Luis Arraez has three 5-hit nights this month, including last night. He’s batting .400 on the dot. Speaking of dots, there’s a laser dot on Ted Williams’s forehead, slowly heating him up so he can go around to stadiums in the 2nd half of the season for Arraez’s chase to hit .400. “If you blind me with that laser before you warm me up, you will see why sportswriters called me ‘ornery.'” That’s Ted Williams’s Frozen Head. Luis is a powerhouse at batting average. That’s it. He’s around the 70th best player on the Player Rater. To give you an idea for fantasy, Jorge Soler (1-for-4, 3 RBIs) who hit his 21st homer last night, is in the top 30s on the Rater. Ted Williams was the Splendid Splinter; call Luis Arraez the Splenda Splinter, because it’s sweet, but leaves you feeling kinda empty. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Alejandro Kirk – Hit the IL with a laceration on his hand. Does he need a finger? Because I have a finger for him.
Jose Berrios – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.64. Was not me wishing regression on Berrios! No way! *hides devilish grin, tiptoes out of room, dodges last-minute tomato* After a moment, sticks head back in room, suckers! *tomato hits face*
Anthony Rendon – Hit the IL with a wrist contusion. If I were less lazy or just in a more ornery mood, I’d go back and pull quotes from people talking about drafting and hyping up Anthony Rendon in the preseason. “He’s having a great spring!” Yeah, enjoy.
Reese Olson – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 5.59. Streamonator was actually a little bit positive on Olson yesterday, which is shocking to me. It doesn’t like his next, for what it’s Cronenworth.
Alex Lange – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.99, and his 11th save. Perfect. Just let me take a picture of that Lange save, and tape it to my computer screen next to where I have Jason Foley. Though, Foley did just throw two innings, so maybe he was rested. I don’t think this is as clear as I might’ve thought yesterday.
Kerry Carpenter – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in the last two days. Gonna say hot schmotato with a chance for more meatballs.
Bobby Witt Jr. – 2-for-3 and a slam (12) and legs (22). If he goes 25/40, and I can still convince you he was overrated coming into the year, props to me!
Maikel Garcia – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. If I was monocle’ing this guy any harder, I’d be a German in Hogan’s Heroes. A very new and hip reference!
Josh Rojas – Sent down to Triple-A Reno, where he will learn how to hit or pit boss.
Alek Thomas – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, as he was recalled from the minors. He was doing exactly what he’s always done in the minors (3/2/.348 in 26 games), but can he do it in the majors? Yes? Great, but, crap, I can’t believe I wasted a genie wish on that. Could see grabbing Thomas in 12-team mixed leagues and deeper. He has a solid speed and power combo.
Corbin Carroll – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 16th homer. I could hear my scream from the future where I drafted Corbin in the 1st round and he’s going through a sophomore slump. Damn it!
Corbin Burnes – 5 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.96. If that start were hot fudge, I’d be covered in it with carpet lint stuck to me.
Yainer Diaz – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, as he continues to DH in Yordan’s absence. Bit overdue to talk about him since he has catcher eligibility. He is the stereotypical Astros player — solid power, and great contact. He’s hitting .275, but it’s fairly neutral, which means he could hit .290 or better with a little luck.
Francisco Lindor – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 14th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. You might think it’s crazy to say Sell a guy who is finally hitting, and it is, if you don’t get enough in the trade, but now’s the time to look, as the video at the top of the page says (minus the Alonso note).
Daniel Vogelbach – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in four games. Hot schmotato alert!
Max Scherzer – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.04. Finally.
Juan Soto – 2-for-4 and his 12th and 13th homer. Sexy Dr. Pepper going pop-pop for the first time since June 4th of last year. He followed that with three homers in the next month and has he been hot since 2021? No. I’m answering myself.
Michael Wacha – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, zero Ks, ERA at 2.90. Oh no, zero strikeouts? Regression can’t be far behind. Please, let me have one pitcher that is supremely lucky all year. It’s all I ask. That and a million dollars.
Mike Yastrzemski – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 9th and 10th homer. Carl’s Jr. Jr. never hits one homer. Okay, maybe he does, but he usually follows one homer with another homer the next day or so. Now, does he hit yet another? (Eventually.) The plot thickens!
Josh Jung – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 15th homer. Is it time for him to get hot again already? Feel like he was just hot about ten games ago.
Andrew Heaney – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.98. After the game, Heaney hung his head, and didn’t take questions from reporters. It was rumored he was mad that his ERA was finally under 4, because he knew that would give even more unnecessary hope to his fantasy owners.
Luis Robert Jr. – 2-for-3 and his 18th homer and his 3rd homer in the last week. Trying to remember which guy is a Jr. and which guy isn’t is exhausting. How about if you’re adult enough to play in the majors, you abandon the Jr.? We get it, you have a dad with the same name. Only times we allow it is when they’re both playing in the majors at the same time. The Ken Griffey Exception.
Andrew Vaughn – 2-for-5 and his 10th homer. You ever have a guy who is so boring that you bench him, he homers and you still don’t care? That’s Vaughn for me.
Joey Votto – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs as he returned from the IL. Could Votto become a Zombino? Absolutely. There’s plenty of brain custard out there. Is he based off one game? No.
Nick Senzel – 1-for-2 and his 5th homer. Mean’s while, CES is in a tree costume, and watched from the parking lot.
Elias Diaz – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .291. Elias Diaz has been a lot more valuable than you think. There’s no award for that, because it takes measuring how much you think, and we stopped doing that when you drafted Corbin Burnes in the 1st round.
Drew Smyly – 5 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners (5 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 3.38. Not going to do a B & M sesh, but if one of my pitchers walked five guys in five innings it would’ve been a 7 ER drubbing. Guess you just need a good attitude, huh, Smyly?
Osvaldo Bido – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.60. He looked great again, and I’m starting to get intrigued, but the Streamonator hates is next one and it’s vs. the Marlins, who could exploit his inability to throw strikes.
James Paxton – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.29. Paxton keeps appearing in a series of SPs in the comments where he does not belong. It’s like, “Paxton, Jack Flaherty, JoMo, Detmers, or Snoopy. Pick one.” Then five minutes later, “Sorry, Snoopy is an autocorrect for Skubal.”
Triston Casas – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .215, but is hitting close to .265 since May 1st. Mi Casas su Casas, ya know?
Pablo Lopez – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.40. Pab-Lo’s been much better than his ERA. Does that mean Buy? It does.
Lance Lynn – Went to the bereavement list. He’ll be attending the funeral of all my fantasy teams he killed.
Jack Flaherty – 6 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.95 vs. Josiah Gray – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.64. One guy was the winner and one guy was the loser, but the real loser was the person who rostered both of these guys. Streamonator hates Josiah’s next, and I agree, especially after this freakin’ disaster. Someone call FEMA for my fantasy teams.
Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .289. Au Shizz!
Brendan Donovan – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .267. If my initials were BD, I’d say my middle name were anything with an F.
Jordan Hicks – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 4.02, and his 3rd save, and 3rd in as many games. Why does it feel a little like Oli Marmol is throwing Hicks until he blows a game just so he can say, “See, I told ya, he’s not great?” You don’t think Marmol is that devious? Oli Marmol literally erased Tyler O’Neill from existence. You’re thinking right now you went to high school with a Tyler O’Neill and that’s how you know the name. Totally forgetting he played baseball.
Lars Nootbaar – 0-for-4, 1 run, as he hit third, as he was activated from the IL. To honor the return of Nootbaar, I put on suspenders with shorts and introduced myself to strangers as the heir to the Toblerone fortune, Nougat Nootbaar.