I was in my IROC at a red light when a Camaro Z28 pulled alongside, revving the engine. I knew he wanted to race, so I pushed the button for my rear spoiler to emerge that reads, “Spoiler Alert: You Suck!” and spun my wheels until smoke enveloped both cars, then…I burned away from him! Turned out, the light was still red, I narrowly avoided hitting a few pedestrians and the Camaro Z28 was actually a cop. While the police officer was writing me a ticket, I got to thinking about how I’m always out in front of things. Whether it’s telling you to avoid Cano or draft Bryce, Donaldson or Arenado, it’s like I see the future. Sure, my Magic 8 Ball has a few blind spots, like the cop, red light, pedestrians diving out of the way and Gyorko, but I still beat him through the light. With this said, you need to get through the red light and get to Jon Lester first. Save conjecture and anecdotal evidence for the tales you tell your grandkiddies one day about your fantasy team, assuming you’re still talking about the imaginary team that got away in forty years. I know I will about Ryan Klesko’s 1-for-4 on the final day of the 2001 season that cost me everything. Everything! I mean, I already sent my bedroom wall measurements to ESPN for the championship pennant! So, what we know is Jon Lester used to pitch for the Red Sox, where Epstein was the GM. They are Peaches and Herb, and reunited does feel so good. Would Epstein go out and get damaged goods that he knew so well? Seems unlikely. Lester’s velocity is essentially the same this year as last, his K/9 is .2 different, which is nothing. His walk rate is up, and June has been his worst month for control (2.9 BB/9). From year to year, his walk rate went from an even 2 to (stutterer!) 2.3. Not a huge difference, but it’s there. Well, last year his May walk rate was 3.6 and ERA was 3.90, so he even had bad months last year, and his ERA last year was 2.46. It now sits at 4.25, and his BABIP is .344, which is unlucky. Yadda squared, what do all of these numbers mean?! It means Lester could have four months of a 2.50 ERA from here until September and it wouldn’t surprise me at all. I’d absolutely go out and buy him. Now, if you’ll excuse me *rear spoiler emerges, tires spin, car darts out into traffic* Spoiler Alert: You Suck! Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Taijuan Walker – I loved, loved, lurved Taijuan up until about three starts ago. What happened three starts ago? He started to pitch well, and became ownable. I don’t know why my sudden change of heart, but I think it’s similar to when you were dying to date a girl, then after she agrees, you want to sneak out the back of Bennigan’s while your potato skins get cold. It’s not cold feet, it’s cold potato skins.
Jaime Garcia – Like Guy Fieri and peroxide, the Stream-o-Nator has a guilty pleasure and it’s Garcia.
Vincent Velasquez – I just gave you my Vincent Velasquez fantasy. It was written in suntan lotion on your back while you slept on the beach.
Carlos Rodon – When I saw Rodon the other day, I wished that I grab him away. Instead of kneeling in the sand catching teardrops in my hand. My heart is drenched in whine, but you’ll be on my mind. Forever.
Steven Matz – Missed out on Velasquez, Rodon, Walker, Syndergaard, etc. etc. etc.? Take your anguish to the Matz like Dusty Rhodes would’ve wanted it.
Trevor May – The other day JB did a great job of breaking down May. He said towards the beginning he got a promotion at his day job and went bowling with some friends to celebrate–Wait, that was when he was breaking down his month of May. Here’s his Trevor May fantasy.
Chris Heston – He’s available? Really? Really, Seth Myers? Well, I’d grab him at least for his next start, no? Rhetoricals!
Carson Smith – Lloyd Christmas McClendon wants Fernando Rodney to take the closer job back because he used to watch Rodney Dangerfield back in the day and rather than laughing, he took Dangerfield’s ‘No Respect’ shtick literally and got really depressed. Now subconsciously he’s defending Rodney. Like this is any more implausible than McClendon talking about man muscles.
Pedro Strop – Rafael Soriano, Hector Rondon, Jason Motte, Turk Tetrazzini. One of these guys won’t get more saves than the other guys the rest of the year. Only one I can be sure about is Turk Tetrazzini because he’s asleep in a ditch somewhere due to a tryptophan coma.
Jake McGee – Bit of a weird time for SAGNOF! One closer looks awful (Rodney) and his manager wants him to close and other closers (Rondon, Boxberger) look fine and are losing jobs.
Devin Mesoraco – No idea if he’ll hit when he returns, but let’s put it this way. If he was pegged in the preseason as a starting outfielder that would play every day, you would’ve drafted him in the top 100. Some dopier ‘perts would’ve pegged him a top 50 guy. Not I, but some. What’s changed from then until now? He didn’t play the first two months due to an injury that shouldn’t affect him in the outfield.
Mitch Moreland – Full disclosure, I’ve tried to pick up Moreland and can’t find room for him. Maybe if he were Lessland.
Ben Paulsen – Morneau has no ETA, and, on a more general note, why on earth did the Rockies ever sign Morneau? This is like how they buried Dickerson for two years while struggling to get Cuddyer healthy every day, and buried Blackmon and buried Rutledge, okay, I understand the Rutledge one a little now, but still. You’d think at some point the Rockies would take a look at themselves.
Yonder Alonso – He’s not a long term solution for anything other than “How can I lose my league?” but he’s hitting .350-ish on the year.
Matt Duffy – I trust him about as far as I can throw him, and, while I was an alternate on my high school shot put team, I still don’t trust him. He is hot though.
Jace Peterson – To paraphrase Starship, “With fire and Jace, a dream won’t come true, but he could get you some steals and counting stats.”
Scooter Gennett – I just went over him this morning, but you know that because you read every word I write, even…this…one.
Maikel Franco – A few weeks ago, our bullpen writer, Smokey, wrote about the song, It’s Time For The Percolator, and ever since then that song has not left my head. I think a similar thing happened to our prospect writer, Mike, and Maikel.
Brock Holt – He’s playing nearly every day, and near the top of the lineup. On a side note, is Brock the coolest name or too cool? Like his parents were trying too hard. It’s kinda like the first name Wyatt. Oh, wait, that’s Brock’s middle name. Did his parents dress him in designer diapers too? Finally (cause I did way too much digging on this), his wife’s name? Lakyn. I don’t even know what that is, but damn is that trying to be cool too. Is that like Brooklyn? What is a Lakyn? Is it lay-ken? That would just be Barbie, wouldn’t it? This is driving me crazy!
Francisco Lindor – I nearly made him this week’s lede Buy, but I think he’s likely ten days away, so I’m aiming to really focus on him next Friday. If he’s called up prior to next Friday, then that focus will be said a little more aggressively.
Avisail Garcia – How is he owned in less than 50% of ESPN leagues? Even if you say Karabell has 12,000 fantasy teams to stock his virtual trophy case, it doesn’t add up. Own him already. Seriously. I can’t even with you people.
Austin Jackson – There’s one hot schmotato in this land that is different than all other hot schmotatoes. Only one is named Austin Jackson. Okay, it’s sort of a defining characteristic.
Steven Souza – It’s absurd that he’s owned in less than 50% of leagues. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, Souza!
Leonys Martin – Here’s another guy that I can’t understand why he’s not owned. It would have to be a hella shallow league for me to drop Martin. Uh-oh, I feel a rhyme coming on. Your league is hella shallow! What’s the matter, you yellow, maybe that’s fallow? In my leagues, guys like Kyle Kubitza are owned. That’s a real player that’s now known’ed. I’m starting Kelly Johnson in this league, I’m really boned! Man, I wish I could pick up Martin. Instead, I’m sitting on my hands, fartin’. Someone’s coming into the room, let me press down my knees — Oh, no! I squint so hard at my league’s waiver wire that I’m turning Japanese. I really think so.
SELL
Edwin Encarnacion – I’m such an injuryphobe. I admit it. A player has a concussion in 2009 and I still call him The Concusstador. Someone injures their oblique, and I think, “Oblique? Thanks for clarifying why he’s been bad!” A player standing next to Gallo has a hangnail and I think, “_h-_h, tr_ _ ble.” And buy a vowel! Edwin had shoulder soreness. It was so bad he needed a cortisone shot. Usually that alleviates the problem for at least a few weeks while he hits ding dong that pitch is dead. The cortisone shot helped for a day. Again, with some stank…One day! There’s a chance he rests for a few weeks and comes back with 20 homers in 25 games, but I’m officially concerned. I wouldn’t sell him for the licensing rights to action figures from the C. Thomas Howell movie, Soul Man, but I would explore options.
