If you found us from Google due to this title, you might want National Geographic or an African safari forum where discussion quickly turns into a story about how ‘your old lady doesn’t let you watch scary movies.’ Here, when we say our ‘old lady,’ we’re not using a euphemism for a wife. It’s for my fiancee. Gio Gonzalez had a throwback to the days of wine and roses. The wine being anything but Boone’s. The roses being McGowan. He went seven innings and didn’t give up a hit past the first inning with only 4 baserunners and 11 Ks vs. the Phils and Kyle Kendrick (7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks). This was a battle between two teams you think are good offensively, but are not. The Bryceless Nats couldn’t score for Gonzalez and needed an Ian Desmond grand slam in the eleventh to win. This no decision was Gio’s 7th in his last 8 starts — c’mon, Gio, make up your mind. Or console yourself with a QS, Gio! This was a nice start after I had reservations about his falling K-rate and rising walk rate. Again, it was the Phils, so I wouldn’t just accept he’s back to last year’s tricks. It’s an illusion! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Ryan Vogelsong – Had pins removed from his hand. Somewhere, there’s a freaked out old lady because her pin cushion moved.
Marco Scutaro – 2-for-4, 1 RBI, and is now 4-for-8 since his return with mallet finger. Don’t think Scutaro brings much to the table when healthy, and now he has an ailment that sounds like Julia Child got trying to flatten a piece of veal.
Danny Espinosa – Activated from the DL, but sent to the minors. If he’s not playing in the majors, maybe he should, I don’t know, rest his broken wrist?
Bryce Harper – Will resume baseball activities in the next day or two. He’s anxious to spit and adjust his jockstrap again.
David Price – Will make a rehab start on Friday. Friday morning I will be forming a prayer rectangle with The Cougar and my dog, Ted.
Desmond Jennings – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 9th homer. Watching him get to 20/20 is like watching 20/20. Steal a handful of bases, Hugh Downs!
Jeremy Hellickson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Red Sox to lower his ERA to 5.50. Guess he just needed to be challenged. Someone drop him in a DeLorean so he can face the 1927 Yankees.
Brandon Morrow – MRI on his arm showed nothing major. Well, ain’t that fitting with how he’s pitched recently?
Brett Lawrie – Took batting practice and grounders. Not his own hit grounders, only Billy Hamilton can do that.
Adam Lind – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. It’s Lindsanity!
Jose Reyes – Moving to Triple-A, which would put his arrival in the bigs at about 5-7 days. It puts his arrival with the Yankees at 787 days.
Jonny Gomes – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs. How did I miss he hit two homers already this week? Slacking, Anime Grey, slacking! Gomes usually gets hot as a Junebug in July or whatever that yokelism is. Definitely not hurting him that Carp went from “just a cramp” to full-on “I need Midol grounded up so I can snort it.”
Derek Jeter – Yesterday, he took batting practice down in Tampa. But Matt Moore is supposed to pitch today.
Ichiro Suzuki – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer in the first game. In the second game, he went 0-for-3 and back to his old tricks. Well, new old Ichiro tricks.
Hiroki Kuroda – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, 2.78 ERA. You know when you ask what kind of starter can you get for your 2nd or 3rd outfielder, and I always say in the Fister range? Kuroda would work there too.
Hyun-Jin Ryu – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. You know when you ask…Any hoo! Ryu is in that range too.
Hanley Ramirez – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a home run in the first game; 2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs in the second game. Together, that’s like better than his whole season! Oh, wait, I was being facetious, but it really is.
Yasiel Puig – 4-for-9, 4 runs and a slam (5) and legs (2), batting .474 in his first game in New York. Puig couldn’t wait to take bite out of the Big Apple.
Adrian Gonzalez – 4-for-9, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .309 with 8 homers. Billy Butler, “I wouldn’t mind eating some homers.”
Chris Capuano – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks. He went against a Yankees lineup that featured Thomas Neal. I think I know most of the players pretty well. Hard to find names of guys I have never heard of, but if you were playing “Hitter or Middle Reliever” with Thomas Neal, you would’ve got me. Did the Yankees confuse doubleheader with split-squad game? Doesn’t Thomas Neal make paint?
Eric Young – 1-for-4. You know when you were a kid and you got a new toy and you wanted to play with it forever and ever and then you got sick of it? Maybe Young is the Mets’ shiny new toy and that’s why he played immediately and hit leadoff. Obviously, Terry Collins doesn’t like the Harry Potter-inspired Valdespin toy. I grabbed Young in one league where I needed speed to see if he plays every day.
Jake Westbrook – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks and his ERA is 1.76. Sure, he was injured for about a month, but what are they feeding Cardinals pitchers? Dave Duncan’s farm-raised chickens?
Edwin Jackson – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K. Edwin is definitely not eating those chickens. It’s like everything you know about regression and luck and stuff you don’t know that you think you do doesn’t apply to Cardinals pitchers or does apply and you think it doesn’t, then Edwin comes along and proves you right/wrong. Right? Wrong? I’m confused. Let me take a 45-second nap. *Claps hands* Back, snitches! I’d continue to hold Edwin if you can, this obviously wasn’t a great game.
Chris Johnson – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. He’s come down to earth so dramatically since the Braves traded Juan Francisco, Johnson hit eighth and was mistaken for a falling bowling ball. Hopefully, this isn’t the start of something because I dropped him yesterday because someone in the comments said Xander Bogaerts was promoted. What they meant was he was promoted to Triple-A. Would’ve been nice for a qualifier there!
Kris Medlen – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. By the by, all the talk about Medlen not being that good this year, uh, he has a 2.96 ERA. I wish all my pitchers were that bad. Can Greinke have that crappy of a run? How about Price? Can he return and be that awful? Any chance Kluber has three months of that horrific of an ERA? I got questions, y’all!
Josh Rutledge – 0-for-4, 2 Ks. On the bright side, both strikeouts were swinging.
Carlos Gonzalez – 2-for-5 and his 21st homer. Would you bet money that he stays healthy by the time he reaches his 27th homer?
A.J. Burnett – Pirates manager Clint Hurdle said Burnett hasn’t been anywhere near a mound since he was DL’d. Gotta be true unless Burnett went over Hurdle’s head.
Jason Grilli – Grilli tried to put a meatball by the plate and Jay Bruce smoked it, yelling “Hickory dickory that’s clocked!” for Grilli’s first blown save of the year. Grilli still produces great marks with very little ribbies.
C.J. Wilson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks. Thanks, Stream-o-Nator, may I have another!
Chris Tillman – 5 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K, 3.71 ERA. He’s flirting with being a usable pitcher for every league, but his walks are a tad high. Luckily, he’s leaving a lot of men on, which isn’t the best way to succeed. I could see taking the Tillman flyer, but he’s not a safe bet.
Chris Davis – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and two homers. Three more homers until 100!
Nate McLouth – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 24th steal. The Orioles have 5 hitters in the top 100 on our Hitters Player Rater, which is tied for the lead with the Red Sox. (Statute 7B, subsection 3A in the rulebook of the National Blog Association says every Red Sox blog mention must have an immediate Yankees mention, so the Yankees have one hitter in the top 100. The NBA also has a mandatory dress code of sweatpants and an ironic t-shirt.)
Adam Jones – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs. He looked headed for a ticker tease (0-for-3), then he turned things around late in the game going 2-for-2 with the counting stats. Glad I didn’t prematurely emoji.
Manny Machado – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 6th steal. Macho Machado man! I wish I still owned Macho Machado man!
Rick Porcello – 6 IP, 6 ER. As Rudy said yesterday, “Condolences on Porcello – a 2-out 3-run HR to Julie Taylor…I mean Taylor Teagarden?” Orioles just hit Porcello, after killing Verlander. Porcello probably should’ve been benched for this start, but hindsight allows you to better pat your own back, right? I’d continue to hold Porcello and look at this like a blip.
Jose Valverde – Brought in for mop-up duty and got mopped (1 IP, 4 ER). He’s no closer. He’s now an opener. As in, “Valverde’s pitching, Leyland’s opening up a new pack of Reds.” If Benoit is available in your league, I’d stash him. If he’s not officially the closer already, he will be within a few days. If Leyland refuses to just move Benoit into the closer role for some unforeseen reason, Rondon has done well in Triple-A, but a bit wild. My best guess is Benoit gets the job and Valverde gets designated for assignment. That assignment is to scare kids at haunted houses with his closnarl.
Heath Bell – 1 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners and got the ugly save. When you can’t go one-two-walk-to-Stanton-three against the Marlins, you really shouldn’t be closing anything but the door behind you, unless you grew up in a barn. So, those rules don’t apply for Charlie Manuel. Putz will return and be the closer again. That’s not to say he’ll be effective. An ineffective Putz is about as useless as a Bell that can’t ring up anyone.
Trevor Cahill – Left after one inning because he was hit in the hip. He said it hurt, but he should be able to make his next start, and hips don’t lie.
Jose Fernandez – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks. Sailed through 7 innings without giving up any runs, then was kept in past his limit, put two runners on and…Well, let’s just say he was Harvey’d.
Justin Ruggiano – 2-for-4 and his 9th homer. He’s also hitting well in the last week, but has been relegated to a platoon partner with Pierre. Pierre-Ruggiano smells like wet socks.
Justin Morneau – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Oh, Morneau di’int!
Brian Dozier – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Yes, Brian Dozier has nearly twice as many homers as Morneau.
Ryan Doumit – 2-for-3 and 5 for his last 7. J.P. Arencibia who?!
Everth Cabrera – Went to the DL with a hamstring strain. He could be out 15+ days. Aw, the plus sign giveth, now the plus sign taketh away.
Eric Stults – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks. You sitting on my lap, “Grey, your mustache tickles my ear. Could you tell me again what to make of Eric Stults?” He’s barely rosterable in 14 team mixed leagues or shallower. His K-rate is hideous, but he has been thrifty with the walks like future Bigger Loser contestants. I could see him being usable in home games. Put all that mess together and you have a Hodgepadre.
Jesus Guzman – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer in as many games. The spitey sense could be strong with Guzman, but more than likely we’re seeing a guy who just hits lefties well. Could see him doing something on Saturday vs. Kershaw. Let’s see what the Hitter-Tron… Oh, God, I didn’t know you were in there with the humidifier.
Will Venable – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer. Now his 2nd homer in the last 4 games. Venable tends to get hot for a week or so at a time. Yesterday’s homer was particularly interesting because it was Venable’s first this year against a tough lefty. That’s a hot schmotato about to go up a few degrees in temp.
Krispie Young – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. Don’t worry, I’m watching Krispie to see when it’s time to pick him up. Now is not the time yet.
Lance Berkman – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and a homer. A Morneau and Berkman homer on the same night? What is this, 1979? Is that why ladies are always saying I’m stylish? Bad girls…Talkin’ ’bout the sad girls…
David Murphy – 3-for-4, 2 runs. Hitting around .150 in the last week, but I don’t trust Murphy to ever get a three-hit game and not do more for the next few days. Call it Murphy’s Law. *intern whispers in my ear* Turns out Murphy’s Law is already taken. I call this Morphy’s Law.
Leonys Martin – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his third steal in as many games and fourth in the last five games. Hot schmotato alert! Grab him!
Eric Hosmer – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and 2 steals. He now has 7 steals on the year. Him and Alcides have nearly identical stats. Call them the Sighclones.
Mike Moustakas – 2-for-4. He hasn’t really done anything that exciting, but he is hitting .250 in the last week and 2-for-4 in back-to-back days. Not sure if everyone is like this, but when I drop a player, I tend to watch them even more closely, because I don’t want to miss anything. Though, realistically, I can’t imagine myself picking him up until he goes on a 17-for-20-something run.
David Lough – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI. He’s been hitting since he’s become a regular, but he’s still giving a silent ugh for SAGNOF.
Chris Perez – Won’t be activated on Friday since he’s been getting hit around pretty hard in the minors. Put into terms Perez can understand, he’s been taking hits on the gong.
Michael Brantley – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and two homers (3rd and 4th). Doode done near evaporated in the month of June up until this point — .173 with bupkis and charleys on everything else. (Bupkis and charleys is my new expression. Feel free to use it all the time so it catches on.)
Jose Altuve – 3-for-4, 1 run and 3 steals. Sleepy and Sneezy got nothing on Speedy!
Kyle Lohse – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. Now has three straight solid starts (one against the Reds; two against bupkis and charleys). Lohse is similar to Kyle Kendrick. He’s fine for starts here and there, but in shallower 5×5 leagues, he’s about that of a streamer due to a lack of Ks.
Rickie Weeks – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Like an English tourist in Italy, you put a Scooter behind Weeks, he starts moving.
Francisco Rodriguez – Got the save while Henderson set him up. As I said last week, the Brewers are going with K-Rod until he gets save number 300. Why? I don’t know. Maybe the Brewers long to be a footnote in history. If K-rod can be used as a trade chip, he could stay on as the closer until end of July. If K-Rod threatens physical violence, the Brewers might stick with him longer. If he gets Nia from The Real World: Portland to call up some of her ‘raw dawgs’ and threaten further violence, he stays on even longer. Remember, we here at MTV don’t condone violence. We only show it with a hot track underneath and some flashy graphics.
Norichika Aoki – Out on paternity leave. I don’t want to start trouble where there isn’t any, but about nine months ago members of the Brewers Sausage Race went to Japan on a peace-finding mission.
