When you get a little cumin, coriander, curry, power and speed in the same dish, you got a Marte party! Whatever happened to that Next Food Network Star? She disappear with every other one, except Guy Fieri? As Anthony Bourdain aptly said, Fieri is the Poochie of the Food Network. Due to Fieri’s success, they keep trying to sandwich (pardon the word) new personalities onto their network. This past season they awarded a Hee Haw Fieri. Instead of the frosted hair, he had a cowboy hat. We call this show, Diners, Drive-Ins and Farting By The Fire! Any the hoo! Going into yesterday’s game, Starling Marte was tied with George Springer and behind Michael Morse on our Player Rater. To that, The Count would say blah blah blah. Crazy enough, Drew Stubbs was above all of them, and in the top 40 outfielders. By the power of Coors, I pronounce you fantasy worthy. Of course, Marte went 3-for- 4 with his 7th and 8th homers yesterday, so he’ll probably shoot above those aforementioned outfielders. Marte’s a little behind his pace from last year, but I’m going to like him next year for one simple reason: a guy that can hit 12 homers and steal 40 bases is very valuable as long as he doesn’t hit .220. That’s like a manhole in Fantasy Town! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Vance Worley – 6 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 8 Ks. If you streamed him, you got your head dunked in a toilet and received a Worley.
Neil Walker – 2-for-3 and his 17th homer. Walker’s fantasy value has punctured tennis balls on the bottom. Doesn’t move fast, but it steadily moves.
Travis Snider – 2-for-4. Hasn’t stopped hitting in two weeks. Fo’realies.
Andrew McCutchen – Already expected back today from his fractured ribs. I wonder if he just spackled some soggy cardboard with BBQ sauce on himself to repair his McRib.
Ervin Santana – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks. Braves jumped out to an early lead and Ervin got lackadaisical as he steered the boat into the Ivictory Coast. You, sir, are no Laura Dekker.
Jason Heyward – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. If you could go back to that day he hit a homer in his first major league at-bat and told Braves fans he’d only have ten homers in the middle of August four years later, they wouldn’t believe you. If they even listened, they may be too distracted watching future All-Star, Jordan Schafer.
Andrelton Simmons – 1-for-5 and his 6th homer. In the preseason, I was wondering if Simmons’s 17-homer power from last year would show up and his 25-steal speed from the minor leagues. To answer March Grey, Simmons is still out of this world, just not in the metaphorical sense.
Chris Johnson – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting near-.350 in the last week with a homer on Sunday. About as exciting as his John Doe-type name, but he is hitting.
Brandon Phillips – 0-for-4 as he was activated from the DL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “You’re all a bunch of honkeys!” Unable to fire Kevin, ESPN sent him to Diversity Training where they’re hoping he learns to become more tolerant or at least learns some slurs that are more current.
Jay Bruce – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 14th homer. Damn, Bruce is working my soft spot like I’m a 60-year-old Jersey woman.
Trevor Rosenthal – 1 IP, 1 ER and his 5th blown save. If that surprises you, I pray for you if you ever open a closet door and a cat jumps out. I’m still holding Seth Maness, but, of course, I’d want Pat Neshek first as I said yesterday.
Justin Masterson – 5 IP, 4 ER. At least he’s done frontin’ like he’s good, and luckily I’m the only person in the world not done with the word frontin’.
Jhonny Peralta – 3-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs and the Superfluous H is hitting near-.300 in the last week with a homer. Somewhere, Khalil Greene is smiling. I imagine Khalil’s in some kind of odd situation like when Max Tanner was caught smoking crack.
Matt Adams – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. Too bad he didn’t have the game-winning hit yesterday. I was waiting with my pause button for the moment the Gatorade bucket was dumped on his head. Wet t-shirt contest! Or imagine his joy with a whipped cream pie in his face. Tastes like shaving cream…Which is minty delicious!
Nate Schierholtz – Nationals signed him to a minor league contract. He might come up when the Nats extend their roster to the Nates.
Wilson Ramos – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Probably need to get six more homers to even be on sleeper radars for next year. You got some work to do, Willie Ramos!
Adam LaRoche – 1-for-5 and his 19th homer. Why you only call on LaRoche when his fantasy value is high? Sorry, I’ve been listening to the Arctic Monkeys.
Jordan Zimmermann – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks and a no decision. That’s such a snooze quality start. We should have a glossary term for Quality Starts that are that boring. Please suggest in the comments.
Tyler Clippard – 1 IP, 1 ER and the blown save to the lone applause of Rafael Soriano. Yesterday’s blown save came after Matt Williams said Soriano “…is our closer…” The dots there represent him also saying curse words with his hand over his mouth. I’m hoping Drew Storen gets the next save opp, which prolly won’t happen until Soriano blows another one.
David Peralta – 1-for-5 and his 6th homer, hitting .290, as he bats third, which actually makes sense…Well, if you only take into account the previous month. Prior to 2013, Peralta was a terrible minor league pitcher. Herbathrowdites don’t have a long track record of success once major league pitchers realize Finkle is Einhorn.
Didi Gregorius – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. The Gregorius D.I.D. dedicated that homer to all the fantasy baseballers that told him he’d never amount to nothin’.
Roenis Elias – 4 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks. Elias Sports Bureau said he doesn’t care what that crazy woman says, he’s not Roenis Elias’s baby daddy.
Dustin Ackley – 3-for-4, 1 RBI. Seemed like his hot schmotato was fading into the ether, but ether’s so amorphous, unlike a hot schmotato which is concrete jibber-jabbering, so I guess Ackley’s still got his groove thang.
Andres Blanco – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. “Andres, D-R-E-S, I guess he can start, if it’s all right with you, I’ll rip this here Rollins apart.” That was Sandberg during the pregame as he walked around the clubhouse with his Walkman.
Ben Revere – 2-for-5 and his 36th steal, hitting near-.450 in the last week. Too bad he can’t get into the Court of SAGNOF. Not after his great-great grandfather betrayed the Brits.
Jerome Williams – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA down to 2.19. Wait, WHAT?! Who are you, Jerome Williams? A vision of the Lord Savior on a burnt piece of toast? Oh, that’s his ERA on the Phils, he gave up 10 ER in 4 IP two starts ago. Yeah, you are no holy Wonder Bread.
Chris Sale – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks in 121 pitches. By the time the Yankees buy him for $120 million in 2017, they’re just going to get Chris Sale and a dangling wet ramen noodle.
Nick Markakis – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. First sign that either the Mayans are coming for us or it’s a slow baseball night, Markakis was trending on Twitter. I love the Twitter spammers who just put everything that is trending in their tweet so when you search, it comes up. Yesterday, my favorite spammer tweet was “Shake it off, Johnny Football, Nick Markakis is the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge that Ferguson, Missouri needs.”
Bud Norris – 7 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks. I wonder if he goes up to ladies in a bar and says, “This specific Bud is for you.”
J.J. Hardy – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 7th homer. Still would be shocked if he doesn’t have at least 17 homers this year, so he’s gotta get blazing hot in the next six weeks.
Salvador Perez – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs but left with soreness in his knee. He said he’ll be fine, just needs to light a votive candle and put it on his knee.
Erik Kratz – 2-for-2 and two homers. Doesn’t Erik Kratz sound like a nosy neighbor from a 50’s sitcom?
Jason Vargas – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA down to 3.17. Look at your fantasy team’s ERA and look at Vargas’s. Now look at him on your waivers. Ah, I didn’t say Simon Says!
Josh Willingham – 3-for-5, 1 run after homering on Sunday. The Other White Meat with a hot schmotato is a full meal for your fantasy team for a limited time only at Applebee’s.
Oswaldo Arcia – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 12th homer. Now has four homers in the last week. He also only has six hits total in that time, but if you need power, I’d grab Arcia.
Trevor Plouffe – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. Plouffe goes the dynamite!
Mookie Betts – 1-for-3, 1 run. Jackie “I Can Walk Three Times In One Game!” Bradley Jr. was demoted and Betts was recalled to play center field. Singing John Fogerty at karaoke paid off! Betts absolutely dominated Triple-A, and he’s not a Quad-A player. He’s 21 years old with plenty of time for him to develop into a 10 HRs, 30 SBs guy. Whether that happens this year –> your guess = my guess. I’d grab him in most leagues for speed if you need an upside gamble.
Brandon Workman – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, lowering his ERA to 4.26. I was thinking Workman-like makes it sound like it’s Tool Time with Tim Taylor and then I started thinking, “Whatever happened to Tim Allen?” Apparently, he’s been on a TV show for the last three years, and I had no idea. Something called Last Man Standing, which I can imagine is also the audience. As for Workman, yeah, he’s not very good.
Josh Hamilton – Missed his 2nd straight start. Not clear if he’s got an injury, or if it’s been six weeks since his last injury, and he felt he was due.
C.J. Wilson – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners (5 BBs), 5 Ks. I don’t know, 5 walks in just over five innings doesn’t seem 100% flake free.
Kevin Jepsen – 1 IP, 1 ER. Got the save yesterday because Huston Street was temporarily closed do to overwork. Should be open again today.
Jake Arrieta – Cubs said they won’t shut down Arrieta early. Let’s hope the Fat Man who hangs out with Jake doesn’t have a singing wife.
Anthony Rizzo – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 28th homer. HR to the Rizzo!
Luis Valbuena – 3-for-4, 1 RBI. Only thing he’s good for is Val.
Matt Szczur – 0-for-3. Anyone know if Marc Rzepczynski went into Witness Protection?
Kyle Hendricks – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks vs. the Mess. As I said in Friday’s Buy, I would’ve streamed Hendricks in this start. The Stream-o-Nator is just above meh on his next start, and I’d only stream him there if I were desperate.
Lucas Duda – 1-for-3 and his 22nd homer. Wet Tail! Let’s go to frequent commenter, JeF With 1 F, for the explanation, “When my daughter was around three, she had a hamster that died of Wet Tail (yes, that is a sickness that hamsters die from; it’s an intestinal disease). Ever since then when I’ve gotten that queasy feeling, like a bout of soupy poopie was coming on, I have referred to it as Wet Tail. Duda = soupy poopie = Wet Tail!” Four ladies and gentlemen, there ya have it.
Carlos Torres – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. With Arismendy Alcantara (0-for-4, 2 Ks) and Javier Baez (1-for-5, 2 RBIs, 2 Ks and his 5th homer in 14 games) at the top of the lineup, the Cubs are the new Astros. Throw them pitches in the dirt and pitch around the midget. Okay, not the midget part as much.
Jenrry Mejia – 1 IP, 2 ER. He has a hernia and you bring him in a non-save situation? Talk about busting his balls.
David Wright – 0-for-4 as he played with a sore shoulder. Well, his stat line kinda gave that away. He should, er, rest his shoulder until February, but he’s not going to do that. He’s too eager-to-please, gung ho, Mr. Mom.
Bartolo Colon – Left the club to be with his ill mother. No word if Pujols will also miss time. You know, because the Colon and the Pujols are related.
