Felix Hernandez hit the DL with a calf strain. He could veal it during his last start. Sounds like a good injury to milk. Sorry, I was just shaking out the pockets of these jeans I wore last night and I had a bunch of unused cow puns. What’s a dad cow’s poop called? Pa-nure! Take it, Highlights, it’s yours! So, James Paxton was called up to replace F-Her, who is likely going to only miss a few weeks, but Paxton could continue to get starts if he’s good. So, can Paxton be good? Is there’s twelve posts in post-post-post-post-post-post-post-post-post-post-post-post-hype sleeper? Paxton has shown flashes of brilliance with his 94 MPH fastball but the M’s have wanted Paxton to improve on a bunch of pitches and he’s already 27 years old, so is improvement coming? Well, he had a 3.97 ERA in Triple-A this year and Steamer projects him as a streamer, so I have no faith whatsoever. Speaking of faith, yesterday Paxton gave up runs like his character gave out marriage proposals. Looking at his line is like looking at Chloe Sevigny — 3 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 unearned runs. Paxton’s like when Picasso stood up from the toilet. He’d look down and say, “That’s a work in progress.” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Wil Myers – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer. Save some posts for this post12-hype sleeper.
Jon Jay – 4-for-6, 2 runs. Nice game from The Federalist, but this is the problem with the Padres. Okay, one of the problems. Yangervis Solarte (3-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI), Matt Kemp (2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI), Alexei Ramirez (3-for-5, 3 runs, 5 RBIs with his 2nd and 3rd homers), Adam Rosales (2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs with his 3rd homer), and where does that get you? Myers is the only one worth anything moving forward. The rest of their team is placeholders until they find someone either younger or better. Go younger now, stop with the placeholders. Like Jay, Yangervis, Kemp, Alexei, Rosales, Norris, Upton, etc. is the future of your franchise. Please. Okay, could someone help me down from this soapbox?
Miguel Sano – Hit the DL. Every preseason schmohawk I listed as overrated is on the DL. Not one. Not two. Not three. Not four. Five. Five guys I told you to avoid in the preseason and all five are currently on the DL. I’m reminded of Posdnuos’ line from Afro Connections at a Hi 5, “Now I hold my crotch cause I’m top-notch.” Yo, G, you nailed the overrated guys once again. And you know that!
Sean Manaea – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 6.16. Stream-o-Nator was slightly more positive than meh on his start yesterday vs. the Twins, and is slightly less than meh on his next start. Be it as it meh.
Danny Valencia – 3-for-4, hitting .346. Only a handful of people asked to drop him yesterday. We’ve come a long way. Not far enough though. Damn, I sound downright MLK! That’s Mark Linn-Baker. Ask him why he didn’t use the B in his initials.
Jed Lowrie – 2-for-4, 2 runs, hitting .315. Good news is he’s hitting. Bad news is once you pick him up he’ll get injury. It’s scientific.
Austin Jackson – Sat out again with turf toe. A-Jax needs to scrub better!
Jacob deGrom – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.62. I just heard the ice cream truck jingle and ran out to find a Jacob deGrom Buy Low truck. So glad I didn’t miss you! Let me have one deGrom with jimmies…*truck pulls away* Wait, where are you going? Come back! At least shut off Three Blind Mice!
Jose Abreu – 0-for-4, 1 RBI, hitting .242. Yesterday, he knocked in the winning run with a sac fly. I’d prefer he grew a sack and hit a big fly. I used to call him El Grande Dolor because of his similarity to The Big Hurt, Frank Thomas, but now I wish to hire a lawyer for Frank Thomas to sue me for insulting him. Serious question, can I hire a lawyer to sue myself?
Todd Frazier – 1-for-4 and his 17th homer. Mean’s while, Abreu picked his nose for the 17th time.
Gregory Polanco – Missed yesterday due to discomfort in his foot and is headed for an x-ray. Ugh, we need a prayer hexagon immediately.
Jon Niese – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks. Cool, sweet, adjective, so where’s Jameson Taillon?
Adam Conley – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.72. Prior to yesterday, he had an ERA near-6 at home, and has gone less than six innings in five of 11 starts. What does this mean? That it’s impossible to know what Conley you’re going to get on any given day.
Jon Lester – 9 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.29. Terrific year so far from Lester and he’s not allowing steals at the usual rate; I know this because I’ve now streamed multiple fast players against in the last few starts with no results. Yay me!
Hector Rondon – Was unavailable with back stiffness. Maddon didn’t know if Rondon would be available today, then Maddon drew on the replay screen, showing which way the O-line was blocking. Grab Pedro Strop now, just in case.
John Lamb – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 5.58. Yesterday’s start came in Coors, where he should’ve been killed, but the Pun Gods refused to allow me a Lamb to slaughter.
Billy Hamilton – 3-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs and two steals (11, 12). For one series in Coors, Hamilton was the player everyone thought they were drafting for the last two years.
Anibal Sanchez – Moved to the bullpen as he lost his rotation spot. Only thing that could break him out of this slump is posing naked with Kate Upton. Or at least that’s what he keeps trying to sell Verlander on.
Michael Fulmer – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.24. He’s not only striking guys out, but he’s also getting guys to ground out. That’s a combination for success. Here’s what Big Magoo just said the other day, “In addition to the swings and misses (10.7 SwStr%), Fulmer’s been able to keep the ball on the ground as well, as his 51.0% GB% can attest. In fact, he’s one of only ten starting pitchers (min. 30 IP) who has managed a 50% GB% combined with a 10% SwStr% this season: Kershaw, Syndergaard, Nola, Arrieta, Salazar, Kluber, Tanaka, Hamels, and Liriano are the others. He’s as pretty as Grey is ugly.” Hey, what? Who proofread this? I’ve taken a long time to come around on Fulmer, but I’m around now.
Francisco Rodriguez – 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER, and his 15th save, ERA at 3.60. Yesterday, K-Rod revealed he had the Zika virus this offseason. I will say this. K-Rod’s father-in-law has some killer long game. Revenge is a dish best served cold with chimichurri sauce hiding the flavor of ground-up infected mosquitos.
Matt Shoemaker – 7 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners (0 walks), 8 Ks, ERA at 5.50, but has 31 Ks in his past 22 2/3 IP and has only given up 4 ER in that time, lowering his ERA from 8.49 to 5.50 in three starts. Yes, I’m a fan. His xFIP is 3.56 and his K and BB rates are 9.1 and 2.2. Those numbers make him ownable in all leagues. Those numbers are remarkable similar to his opponent, Fulmer. Shoemaker vs. Fulmer? Fulmer has more upside and downside, Shoemaker is safer.
Bryce Harper – Dusty Baker said there’s no structural damage in Harper’s knee. I’m sorry, but I can’t imagine Dusty saying the phrase “no structural damage.” I could see him saying Harper’s knee isn’t “jammed up,” or “is feeling good, what is this twenty questions,” or “you really want me to remove my toothpick so I can answer you?”
Danny Espinosa – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Great, he’s getting hot just as Super Two’s start to become eligible. Just terrific with a squiggly-mouthed emoji.
Wilson Ramos – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .338. Amazing how many people want to drop Ramos in the comments. They should try and own Tyler Flowers and Yan Gomes for a game or two months.
Max Scherzer – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.87. This game came against the Phils, who he’s faced three times (2.57 ERA in 21 IP). Just due to the Braves and Phils, Scherzer will have an ERA around 2.75 this year.
Jimmy Paredes – Phillies acquired him from the Jays for cash. The cash amount was said to be less than twenty-seven dollars but more than sixteen. Phillies’ fans are excited about greeting Paredes with ticker tape. Giant rolled up containers of ticker tape that will hurt when they hit someone.
Gordon Beckham – Left yesterday’s game with a hamstring injury. But what about the .06% that own him? What will they do?!
Hunter Pence – Sounds to be headed to the DL with a hamstring injury. I think Pence is getting to the age where we’re lucky to see 100 games from him before his Gangly Manbird body breaks down.
Brandon Belt – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. He’s totally cooled off. Wait, no he hasn’t.
Michael Pineda – Joe Girardi removed his bite guard and said Pineda is not in danger of losing his rotation spot. Is this more of a confidence builder for Pineda or more of an insult to Severino?
Masahiro Tanaka – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.78 vs. Aaron Sanchez – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.99. This matchup was billed as Chopped judge Aaron Sanchez vs. Iron Chef Masahiro. Sanchez opened with pozole that made the judges go “hominy, hominy, hominy” and Masahiro met the challenge with a course he called “Tempura’d Expectations, The Japanese Have No Letter K.” I’m Alton Brown and I will make you want to Hulk smash your TV.
Darwin Barney – 3-for-3, 2 runs. The Purple Evolutionist has been playing every day, and has a hit in his last five games. Could be a very light schmotato.
Brad Boxberger – Hit the DL again with an oblique injury. This comes after he missed two months due to core muscle surgery. Hope he held onto his receipt! Yes, pick Alex Colome back up if he was dropped.
Chris Archer – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.75. You know what I love in a not-loving-at-all kinda way? When I need streamers and middle relievers to help bring down my so-called ace, Chris Archer’s, stats. That is awesome.
Curt Casali – 2-for-3 and his 6th homer, but 12 homers if he played every day. Yeah, I’m keeping track of his fictitious homer count.
Kendrys Morales – 2-for-3, 1 RBI, hitting near-.350 in the last week. Hot schmotato alert!
Whit Merrifield – 2-for-5, 1 run, hitting .360. Gonna kinda miss him when Odor returns. Okay, not that much.
Will Smith – Craig Counsell said Smith could see save opportunities. When Counsell said it, he was holding the microphone is a really odd way. Like he was Trump mocking a physical disability. I’d own Smith in every league where I needed saves. He’s usually safe for ratios and saves would be a cherry on top like this Tawny Kitaen magnet I put on top of my ice cream sundae magnet on the refrigerator.
Zach Davies – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.53. He throws a 89 MPH fastball, which isn’t the end all, except Davies throws it 63% of the time. Nothing like relying on a blazingly whatever fastball. In fairness to him, he induces ground balls. Also, in fairness to him, he’s fair.
Evan Gattis – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Better yet, this was his 5th game catching. Should have eligibility in Yahoo now, assuming they don’t freeze everyone out of their teams and revert all stats accidentally back to last week.
George Springer – 2-for-5 and his 13th homer, hitting .290. Overwhelmingly, Springer lost out to Trout yesterday in the consensus, which does make sense. By the by, there are two guys above Trout on our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater. Can you guess which two?
Mike Fiers – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.84. He was the Stream-o-Nator pick of the day, after the Stream-o-Nator picked up the phone, thinking it was ringing, when it was really a phone on the TV. Aw, the Stream-o-Nator is so sad!
Jake Lamb – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. He got into that ball in a baaaaaaaaahd way.
Mike Napoli – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, and his 5th homer in the last nine games (sample sizing!). There’s no schmotato hotter right now in the entire universe. The universe that rotates around Napoli’s mother’s nipples.
Trevor Bauer – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.27. Can I be honest with you? Thanks, I appreciate your discretion. Okay, I wouldn’t own Bauer in any mixed league. Whew, that felt good to get off my chest. Speaking of chests, how about that Napoli?!
Marlon Byrd – Suspended for 162 games for his 2nd PEDs offense. The only people that want to see Byrd play again are Lynyrd Skynyrd fans. Byrd will now follow his namesake and explore the South Pole to see if Santa has some undetectable PEDs.
Jurickson Profar – 2-for-5, 1 run, hitting .357 in a little less than a week. Did I say week? Where’s my Odor?! Don’t point to my armpits. Not cool.
Hyun-soo Kim – 3-for-5, 1 run, hitting near-.350 in the last week, and has a homer a few games ago. Honestly, his upside is unclear, as is why he doesn’t have a Ho in his Korean name, but he has been hot.
Pedro Alvarez – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. Pe-Al doesn’t get three hits in a game without being locked in. That means he’s going to homer in the next few days. You can bank on it (or never mention this again if he doesn’t).
David Ortiz – 2-for-4 and his 15th homer. He’s going for Bonds this year?
Krispie Young – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd and 3rd homers, has hits in eight of his last ten games, and hitting over .300 in the last week, but Krispie platoons, so you need to do the same. Yeah, I’m your boss!
Mookie Betts – 2-for-3 and two more homers (13, 14). Betts is on the Zone Diet, eating at ESPN Zone, while listening to his Zune that he’s strategically altered to now read Zone, while watching an interview with Billy Zane that the interviewer keeps mispronouncing to be Zone, when Joan from Mad Men walks in and someone yells, “Hey, it’s Joan!” but they sneeze at the worst possible time and end up saying, “Hey, it’s Zone!” That’s how in the Zone Betts is. He had as many homers in a seven at-bat stretch as the Braves had in April. Betts is the 2nd youngest to hit 5 HRs in two games, but Bryce Harper, the record holder, had an off day between the two games. BETTS DOESN’T NEED OFF DAYS! Sorry, I didn’t mean to do all caps, but my keyboard is sticky from owning Betts.