Roughly three months ago, we were talking about the grave, man. Not Kendall, but the one where Luis Robert (2-for-5, 1 RBI) was placed with care next to Eloy Jimenez (2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 4th and 5th homer). Where Yermin Mercedes later joined him, then Yasmani Grandal, then Billy Hamilton, then Adam Eaton, but who cares about him. Really, the only ones not missing time for the White Sox has been the pitching staff. I just jinxed them, didn’t I? No, I haven’t because to offset my jinx, I took a cat-o-nine-tails and whipped my back 27 times, Lucas Giolito’s uniform number. Do I have to whip myself 33 times for Lance Lynn too? I’m not asking you, I’m asking the voodoo high priestess I am Zoom’ing with! The brutal truth is I didn’t have room for Luis Robert to sit on my IL for the last three months, and I dropped him. Well, that’s not the brutal part. The 88 lashes I’m being told to administer to myself for Robert’s uniform number is the brutal part. SOMEONE SAVE ME is what I scream into a Pringles can for later. You never scream an SOS into a can, then cap it in case you can’t scream later? Hmm, weird, must be me–Any hoo! I see Luis Robert as a top 30 bat again. Unlike, say, Chris Sale, hitters don’t need as much time to get up to speed, and if Robert’s healthy, I’m all-in. As for Eloy, well, he’s a top 20 bat. He homered twice on Sunday, followed that with a different song, same verse on Monday and, if he homers twice a game from now until October, I’ll prolly just mutter about how awful Cody Bellinger is and about how I dropped Eloy when he was supposedly out all year. Absolutely owning the day and the night, Grey Albright! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Tim Anderson – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, and 2nd homer in two games, and the White Sox are hot, you better bury your head below the incoming wrath, AL Central. Actually, strike that. I’ve seen you Burrows and it’s not pretty.

Lucas Giolito – 8 IP, 1 ER, 2 hits, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.81. With Josh Donaldson…Well, where is Josh Donaldson? Is he done for the year because the Twins are out of it? Any hoo! With the Twins looking just sad, Giolito took advantage, which I love. Don’t get good matchups if you can’t take advantage of them, that’s what I always say, and this might be the first time I’m saying it.

Yoan Moncada – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 10th homer. Good, great, adjective, but ya know what’s a little crazy? White Sox are almost entirely driven by their pitching, and are 21st in the league in homers, though better in average. Though, Part II: They Made Another One of Thoughs, what’s hilarious in its own way: The White Sox are 8th in the league in average, and hitting a walloping .249. Only two teams are hitting higher than .260 collectively!

Beau Burrows – 2 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 13.91. In Beau Burrows’s first start in the majors, he vomited on the mound. Last night, well, same.

Miguel Sano – 1-for-3 and his 19th homer, and his 2nd homer in two games, and after his 1st homer on Sunday, I said I wouldn’t be surprised if he hits a few homers this week. And that’s me paraphrasing me!

Clayton Kershaw – We haven’t had any news on Clayton Kershaw in a while, so you’re in luck! The Dodgers announced they were moving Kershaw to the 60-day IL.

Bobby Bradley – Hit the IL with a knee strain. Owen Miller will get more playing time, as he steps right off the pages of a John Irving novel.

Sam Hentges – 2 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 7.71. Fellas and five fell-for-fellas, it’s August 9th and most teams have at most three starters.

Jose Ramirez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 25th homer. No matter how many times I point out Jo-Ram does <emphasis>not</emphasis> suck with no one around him, people continue to ask if Juan Soto has lost all value.

Amed Rosario – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .277. It is so wild to me that Amed Rosario is the top performer this year out of all the guys in the Lindor/Amed and Gimenez trade. Also, I grabbed Amed about two weeks ago in my shallowest league, and have been riding him ever since.

Bradley Zimmer – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Hot schmotato alert!

Luis Castillo – 3 1/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 4.53. It’s perfect that he got housed by Wilson Ramos, who at least 98% of casual fans think retired. A chef’s kiss that is laced with arsenic, that is Luis Castillo.

Kwang-Hyun Kim – Hit the IL with elbow inflammation. Hey, Kim, Lose Yourself from my teams.

Jazz Chisholm – Hit the Covid IL one day after coming off the Covid IL. He needs to see if Dan Vogelbach or Miguel Sano can give him some of their antibodies.

Lewis Brinson – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .268, hitting .340 in the last 15 games with three homers. Have you heard the drama about Brinson and the Rockies? The quick recap is there was a word screamed by a fan, and everyone thought he was saying, well, a word that reminds me of Michael Richards meltdown on a comedy stage, but it turns out the fan was saying, “Dinger” as he screamed for the Rockies mascot. Now, after much deliberation, the Rockies decided to change their mascot’s name Dinger to the far-less-controversial, Nutsi. In a PR/Media Relations release, they said, “The Rockies hope everyone can scream Nutsi’s name for years to come, and ask if you’re doing the wave, please raise both hands while screaming Nutsi.”

Zach Thompson – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.09. That Thompson who had a 1.93 ERA after six weeks in the majors? He never really existed.

Joe Musgrove – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.81. There’s stats to back up Musgrove is a top 15 starter now, and will be for next year. I think I’m buying those stats too.

Eric Hosmer – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. Hosmer’s a good example of “spending $500 million by a major league team doesn’t make the coaches smarter.” It’s so obvious Hosmer lost all the gains he made last year with his Launch Angle, but no one is obviously smart enough to fix it.

Jameson Taillon – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.82. Streamonator doesn’t like his next start and it’s in Chicago vs. the White Sox, and you want some of Eloy’s smoke? You crazy.

Gleyber Torres – Hit the IL with a sprained thumb, and might miss up to 20 days. Filling in will be Tyler Wade, which is just sad. Tyler Wade is like a weed the Yanks can’t get rid of. Like Billy Martin, but sober and alive. But even Billy Martin won a couple World Serieses, and Tyler Wade had a decent game yesterday (2-for-3, 3 runs and his 8th steal).

DJ LeMahieu – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI as he fell in the order to the five hole. I don’t like LeMahieu, told you to sell him, but — and this is a soft, whispered but — the Yanks’ other option at leadoff is Brett Gardner. Ow! Eye roll headache.

Luke Voit – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. If you would’ve taken the under on Luke Voit having less than five homers by August 9th, what kind of odds could you have gotten? 10,000 to 1? On the bright side, he led the majors in homers last year, and he had exactly four homers by this point.

Carlos Hernandez – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.11. Said something the other day about the Yanks’ lineup being good, but that really is just on paper, huh? Yanks’ lineup is like mix-matched Russian nesting dolls at a garage sale. Instead of them all fitting together, they have three tall pieces and no pieces to go inside that are complementary, so all the pieces lay next to each other or are jammed together and break.

Richard Lovelady – 1 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 5.40. Must’ve been a super quick convo when they had to explain the birds and the bees to Dick Lovelady.