Let’s start with a little image I found on the interwebs:

Huh, weird. 4,030,000 results but Google knows which one to feature. And some of y’all say AI is bad. AI, tell me why people are against AI. “They’re not, Grey. Everyone loves AI.” Oh, okay, cool! Joe Ryan (9 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.98) wasn’t necessarily an unpopular call by me. He still had an ADP of 144 at the time I published my post, and drafted as late as 216th overall. Did I move the market on him? I like to think so, but even if he moved up to 80 overall, Sandy Alcantara was going at 25th overall, so was there value still to be had on Joe Ryan? Yeah, I like to think there was. Is this entire lede just me patting myself on the back? You’ll get over your scoffing and allow me one occasionally! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Dallas Keuchel – Signed a minor league deal with Minnesota. His luggage might get lost.

Carlos Correa – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer. Car-Cor to make the brothers act fools, EPMD.

Byron Buxton – 2-for-4, and his 12th and 13th homer, and three homers in the last three games. When he homered the other day, I nearly said something about how disappointing he’s been, but I knew he was about to get hot for a week to ten days until he was hurt again.

Brandon Walter – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, as he debuted for the Red Sox, following an Opener. B. Walter should’ve followed Hugh Down. Oh, well, 20/20 hindsight. His debut was the longest by a Red Sox starter since Ed-Rod in 2015. Threw three walks, gave up one homer (Buxton’s) and no Ks. So, let’s dig in and see what we find! Meh. Kinda whatever. Oh, you want me to tell you? Okay, Itch said previously, “He’s deploying three plus pitches right now with his fastball, slider and changeup, and he’s able to command all three,” but he even knew that was a 25-year-old in Double-A. This year in Triple-A, he had a 6.28 ERA and a 9.3 K/9 and 3.8 BB/9. If I were Walter, I’d learn Korean.

Ketel Marte – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer. I think Ketel Marte is the litmus test on whether or not MLB is using a juiced ball. If Ketel’s hitting homers, Capri Sun up in this beeyatch, the ball is juiced.

Scott McGough – 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.50, and his 5th save. Maybe I’m misremembering but this feels like the first time the DBacks have committed to a closer. Chafin, healthy, pitched the 8th, for what it’s Cronenworth. McGough will be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but he’s here now, and you know what to do.

Tommy Henry – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.31. Tom Hank’s says there’s no crying in fantasy baseball, so I can’t over rostering Lance Lynn and not Tom Hank. Streamonator hates his next, and I agree.

Lane Thomas – 2-for-4 and his 12th homer, hitting .293. Almost put him in this afternoon’s Buy column, but he’s was only rostered in under 50% of leagues at ESPN, and I don’t trust them, so I left Thomas off. He should just be rostered everywhere by now.

Alex Wood – 3 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.17. Sure glad I got him back in my lineup for that. More like Alex “Mom Walking In On You In The Bathroom Asking You Why You’ve Been In There For 30 Minutes.” That Wood’s gonna scar!

Gary Sanchez – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. Power is still there, but he’s headed to hitting .160 again.

Manny Machado – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. Macho, macho Manny!

Ha-Seong Kim – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 6th homer. Kim is Him! (I don’t know what that means but I saw kids saying it.)

Blake Snell – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.22. Became only the 2nd pitcher to strikeout 11+ in three straight outings for the Padres. The other being Jake Peavy, the year he won the Cy Young. Info provided by someone on Twitter. More Twitter info: He joins four other pitchers in history with three hits or fewer in 3 straight games with 11 Ks: 2017 Kluber, 2009 Lester, 2004 Johan and 1976 Nolan. His walks are still too high, but everything else looks normal for him. He’s a career 3.42 ERA pitcher, and that’s what he looks like right now.

Domingo German – 3 1/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 5.10. Okay, who was it really hurting by letting him cheat? Wasn’t hurting me where I had him in leagues. Can we let him cheat again? I’m asking for my fantasy teams.

Ty France – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 7th homer. Also, in this game, Kolten Wong (2-for-3) homered. France & Wong was also what the roadies called the 80s comedy tour of Jerry Lewis and Milton Berle.

Cal Raleigh – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 10th homer. Watch out, J. Lo, we have a new sexpot in the Bronx known for their ass!

Teoscar Hernandez – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .254. Feels like a guy who would hit 50 homers in Yankee Stadium. Can we work out a trade?

Braxton Garrett – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 13 Ks, ERA at 3.64. Oh my. Did Braxton Garrett have his star mitzvah and not invite me? He has the best xFIP in baseball. His K/9 and BB/9 are 10.6 and 1.6. Those aren’t good numbers, those are ace numbers. Braxton Garrett should not throw more than 50-60 IP this year, which might interfere with him being a top 20 starter overall, but his numbers aren’t far off from there as they currently sit. Daddy loves.

Garrett Cooper – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. Wait a second…Braxton Garrett…John C. Reilly goofy head turn…Garrett Cooper…Oh my God! Get Garrett Whitlock and Stone Garrett right now! So, Garrett Cooper’s done nothing recently, but when he hits one, he usually follows it with more.

Mitch Keller – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.45 or “She” on a calculator upside down. Keller already had his star mitzvah this year, then he got briefly derailed, but he looks like he’s back on track.

Henry Davis – 1-for-2 and his 1st homer, which is great, and that he was subbed out for defense feels a bit like we’re overthinking. It’s game 74 and the Pirates are in 4th place in the Central. Let’s find some perspective here.

Ke’Bryan Hayes – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .259, and leadoff, all year. Isn’t that a bigger issue than Henry Davis’s defense for two innings? Also, in the biggest moment of the game, you then have Jason Delay hitting in Davis’s spot. If you’re trying to maximize win potential, by maximizing defense, cute, but if you were truly worried about winning every game, why wasn’t Henry Davis in the majors for the 1st 70 games of the season?

Marcell Ozuna – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. Disappeared for about two weeks, but now that he’s homered again, I wouldn’t be shocked to see him get hot again.

Bryce Elder – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.40. Is there somewhere I can bet his ERA will be over 4.50 next year? I’ll take any odds. I’ll put down $500 to win one dollar. This is Grey’s Lock of the Century!

Aaron Nola – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.38. A decent game from my ace? Wow, what an unexpected surprise! Now he can go out and give up five earned next time out.

JP Sears – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.10. Not bad for a big empty store by the food court. Streamonator likes his next one, and I could see the stream.

Logan Allen – 4 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.68. He was not economical at all with his pitches, i.e., Logan getting around hitters worse than it is getting around Logan Airport. Bam! Hashtag nailed it!

Josh Bell – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer. His homer was an absolute bomb that is hilarious (if you’re a big baseball nerd). His uppercut swing on that homer is so dramatically convoluted uppercutty it’s basically Goofy standing at Disney’s gates rolling his index finger around his head, indicating it’s crazy. Why is that hilarious? Because he’s a 53% ground ball rate guy! He’s terrible with ground balls. Do you know how awful your contact has to be to swing that much for the fences while hitting everything into the ground? Doesn’t play for Philly, but that Bell is cracked.

Austin Cox – 3 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 0.00. He set the record for most batters faced without allowing a hit to begin his career (since 1961). 39 batters faced before allowing a hit! Good crew, Cox!

Drew Waters – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and a slam (2) and legs (1). Drew Barrymore is….Like Waters for Chocolate. The story of Drew Waters, an outfielder who is milquetoast enough that he’s easy to ignore. Will he find love? (No.) Memories that make include “thinking you kinda liked him in the preseason.” (Yes.)

Shane McClanahan – Was removed from the game with back tightness. His 4-seamer was down to 93 MPH. Oh…*goes over Niagara in a barrel*….kay.

Maikel Garcia – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI and three steals (8, 9, 10), as he hit leadoff. Absolutely will be in this afternoon’s Buy column.

Wander Franco – Was benched yesterday for “not being a better teammate.” He might be out for a few days for not being a good teammate. Did Josh Lowe ask for toilet paper while he was in the john and Wander was like, “Nah, bro, that’s on you on how you prepare for your doody-doing?” What the hell does this even mean? Not a good teammate? Were his butt-patts not hearty enough? Let my man Wander play!