Ruth/Gehrig, Mantle/Maris, Gio/Tauchman. Ya know, en bee dee, oh em gee, tee em eye, tee bee aitch, bee tee dubs, what the eff. It’s an all-New York week here at Razzball HQ. Yesterday, Gio Urshela (3-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs) went and hit his 15th and 16th homer, and has five homers in his last 13 at-bats. Last year, he hit three homers, and two came in Triple-A! I’d cackle-snort, but who would hear me with this pillow over my mouth as I scream about not picking up Urshela last week? Of course, Urshela will be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but, in any self-respecting league, he shouldn’t be available anymore. By the way, the Yankees became the 1st team in Major League history to hit 19 HRs in a four-game span. Our Commissioner Manfred just shipped in a new crate of baseballs, and they’re wrapped tighter than a hamster’s balloon knot. Let’s get some homers! Gulp, gulp up those juiced balls! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Mike Tauchman – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 11th homer, and 4th homer in four games. You got the Tauch! You got the power!
Bo Bichette – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting a bazillion. “Hello, it’s 23 and Me calling for Dante Bichette. Yes, hello, your son was fathered by Ted Williams at the All-Century Team ceremony. Sorry, bro!”
Derek Fisher – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Could be a light schmotato, could be coach for your new-look Lakers! You make the call!
Reese McGuire – 4-for-4, 3 runs and his 2nd homer in four games. This is a prospect, who just this year had five homers in 72 Triple-A games. Ya gotta love it.
Aristides Aquino – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. I might have a new favorite player. If you didn’t see his home run yesterday, go find the video. Okay, okay, OKAY! Here:
WUT. Yo, Aquino, seriously, WUT. Change his uniform number to 118.3. That was the 4th hardest hit ball this year. Then, later in the game, he made the hardest throw by an outfielder. Aquino, are you Icarus? Don’t fly too close to the sun, it’s what took down Kevin Maas and Yasiel Puig. Of course, he’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but he’s here now. Aquino’s got Maas appeal!
Nicholas Castellanos – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 2nd and 3rd homer for the Cubs, and 12th and 13th overall. The Greek God of Hard Contact was hitting down on the ball to get the hell out of Motown; it’s true because I said it.
Ian Happ – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer in four games. Okay, fine, I picked him up in two leagues. I’m a sucker for getting sucked in.
David Price – Hit the IL with a cyst on his wrist. 100% this is a Fortnite injury. Won’t hear different.
Chris Sale – 8 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 13 Ks, ERA at 4.41. His opponent, the Angels, are, how do you say, not good, but this start could’ve went either way. Luckily for his owners, you got the good Sale. Like when you’re buying a convertible and say, “I can’t wait to see her with her top off,” and there’s also a stripper there.
Sandy Leon – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer. Leon is The Professional hitman.
Sam Travis – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games. Meh, could be a hot schmotato alert, but I’m not feeling very alerty, if you feel me. Metaphorically! Stop feeling me!
Elieser Hernandez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.94. Well, I just dropped him in my NL-Only league to make room for Jose Quijada, who has give up about 20 runs this week. So long, guys and five girls, I’m sticking my head in an oven!
Brian Anderson – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 19th and 20th homer. I’ve been saying to pick him up for about two weeks, but I guess I meant it. Weird stuff.
Jon Berti – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, hitting .301, and leading off. I’ve been adding Berti in a few leagues over the last week. If you think about it, you’ll never do it, so keep that in mind. I mean, don’t keep that in mind.
Starlin Castro – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. Castro best not prospblock Isan. He. Best. Not. Yes, I even brought out the douchey one-word sentences.
Austin Riley – Hit the IL with pretendonitis. He could return in 10 days or when Adam Duvall stops hitting. I razz, I razz; he has a partial tear of his LCL, no word yet if his 200 needs surgery. By the by, talk about how fire emoji my sell of Riley was, when I told you to dispose of him in June.
Dallas Keuchel – 3 2/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 4.83. You in May, “Hey, a lot is riding on Dallas Keuchel coming back and helping my team, so I’ve held him since March.” You now, “I hear Razzball opened their fantasy football leagues. Whee!”
Ronald Acuna Jr. – 2-for-4 and his 30th homer, hitting .295. Tildaddy tells you it’s a half hour since you ate and you can go in the water!
Kyle Gibson – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.24. There’s no rhyme or reason to whether he’s going to pitch well. If you see a pattern in his good starts vs. bad, please, tell me, because I see nothing but heartache.
Mike Clevinger – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.02. Donkey Teeth and I did a podcast for the top 20 starters for 2020 and it should be out any day now (maybe today). Clevinger features prominently.
Corey Kluber – Had a bumpy first rehab start, but that’s not a big deal, as long as he’s healthy. Klubot 3000 could return by the end of August, and I’d stash him, even if I don’t expect much.
Fernando Tatis Jr. – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer. I’ll take the L, if I’m wrong, but I’d put money on it that Acuna and Tatis will one day be Hall of Famers. Hopefully, they never sit down with the voodoo doctor who Andruw Jones once met.
Jay Bruce – 0-for-3 as he was activated from the IL. The Phils sent down Haseley, because the Phils refuse to get younger. Just chuck Haseley into a trade if you’re never playing him.
Madison Bumgarner – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.74. Member when the Giants thought they were contenders for like a week in July, then they sneezed on the Mets? Shame Bumgarner’s being wasted in San Fran, but it’s such a gorgeous park to pitch in, he should never want to leave.
Mike Yastrzemski – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .268. Since homers are so un-special this year, it’s hard to build excitement for Yaz Jr. Jr., but he does have pop, and a grandpop.
Mitch Keller – Will be promoted for some starts down the stretch. He had 123 Ks in 103 2/3 IP in Triple-A, but, don’t worry, Ray Searage can shake that strikeout crap out of him, as he did the last time Keller was promoted and he was lit-up for 14 ER in 12 IP. Ray Searage, “That’s how you pitch to contact!”
Hunter Dozier – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 19th and 20th homer, hitting .284. The great thing about Dozier is no matter what he does in the final seven weeks, no one at ESPN or Yahoo will rank him high, and we’ll be able to draft him so late next year. Promise you.
Cheslor Cuthbert – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, and has a hit in nine of his last ten games and said he was a hot schmotato earlier this week, but y’all are thinking about what you’re gonna say to that girl in Human Resources. She don’t like you! She’s being polite!
Nicholas Dini – 1-for-3, 1 run, as he was called up by the 5-foot-8 Royals’ catching prospect was called up. Call him Nicholas Tini. In Triple-A, Tini had 13 dongers and seven steals, so he could be something in AL-Only leagues.
Matthew Boyd – 2 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.16, as he gave up three homers. Man, Boyd (you’ve grown so fast, just between commas!), you’re great, but way too many homers allowed across the whole season, not just last night.
Miguel Cabrera – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .285. Similar to Aquino, Cabrera’s home run trot was clocked at 118.3 centimeters per hour.
Travis Demeritte – 1-for-2, 3 runs and his 1st homer. I grabbed him for the batty call yesterday, and now I find myself in a moral quandary. Do I drop him with a wham, bam, thanks for the slam, or do I wake up in the morning and make him breakfast? Until next time on As Grey’s Waiver Wire Pickups Churn.