch, he’s only started four of the last 7 games. If you can platoon him, he can hit you homers.
Jason Hammel – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K, ERA is at 5.24. Not a good year to have one Hammel, but it’s only been a slightly better year to have more than one.
Adam Jones – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. Is it weird when I watched him homer that I was thinking of combining my teenage love of the Miami Dolphins and Adam Jones and picturing myself in the stands at Camden with a sign that read, “AJ Do Me In A Mud Bowl?”
Chris Davis – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer. Well, we’ll (Stutterer!) always have the thought that someone will reach way too high for him in next year’s draft.
Hank Conger – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer as he bats .269. I could understand if The Sciosciapath was going with the better defensive catcher, but it’s beyond me why Iannetta plays over the better-with-the-bat Conger. Can we get the chant started, “Go Conger and forget “from hunger?” No? Okay.
Albert Pujols – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Obviously this ground has been covered by me and others, but he looks terrible. Roy Hobbs in slow motion and a bleeding stomach got around the bases faster than Pujols on his home run trot. If you’re not trying to trade him, you haven’t seen him try to move around the bases.
Erick Aybar – 2-for-4, 1 run, 3 RBIs out of the nine hole. He should be batting in the two-hole over ‘What the Shuck,’ and after yesterday’s game I think WTS or Bourjos are moved down. If not, aw Shuck.
Todd Frazier – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer in as many games. Lower your computer volume. YAY, BABY! Okay, you can put your volume up again.
Mike Leake – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks. His ERA is at 2.76, but his xFIP says he’s been a bit lucky. He has with men left on base. Nothing terrible. His K-rate is just barely above bad, but his walk rate is great. He’s been a solid #4 to 5 fantasy starter, and looks like he can continue to be no matter the match-up. Also, Leake would make a great reliever for the Blue Jays rotation of Dickey, Johnson and Wang.
Travis Wood – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. Since I just did a Wiki on Leake, I’ll say Wood is not quite the pitcher Leake is. His walks are a bit too high and he’s been extremely lucky. Not saying to drop him outright, but he will regress. Wood could do well in Toronto too, if he had a lot of early run support, and long, sensual back massages.
Nate Schierholtz – 1-for-3, homer. One of the first things I do after seeing a random guy hit a homer is to see what the Hitter-Tron said he’d do. Nate has some negative numbers for most of this week, but yesterday he was at $8.4. Nice call, Hitter-Tron, now stop humping my microwave.
Luke Gregerson – 2/3 IP, 1 ER and Nick Vincent got the save. Who? Doesn’t matter. Street’s returning. Hey, we had some good times with Gregerson, we had a lot more bad times and now let’s say goodbye. Don’t forget to write!
Jaff Decker – The Padres called them up because they like to shake that Jaffy taffy, shake that, Jaffy taffy! Okay, lost it there for a second. Decker was once a solid prospect, then he started hanging with the Padres number one prospect, Nadir Bupkis, and it all went to gone. He’s got some pop and speed, but will strike out a lot, and may not see everyday ABs. I’d look at him in NL-Only leagues, but everyone else can hold tight for now.
Mike Aviles – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Hasn’t done a whole lot since he got the starting job…until now! You like that after ellipsis. It surprises you. You like surprises. Come here, let me pinch your cheeks.
Ubaldo Jimenez – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 4.79. He’s really turned the corner from ‘terrible’ to ‘not terrible but still not good.’
Ross Ohlendorf – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks. If you started The Dorf in Coors, how do you get your pants on in the morning? Do you need a tailor to sew them on you? Do you just wear sweatpants? I got questions, y’all!
Jurickson Profar – 3-for-5. Ian Kinsler announced, with Don King by his side, that he would be back at the beginning of next week. Kinsler said it through rhyme and even whooped his fist. The Rangers are saying Profar might stay around to be a utilityman. On one hand, that helps him keep some value in daily leagues. On the other hand, in most daily leagues you can probably find someone else to shuffle in and out of your lineup. On the third hand that is actually Hamburger Helper, nothing’s been decided yet on Profar.
Matt Harrison – Will return in September. I preferred the record, Dancing in September.
Justin Upton – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. If he has 20 homers by the All-Star Break and I hear one person complain about him in the comments, I’m closing shop and moving to Kuala Lumpur. And the person who complains about him will have to pay for the plane ticket. And lodging. And a male escort for my Cougar. You’ve been warned!
Jason Heyward – 2-for-5. He’s raised his average 69 points since I told you Heyward Jabuyme on May 31st. I should have a mustache on every one of my fingers. That’s how glorious things are that they type.
Paul Maholm – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks. In Petco? Why don’t you just tear my Cal Ripken Jr. rookie card in thirds and give me back Jeff Schneider and Bob Bonner?