There once was a boy who went by the name of Grey. Grey didn’t always pay his bar tab. Grey didn’t always change his underwear. He didn’t like the theater. He never ate fortune cookies, though he did read the fortune. Well, he didn’t do or like a lot of ‘things’ that other ‘people’ did. But one thing Grey always did like was some motherf**ckin’ Hodgepadres pitching in motherf**ckin’ Petco. Without Edinson Volquez, the world wouldn’t be as we know it. Did you know Edinson invented the phonograph, which is where we get the Def Leppard song Photograph from? Never gets credit for stuff like that. He also invented the light bulb. Before that, how are cartoon characters getting ideas? A sparkle in their eye? That’s for suckers. I don’t think Volquez has suddenly fixed his control issues, or is really worthwhile outside of Petco in most matchups, but in Petco? Well, a light bulb just flashed above my head and it’s telling me he just pitched a one-hitter and is startable in Petco every time out. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Chase Headley – 0-for-3. With bated breath, I wait for Headley to be traded to the Yankees so I can use the title, “Chase Manhattan — Bank On It!” If Headley is out there in shallower leagues, grab him for the next week to see if he ends up somewhere else. Since he can hit but only on the road, his value could get a nice boost.
Gio Gonzalez – 3 1/3 IP, 6 ER. Gio, the Kelley Blue Book says you’re a reliable starter until October. Don’t you dare break down on me now. We’ve had too many good times; like the time we went to the Sonic drive-in and I spilled a Coca-Cola float on your seats and licked it off. Don’t you remember that?
Drew Storen – Activated from the DL and threw a perfect inning. Mean’s while, Clippard has looked human (though guessing he is; total guess!). Also, Clippard sounds like a nickname for a noob on Extreme Couponing.
Stephen Strasburg – Just when we were all having fun creating the Strasburg magic number (160 minus season IP), GM Mike Rizzo is now saying there isn’t a magic number. Rizzo then stuck a toothpick in his mouth, wondered what the fuss was all about with OBP, and sent his 5-year-old down to the Nats dugout for the game.
Luke Scott – On Wednesday, Luke went 4-for-4 and dialed in to Ted Nugent’s radio show only twice. Yesterday, he dialed in three times but went 2-for-4 with a homer. Grab Scott right now, he could hit five homers over the next week.
Jeff Keppinger – 2-for-3 and 1 RBI, hitting .316 and .382 OBP. At this point, Blanco Polanco would make more sense in the two hole than Chuck Pena.
David Price – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks. The Tampa-area Jews rejoice for the star of David.
Jesus Montero – 3-for-4 with a double, HR, and 4 RBIs against KC. Looks like this Jesus preys on the meek.
Mike Leake – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER. Ugh, he’s got Homer Baileyitis. Just when you think he’s turned a corner, you realize he’s De Niro sending you down an alley to go pick out some furs.
Jay Bruce – 0 for his last 16 with 3 Ks. Not good, but nothing when compared to Red Sox prospect, Shaq Green-Thompson, who in his professional career is 0-for-32 with 31 Ks. I say cut Shaq some slack, Michael Jordan wasn’t much better at baseball.
Brandon Phillips – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 11th homer. It’s 1st and 21st, why isn’t it 11st? Eh, maybe it’s me.
Todd Frazier – 1-for-3 with an RBI. He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell. It’s three parts genius and one part dopey, but because the dopey part is sprinkled throughout the genius part it’s hard to tell the two apart.
Willie Bloomquist – 2-for-5, 2 runs and a steal. He’s now 7 for his last 15 and The Honorable Willie Bloomquist has been better than Stephen Drew and Bloomquist is nothing but a futility player.
Felix Hernandez – 8 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks. That’s on the heels of a 12 K shutout of the Rangers and a 6 K, 1 ER start @OAK. I guess if you’re going to be unpredictable in a stat, K’s are the most harmless one…
Paul Maholm – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. Now has 22 innings and only 3 earned runs in July. Last year, his ERA in May was 2.14, 3.13 in June and 3.13 in July. If you get analysis paralysis or your waiver wire mouse finger is in a cast, you’ll probably go nowhere near Maholm, but he could be a sneaky grab for a few weeks.
Yoenis Cespedes – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. After the game, Yoenis said, “In Cuba, I’m the best player and I get a ceremonial alpaca slaughtered in my name. Here, I’m a passable fourth outfielder in fantasy and I make thirty-six million dollars. God bless America!”
A.J. Griffin – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. You, sir, are a mediOAKer. Oh, and if the A stands for Alfredo, let your fettuccine flag fly!
Freddie Freeman – 1-for-3 with his 13th homer. Reggie Cleveland All-Star Freddie Freeman seemed to have a great 1st half, but he only has 13 homers. Not only is his name incongruent with his race, but his hitting is incongruent with his stats.
Tim Hudson – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks as he got the win as he battled Madison Bumgarner (7 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks) who actually pitched a better game. Stupid win karma. This offseason I’m taking a pilgrimage to Nepal to find a monk to fix my win karma. I was probably a major league manager from the 1880’s in a former life and used to throw my starters for 12 straight innings. My name was probably Scoots Skedaddle, and I had a Van Dyke beard. Yeah, I’ve thought about this probably for too long.
Chris Davis – 1-for-3 with a homer. Had been hitting like Chris Davis of old recently… Well, not old old, that Chris Davis was good. Just the kinda old Chris Davis when he was hot garbage left in a German prostitute’s exotic-looking pantyhose. But he was dealing with a neck issue, so maybe he’s starting to finally feel better. Worth taking a flyer if you’re struggling at CI that Davis is about to turn it on again.
Clay Buchholz – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks. Returned from the DL and picked up right where he left off (before the injury caused him to not look so good in his final two starts prior to the DL stint). Weird to see a guy with a 5.19 ERA and say this, but I’d own him, in the non-biblical way.
Dustin Pedroia – 1-for-4 in his return from the DL. As mentioned on the podcast the other day, I think Pedroia can have a nice final two months to the season. He seems like the type that always turns it on for an extended period of time when games matter and/or when he’s trying to make up for lost time.
Cody Ross – 2-for-4 with a 3-run game-winning homer. I’d say he’s going to be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but he won’t. He’s here now and he’s a burning hot schmotato.
Jose Quintana – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. the Red Sox in Fenway. My friends and I went to the nude beach at Sandy Hook when we were in high school. About the least sexy thing you’ve ever seen. But there was this one guy who was pretty out of proportion for what you want to be, uh, endowed. So to the tune of O.P.P, we’d sing, “You down with No P.P.” Anyway, that guy did have giant, uh, berries, and that’s what you would’ve needed to start Quintana in Fenway for this game, especially since he was just bombed by the Royals and Yanks in 2 of his last 3 starts. Still, if he’s out there, I’d go with him for the better matchups on his schedule.
Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks. You can’t draft Scherzer. You basically have to hope that after someone drops him, you are the fortunate one that picks him up right when everything goes right.
Miguel Cabrera – 1-for-4 with his 21st homer. When I saw he homered for the 21st time, I got to thinking, does he ever get crazy hot or ice cold? Almost all players do, but I didn’t remember it with Miggy. I went back to his career splits. He had one month of 10 homers (August of 2008), that was his peak. For a guy that’s been terrific for 8 years, that’s a lot of months with only one ten homer month. 2 homers (did it a few times) was the worst month he’s ever had. His worst average month was .229, that was all the way back in September of 2004. Pretty remarkable. Or re-MigCabrerle.
Brett Gardner – To have surgery on his elbow and will definitely be out for the rest of the season. Backdate this news to April.
Ike Davis – 2-for-4 with his 14th homer as he raises his average to .206. More optimistically, he’s hitting .261 since the All-Star Break. Most optimistically, he hit .500 yesterday.
R.A. Dickey – 7 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks. Mets jumped out to an early lead so Dickey went off-roading on a safari to the Ivictory Coast.
David Wright – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and 2 homers. I feel bad for the NY Post headline writer. “We’ve done All’s Wright That Ends Right, All The Wright Moves, Wright Can Do No Wrong… Hmm… How about There’s No Robbing Wright, Pen’s A Mess?”
