“Wisdom is knowing when you don’t know. Wisdom is knowing when you do know. Wisdom is not spraying mace on your apple pie when it calls for mace, because that mace they’re talking about is the outside of nutmeg not the shizz that makes your eyes cry during a riot. Wisdom is not saying, “Nutmeg? I barely know her,” every time someone says nutmeg. Wisdom is Patrick Wisdom (3-for-5, 4 RBIs) hitting his 7th and 8th homer, and 4th and 5th homer in the last four games. Looking for a guy who could hit 40 homers (and prolly .210)? That’s true Wisdom…I think, is that what that says?” That’s me reading a fortune cookie’s fortune that is so long that it’s in such a tiny font it’s hard to read. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Hayden Wesneski – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.15. Oh, I’m absolutely intrigued, but the Streamonator hates his next one, and I don’t blame it. Plus, it’s a robot. Can’t blame robots. Yet.
Max Fried – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.08 as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Sorry for throwing a quarter into Janice’s water, I was making a wish.”
Austin Riley – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Riley does exactly what everyone expects from him and he still feels under-appreciated, right? Rhetorical!
Jacob deGrom – 4 IP, 0 ER, 0 hits, 1 walk, 5Ks, ERA at 3.48, but left the game with soreness in his right wrist. The only way deGrom figured he could more of an ace was to get his wrist wrapped in an Ace bandage. Next up — open up a hardware store. So, what if. Dot dot dot. Dramatic pause. Deliberate gaze out the window as a train pulls out of the station. It wasn’t the Mets’ doctors, but it was deGrom?
Marcus Semien – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Semien didn’t hit his 3rd homer last year until June 5th.
Josh Jung – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. *dancing with a feather boa* Jung men! No need to be rude! I said Jung men!
Hunter Greene – 3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 4.24, as he left after taking a comebacker off his shin, but is said to be fine. Between Ohtani and Greene, is it me or did I just lose two easy wins due to some of the worst luck known to man? (It’s not me.)
Kevin Newman – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, as he DH’d. I can almost see the Fantasy Baseball Overlord smiling at the sheer stupidness of Dumb Bell to hit Kevin Newman as the DH and being like, “I gotta re2ward that asinine behavior.”
Taj Bradley – Recalled from the minors. Already gave you a Taj Bradley fantasy. Nothing’s changed there except the date, and Jeffrey Springs might be out for the year, or at least months, so Bradley has a more secure job. Grab him everywhere.
Josh Lowe – 2-for-4, and his 4th homer and his 2nd homer in four games. For a moment, consider if this is Josh Lowe’s breakout. If it is, what’s stopping you from picking him up? Is it like how your mother says you have a fear of success? Are you too busy shuttling your mother around to bingo games to make waiver wire moves? Are there any non-mother reasons?
Kyle Freeland – 2 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.80. You offer Pirates Freeland, they are going to plunder it.
Kris Bryant – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer, hitting .323. Has stayed healthy through 17 games, he must be exhausted!
Andrew McCutchen – 2-for-6 and his 3rd homer. Guess who made McCutchen a batty call yesterday? This guy with two thumbs and BBQ sauce on his chin! *sticks tongue down, tries to lick chin* I get it?
Rich Hill – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.57. That Hill was Mile High, baby! The Streamonator says for his next start, “Are you kidding?”
Brett Baty – 1-for-4, 1 RBI as he was recalled. Please, cover for Oneil Cruz and, how well can he pitch, because I need Jeffrey Springs and Brandon Woodruff covered too?
David Peterson – 6 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 6.10 vs. Dustin May – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.00. “Siri, are any pitchers good?” “Yes, Grey, Bed, Bath and Beyond has water pitchers.”
Freddie Freeman – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd and 3rd homer. Only thing I can think is how I want to say Freeman’s name just to hear BDon say how overrated he is.
Max Muncy – 2-for-4 and his 7th homer. Max is the Munciest!
Kevin Gausman – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.65. “I’d like to order a shish kebab. But no chicken. No, no beef either. God, no veggies. No, I just want it charred and then shoved into my heart. Thanks.”
Matt Chapman – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .410. It won’t continue, but you can find Matt Chapman pretty high up in the Player Rater, like, top four overall.
Corey Julks – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. *rips shirt off, hits a towering homer* Julks smash!
Jake Meyers – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. You ever abbreviate his name to Ja-Me and sing it like Bob Marley’s Jamming? By the way, is there any chance if Bob was around now and did that song he wouldn’t drop the G for an apostrophe? These kind of things keep me up at night. Any hoo! Meyers is a meh-power, meh-speed, meh-average guy: Jake Mehyers.
Cristian Javier – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.68. Prolly too small of a sample to go off one start, but it looked like his velocity was back up. It’s why I think we should slow our rolls in April if a guy’s velocity is down.
Cal Raleigh – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer. Who’s got a big ass now?! Oh, yeah, Cal Raleigh.
Julio Rodriguez – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, hitting .240. He hit .206 last April with zero homers and you still drafted him in the top five, so maybe chillax a little with the whole, “Hey, Grey, handsome face you got, and I want to sell Jul-Rod low, good idea?”
Corbin Burnes – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.76, but left the game holding his chest. Not like Fred Sanford, but more like he pulled a pectoral. We shall see.
Merrill Kelly – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.53, as he took on the Cards, and I hope Miles Mikolas was taking notes in the dugout under the heading, “How to be a useful number five.” Streamonator doesn’t love Kelly’s next one, but I could see it in the right leagues.
Pavin Smith – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer. Great, give the Dbags more reason to bench Jake McCarthy.
Alec Burleson – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. In addition to homering in the 8th, he also made the game a save opportunity for Andrew Chafin (1 IP, 0 ER, 3rd save, ERA at 0.00), so for that I doff my cap.
Jack Flaherty – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.95. Not the best start, but the line looks worse than it was, because the reliever that followed him allowed two of his runners to score.
Jesus Luzardo – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 2.74. The Luzard King was off yesterday, but that’s okay because there’s no good pitchers this year, and, if they’re good, they’re injured.
Logan Webb – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.94. He looked better than his final line. *looking in my standings for Appearances and not seeing them* Hunh, that stinks.
Brayan Bello – 2 2/3 IP, 5 ER, as he was activated. You can’t be roofie’ing people before we even get you in the lineup. You need to ease us in. Pretend like you like us, get us to like you, then remove our gall bladder while we’re knocked out! I really like Bello. 97 MPH fastball, four pitches, the change and slider are unhittable, but his command is very wonky, so he is very prone to roofies. You can try the Streamonator, but it will never like him. Not with that command.
Hunter Renfroe – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs, and his 4th homer. Welp, we know that means from Renfroe, he’s about to hit three more homers this week. Scooby Doo that mothereffer!
Shohei Ohtani – 2 IP, 1 ER, 0 hits, 1 walk, 3 Ks, ERA at 0.86. What’s the opposite of the song It Was A Good Day by Ice Cube? That was me yesterday with Ohtani.
Just wakin’ up in the mornin’, gotta thank the Fantasy Baseball God,
I don’t know why, but today seems kinda odd,
No barkin’ from my pitchers arms, no rain–
Wait, no! The clouds are opening! Pain!
This is an easy win, Angels’ runs scored!
No! No! It rained, it poured!
I got my 2-start Ohtani on the do,
Thinkin’ will he even make start number two?
Freakin’ could’ve started him as a hitter!
I can’t believe I thought today was a good day, my pitching’s in the shitter!
