I only wish Madison Bumgarner fractured his hand after every single person drafted, because I knew I was never drafting him. Terrible thing to say? Perhaps, but I’m not the poor schnook who was still drafting him after I said for the last three months to not draft him. I even put him in a tier originally in the top 20 starters that said, DO NOT DRAFT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. Okay, not in that tall of a font, but the sentiment was all over that tier. I said specifically, “This is just like the above tier, and I will be avoiding it, but rather than the above guys who I actually like, just won’t draft, I do not like the guys in this tier, and would never draft them at their price. So, while I wouldn’t draft the above guys, I really wouldn’t draft these guys. Got it? Cool.” And that’s me quoting me! Of course, I can’t claim prescience that I knew he’d be hit by a comebacker, but will I anyway? Hmm… Why not?! Prescience ain’t just a word on my Word of the Day calendar that I got in a Secret Santa! So, I’ve dropped Bumgarner in the rankings, and adjusted his projections accordingly. My Fantasy Baseball War Room gets updated on the reg, as well.
This is the point where people get pissed off when I say I told you not to draft Madison Bumgarner. YOU COULDN’T HAVE KNOWN HE WOULD GET INJURED. Cool. Still said not to draft him.
— Razzball (@Razzball) March 24, 2018
Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for 2018 fantasy baseball:
Jeff Samardzija – Out for a month with a pectoral strain. Apparently, pectoral strains are going around the majors. I blame millennials. They ruined pectorals, and the world. Sorry, guys, this shizz is on you. I’ve docked Samardzija a monthzija of projections in my top 80 starters.
Scott Kingery – Will break camp with the team. Kingery dingery dock, Grey ran up to the waiver wire to grab this Scott! Look at the Jacked Up Jew Kapler flex his trapezius muscles by making out a lineup card! Check out the Jacked Up Jew Kapler make his abs into a 14-pack while giving Kingery the nod! Look at the Jacked Up Jew Kapler show off his sculpted calfs while hitting Kingery leadoff! Kingery has no starting job right now, but Cesar Hernandez, Maikel Franco and J.P. Crawford are all disposable compared to Kingery. Actually, besides Hoskins, I’d bench anyone for Kingery. In my top 20 2nd basemen I’ve upped his ranking and projections.
Jack Flaherty – Made the rotation with the Wainwright injury, and Wainwright’s been Way-wrong for a few years now, so I’m all-in on Flaherty, i.e., Flaherty will get you everywhere. I’ve moved him up in my top 80 starters.
Luke Gregerson – Will start season on the DL. Cards may open the season without naming a closer. In related news, Greg Holland is trying indoor skydiving because he found this Groupon he couldn’t refuse. Who knows what tomorrow holds for Holland, maybe he’ll go see a matinee. So much freedom for him from the constraints of being on a team. I’d continue to own Dominic Leone, Gregerson and Tyler Lyons.
Daniel Murphy – Officially ruled out for the start of the season, which was all but guaranteed all preseason, so I didn’t move him in my rankings, but I also haven’t drafted him and have no intention on it, especially since I have no more leagues. As Prospector Ralph says, “Knees, man.” I think he’s referring to how hard it is to come back from a knee injury. Hey, it’s not Dr. Prospector Ralph.
David Phelps – Had Tommy John surgery to repair his arm. “His” in that sentence was likely unnecessary, kinda like this update.
J.T. Realmuto – Will start year on the DL. Sounds like it won’t be long until Jerry Tomato is back with the Marlins, asking to be traded away from the Marlins.
Rafael Montero – Complete tear of his UCL in his right elbow and will have Tommy John surgery. Dr. James Andrews said he will no longer accept Tommy John stamp cards from Mets starters.
Zack Wheeler – Will start the year on the DL. Too bad for Wheeler, he was vying to break camp as the 4th backup to the 1st backup for Noah Syndergaard.
Dinelson Lamet – Out until May with a sore elbow. Too much damn waxing on and off, Dinelson! No! Don’t paint the fence either! This was a dog day afternoon for Lamet. Jury’s still out, but if you owned Lamet, find 11 other angry men who also owned him, you’re gonna need company. Elbow pain is of grave concern, and now he’s ranked by Graveman in the top 100 starters, and I moved him down my top 500. I was kicking myself for not drafting him as of two days ago, now I’m exhaling like Angela Bassett in the arms of Taye Diggs.
Austin Hays – Optioned to the minors to begin the year. In my rankings, I had Hays ranked around 280 overall with a total of 334 at-bats. That still sounds about right, but obviously the possibility of him breaking camp with the team flew the coup. Orioles fly right? They’re not like ostriches, are they? How is an ostrich even a bird? If an ostrich is a bird, I’m a bird. Yo, I’m a bird!
David Dahl – Sent to Triple-A. You know what Dahl is? A Roxtease.
Greg Bird – Had an MRI on his foot, which showed inflammation. After Bird pulled a Kotchman last year, I would not be surprised if Bird misses five months with a sore foot. Prove me wrong, man, it’s on you now! By the way, Casey Kotchman is still a thing at Razzball. Ha! You know he’s selling real estate somewhere, and his co-workers are like, “Yo, isn’t that the guy from Razzball’s glossary?”
Brandon Woodruff – Nailed down a Brewers rotation spot. His name is so close to what I want to name my next dog, Arfer Woofruff. Though I imagine Cougs will have a say in that. Ted’s still prolly got another ten years. *makes sign of cross* Any hoo! Woodruff throws 95 MPH, but that hasn’t exactly translated to strikeouts in the majors. He might be a velocitease, but there’s enough promise for NL-Only leagues right now.
Mike Napoli – Indians released Napoli, like his mom releases her nipples.
Mike Fiers – Will start year on the DL. As Martha Quinn would say, “Please, no tears for Fiers.”
Drew Pomeranz – Sounds like he will start the year on the DL. My guess is the Sawx will fill-in Pomeranz’s spot for a week or two with Brian Johnson, while filling in for domestic abuser, Steven Wright, with Hector Velazquez. Mean’s while, Sawx fans ponder the depth of their rotation with thoughts of Chris Sale going every third day.
Johan Camargo – Will open season on the DL. In his place, the Braves will let the river run through 3rd. The Rio Ruiz, that is.
Steven Souza – Diagnosed with a right pectoral strain. The pectoral strain is different than the pastoral strain, which affected Grandmother Moses earlier work when she was depicting sheepherders getting lap dances from sheep. A pectoral strain is likely a shorter rehab stint for Souza, than the original prognosis of a shoulder strain, but I’m still docking him a month of his projections. I moved him into the top 80 outfielders.
Yasmany Tomas – Optioned to the minors, even with the Souza injury. Crushing blow to Dave Stewart’s fantasy team. That team’s name, “I Think K-Rate Is Short For Karate.”
