Yesterday, the Astros had a scare when Jose Altuve was hit hard on the hand by a pitch and he immediately left the game. Because of the nature of Altuve’s hand, a broken bone would’ve been devastating. You know those tiny boats that people use tweezers to put into little bottles? Those people are called tinyshoremen. Tinyshoremen are the only ones capable of working on a hand as petite as Altuve’s. Finding a doctor who is also a tinyshoreman? Good luck with that! Thankfully, X-rays came back negative and he’s day-to-day. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Mark Trumbo – Diamondbacks announced he’s at least three weeks away, assuming no setbacks. He deserves to have 50 Cent steal his chain. In all the time I’ve been following Trumbo’s exploits, I don’t remember him ever using his feet. Take a Barcalounger to the plate, recline it forward and swing the bat! You were supposed to be my 1st baseman in two deep leagues, and I got nothing without you! Was that the voicemail’s beep? Or am I writing this and not leaving it as a voicemail for Trumbo? Crap.
David Peralta – 3-for-4, 1 run. He’s a herbathrowdite that is playing nearly every day in left field while Trumbo and Pollock mend their broken parts. Peralta probably won’t start vs. lefties, and he doesn’t do anything really well, but a little of everything just okay. He is batting .372 in the week-plus since his call-up, so hot schmotato that.
Chris Owings – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, but hitting pretty miserably for average in the last week. He looks like he’s going to get to 14/14 on the year, which would mean…Hello, 2015 sleeper!
Jonathan Singleton – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Gon Homerton!
Chris Carter – 1-for-5 and his 13th homer and 3rd in two games. It took until extra innings, but my batty call for a homer worked. Thank you, Hurry K’d Carter, now get off my team before you go oh for your next twenty.
Jesus Montero – Recalled from the minors to play some 1B and DH while Justin Smoak is out. Montero had 8 homers and a .270 average in Triple-A, which comes out to around 4 homers and .215 average in the major leagues, so if you find yourself saying ‘Jesus, my team is bad’ and you want it to have multiple meanings, there ya go.
Michael Saunders – Hit the DL with a shoulder injury. Tough break since he was really starting to pick things up. Like toilet paper from the store and other nonsense I’m now being told to pick up while I’m out cruising around because my wife won’t leave me alone! What I’ve learned about married life is you can’t ever ask your wife where she’s going or where she’s been because chances are she’s told you already and this will only trigger, “You never listen to me.” Your main goal in life is to avoid ever hearing “You never listen to me,” while never actually listening to her.
Roenis Elias – 3 1/3 IP, 6 ER. Elias Sports Bureau said we are not related to this guy at all.
Chase Whitley – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners (0 walks), 6 Ks, ERA down to 2.41. Okay, it’s time to take another look at him. All right, I’m back! Miss me? Oh, you want me to relay what I just saw? Pretty yawnstipating K-rate and insanely good control — under 1 walk per nine. I’d still look at him as a streamer and he gets the I-don’t-know-what-to-make-of-them Blue Jays next time and I wouldn’t risk it in most mixed leagues.
Jacoby Ellsbury – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Well, Yankee Stadium is paying off for his power! Oh, this was in Safeco. He left with a tight hip late in the game after slamming into the outfield wall. He’s day-to-day, and should avoid being D’Ellsburied.
Charlie Blackmon – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer. Guess he didn’t like my disparaging comments yesterday. Shows you that you don’t mess with an angry Blackmon.
Corey Dickerson – 2-for-3, 1 run. A commenter pointed out a good point on Dickerson, his road OPS is 1.070 and he’s batting .321 with 5 homers in 56 at-bats. My pants called, they want a new inseam!
B.J. Upton – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Nothing sweeter than a BJ for the batty call.
Ervin Santana – 6 1/3 IP, 6 ER. Good thing I was too chicken to start him in Coors. The French call that coq Ervin.
Matt Adams – Expected to be activated today, so Oscar Taveras better start washing Matheny’s Buick sedan in a hurry.
Gerrit Cole – Threw a bullpen session on Thursday and said he felt grrrrrrrreat! But he’s also trying to land a cereal commercial.
Russell Martin – 2-for-4, 1 RBI and his 3rd steal and 2nd in as many games. Damn, he’s running like he suddenly has crabs. Alyssa from Los Angeles is on the line for Dr. Drew.
Edinson Volquez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks. Ah, I see, now you’re just saying we’re gullible? Not cool, Edinson!
Jeff Samardzija – 6 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 7 Ks. Doesn’t his last name sound like when someone says something they don’t want you to hear so they cover their mouth? With that in mind, I’m covering my mouth as I say he’s allowed 14 runs in the 16 innings since I told you to sell him.
Colby Rasmus – No, wait, let me guess! Is he nearing rehab games? He’s been nearing them for a week and half now. Someone call this guy Uber!
Mark Buehrle – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, raising his ERA to 2.28. Incredibly, this was his worst start of the year. What I’d like to know, who sells their soul to the devil, but tells the devil that he only wants to pitch like Cy Young until June 11th?
Kevin Gausman – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.71 vs. the Doug Ault-led Blue Jays. This Gausman start was pretty streamish, but he is better than a start like this. Listen to me, I sound like his mother. Kevin’s a good boy! He throws regularly 96 MPH. That’s a guy who should be knocking down eight Ks a game, at least. Still like him a lot, and would hold if you have the room.
Delmon Young – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Member when he was the Oscar Taveras of his day? Ah, good times.
Brandon Phillips – Left yesterday’s game with a sore finger. “Quick, check it for octopuses!” That’s CarGo reading Razzball.
Alfredo Simon – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. He’s beating hitters this year better than he’s beating murder charges.
Todd Frazier – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. Been outstanding this year in what has been a pretty terrible year for 3rd basemen so far. Only three players on our Player Rater have given more than $20 in value: Josh Donaldson, Miguel Cabrera and Frazier. Not really that many have even given $10 worth. Meaning if you spent more than $15 in your auction on a 3rd baseman, you almost surely lost value.
Hanley Ramirez – Out still with shoulder issues and may not be ready today. Can’t believe Hanley, the guy that made percentages rethink things because he always gives 110%, isn’t fighting harder to get on the field.
Zack Greinke – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks. Greinke got the quick hook yesterday because he came up to bat with a man on 1st and 3rd with two outs. Mattingly frantically tried to call Joe Torre to ask him what to do, but Paul Sorvino picked up the phone (they were slicing garlic for lunch) and said that Joe was busy and to figure it out himself. Mattingly then went to stroke his mustache for confidence, felt a bare upper lip and freaked out.
Tim Hudson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, lowering his ERA to 1.81. Dare I say it, but his peripherals look downright Greg Maddux-like. A Hudson hasn’t seen such a surge in value since Eddie Murphy passed on a role in Ghostbusters. Better still! Since Kate Hudson dropped out of Goldie’s vagina.
Jean Machi – 1 IP, 0 ER, his ERA is down to 0.31, but his WHIP went up to 0.76. Jean Claude Van Damme’s got some competition for the most masculine guy with the name Jean. Not to mention, Machi is short for Machismo.
Michael Morse – 3-for-4, 2 runs, hitting .287 as he keeps bebop-dot-dot-slashing along. I wonder when the bottom will drop out. I’m guessing around 17 homers and he’s at 13. Not at all saying that because I don’t own him and I’m trying to jinx him. Not at all.
Brandon Crawford – 2-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI. I debated putting him in this afternoon’s Buy column, but I figured one mention of him and how he’s hitting over .400 in the last week was enough. He’s no Justin Turner, I’ll tell ya that!
Emilio Bonifacio – Left yesterday’s game with a rib cage injury. Guess that’s deciding it for me between Bonifacio and Rutledge. Wish Rutledge was headed for a home stand. Oh, well, gotta fight the good fight as fighters say. Sayonara, Emily Boneface, which is also the title for my Young Adult novel.
Curtis Granderson – Missed yesterday with a sore calf, which is an Italian anagram for al fresco because they overmilk their calves.
Jon Niese – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks. Probably a streamer in most leagues, which I ain’t hatin’, I’m libertain’. But to play devil’s advocate — hooah! — he has a 1.13 WHIP, 2.54 ERA and hasn’t even been that bad in Ks. With that said (reversal time!), the Stream-o-Nator doesn’t like his next start and I agree.
Jenrry Mejia – Left yesterday’s game with lower back stiffness. That answers my question. See, I always wondered if people who lived with zero gravity had back pain. You know, because Mejia is always moonwalking. Jeurys Familia would probably fill-in for Mejia if he needs to miss extended time, but it sounds like a day-to-day issue. (That doesn’t mean I didn’t add Familia where he was available.)
Aramis Ramirez – 3-for-5 and his 7th homer. When your woman demands the strongest musk, won’t you try Aramis? Damn, I could write copy! Let’s try another, do you know where your child is? Well, maybe Christian Yelich knows, he’s 14 years old. Hmm, not as snappy.
Jean Segura – 2-for-6 and his 13th steal, batting in the eight hole, as Rickie Weeks hit leadoff (0-for-5, 1 RBI). I just wrote that because I like to get my blood pressure up. Let’s move on.
Kyle Lohse – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA down to 3.00. Deserved to win, but a costly error put a runner on third and Bobby Abreu scored him on a sac fly. Fun fact! In Africa, a sac fly means something totally different, and can be very dangerous.
Max Scherzer – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.05. He’s pitching essentially the same as last year when he ended the year with 240 Ks and a 2.90 ERA. Verlander might think about wearing one colored contact. It might make all the difference.
Victor Martinez – 1-for-4 and his 16th homer, hitting .329. For those of you with a photographic memory, this is old news, but I drafted V-Mart on one team — my AL-Only team. The team where I spent more on Brad Miller than any other player. That team is in 2nd place within striking distance. I don’t say this to say how great I am. I say this to prove that William Goldman’s adage about no one knowing anything holds true for fantasy too. All I knew was I wanted players with secure jobs and hope for the best. My Tout Wars team is the exact opposite scenario. I had Prince Fielder, Jedd Gyorko, Alex Wood, Alex Cobb, Avisail Garcia, Jim Johnson, Wieters, Hosmer, Taijuan, Arenado, Cingrani and just about everyone that has bombed or injured. It happens. Don’t say that last sentence in a library, by the way.
Chris Sale – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 1.97. You know a guy is pitching well when I have no idea if his ERA went up or down after seven innings of one-run ball. It went down, for you completists.
Brock Holt – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs. He’s hitting .336 after a month of games. What are you waiting for to pick him up? You waiting for a Facebook invite that is sent out to 700 people that everyone comments on and you get non-stop notifications until your phone battery dies?
Daniel Nava – 3-for-4, but hitting .192 and not even starting every day. Like a prudish Native American girl, that’s a Nava no.
Jon Lester – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks. ERA is only at 3.33, but his peripherals are still prettttttay, prettttttay good — 9.7 K/9, 2.4 BB/9. Due to the ERA and 7-7 record, I wouldn’t be surprised if you could acquire him a tad cheaper than some other pitchers. By the by, Tad Cheaper sounds like a comic book character that is a WASPy Jew.
Josh Tomlin – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks, raising his ERA to 3.33. Must’ve been a cold night there in Boston that felt like October, because Tomlin turned to a pumpkin and then the Sox carved him up.
Nick Swisher – o-for-4 as he was activated from the DL. Picking up right where he left off!
Kyle Kendrick – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. Kyle Kendrick Lamarr made the Padres his bish. But he only has two wins on the year and a 4.09 ERA. Random Italicized Voice, don’t kill my vibe!
John Mayberry – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. He’s now officially past Domonic Brown in power, but that’s about as complimentary as being called a less-racist version of Paula Dean.