The rain cooperated to let Derek Jeter play his final game at Yankee Stadium. Thank God, the Yankees needed the tarp for Suzyn Waldman. The Yankees presented Jeter with a replica of the Yankee Stadium on-deck circle. He is going to put it outside his house and instead of pine tar rags and donuts there will be lingerie and gift baskets. I don’t really care for his final lap around Fenway. I do agree with Olbermann that I think he should have bowed out of playing in Fenway. With that said (reversal time!), sometimes stars get grooved pitches on their final retirement jaunt. I grabbed Jeter two days ago in my leagues just in case that happens, and so far, so good. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Hiroki Kuroda – 8 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks, ending his ERA at 3.71. This could be the final start of his career. Yeah, but what about Captain Jetes?!
Alejandro De Aza – 2-for-4 and his 8th homer. Hasn’t done a whole lot in the last week, so hard for me to get excited about Doing The Alejandrop, at least not as excited as about the Shmoney Dance.
Kevin Gausman – 5 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks. I watched Gausman pitch yesterday because the media bombardment with Jeter was too much for me to fight, and I have to say, Gausman should not be hit by anyone. I wonder if his fastball is just too flat at times or he needs to work out of the zone more. He’s gonna be an interesting guy for next year. I’m intrigued, y’all!
Steve Pearce – 1-for-4 and his 21st homer. Does he ever stop? Did you ever think I’d say that about Steve Effin’ Pearce?
David Wright – Has ligament damage in his shoulder. He’s going to test his shoulder by hitting in November and if it doesn’t respond favorably, he’ll need surgery and the start of his season will be in jeopardy, baby, oooh, oooh. I was singing that like Weird Al, not The Greg Kihn Band. You know what’s sad? Sean Penn not being able to personally choo-choo train feed every Somalian. What’s not sad? The end of David Wright’s career, which is what this sounds like. I’m not joking. A guy who was lucky to get 18 homers healthy now has a wonky shoulder and about to turn 32 years old? I could prolly find about 10 other 3rd basemen to draft prior to Wright if he does not get the surgery. If he does get the surgery? Then I wouldn’t be surprised if we don’t see him until June and he hits less than ten homers again next year. This cold, matter-of-fact breakdown is not entirely due to him dissing Cougars last year. Well, maybe a little.
Wilmer Flores – 3-for-7, 2 runs, 1 RBI. He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy column. The last one of the year. What an em-effin’ doozy!
Travis d’Arnaud – Being examined Friday for elbow soreness and general fatigue. Or maybe that’s being examined by General Fatigue. Great doctor, yawns a lot though.
Dillon Gee – 5 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ending the year with a 4.00 ERA. What’s the easiest way to convey boredom? By saying Gee.
Zack Wheeler – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ending the year with a 3.54 ERA. Well, he’ll be another wild card next year, after having a sub-3 ERA in the 2nd half with more than one K per inning. In theory, I like the idea of Wheeler. We’ll have to see how January Grey likes Wheeler in reality.
Matt den Dekker – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 run. Maybe for my batty call yesterday I should’ve went with the Ikea space saver in den Dekker rather than the living room set in Nieuwenhuis.
Gio Gonzalez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 12 Ks, ending the year with a 3.57. Nice way to go out, unless he tops that in the playoffs. Um, yeah, nice way to go out.
Yovani Gallardo – 5 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA ends at 3.51. It takes a special kind of pitcher to have a decent season ERA, yet still induce hatred.
Matt Garza – Announced he’s finished for the year after the Brewers were eliminated. This offseason he’ll work with his barber on his chin hairs for some long-overdue quieting of an irritated area near the Garza Strip.
Rickie Weeks – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 8th homer. Gonna be some interesting conversations at Thanksgiving dinner with Rickie and Jemile. “So, what did you do this summer?” “Nothing. You?” “Nothing. Please pass the rutabaga.”
Brandon Phillips – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. He hit leadoff with Hamilton shooting the bull with The Concusstador. Phillips has been hot garbage in your Ford Explorer’s glove compartment that is parked on the surface of the sun, but if he’s available in your league, I could see giving him the weekend whirl.
Jay Bruce – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI. Yeah, good try, but you still suck. Goodbye.
Miguel Cabrera – 1-for-4 and his 24th homer. Uh-oh, Miggy’s putting the heat on in the random contest of “Who will have a better average and more homers?” between him and J.D.
Victor Martinez – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 32nd homer. V-Mart sees your random contest between J.D. and Miggy and pffts. And that pfft’ing causes his bottom lip to fall off because he’s The Mummy.
Rajai Davis – 2-for-3, 1 RBI and his 36th steal and third game in a row with a steal. The King of SAGNOF may only wear a crown that he got from Burger King, but he is legit royalty.
Odrisamer Despaigne – Shut down for the year. Good, will give Idriselba Despaigne more time to do another season of Luther. Get busy!
Will Venable – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Member when we were like, “Venable’s a sneaky fourth outfielder option!” You don’t remember? Good, that’s for the best.
Andrew Cashner – 5 IP, 6 ER, ending ERA at 2.55. His home ERA was 1.43; away ERA was 4.31. Phil Hughes didn’t want to pitch a third of an inning out of the bullpen this weekend and risk injury, thus costing himself a $500,000 bonus. Cashner should be that responsible and turn down plane tickets for road games.
Brandon Belt – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. That’s nice, but I don’t know if he’s fully up to speed or going to start every game this weekend, so I’d leave Belt alone. It doesn’t fit right anyway if you need to make a new notch with a hole puncher.
Brandon Crawford – 1-for-3 and his 10th homer. Guess how much he’s hitting in the month of September? .397. Yup, you should own him.
Travis Snider – 3-for-4 and his 13th homer and 2nd in his last three games. Hot schmotato alert!
Edinson Volquez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.04. Lucky this isn’t the late-1600s or Ray Searage would’ve been burned for being a witch.
Josh Willingham – The Other White Meat might retire at the end of this year. I look forward to Willingham randomly showing up on Survivor in ten years.
Eric Hosmer – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. Nice, he finally has more than half the number of homers as Bumgarner. Kill me for drafting him.
Lorenzo Cain – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI. But, prior to killing me, let me just pick up Cain…Sugar so I can know what it feels like to have something wonderful.
James Shields – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. Jose Quintana (7 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 7 Ks). This matchup was billed as “You Might Not Be Excited To Own Them, But You Did Well To Own Them Until Yesterday When They Were Kinda Bleh.” A mouthful, but a really apt billing.
David Buchanan – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 0 Ks. In the box score, it said “Buchanan, Bastardo,” and I say, give them a DNA test, they could be Jefferson’s kids.
Ben Revere – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 48th steal. Crazy that between a day-night doubleheader in Washington he also played in Miami. I fully expect Denard Span and Ben Revere to practice the mirror scene from Duck Soup all offseason.
Tom Koehler – 7 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ending the year with a 3.81 ERA. I’ve said this before, but Koehler’s exactly the kind of starter that goes for a $1 in NL-Only leagues, but really isn’t that bad (or that good).
Casey McGehee – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs, which is not an abbreviation of Ron Ben-Israel. I should’ve mentioned that sooner in the year.
Mike Zunino – 1-for-4 and his 22nd homer. El Zunino’s going to be a guy that is on my radars next year as a late-round flyer. Not that long ago he was a good bet for a .270+ average. Whether that ever comes to fruition after the Mariners rushed him to the majors is unclear like your teenage face, but definitely gonna be worth it to find out.
Logan Morrison – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs with two homers (10, 11), and his 3rd homer in the last week, while batting near-.350. Look at Logan Morrison doing something worthy of a hashtag. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but that’s because he’s here now. If you need power, grab him.
Brandon Moss – 0-for-2, 1 run. Will need hip surgery in the offseason. You would think that hip problems would only pop up with players on the other side of the bay, where everyone is hippy chic. Moss admitted to it bothering him all 2nd half and that could explain his horrendous numbers. A bemoaning Brandon apparently does gather Moss.
Jason Hammel – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ending up with a 3.47 ERA. Something tells me he’s going to be a 5th or 6th starter on the Yanks next year. After this year, the Yankees will be spending a trillion dollars on their pitching staff and will get Samardzija just to attache a frickin’ laser to his head.
Colby Lewis – 7 IP, 1 ER, 11 baserunners, 7 Ks, lowering his ERA to 5.18. If this were 1998, his ERA would be 24.35. I did the math.
Jeremy Hellickson – 2 1/3 IP, 6 ER. Go to Hell Boy.
Christian Vazquez – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Defense first catcher, so unless you’re in an IDP league, not much here. Look at Grey dropping a fantasy football something-something that he doesn’t fully understand!
Mookie Betts – 3-for-5, 1 runs, 1 RBI, hitting over .300 in the last week. You like him? Then don’t be bashful, get some Mookie nookie.
David Ortiz – Dealing with wrist inflammation and could be done for the year. Could someone please boink anyone on the head that says H2H playoffs better represent real baseball than roto? It doesn’t because in real baseball players play through their injuries in the real playoffs to try to help real teams win. In your H2H playoffs, you’re stuck with a bunch of stars that are resting at the end of the year, while you hope Freddy Galvis does something. In roto, the cream has a full season to rise to the top, like with real baseball. Yes, the Fantasy Master Lothario prefers the missionary position.
Mike Napoli – Done for the year. That reminds me of an idea I had, ESPN should get Werner Herzog to do a 30 for 30 short film about Napoli’s Mom. “I don’t see Mother Napoli as an erotic maiden, but as a devil mermaid that enraptures men with the areolas of a chocolate volcano.”