It’s Opening Day, so what better time to start an “I Told You So.” Sure, any time is a good time for an “I Told You So,” and that doesn’t just hold true for So Taguchi. Though, that “I Told You So” rings true, as well. That’s if you did indeed tell So something, and he doesn’t heed your prescience. Oh, and don’t be scared, Carl Everett, prescience isn’t science from before science. So (Taguchi), A.J. Pollock has a fractured elbow. I told you not to draft him. Of course, I didn’t say he’d fracture his elbow; my Magic Eight Ball isn’t that precise, but I did say to avoid him in drafts. If you would’ve just followed that, we’d all be okay. You didn’t listen because you know better, and I’m not talking about that Armenian dishwasher you befriended at the bus stop, Better Vardanyian. You might know that Better, but you didn’t know better than to draft Pollock. For you drafters of Pollock, I’ll pour some of my “I Told You So” juice out that I’m marketing with So Taguchi. By the way, So Taguchi — retired for seven years, but a major part of the Opening Day roundup. Good for So Taguchi. And great for us, we got baseball! And not great for Pollock, he’ll be out for the better part of the year, if not the whole shebang, to quote Ricky Martin. I grabbed Socrates Brito in one league because he’ll be facing the majority of pitchers (righties). He was in my top 80 outfielders. I’m a big fan, though not as a houseguest. Wearing nothing but a toga on a couch is a little gross. He has solid speed and some power, think 10 HRs and 22 SBs. A poor man’s Pollock, I will call him Warsaw Ghetto. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend for fantasy baseball:
Adam Wainwright – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks. I’d say something unfavorable about Wainwright, but I don’t want him calling and berating me.
Ruben Tejada – Left a game last week with a quad strain, which puts Jedd Gyorko (0-for-3) back in line to be the starting shortstop. In directly related news, the Cards placed an ad on Craigslist for a shortstop. “Could use someone. Not looking for a long-term commitment. Contact us and let’s have some fun!” Wow, the Cards sound desperate.
Tommy Pham – Left yesterday’s game with a tight oblique. Pham sounds like a Thai beef salad. If you were to tie something, it should be tight. And I’m being oblique. Dur, of course he’s out with a tight oblique.
Matt Holliday – 1-for-3 as he played first base for about an inning-plus until Pham said damn. Holliday might play 1st base vs. lefties, and, no, I don’t mean against fans of Bernie Sanders, but it’ll depend on Pham’s injury.
Francisco Liriano – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners (5 BBs), 10 Ks. Anyone who saw this game can attest to Liriano’s magnificence. I, on the other hand, can’t because I was taking part in my annual NL-Only keeper draft. Guess who I have in my outfield. The one player I actually have more than Delino DeShizznit. Matt Holliday! Please let him Zombino his way back to respectability. Or at least halfway-decent-ability.
David Freese – 2-for-4 as he hit third in the lineup. At least I think it was third. After I saw what I believed was Freese hitting third, I closed my browser, shut down my computer and threw my computer out the window.
John Jaso – 1-for-4, 1 RBI as he hit leadoff. Compared to Freese hitting third, John Jaso Jingleheimer Schmidt hitting leadoff makes total sense. Wait, Gregory Polanco (2-for-3, 2 runs) is batting sixth. Oh, I see, Walt Weiss is squatting in Clint Hurdle’s brain.
Chris Archer – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 12 Ks. I’ll take a dozen Ks every day of the week and twice on Muesday. Muesday is that magical day between Monday and Tuesday.
Corey Dickerson – 1-for-4 and his 1st home run. I was thinking towards the end of draft season that Dickerson was going too cheaply. Seemed to go from overrated to underrated. I get that he won’t be in Coors anymore, but he fell to around 200 overall in some drafts that I saw. Dot dot dot. While I was standing behind you. Dot dot dot. Wearing bicycle shorts. That was me.
Marcus Stroman – 8 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. Definitely was Stroman’ing my pain with his fingers (one time). Wouldn’t put it past him to do it again (two times). True story alert! Wyclef Jean once went in to see my mom, who is a chiropractor, but he didn’t have back problems. The first thing he said to her was, “What is this bump growing on my butt?” Then dropped his pants. In the reception area. By the by, doctor-patient privilege doesn’t exist when you have a goofy malady.
Troy Tulowitzki – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his first homer. Sell! Kidding (no, I’m not).
Kevin Pillar – 2-for-5, 1 RBI. I swear, about two weeks ago, I was going to post a poll on Razzball’s Twitter account, Kevin Pillar or A.J. Pollock for 2016 fantasy baseball? Retweet for Pillar and favorite for Pollock, but then I realized A) I have little interest in the results. B) People really just do those polls so their shizz is retweeted. C) There’s no C. Not to mention (this is really C), I thought Pillar was going to be more valuable than Pollock, but most would’ve said Pollock. Those hypothetical Twitter polls are about as accurate as your standard focus group. “I like the big guy, but can he say something besides Hodor?” That’s your standard focus group takeaway. So, yeah, helpful. If you didn’t gather it from this, I wish I owned Pillar everywhere. He’s about to have a huge season.
Matt Harvey – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks. You can call this rematch vs. Kansas City, “Harvey’s Royal Flush.” Not because he showed the best hand possible, but because he’d see the Royals, then immediately go to the bathroom to avoid further bladder problems.
Edinson Volquez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks. You think he’s not worth owning, then he puts up great start after great start. Then, you pick him up, and he blows up. I will call him, Con Edinson.
Eric Hosmer – 3-for-4, 1 RBI. A detective picks up a white sheet covering a body, revealing a dead stripper, “Looks like she was singled to death.” The dead stripper is also any pitcher facing the Royals.
Miguel Gonzalez – Signed with the White Sox. Since John Danks and Mat Latos are the last two guys in the White Sox rotation, Gonzalez could work his way in at some point. Though, keep in mind, Gonzalez was booted from the Orioles and the last two guys on that staff are Tyler Wilson and Mike Wright. In this blurb, I’ve hidden five pitcher names that you don’t even want in AL-Only leagues. Can you find them?
Jason Grilli – Braves could use matchups in the 9th with Grilli and Arodys Vizcaino. Fredi Gonzalez said, “Hey, whatever I can do to wear out the most arms possible. I’m jennie. Jennie is how I say generous.”
Drew Pomeranz – Won a rotation spot for the Padres. I had an inkling this was going to happen; wish I secured him in a few of my deeper leagues. Alas, I got him in bupkis places, so I’m going to look at him with the glass half empty. In four-plus seasons, he has only 291 2/3 IP and a 4.07 ERA. Dah, I’m a dog person and can’t hate on a Pomeranz. Two of those seasons were in Colorado. When he moved to Oakland, he looked great in middle relief and spot starts (3.13 ERA, 1.03 WHIP, 9 K/9 in O.co). I wouldn’t be shocked if he goes from a guy you look for on the Stream-o-Nator to starting every time out.
Billy Hamilton – Will bat near the bottom of the lineup. Well, yeah, he has a .287 career OBP. Haha, man, that’s awful! He sucks! Replacing him at leadoff is Zack Cozart whose career OBP is .284.
Jose Peraza – At the last moment on Sunday, he failed to make the club in a bench role. Sky called him his sleeper pick this year, and as much as I want to mock it, I could see Peraza working his way back to the majors and stealing 20+ bases. Am I owning him in 12-team leagues right now? Don’t be ridiculous, you need room for your Hitter-Tron batty calls. You know the type, where Hitter-Tron breathes heavy and asks to speak to your car’s engine.
Dan Straily – The other day when he was traded to the Padres I called him the pitching version of Brett Wallace because every crappy team wants to own Straily at least once. Well, on Friday, the Padres released Straily and the Reds picked him up. Your move, Atlanta.
Ross Stripling – Got the 5th starter job for the Dodgers. When you see Stripling, you don’t want to make it rain, you hope it does rain. He was barely serviceable in Double-A last year, and I’d be cautious about him even in NL-Only leagues.
Bryan Mitchell – Fractured his toe. If you’re looking for a legit excuse at missing work with an injury, just go into the bullpen for the Yankees.
Travis Shaw – Named the Red Sox Opening Day 3rd baseman. When I added him into the top 20 1st basemen, I said, “He’s in the tier named, “They’ve attracted big fleas by wearing Big Dog shirts.” Then, cut to Pablo Sandoval standing behind him, tapping his shoulder, asking him if he’s going to take his position for very long, when, finally, Sandoval eats a large flea with Tapatio. Shaw could take Sandoval’s job until October. He could platoon. He could breakout. Last year, in 226 ABs, he hit 13 homers. That was more than Sandoval (for homers; Sandoval had/has more ABs. He’s got close to a thousand ABs if he’s not currently dieting and shaking his belly. His ABs roll for days.) Shaw hasn’t shown dramatic power prior to last year, so I’ll be conservative and say he’s right on the edge of ownable for 12-team mixed leagues, but could be more. Much more. Much, much, okay, you get it.” And that’s me quoting me!
Pablo Sandoval – Moved to the bench. In the updated top 20 3rd basemen, I said, “Travis Shaw won the job in spring because he was in better shape. Okay, if that’s the case, I could’ve won the job. I’m not convinced Pablo won’t see any time on the field, but if he sits for a long time, he may not be able to stand up again. It’s call Jabba the Hut Syndrome.” And that’s me really just copying and pasting me!
Hyun-Soo Kim – Ended up getting on the major league roster after he refused his minor league assignment. MASN reporter, Roch Kubatko, originally reported the “sense is Kim would report to the minors.” He was wrong, and isn’t it spelled sensei? Kim’s representatives said, “Kim would like to see his contract honored and executed faithfully. He also hopes to receive fair opportunities to continue his career as a major leaguer with Baltimore.” I’m not saying that sounds like Google Translator Gone Bad, but, well, I hope to receive fair opportunities in city of Los Angeles of United States while taking love instrument to my non-religious Cougar that ironically preys a lot.
