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The singular of fireworks is firework, but sounds weird. A firework should be a professional wrestler who pretends to be a fireman for his character. That’s a firework. Speaking of firemen, Happy 4th of July or as firemen call it, “Why did you put a Roman Candle in your butt and aim it at your house? Dumb move, especially since you lived in a thatched hut.” You don’t need fireworks to light up the night sky when you have Michael Harris II (2-for-3, and his 8th and 9th homer). Megahertz is electricity. Since June 7th, he leads the MLB with a .416 average and ranks 2nd to Ohtani with a 1.166 OPS. I’m glad I took the Big Dub on calling him overrated at the start of June, so I can now go back to basking in his hawt-ness. Is that not how this works? Can I not call a guy overrated, then enjoy him a few months later? I absolutely can. No one says I need to watch him be a stinker the whole season. He was overrated coming into the year, and now he’s properly rated. When I rank him in the top 100 for the 2nd half next week, I think I’ve finally figured out where he should go. Sounds like Fiddy. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Marcell Ozuna – 1-for-4 and his 17th homer, hitting .251. Not a bad year, right? You walked right into that one! He’s been fine, but he’s been about as good as Ha-Seong Kim and Jeimer Candelario on the Player Rater.
Ronald Acuña Jr. – 1-for-4, 1 run and his 40th steal, adding onto his career high, and I won’t be making a career high of saying “career high” so that’s it for me saying that. Also, Tildaddy seemed to hurt his shoulder, but he stayed in, so hopefully he’s fine.
Bryce Elder – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 2.45. Every start under 2.50 ERA, and he will have one extra blowout next year when his ERA is north of 5. These are not my rules!
Gavin Williams – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.79. Hmm, prolly didn’t need to press my luck with Gavin vs. the Braves, and he did give up three Whammies, but overall not awful vs. a tough opponent.
Kyle Higashioka – 2-for-2 and his 4th homer. In that Yanks’ lineup, Higashioka is only the third worst hitter.
Anthony Volpe – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 11th homer. 4th worst? Okay, I kid. Volpe is actually hitting near-.500 in the last week, and hot schmotato alerting.
Harrison Bader – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. The most feared? Seriously, what happened to Giancarlo? So sad.
Domingo German – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.52. Johnny Vander Meer’s family was in the stands just in case German followed his perfect game up with a no hitter. Spokesman for the Vander Meer family said, “We could’ve just zoomed in for this.”
Tyler Wells – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.19. It sounds like normie stuff to you, but I’m impressed at how Streamonator was positive for Wells in Yankee Stadium.
Cristian Javier – 4 1/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 4.34. Playing my tunes while watching what-was-once Javier, and Lil Durk’s All My Life came on. To paraphrase, he sings, “If you ain’t never posted about a pitcher when his arm is alive, then you can’t post about him after he gets hit with a dead arm.” Happy 4th of July! Today, we’re slow cooking Cristian Javier’s elbow tendons. Here, I want you to try some…Too vinegary? Hmm, I put him in the slow cooker with a quart of arsenic and brown sugar. Let me check the recipe, could’ve sworn that’s right. I’d try to hold onto Javier, but I wouldn’t start him anywhere until he looks better.
Kyle Tucker – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .295. Mr. H2H is giving me problems with my top 100 for the 2nd half that’s out next week. What do you do with a guy who’s a one homer per week guy in half a season? Can’t hot bats do that in shallower leagues? What then, Tucker? WTT?
Yainer Diaz – 1-for-5 and his 8th homer, hitting .266. Went to look at the 30-day Player Rater for where Yainer landed for catchers, and I saw Jake Rogers being about as valuable. Is AI messing with me?
Jose Abreu – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer. Have already given you how Abreu is on pace for a 30-homer season, hitting .280 if you ignore his garbage first two months. (Fancy way of saying he’s had one good month.)
Chas McCormick – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. At the end of every podcast, BDon and I go over hot schmotatoes, and I nearly mentioned McCormick on this week’s show (out later today), because he has been hot.
Martin Perez – 1 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.81. The one good thing with no starters being good is we don’t have to see this Janky Jankerstein get lucky with a 2.50 ERA.
Travis Jankowski – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 1st homer. “Hey, that’s my cousin!” That’s Jankowski reading about Janky Jankerstein.
Leody Taveras – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. Has been way better than your fifth outfielder. How do I know? Oh, because I dropped Leody and have regretted it ever since.
Adolis Garcia – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer. Nothing to see here! Just ignore!
Will Smith – 1 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.19, 2nd blown save. Not exactly what you want to do right after your team trades for Aroldis. Believe Will Smith has engendered enough goodwill to have the closer job, but that’ll evaporate real fast if he does a poop in the bed.
Jazz Chisholm Jr. – Hit the IL with a strained oblique. Already getting aggravated at how I’m going to not draft Jazz next year in any league because of this year, and he’s going to stay healthy for 162 games and go 70/70.
Braxton Garrett – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.61. Love me some Braxton Garrett. His perfs (kids call them perfs) are super gorge (no one calls it gorge). He can also reasonably still throw 60-ish innings, which is roughly “just into September.”
Miles Mikolas – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.51. Almost typed his name Milks Milkolas, and now I want to call him that, always. Milks has Streamonator saying no on his next one, and I get it. Miles Stinkolas.
William Contreras – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 9th homer. Nine is also how many things Oli Marmol can think of wrong with Contreras.
Maikel Garcia – 2-for-3 and his 3rd homer, as he hit leadoff. He has a real chance to be special in the 2nd half. Or forgotten by July 23rd. I wanna believe.
Carlos Correa – 4-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .228, as he hit leadoff. This is goofy and makes no sense, but I wonder if it helps Correa to hit leadoff, because then he can just be a Punch ‘n Judy-type hitter, and stop trying to do too much.
Joe Ryan – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.42. Yes, Daddy likes bounce backs. It’s not Joever no’ mo’!
Xander Bogaerts – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. You liar, you told me he retired after April!
Blake Snell – 5 IP, 0 ER, 11 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.03. Watch Snell sneak in and win his 2nd Cy Young outta nowhere.
Bryan Woo – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.08. Outside of one terrible game vs. the Rangers, where you shouldn’t have started him anyway, he’s been way more Woo than not.
Thairo Estrada – Hit the IL with a fractured hand. *calmly picks up a pillow, screams into it* I’m fine. He’ll be fine. What, three weeks? A month? And one week is the break, so it’s nothing! *picks up pillow and begins to sob*
Brett Wisely – 0-for-3, as he was recalled with the makes-me-want-to-pillow-scream Thairo injury. It’s Wisley to ignore in mixed leagues for now.
Camilo Doval – 1 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 2.77 vs. Paul Sewald – 1 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.31 as the pens for the M’s and Giants tried to inflict the most destruction, terror and mayhem. Farmer’s what? Farmer’s what? I guess they wanna act like Buck Farmer! Sorry, LL Cool J helps take the pain away. Doval seems safe, but it might be safe to look at Andres Munoz too.
Blake Sabol – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 9th and 10th homers, and three homers in two games. Hot schmotato alert!
Clayton Kershaw – Hit the IL with shoulder soreness. This injury’s medical name is “There’s a week off, and this gives our guy, who we want to be healthy for the playoffs, an extra bit of rest.” Gavin Stone was recalled. Hopefully, it was him and not his evil twin, Sinkin. I’d want to see something first, and Stone might get sent right back down next week.
Max Muncy – 2-for-4 and his 19th homer. How much does Muncy make? $15 mill or something? Can he hire a nanny because this feels like his first homer since he had a baby? Is he getting up to change diapers or something? Get Muncy some relief? Vargas has been useless, hire him to change diapers!
Coco Montes – Sent down by the Rockies. He couldn’t make a dent in Nolan Jones’s bench-warming time.
Jeimer Candelario – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 12th homer, and 2nd homer in two games, and about the 15th time I told you he’s a hot schmotato in the last week.
Jake Irvin – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.70. I find myself now pre-remembering guys to use at a later date for the Immaculate Grid. Like a squirrel, but stashing names for winter. “Ooh, Jake Irvin, I will put him on my back burner’s ‘Remembering Guys’ medulla oblongata.”
Joey Votto – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Picked him up in two leagues, and was cruising along on those good vibes until I saw he’s hitting .154.
Jahmai Jones – 1-for-1, 3 RBIs as he was signed by the Brewers. Jah…mai Jones, he got a thing going on. That thing is being good in the minors and not the majors. Seems like he has easy speed, and nice teen-ish power. Plus, great contact, and none of that has translated to the majors. Maybe his 4th home is the charm, but I don’t see the playing time for mixed leagues yet.
Julio Teheran – 6 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.64. Outkast is back with a follow-up single, Bombs off Teheran!
Drew Smyly – 3 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.10. Wipe that stupid grin off your face, Smyly! Streamonator hates his next one, and I’d ignore him.
Chris Flexen – Traded to the Mets with Trevor Gott from the Mariners for Zach Muckenhirn. Muckenhirn is close to what my stepdad says when gardening, “Fuckenhernia.” Flexen was immediately DFA’d by the Mets, so you know where to send your fan mail. Address it, “Return to Sender.”
Oscar Colas – Being called back up by the White Sox. Colas’s got some pop. Sorry, bad pun. Colas fizzled-out the first time. Sorry, I’m stopping now. Colas has a Tab to pay to his drafters. I’m seriously done now. Colas has speed after some coke. All right, really done! In Triple-A, Colas went 9/2/.293 in 212 plate appearances, and he’s the stereotypical swing-at-everything-make-contact-with-most guy. Only problem with that guy is their contact isn’t always great. Hopefully, he comes back making less shizzy ground-ball contact.
