Just finished my first draft if you’re reading this as I type it, and other than one shirtless man in yellow sweatpants standing behind me in this internet cafe, I don’t think anyone’s reading this as I type it. Unless, of course, there’s micronauts living inside my brain watching as my inner monologue is sending info to my fingers. Gadzooks, I got micronauts in my brain! I wonder if these micronauts made me draft Eric Thames. I need to delve deeper into this subject. Maybe I will in my pastel journal that is covered in Giancarlo’s picture from ESPN’s nude magazine. So, I took on the monsters of the industry in an NL Only league that was hosted by Scott White of CBS and I came away with a team that is more imbalanced than Amanda Bynes. This league is deep so hold onto ye old hat. (If you want a shallower league, play against me and hundreds of your closest buddies in the Razzball Commenter Leagues. Please be a commissioner, we need leagues, thank you, and Oxford comma.) Anyway, here’s my 12-team NL-Only team and some thoughts:
C: Derek Norris $7
C: Nick Hundley $2
1B: Tommy Joseph $17
2B: Kolten Wong $11
3B: Jonathan Villar $27
SS: Orlando Arcia $12
MI: Scooter Gennett $2
CI: John Jaso $1
OF: Bryce Harper $35
OF: David Dahl $22
OF: Adam Eaton $21
OF: Yasiel Puig $14
OF: Eric Thames $17
UTIL: Raimel Tapia $1
P: Tanner Roark $10
P: Brandon Maurer $13
P: Anthony DeSclafani $12
P: Jameson Taillon $15
P: Edinson Volquez $5
P: Hector Neris $7
P: Mike Foltynewicz $6
P: Scott Kazmir $2
P: Jhoulys Chacin $1
Bench: Jake Barrett
Bench: Jace Peterson
Bench: Matt Wisler
Bench: Tyler Chatwood
Bench: Erick Aybar
Bench: Rene Rivera
Bench: Trevor Cahill
DIDN’T YOU SAY SOMETHING ABOUT NOT OWNING ERIC THAMES THIS YEAR? YOU BEST NOT TRY AND BACKDATE THIS POST TO BEFORE YOU SAID THAT BECAUSE I GOTS YO’ SHIZZ NUMERICALLY CATALOGED!
The great thing about deep drafts like this with a fifteen-second auction clock is you have no time to second-guess your auction values. Or that’s the terrible thing, if your auction values aren’t good. As usual, I use our NL-Only auction values for these drafts. I type in a name at the top box where the names are and it filters to that player. I see his value, and I bid or pass. It really is that simply. The auction values are updated nearly every day, so playing time is as up to date as you’re going to find. All for the low, low, low price of free! No wonder why we’re broke as a joke. What the hell can I buy with free? A hug? How about we wrap ourselves in swaddling and start charging?! Since I follow the auction values almost religiously, I draft players I had no interest in previously for mixed leagues where I use my rankings. Ergo, vis-a-vis, henceforth, Eric Thames. The well-trimmed, bearded man was priced at $20, and I would’ve gone to $20 for him, but got him for $17. Simply as that.
OKAY, YOU LEGIT JUST SAID YOU FOLLOW THOSE “FREE” AUCTION VALUES AND BRYCE HARPER IS AT $34 AND YOU SPENT $35. I CAN’T TAKE THE LIES AND DECEPTION ANY LONGER!
Yeah, $35 felt right. Bryant went for $37 and I have him listed for $32; Goldy I have listed for $31 and he went for $39; Arenado went for $41 and I have him down for $34. So, when Harper was about to go for $34, I decided to push it to $35. If someone else came along and pushed it to $36, I would’ve backed out and they could’ve had him, but it felt right. Yeah, I got the feels, so what? Only other players I went over our prices were Nick Hundley and David Dahl. I have Dahl for $20 and I went to $22; I just love me some Dahl. And Nick Hundley is listed as -$4 in our values, and I would take a -$4 value from him for the $2 I spent because the next catcher off the board was Tucker Barnhart for $3, i.e., if the catchers were grapes, they’d be turds disguised as raisins. Oh, and speaking of catchers as turd raisins, I paid $7 for Derek Norris a week before Wieters signed. Here’s hoping Norris is traded to another NL team. Or Chuck Norris dropkicks Wieters in his elbow and Derek Norris is the starter again. Hey, it could happen!
OKAY, I’M GONNA GIVE YOU A COMPLIMENT: YOUR OUTFIELD IS SEXY. NOW, I’M GOING TO SLAP THAT COMPLIMENT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH: YOUR PITCHING IS A POOP EMOJI.
If you think I don’t know that, you’re not looking at my free round picks: Tyler Chatwood, Matt Wisler, Trevor Cahill, Jake Barrett. You think I wanted to take every terrible NL starter for s’s and g’s? I even took Jhoulys Chacin praying I can get some favorable home matchups. The pitching is a mess. I aim for about $80-85 spent on pitching and I spent $64. That pitching looks it too. And don’t even get me started on my bullpen, I think I’m projected for about 25 saves total. Though, last year I led this league from the beginning of April until the next-to-last day of the season (don’t ask) and I had one closer, Carter Capps. Oh, and my catchers last year were Carlos Ruiz and Dustin Garneau. So, it might not look pretty, but this league is very deep. Guys like Tyler Chatwood have value.
TWO WORDS: TOMMY JOSEPH AND YASIEL PUIG. OKAY, STOP COUNTING THE WORDS!
I might end up drafting Tommy Joseph in every league, so, like a gyno might say, let’s peek under the hood. He’s 25 years old and projected for 30+ homers and .260 if he plays 145 games. I’m sorry, but that’s better than Adam Duvall. Right now, Joseph is projected for the same value as Yasiel Puig. Speaking of #Puigyourdraft, he was so cheap, I just had to give him a whirl. I mean, Manuel Margot went for $18. There were no bargains and Puig felt like one. Of course, let’s see if I think he feels like a bargain in July.
LEAVE ME WITH SOMETHING POSITIVE, OTHERWISE MY WHOLE DAY WILL BE BUMMED OUT. THIS IS AFTER ALL ABOUT ME.
Bryce…Dahl…Taillon…Arcia…Foltysomethingwitz…Tilipia….WONG!!! Who doesn’t love these guys? I have upside, guys and five girl readers! By the by, one of our girl readers may be in a Razzball commenter league. Meet your future wife on Razzball and invite me to the wedding (if there’s going to be good food)! This NL-Only league will come down to who can avoid major injuries, because at the top of the waivers right now is Jacob Nottingham, who I believe is the guy Hugh Grant played when he was standing in front of a girl being asked to love her.
