The Sciosciapath gave Ernesto Frieri the dreaded vote of confidence the other day, so, of course, he wasn’t there when a save presented itself in the 10th inning of a 3-1 game. Cam Bedrosian entered the game with his 10+ ERA. He’s the one guy I would trust less than Frieri, but not to worry, The Sciosciapath had Frieri come in once Bedrosian was in a jam, and Ernesto promptly gave up a grand slam to Nick Swisher, who is batting .200 this year. Joe Smith would seemingly be used to get all future saves, but The Sciosciapath ties his shoes with Crazy Glue and uses the non-pronged side of the fork to eat and thinks Alan Hunter was better than Martha Quinn and once bought Styrofoam peanuts to snack on and his voicemail is “Siri, how do you leave an outgoing voicemail message?” and he thinks arithmetic is the work of witches, so I have no idea where he’s going the next time the Angels have the lead in the ninth. He says they’ll go to a committee, but I’d own Smith. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
C.J. Wilson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the soon-to-be Cleveland Native Americans and their mascot, Chief Sitting On Two Tens.
Kyle Crockett – 1/3 IP as he got the win for the Indians. Crockett is the King of the Vulture Win Frontier! In related news, the Washington Redskins just signed a linebacker named Terrence Smallpoxblanket.
Justin Masterson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. Had it been one game already since the last time he got shelled and everyone dropped him? Geez, it felt like longer ago than that. Justin Masterson: Passive Aggressive Fantasy Starter; he will get crushed on your team and look like the best starter on the planet on your waivers.
Carlos Quentin – Jon Heyman reported Quentin may be willing to waive his no-trade clause. Ah, the ol’ ‘playing hard to get’ maneuver. “Yeah, maybe I’ll agree to leave the Padres. Yeah, maybe,” Quentin said that while he put a House for Sale sign up on the lawn of his San Diego mansion.
Erasmo Ramirez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks. If Erasmo keeps pitching like this, I’m not sure when we’re gonna see Taijuan Walker. *opens to first page of the fairy tale, FMFBBL* This is a story of how the world transpired against Taijuan. Chapter One: Suddenly Erasmo Ramirez Looks Like Clayton Kershaw.
Jesse Hahn – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks in Petco. His ERA is now down to 2.16 in three games started (2.96 xFIP, but it’s a small sample size — just like she likes it!). What’s not as small — hey now! — was his 2-ish ERA in the minors. His next start at the Giants will be a good test, and after that it might be all Hahns on deck, or at least when he’s home.
Andrew Heaney – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks. The hype didn’t fully live up to the reality from what I saw. Looked taller than his listed six-one frame, lanky as all get out, and looked like he might be in high school with Yelich. He struck out three very weak hitters (Krispie, Aimee Teagarden and Tejada), and looked hittable against better righties (David Wright put one in the deep seats off him). Lefties could definitely have a tough time against him. I am being a tad harsh, I mean he did only give up five baserunners and looked in control the whole game. Jo-Fer, sadly, he is not.
Zack Wheeler – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks. I need you to say in a very high-pitched voice, I’m having a Zack Attack. Can you do that for me? Thanks. Not sure if Wheeler’s out of the woods yet; he’s always had success vs. the Marlins — three earned runs in his 28 career IP facing them. He’s obviously in a better place today than he was after his last 8 2/3 innings where he gave up eight runs. If ‘not out of the woods’ sounds like I’m hedging. That’s punny, but it’s true. I have no idea what to make of Wheeler. He’s risky, but yesterday showed his upside.
Yovani Gallardo – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks. Well, I prefer when he gets hit hard, but I’m happy for all his owners (not happy). You deserve this (don’t). Here’s to many more (no more)!
Chase Anderson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks. Last Friday, I said, “This is a very tentative buy for right now, but if he pitches well tonight, I’ll be all in on him, so before someone else snipes him, I’d grab him.” And that’s me quoting me! Then, he went out and pitched mediocre on Friday (5 IP, 2 ER) and yesterday just meh. This leaves him as a streamer and the Stream-o-Nator doesn’t love his next start.
David Peralta – 2-for-4, 1 run. Thanks for your contributions to my team, now back to waivers until I need you again on Monday. We’ve had so many batty calls together, I might need to buy him dinner one of these days.
Alex Gordon – Sat out yesterday with the flu. Givenchy!
Billy Butler – 2-for-4, 1 RBI, as he sits on 2 homers for the year. I knew I should’ve taken the over in Vegas on rolls vs. homers.
Danny Duffy – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks. Duffy up to snuffy? Not unless you’re huffy at the gas station. He has a sub-7 K-rate, 3+ walk rate and a 4.58 xFIP. Burp, bleh and vomitorium.
Jordan Zimmermann – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA down to 2.98. The Nats starting staff has an ERA of 3.37, and that’s with Gio and his 4.85 ERA. Roark, Zimmerman, Strasburg and Fister are all below 3.10. I’ll point to this if anyone asks me if I have a problem with having multiple starters on the same team.
Gavin Floyd – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, which is great, terrific, adjective, but he fractured his elbow. Too bad, so sad. Here comes Wood! Literally. Multiple meanings. Every meaning. You name it. I have Wood. On teams. In pants. I’m excited.
Chris Johnson – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and hitting near-.350 in the last week. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because he bores the Chris out of me, but if you’re struggling for average at corner infidel, here ya go.
Evan Gattis – 2-for-5, 1 run, extending his hit streak to 18 games. He’s still proudest of his 46-day no shower streak.
Anibal Sanchez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, Zero Ks, only then to have Joe Nathan come in and strikeout the side. That series of events I believe is less likely than Kershaw’s no-hitter, but I’m no statistician. I’m just a poor, handsome man with a calculator watch that I need the sun to power.
J.D. Martinez – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer and his third in the last four games. Since I’ve mentioned him every day this week, you’d better believe he’s in this afternoon’s Buy column, but there’s really no reason to wait for that. Make like Miggy, and grab J.D.
Cody Asche – Will be activated on Friday. “Hello, Grey, I am a Ghost of Sleepers Past and I went 5-for-6 with a home run during my rehab stint.” Fine, I’ll pick you up, just take off that stupid bed sheet.
Ryan Howard – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer, and his third homer in the last four games. Howard’s hot like it’s 2006. I wonder if Charlie Manual called him up with some words of encouragement and a correction on his swing. “You’re diving at the ball like it’s seven june bugs on a cow carcass. Without festering and pecking, there’s meat there to cut off and put in a bucket and cook on an open fire with giblet gravy, then the lumps in the gravy is meat and not june bug torsos.”
David Buchanan – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks. Keep pitching like that and Buchanan is gonna find himself a suitor and move above George W. on the worst president list.
Michael Wacha – Cardinals are skipping him to keep his workload light. Big hint was when Matheny was playing the Beastie Boys’ So What’cha Want and Wacha kept answering with, “Rest.” Carlos Martinez will start in his place, but he’s still not able to go deep into a game, so I’d skip him.
Shelby Miller – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA up to 3.56. A Shelby can do your income taxes, if you need a root canal, Shelby’s your man, but humpin’ and pumpin’ the strike zone is not Shelby’s strong suit.
Justin Upton – Still out of the lineup due to feeling dizzy. Maybe Fredi’s pregame drills of putting your nose on the knob of the bat and spinning isn’t the best idea.
Gerrit Cole – Slated to return on June 28th. I.e., that’s the day Cole turns to the diamond.
Jason Grilli – 1 IP, 1 ER and his 4th blown save, giving up a home run to everyone’s favorite catcher, Devin Mesoraco. That’s until some random other catcher starts hitting and everyone’s allegiance to Mesoraco goes up ‘n smoke, Chong. As for Grilli, it’s not great, and Clint Hurdle refused to give him the dreaded vote of confidence. If giving a vote of confidence is a bad thing, is not giving it an even worse thing or a better thing? That’s a riddle for the Sphinx! I don’t see the Pirates replacing Grilli unless he’s hurt, but I guess you never know. It’s kinda irrelevant since I’d own Melancon in every league, but that has just as much to do with his 1.89 ERA.
Jeff Locke – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks. Stream-o-Nator nailed this game as a just barely meh stream, but hates his next start and I don’t like Locke, in general. See, I have an Open Door Policy on streamers, except Locke. Irony? Perhaps, have to ask a Brit about that.
Clint Barmes – 4-for-5, 1 run. After his big game, Barmes decided now was as good a time as any to move the deer meat out of his basement freezer.
Gregory Polanco – 2-for-6, 1 run. Who is this guy? Never heard of him before.
Homer Bailey – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks. I guess it’s in the 2nd half when he turns it on. Sideways emoticon screaming, “I am not drinking any f**king Merlot!”
Melky Cabrera – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. The Jays are just loosening up their pipes now. Watch, today they’re all going to hit four homers each and Mark Whiten’s going to go to the hospital with chest pains.
Drew Hutchison – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER in Yankee Stadium. I guess that whole Hutchison pitches well in away games is out the window. Only lousy thing there is if he’s not pitching well in away games and not pitching well in home games, where is he pitching well? Bullpen sessions? If you have better options, it’s that time in our program where we look elsewhere.
David Phelps – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks. Okay, nice game from Phelps, but they could’ve had Buhner!
Jacoby Ellsbury – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI and two steals (19, 20), hitting .279. I watched a piece of this game yesterday because I thought maybe David Robertson was hurt (he wasn’t; just rested), and I noticed Ellsbury is like a stray black hair in the middle of James Brolin’s head. It’s like the Yankees are getting players out of a consignment shop.
Yohan Pino – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. He’s thirty years old and he’s spent almost a decade in the minors. That’s the bad news. The good news is in five years we’re going to get a film starring Luis Guzman about Yohan’s life called, “Pino, Those Aren’t Sour Grapes.”
Josh Willingham – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer. He was 1-for-19 in the last week coming into this game. Josh darnnit, you can do better, you betcha! Sorry, been watching Fargo non-stop for a week. If you haven’t seen it, I highly recommend. I enjoyed the first season better than Breaking Bad’s first. For serious.
Glen Perkins – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save. I guess the back is fine. Speaking of Fien, thanks for the vulture win, homey!
Scott Kazmir – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA up to 2.08. What, the Regression Fairies are scared of Kazmir? I mean, it’s not as nice as taffeta, but c’mon!
Yoenis Cespedes – 2-for-4 and his 14th homer, hitting .266. Solid number two to three outfield season coming from Cespedes as long as he doesn’t get hurt. Yes, I just said that to try to jinx him. Too obvious?
Jose Altuve – 2-for-4 and two steals. Opposing teams should put at their visitor clubhouse entrance a Bugs Bunny “Need to Be This Tall To Enter” sign.
Collin McHugh – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.76. When neutralizing for luck, he’s not doing much worse than that either. Around a mid-3 ERA pitcher when it’s all said and done with a near-10 K/9 and a mid-3 BB/9. Those are numbers of a guy that should be owned everywhere.
Chris Archer – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.14. Hey, that’s my Pi!
Kevin Kiermaier – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. He’s cooled a lot recently, but he was still batting third for the Rays. Be interesting to see who’s batting third in today’s lineup. I’m gonna guess Brandon Guyer. He’s more masculine than you. Less so than Guyest.
Evan Longoria – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer. Is he really on pace for 20 homers? Where’s my Sylvia Plath book and the nearest oven? Get hot, doode!
David DeJesus – Fractured his hand on a check swing and will miss at least three weeks. Ironically, in the Afghanistan Baseball Organization, David DeMuhammad strained his oblique. We’re all one people!