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As Ice Cube sang on the now-iconic song, It Was An Away Game, “Just waking up in the morning gotta thank God. Today, German was away, carrying my whole squad.” Then later on, he sings, “I felt ill after that big fat DeSclafani, pitching like he just pulled out of bed in jammies, but German killed those baserunners like every role by Allison Janney. And my teams run deep so deep so deep I’d put your ass to sleep talking about how on one team Alex Cobb’s my number one, but I didn’t hesitate to call German Marquez my top gun.” Imagine you were a Rockies fan who only watched home games, the team’s contract with German Marquez (9 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 0 walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.00) would be tré confusing. After 100 pitches, he is so low effort throwing 97 MPH in the 9th inning, and occasionally drops in an off-the-table curve that is freaking brothers every way like M.J. I can’t believe today German’s game was away. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Nolan Arenado – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .254. In honor of Palm Sunday, I’m going to carelessly leave the Shroud of Turin in my open window sill to get some sun…NOOOOO!!! Torenado!!!
Madison Bumgarner – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.12. His velocity is still whatever (fastball 90-ish, slide 85-ish), and no new velocity is coming unless Balco reopens in San Fran and Bum’s bum gets a dose. However, his spin rate has gone through the roof (twirling, prolly). He’s added more spin (309 RPMs) than any other pitcher (Burnes is 2nd), and he’s third for spin increase on breaking pitches. Also, he’s attacking hitters differently, further inside for righties with the fastball and breaking pitches. Not ready to say he’s back to a top 10 SP, but he’s not as bad as I worried he’d be coming into the year.
Rougned Odor – Hit the IL with a sore knee. Speaking of knees, I’m taking a knee on ever drafting this schmohawk again. I’m never even going to draft his brother, Rougned Odor. Yes, he has a brother by the same name. That should’ve been warning enough that I should avoid this schmohawk. I’m actually sympathetic to Jose Bautista now for getting cold-cocked by Odor. Rougned is a total POS and may his knee never heal so he doesn’t return to drag down my team’s batting average. Like a rejected Axe Body Spray tag line: Be gone, Odor!
Elvis Andrus – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs a slam (3) and legs (4), and a double short of the cycle, hitting .414. Elvis has reentered the building!
Delino DeShields – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 4th and 5th steal, hitting .200, as he hit leadoff. I dropped him in one deeper mixed league, which means he’s almost definitely about to break out. DeShizz is not living his best life if he’s not driving me crazy. *breaking news sounds* I just picked him up; may the Fantasy Baseball Overlord have pity on us all.
Stephen Piscotty – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. Khris Davis (1-for-4, 1 RBI) must be rubbing off on Piscotty as 1-for-4 with a homer is what Davis has averaged for the last 750 games.
Brett Anderson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.63. Solid MediOAKer start in an away game. Streamonator doesn’t love his next start, and he’s not someone I start without SON’s approval.
CC Sabathia – 5 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 0 walks, 3 Ks, as he returned. Unfortch, Domingo German (2 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.38) came in to relieve him. Does that mean German has been bumped from the rotation? I don’t think so, but the Yanks might not have needed a 5th starter for a while. Don’t worry, German will get some job security when J.A. Happ is placed on the Disgraceful List with suckage.
Masahiro Tanaka – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.22. Welcome back, pre-All-Star Break Tanaka!
Jose Abreu – 1-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI and two steals (1, 2). Were these his 1st two steals of his career? Did he have a 79-foot lead? To speed up baseball, did Our Commissioner Manfred install a moving walkway between 1st and 2nd base? Did new Yankees’ catcher, Kyle Higashioka, get throwing lessons from Mackey Sasser? I have questions, y’all!
Tim Anderson – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer, a grand slam, hitting .429. Though, with Higashioka catching, it might’ve been a bunt single and a quick steal of three bags.
Carlos Rodon – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.27. Wanted no part of Rodon in the preseason, but four starts in…well, *twists arm* Okay, but his velocity is down, his walks are still ugly and I don’t trust him. I swear I started this blurb looking to be positive for Rodon, but I couldn’t get there.
Chris Archer – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.00. He came up just a hair short of the 14-inning perfect game he needs to throw every time out to live up to expectations after the Meadows/Glasnow trade.
Jameson Taillon – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.43. *finger pushes on listening device in ear* I’m getting word that Tameson Jaillon in a parallel universe where he’s trade to the Rays just struck out 12 guys. Crazy!
Anibal Sanchez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.86. “Two strikeouts in seven innings? Let’s trade for him!” That’s Ray Searage.
Zach Eflin – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 3.94. The Regression Fairies personally know a judge on RuPaul’s Drag Race; they once rolled their eye so hard they lost a contact, and they will destroy your ratios.
Vince Velasquez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.25. No lie, I own Velasquez in one league and have yet to put him into my lineup. I might want to change that. In fairness to me, it’s a weekly league and he’s faced the Nats a lot. Though, yesterday was vs. the Marlins, so I think even my excuse for being stupid is stupid.
Cesar Hernandez – 2-for-5 and a slam (1) and legs (2), hitting .200. The last Phillies hitter to get hot, and that includes Scott Kingery, who is hitting .500+.
Caleb Smith – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.65. To illustrate the kind of faith I have in Caleb Smith, I have owned him the entire year in my RCL league (12-team mixed), and will start him until further notice.
Brian Anderson – 1-for-5 and a slam (2) and legs (2), hitting .232. B.A. was an A stream.
Jefry Rodriguez – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks as he replaced Clevinger in the Indians’ rotation. Jefry is pronounced like Jeffrey, but it’s rarely pronounced because he has a 5.71 career ERA.
Carlos Gonzalez – 1-for-5, 1 run as he was recalled from the minors. When he was a rookie, people knew what CarGo was. Now the world’s digital and people are like, “CarGo? That’s just soon-to-be litter, do you not care about the environment?” An Old might say, “But don’t you need some things still delivered, like toilet paper?” “No, toilet paper is now digital to save dolphins, you insensitive prick!”
Corey Kluber – 2 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 6 hits, 5 walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 6.16. Walking five Royals in 3 IP is like walking Joey Votto 11 times in a game.
Leonys Martin – 3-fof-5, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, hitting .271. He was a hot schmotato who made Friday’s Buy column, and now, as if life couldn’t become even more grand, he’s reappeared and still hitting homers.
Wily Peralta – 1 IP, 0 ER and the win, and a save on Saturday, ERA at 7.71. We’re in our 2nd year of Wily Peralta, Royals closer, and him being garbage. Apparently, those things are mutually exclusive.
Yasiel Puig – 2-for-5 and his 1st homer. Thank God, I was beginning to worry I drafted in the 6th round the equivalent to Tie Domi.
Jesse Winker – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs, hitting .190, and his 4th homer in the last five games. Winker isn’t supposed to have this much power, but I think we need to assume players hit for more power in the majors, as crackers as that sounds.
Marcell Ozuna – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 4th and 5th homer, hitting .275. OZUNA love to hit with healthy shoulder. OZUNA shoulder feel brand new. OZUNA shoulder have new car smell.
Tyler O’Neill – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer. Five over-the-internet dollars that you will never collect that O’Neill will hit another home run in his next start.
Sean Newcomb – Sent to Triple-A. Didn’t love any of the Braves starters coming out of the spring, picked up some hot-monkey-love, hump-hump action for Max Fried, but Newcomb was a pass from me. A Newcomb is unnecessary when you have hair like mine. *turns to the mirror, blows kiss, mirror falls off the wall and crashes* Okay, that was a coincidence. However, now the Braves have Newc’d Newcomb and are doing it all for the Touki. Toussaint, that is. I went to grab Touki in all my deeper than 12 team leagues, and could even see him in 12-teamers if you’re in need of some upside.
Arodys Vizcaino – Hit the IL with shoulder inflammation. The writing was on the wall with this one, and the writing said, “There once was a man from Nantucket, yo, Vizacino’s shoulder been bad since the spring, suck it.” The obvious replacement is A.J. Minter who should be owned everywhere.
Nick Markakis – 1-for-4, 2 runs, and his 2nd homer, and 2nd in as many games. Sparkakis!
Josh Donaldson – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .264. Brucely, I’m surprised he’s not already hurt, so bonus points there for him.
Jacob deGrom – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, (4 BBs), 9 Ks, ERA at 3.68. On one hand, he went into Atlanta, a tough matchup, and got nine strikeouts in only five innings. On the other hand, it’s back-to-back meh starts. On a third hand that’s really a Baby On Board suction cup hand in a car window, you had to draft him in the top 15 overall, and I’d be screaming bloody murder if I owned him. The Mets are saying he’s fine; A-Rod was saying he’s tipping his pitches and, if I owned him, I’d be hoping for the best, and expecting the worst because: Mets.
Michael Pineda – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.00 vs. Tyson Ross – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.50. This matchup was billed as, “Two guys Grey can’t believe he owns, but has been relatively happy with.” Not sure who calls it that. It’s not me ending a sentence with ‘with.’ I end my sentences with two withs. Nerdy grammar jokes aside, I do own these guys, and have been happy with them, but it’s a deep league and they are backend of the rotation, so your mileage may vary.
Trevor Hildenberger – 2/3 IP, 0 ER and his 1st save, ERA at 0.00, as he relieved regular Twins closer, Blake Parker (1/3, 0 ER, 3 baserunners) from a full-on implosion. My guess is Rocco Baldelli goes back to Parker for the next save, but obviously the leash is Pitbull short. Meaning the leash Pitbull, the rapper, wears to formal functions, which is a short, cropped leash.
Gordon Beckham – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .176. Yesterday, Tiger Woods won his 1st major in 14 years, and Gordon Beckham, a Tiger, had his first positive game in 14 years. Remarkable, priceless, phony enthusiasm.
Rick Porcello – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 11.12. Red Sox pitchers need to take an ill-fated Duck Tour.
David Price – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.79. Wait a second, a good pitcher for the Red Sox actually pitched well against a godforsaken team? Well, I’ll be. Next thing you’re gonna tell me he held Chris Davis hitless.
John Means – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 1.98. Fun fact! John Means is actually a nickname. His full name is “John Means The Orioles Have No One Else To Start.” It’s of British origin.
Clay Buchholz – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, as he returned from the IL. I’d use the Streamonator for Buchholz, and, an educated guess says that the robot will never like him, unless he gets some random home game during interleague or he changes his name to Metal Buchholz. Clay’s A) Bad material to manufacture goods. B) Reminds Streamonator of the movie, Ghost. C) There’s no C.
Freddy Galvis – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .351. Might be the hottest schmotato in the land, which was immortalized in the Genesis video, Land of Schmotatoes, when Puppet Ronald Reagan was a proud owner of Freddy Galvis and woke up in a puddle of water.
Billy McKinney – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .217. The Bret Easton Ellis book, Less Than Zero, was about what McKinney’s done this year, but maybe he’s coming out of it.
Marcus Stroman – 4 IP, 0 ER, 3 unearned runs, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 1.99. If you think this is a good start, I have a bridge in Madison County to sell you. Okay, it’s a DVD of The Bridges of Madison County.
Lourdes Gurriel Jr. – Was demoted. Let’s go, bring up Guerrero, Bichette, Biggio and any other kids of the players from the 1999 All-Star Game… What’s Cal Ripken Jr. Jr. up to? Call him up too!
Matt Strahm – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.26. Still pretty off Strahm — let the boys be boys! — but the Streamonator is at least positive for his next start and I could see letting up on the brake a little. I’m talking about a streamer — Strahmer? — so don’t ask if you should drop someone good for him.
Christian Walker – 3-for-4 and his 4th homer. Christian has risen! Week early, but we’ll take it.
Ketel Marte – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Anime Grey goes over Ketel in the video at the top of the page, give it a looksie.
Fernando Tatis Jr. – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .268. So far he looks overmatched by major league pitching at least once a game, so he could hit .750 this year. FTJ! Fun the Jewels fast!
Manuel Margot – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .333. This guy is the NL’s Delino DeShields. They are cockroaches who won’t go away. Someone do an artsy film about him called, Margot In My Bedding.
Mitch Haniger – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, hitting .289. Mitch does not kill my vibe!
Erik Swanson – With LeBlanc out for upwards to six weeks (Wade not Matt, though who knows where Matt is), Swanson was called up by the M’s. Swanson’s a hard thrower the M’s got from the Yanks for Paxton, and has a solid-enough slider. He could be a 9+ K/9 and mid-2 walk rate guy, so I’m buying in deeper leagues (to give you an idea, I dropped Roark for him). The Prospectonator projections for him don’t look bad. He’s above Kyle Wright, to throw out one random rookie starter.
Justin Verlander – 6 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.52. Whew, now if I can get Just Awful Happ to not have a 17.50 ERA.
Gerrit Cole – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.24. Elias Sports Bureau said this was the 1st time two Astros starters had back-to-back 11-strikeout games since Nolan Ryan threw both sides of a doubleheader.
Alex Verdugo – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .343. I just spent five minutes trying to pick up Verdugo in two leagues, but I couldn’t justify dropping guys since Verdugo’s playing time is so tied up in what names Roberts pulls out of his hat. “Batting third is…Fanatics.” “Uh, Dave, you pulled the tag.”
Ross Stripling – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.92. Sell! Not kidding; his peripherals look egregious. Or you can wait for Friday’s Sell column.
Joc Pederson – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer. As I pointed out in Friday’s Buy, the Hitter-Tron loves Pederson over the next week (now five more days?). The Hitter-Tron also loves to go to the Pep Boys to have its holes lubed. (Don’t shoot the messenger.)
Zach Davies – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.53. Trying to figure out the Brewers starters year to year is like watching True Detective after a head trauma.
