Because I can’t have anything nice. That is the answer to why David Price left the game injured. For those of you worried about me, I’m gonna be okay. I have the love of a good cougar. Too bad she can’t pitch for my goddamn fantasy team! Why do you laugh at me, Fantasy Baseball Overlord? Fantasy Baseball Overlord, “Because you traded Machado for him and no man’s love will come before myself or Machado.” “I didn’t know. Is this a new fantasy commandment? All I saw was David Price’s K-rate was down last April too and he went on to win the Cy Young?!” “Are you interrogating me? The man who molded Billy Butler’s moobs with my own two hands.” Sorry, have I not serviced you correctly? Would you like a reach around? Do you have to rain frogs down on my team? Hello? Oh, I guess I lost him, stupid iPhone. And I lost David Price too. So, Price left because of triceps tightness. Hopefully after a DL stint, he’ll be back to his old dbnsjicns Oops, will cross my fingers when I’m done with the post. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Chris Archer – On a positive note with David Price, Archer, Alex Colome or Jake Odorizzi could fill in. I’d grab whichever one is called up, as they are all pretty much lights out. If I had to guess, I’d say it’s gonna be Archer. Scott, the prospect guy, said Odorizzi. I’ve heard plenty say Colome. How’s that pickle? Confusing?
Zack Greinke – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks. Only thing Greinke can’t do is make me turn gay like Robin Thicke. If you would’ve bet an 11-year-old Grey, who was watching Growing Pains, that one day that Mr Seaver’s son would be refunkulous, I probably wouldn’t know what refunkulous meant, thought you meant Kirk Cameron or had anything but a Wally Joyner rookie card to bet you with. His new song, Blurred Lines is my new jammy jam that has me dancing in my jammy jams. What rhymes with hug me? Greinke.
Brandon League – Got the save yesterday. Mattingly said League was still his closer, then went back to his patented Who’s On First quote book about who his closer really is, “In that game (where Kenley closed), I had to go with the guy who’s throwing the ball best; as much as anything he’s been throwing the ball better than anybody.” So, it makes perfect sense to go back to the guy who isn’t throwing the ball better than anyone. Just reinforces my theory that you should never trust a guy who voluntarily shaves his mustache. Your brains are in your ‘stache!
Jeff Samardzija – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks. No, I don’t have my fingers crossed still. That’s his last name.
David DeJesus – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 5th homer. Has been far from spectacular, but he hasn’t been craptacular either. 24/5/14/.290/2 so far on the season is solid for a 5th outfielder. Better than, say, Matt Kemp or Jay Bruce.
Yasmani Grandal – Set to rejoin the Padres on May 28th and will go on a minor league assignment this weekend. When he returns, he will boot out his understudy in, OBPWulf. Grandal will return to his light-power and decent average ways while affording me the opportunity to make Beowulf jokes that don’t appeal to anyone because no one’s actually read it. I’d go as far as saying one person wrote a term paper about Beowulf back in the 1200’s and that same paper has been passed around and spread across the entire world with no teachers catching on because they never read them either. A conspiracy? Perhaps, but likely true.
Jason Marquis – 5 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks. Whatever on him, he’s a Hodgepadre, but when I was watching him pitch, I had a brilliant idea. You know the Pageant of the Masters? You might remember it from Arrested Development when George Bluth Sr. posed as a famous painting. The pageant is live representations of classic works of art, and it’s creepy as all get-out. Anyway, they should do the Pageant of the Masters with famous baseball cards. I’d pay money to watch someone standing in an Orioles jersey with a “F*ck Face” bat. Someone make this happen. Please.
Kyle Blanks – 1-for-5, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. The Padres are Mad Libbing their left field spot in American League parks, but for the most part Blanks isn’t anything but an adjective — gigantic.
Alexi Amarista – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer in his last two starts. Unfortch, it wasn’t the Padres last two games, as Amarista has been platooning. Sometimes Amarista gives you a week like this, sometimes your Amarista gives you a latte and doesn’t charge you for the soy milk.
Everth Cabrera – 4-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 12th steal, as he hits .255. So far, this is about as good of a year you could’ve hoped for from EverCab. He’s running, hitting at the top of the order and getting on base at a solid clip for him. I think he’ll probably come up short of JayWrong’s 120-steal prediction, but he’s doing what you’d want.
Jedd Gyorko – 3-for-5, 2 runs. Has really turned it on of late and looks like a near lock for my preseason projections of 60/18/70/.265/4, assuming he gets at least one game against Michael McKenry for those four steals.
Manny Machado – 4-for-5, 2 runs, average up to .343. Even though I just traded him away for David effin’ Price, I can still respect the Machado. He’s a sexy beast. Or my name isn’t Grey Albright, Fantasy Master Lothario. (Don’t abbreviate my nickname.)
J.J. Hardy – 1-for-4 with his 7th homer, as he hits .227, which was also the career average of Marla Gibbs.
Matt Wieters – 1-for-2 with his 6th homer. Wieters might be the first person in the history of baseball (maybe a small exaggeration) that inevitably goes 0-for-4 the day before and after hitting a home run. Get, hot, doode, for two days at a time.
Freddy Garcia – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K. Freddy got dingered.
Carlos Zambrano – Signed a minor league deal with the Phils. They’re hoping they found a diamond in the rough, but he’s CZ.
Cole Hamels – 5 IP, 5 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. Somebody should throw a ball at his head and tell him it’s not old school to only go five innings.
John Mayberry Jr. – 2-for-4, 2 runs, and five for his last eight, and hitting .385 over the last week. I’ve been hesitant about pointing how well he’s hitting for a few reasons: A) I don’t want him to do too well and supplant Brown. B) He’s hitting 8th in the NL, which is death. C) There’s no C.
Corey Kluber – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. Kluber is a streamer and he gets the Tigers and Red Sox next, so save your streamers for another party.
Mike Aviles – 1-for-3 with his 3rd homer. Some felt like he’d take over for Chisenhall, but Reynolds went to 3rd until yesterday. Maybe Aviles’s homer will get him more PT but in most leagues he’s used TP.
Jason Kipnis – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. About three weeks ago, I said, “Didn’t love Kipnis coming into the year, but there might be an opportunity to buy low here. Since Kipnis also sounds like a type of Jewish deli nosh, a bargain on Kipnis is exactly what bubbeleh ordered for her mishpocheh.” And that’s me quoting me! Now, Kipnis is the G, but then you get pigskin. Oh, goy. That’s Kipnis on wry.
Adam Dunn – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and 2 homers. Member when I said yesterday he could hit seven homers in 10 days? We’re down to five in nine days.
Dayan Viciedo – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer and 2nd in as many games. If he wasn’t injured earlier in the year, he’d be owned in 100% of leagues. The games he has played, he’s crushed the ball, and now he’s healthy. To give you a comparable guy — Willingham. To give you a non-comparable guy — Crispin Glover.
Daniel Straily – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks. I have a feeling if there was a Quad-A, he’d win the Cy Young.
Alexi Ogando – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks. Looks just about perfectly on target to repeat his last year in the rotation when he had a 3.51 ERA and 126 Ks, which is to say a solid back-end member of your fantasy staff. Hehe, I said member and staff.
Elvis Andrus – 0-for-4, 1 run and two steals. A 4-for-5 day with two steals is great, don’t get me wrong, but there’s something about an 0-for-4 with two steals that gets my juices flowing. It’s like the player knows he’s crizzap, but is trying to help your fantasy team. I like that. Yes, I’m an easy man to please. Take note, Moustakas.
Nelson Cruz – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. Put him in the same boat as Beltran, in that I had no idea he had so many homers. Member when Nelson Cruz was Nelson Cruz Jr.? What happened there? Did his dad change his name to Giancarlo?
Will Middlebrooks – 2-for-4 and a solo shot, his 7th homer. I’m told he had a hit other than a homer too, but I couldn’t find any video on it and I destroyed all evidence of Price’s game.
Stephen Drew – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Drew went deep on the same day as Hardy, Young Adult Fiction readers celebrate!
Paul Goldschmidt – 3-for-4, 1 run with three doubles and he should’ve had an RBI, but the ham-fisted 3rd base coach held up Parra on one where he would’ve scored easily. Let my Golden God soar!
Eric Chavez – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs as he hits clean up against righties. He has a .310 average on the year with 4 homers. I’m not going to openly tell you to pick up Chavez in deeper daily leagues because it’ll pain me too much. Instead, hold this up to a mirror: .zevahC pu kcip
Heath Bell – Saves on back-to-back days as he settles into the closer role… Sorry, I can’t even lie to myself on that one. I watched this entire game then shut off the game in the ninth because I was unable to watch. Bell could remain the closer all year, but it’s going to take a lot of unforeseen forces converging for the good of SAGNOF.
Adam Lind – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer in the last week. That, sir and four madams, is a Triple Lindy.
J.P. Arencibia – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. You don’t want any part of the Blue Jays right now. Like a good Newport, they’re alive with pleasure.
Jake Elmore – 2-for-4, 1 runs. Elmore has looked fine filling in for Altuve, but soon Astro fans will be yelling, “Get Shorty.”
J.D. Martinez – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs with his 3rd homer. He’s 5 for his last 10 and his job is safe unless the Astros sign Tino Martinez.
Francisco Rodriguez – Brewers called him up. I suppose at some point Dor-K — sorry, dyslexia kicking in — could get into the save picture, but Jim Henderson has a 1.06 ERA and 0.76 WHIP. Can you say 2012 Fernando Rodney? If you can’t, you might want to see a speech therapist.
Corey Hart – Expected back in June as he just started running without assistance. Was he on a Segway before?
Yovani Gallardo – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. The Pirates offense isn’t a complete pushover either. Everything isn’t fixed, but it’s a step in the right direction.
Rickie Weeks – 1-for-3 with his 3rd homer. Hey, the mirror under Weeks’s nose finally fogged up!
Shelby Miller – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. I’ll take a few of these starts interspersed if it means he pitches in September.
Raul Ibanez – 2-for-5, 6 RBIs and two homers, and three homers in the last two games against his old team. Guess something is eating Raul.
Kyle Seager – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. The Jetstream was strong yesterday in Yankees Stadium and Seager went not against the wind.
Michael Morse – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting over .350 in the last week. Pretty much every Mariners regular hit yesterday, except Brendan Ryan, who is a glovechild.
Mike Leake – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the MIA Marlins. With Johnny Cueto set to return on Monday, Cingrani better get someone to Gillooly Leake.
Shin-Soo Choo – 4-for-5, 3 runs and two solo homers. Glad this came right after I traded him away. Thanks, Fantasy Baseball Overlord!
Derek Dietrich – 2-for-5, hitting .400 since his call up. Younotrich could be a temp hot schmotato at MI.
Ryan Vogelsong – 2 IP, 3 ER (5 unearned), 1 K. Vogelsong’s record should be skipping a start.
Jamey Carroll – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI and the victim of a really bad botox job.
Avisail Garcia – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. I like him prolly a tad more than I should since he’s not playing every day. Maybe it’s his coming up to bat music, “I’m Avisailing away, set an open course for the SAGNOF surging spree, cause I’ve got to be free. I’m free to face Don Kelly who’s ahead of me… On deck, I’m the captain, Andy Dirks makes me so bored. We’ll search for tomorrow on every score, and I’ll try, Oh Leyland, I’ll try, to be a solid 4th outfielder….” Drums, guitars, cow bell!
Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 5 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Astros. Great time to buy low on Scherzer. Not only is he striking out guys just as ferociously as he was last year, but he’s getting awfully unlucky — or awfucky, if you enjoy portmanteaus. His xFIP is almost one and half runs below his ERA. If you don’t know what xFIP is, it doesn’t matter. What matters is you try to trade for him from some unsuspecting Gilligan.
Zack Wheeler – Cleared of any structural damage on his shoulder, so the waiting game begins again. You bring the snacks, I’ll bring the Jeremy Hefner voodoo doll.
Shaun Marcum – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks. Even a broken clock is right twice a day, which is more than Matthew Berry.
Brandon Beachy – First rehab start set for this Sunday. Conservatively, I’ll say he needs about six weeks to get up to speed. Libertarianly, I say let the fans choose when Beachy returns.
Tim Hudson – 5 IP, 5 ER. Now I know why they left you out of Moneyball.
Freddie Freeman – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs. With only two homers on the year, he got lost a bit in the Hot Sauce Upton Committee Part Two, but look on the bright side, he could be Not Hot Sauce Upton Committee Part One that is hitting .145 after another 0-for-5 day. If B.J. had any class, he’d donate $1,000 to his fantasy owners for every strikeout.
Hisashi Iwakuma – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks in The House They Built Across The Street From The House Ruth Built. Hisashi my dashi — slurp, SLURP! Still no progress with this catching on?
Mark Teixeira – Aiming to return Memorial Day weekend. I don’t have high hopes for him, but if you cut him you’re Duh-sheer-a.
Travis Hafner – Hopes to return on Thursday. I.e., doomsday for Ichiro or Brett Gardner’s value. I’ll be a cyclops with a monocle for how the Yankees handle their lineup.
Vernon Wells – 1-for-3 and his 10th homer. Obviously trying to keep a solid distance between him and Josh Hamilton in the Race to Gray Arte Moreno’s Hair.
Phil Hughes – 2/3 IP, 7 ER. Hughes getting lit up at home by the Mariners seems like the result of Weird Science, but it was Some Kind of Wonderful for non-Hughes owners.
Adam LaRoche – 1-for-4 with his 4th homer. He now has an 11-game hitting streak and looks like he’s about to catch fire. Didn’t love that de LaRoche homered off Zack, rage against someone else’s machine.
Ross Detwiler – Left yesterday’s start after the 3rd. He might’ve tweaked his back. Thankfully, Detwiler out won’t mean we have to watch Nick Cannon.
Bryce Harper – Complained of being nauseous. Davey Johnson felt like Harper needed tests like Harper needed a new haircut, Nats GM Mike Rizzo said there would be no more tests and Harper’s haircut said cock a doodle doo.
