Carl Crawford hurt his hammy on Saturday, which opened the door for the Dodgers to make memories. Every Dodger fan is on their portable mobile cellular device texting someone their excitement. Of course, their excitement is about how well Fast & Furious is doing at the box office or how it only took them twenty minutes from downtown to the beach. The 10 was a breeze! But amongst the Angeleno texts I intercepted, there was one about how the Dodgers called up the latest Cuban raftee, Yasiel Puig. You can imagine how excited Dodger fans will be once they realize how good he is and that they’ll be able to see him even if they leave the game by the 7th inning. There will be a chance for Puig to show his tools like Siamese Twins in an adult theater. In Double-A, he hit 8 homers, stole 13 bases and hit .313 in only 40 games. If he does that in the next 40 games for the Dodgers, he will be the number one call-up for fantasy and there will be no way the Dodgers can send him down. The big question for me is what happens when Crawford and Kemp return. I think there’s a good chance Puig hits a few homers, steals a couple of bases in the next few weeks, then gets sent right back down. Obviously, you have to take a flyer on him in all leagues to see if he sticks. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Domonic Brown – 3-for-3 and 4 RBIs with a homer yesterday and is on another plizzane. Now has 8 homers in the last ten games. That tapping you hear is Ted Williams hitting the glass jar with his head, asking someone to put him in the microwave for thirty seconds to defrost him. Babe Ruth is watching on while pushing away a Coke bottle that Fatty Arbuckle is trying to get him to smell. Joe DiMaggio is even taking two minutes away from stalking Marilyn Monroe to check out Brown. If you remember, I told you to pick up Brown for about 7 Buy columns in a row. It started in the very first Buy of the year. There I recapped what I had said in 2010, which still applies, “‘In the minors in 2010, Domonic Brown had a line of 65/20/68/.327/17 and .391/.589/.980. Let’s recap, whoa/wow/nice/yum-yum/don’t mind if I do and yowsers/that’s lovely/yowsersthat’slovely. He has 20/20 potential with plate discipline. It’s the fantasy baseball equivalent to, “I don’t think this glazed donut can get any better.” “How about we sprinkle bacon on it?” Drool.’ At the time, he was Keith Law’s number one prospect behind Desmond Jennings. Not all guys break out at the same rate or have to deal with trying to decipher what their manager is saying as he chews on a piece of hay. Brown shouldn’t be on the Buy list. He should just be on every team.” And that’s me quoting me! As Charlie Manuel would say, “Paying the electric is easy, bottling 5,000 lightning bugs so you can see around your tool shed is hard.”
Bryce Harper – To the DL with knee burstitis. Scoreboard 1, Harper, 0. Granted, the Scoreboard has a big advantage in keeping score.
Stephen Strasburg – Has a Grade 1 lat strain, which is a lat strain that knows its alphabet and can count pennies. The Nats haven’t put him on the DL yet because they think he might be able to start on Saturday. That is not what you’re hoping for if you own Strasburg. Nothing good can come of that, and will only knock him out longer. I imagine the Nats will come to their senses and DL him. If he doesn’t try to start Saturday, he’ll only miss a few starts. If he tries to start on Saturday, he’ll probably miss a month.
Ian Desmond – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 7th homer. Shine on you crazy Desmond!
Huston Street – To the DL with a calf injury, so mooooo over, here comes Luke Gregerson. Street will probably be out for three weeks. I’m not going on any scientific, doctorey-type diagnosis. I’m going on Street is always injured for at least 3 weeks every year. If “Huston Street is out until mid-July” jumped out of a closet, I wouldn’t be surprised. Gregerson was gone already in one of my leagues, so I grabbed Thayer. That’s one of those moves that you just do because you’re pissed that you missed out on the real waiver pick-up, so you just grab someone nearby. Do others do this type of move? We should have a glossary name for this type of move. Suggest in the comments.
Brandon Phillips – Out 3-4 days after taking a pitch off his forearm. A man, a plan, a canal, BP could take BP on Tuesday. (<–poor attempt at a palindrome!).
Mat Latos – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, 3.01 ERA. Before this game, he had been alternating good and mediocre starts, so it was Latos or hate us, but Latos don’t conform to formulas, so let’s push things forward.
Rafael Betancourt – His father tweeted Betancourt had to go on the DL because of a groin issue. I bet his dad was the boy equivalent of a Stage Mom –> The Little League Dad. The Dad who yells at the umpire’s strike zone, even though the umpire is 15 years old. The Dad who refuses to buy his son an after-game ice cream cone because he made an error. The Dad who screams obscenities at 8-year-olds on the other team. Rex Brothers will take over the Rockies closer job for a few weeks, while Daddy Betancourt glares at him from the stands.
Dexter Fowler – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and 2 homers. What a Strong Bean!
Jorge de la Rosa – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, 3.10 ERA. I wish I had the testicular fortitude to pick him up, alas I’m weak in the nethers.
A.J. Ellis – With a strained oblique, he’s now D’Ellis.
Hyun-Jin Ryu – Because of a sore foot, he missed his start at Coors. Mmhmm, that’s like when you got a stomach ache the day of your bio final. “I really wish I could pitch at Coors, but this foot is killing me… Could Rafael Betancourt’s dad bring me back some nachos?”
Matt Harvey – 5 IP, 4 ER, 12 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the MIA Marlins. The thing is with Harvey or Shelby Miller, their track record is so short, when they hit a few bumps in the road, no one will want to trade for them. Cust kayin’.
Jon Niese – Expected to return on Friday after his MRI came back clean. This sounds pretty inauspicious, if I’m using the word inauspicious correctly, or even spelling it right. $5 FAAB dollars says Niese pitches poorly and then ends up on the DL anyway.
Ike Davis – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Did he stare the abyss in the face, see George Forster naked, shudder and decide to come back to the land of the non-ugly? It looks like he might’ve. If someone (and it was probably everyone) dropped him, I’d go ahead and re-pick him up. Let’s just remember next year to not draft Ike, but to pick him up off waivers in June.
Omar Quintanilla – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 1st homer. As he fills in for Ruben Tejada, Quintanilla’s 7 for his last 12 and his last name is also a grade school trick when you balance five Nilla Wafers on each finger tip.
Lucas Duda – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 10th homer, which knocked in his 20th RBI. Just forty more homers to get 100 RBIs.
Marcell Ozuna – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and 6 for 12 this weekend, average up to .333. This is why, this is why, this is why he’s a hot schmotato.
Chris Coghlan – 4-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs. Has now hit in 9 straight games and hitting near .400 in the last week, to go with one homer and no steals. I’d grab Coghlan, but if picking him up gives you an erection for longer than 4 hours, you’re gonna wanna wear sweat pants and go see a doctor.
Ed Lucas – 4-for-4, 2 run, 2 RBIs. He’s also the answer to the trivia question, “Who is Ed Lucas?”
Jeanmar Gomez – Left yesterday’s game with forearm tightness. After entering yesterday’s game with a 2.30 ERA, the Sabermetric Gods didn’t take kindly to him beating his xFIP. The Sabermetric Gods also have acne and are virgins.
Pedro Alvarez – 1-for-4 with his 11th homer. Pedro from Pittsburgh tends to get hot like a Scarlett Johansson selfie. This might be one of those times. Wouldn’t surprise me to see him hit 5 homers in the next week.
Garrett Jones – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and a homer. The weekly Hitter-Tron likes Jones this week. Maybe it knows something we don’t know. I mean, besides how to get oral pleasure from a vacuum cleaner.
Adrian Beltre – Day-to-day with a minor hamstring issue. C’mon, Beltre, get hamstrong!
Mike Fiers – 1 2/3 IP, 5 ER. Stop, drop and roll away from Fiers.
Jonathan Lucroy – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs after hitting three homers over the weekend. Who dat? Fleur-de-Lucroy is blossoming.
Cliff Lee – 7 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks with two of the runs for The Adverb given up by De Fratus, which to Lee owners is more like ‘deflate us.’ Amiright?!
Jonathan Papelbon – Felt sick yesterday so Bastardo got the save. Bastardo said, “I treat the Brewers like I’m their daddy. The daddy I never had.” Then he cried.
Jeremy Hellickson – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks. If you’re rolling guys like Hellickson out there every fifth day instead of guys off the Stream-o-Nator, you’re just not paying attention. Or reading this, so now is a good time to reveal to you that I was the one who parked too close to you at Target, which forced you to climb through the passenger side and get trapped between the dash and steering wheel, which needed the fire department to come with the “Jaws of Life” to get you out. My bad!
Yunel Escobar – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. C’mon, Yunel, you’re supposed to save those for short schedule days.
Evan Longoria – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. Only 26 more!
Brandon Morrow – To the Disgraceful List. Without the help of prunes, now you have a solid reason to drop this BM.
Buster Posey – 4-for-4, 1 run with two doubles. The Wade Boggs cycle! Now if only Posey could get some fried chicken and Margo Adams. They’re finger-lickin’ good!
David Freese – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .350 in the last week. I grabbed Freese because Beltre was injured. I could see having to decide between Arenado and Freese and going with Freese. Time will tell. Or my fortune teller.
Tyler Lyons – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks. Proof that The Ghost of Dave Duncan can only do so much. I’d go ahead and move on from Lyons before things get worse.
Jeremy Bonderman – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER. You want an ulcer? Ask your girlfriend which friend of yours she would sleep with if you weren’t dating her. Wanna add insult to injury? Try to figure out why the Mariners went with Bonderman instead of Erasmo Ramirez.
Ryan Doumit – Hit his 3rd homer of the week yesterday. Meanwhile, Salvador Perez bought his mom a pineapple Fanta while they wait for immigration.
Brian Dozier – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, his 2nd in the last four games. He’s also hitting over .300 in the last week. I don’t recommend him for a long period of time, but he looks like a hot schmotato.
Brandon McCarthy – To the Disgraceful List. He’s undergoing an MRI to see if he has a stress fracture in his pitching shoulder. That sounds promising. Mangled Out McCarthy will probably miss at least a month.
Tyler Skaggs – Will fill-in for the DL’d McCarthy. I grabbed Skaggs in one league where I need to gamble on pitching. Skaggs has been lights out at times in the minors, and was in his first game in the majors this year. He usually has solid control (under 3 BB/9) and a high-7 to an 8 K/9. In the NL West, that’s a mid 3-ERA. Of course, as with any young pitchers, you could be humming along, then suddenly the bottom drops out and you wake up in bed next to Roseanne Barr.
Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 1 RBI and 2 steals. I love Gooolllllddddschmidt.
Jason Kubel – 2-for-4 and 2-for-6 with 4 RBIs on Saturday. I’m not a huge fan of Kubel, but he only has 3 homers and 17 RBIs, so there’s still a long way for him to go to get 25 homers and 80 RBIs. The guy’s loss who dropped him is your gain.
Wei-Yin Chen – Still no timetable for his return and he’s only jogged in a pool so far. It was a kiddie pool and he was wearing water wings. Safety first!
Kevin Gausman – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. Tigers. Solid start after his first two starts were both definitions of shellacked; beaten and finished. Sometimes it takes a few starts for young pitchers to get comfortable and picture the batters in their underwear. I’d look at him again for his next start in Tampa.
Chris Davis – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 20th homer. Bill James really nailed this guy’s potential…Three years too soon.
Rick Porcello – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks. His line looks a tad better than marginal, but Coke gave up two of his runs and his Ks were up again. I’m still buying. If you want to read more, here’s my Porcello fantasy. I wrote it while robbing someone’s Twinkie stash.
Jhonny Peralta – 2-for-4, 1 RBI and hit his 6th homer on Saturday while maintaining a .332 average. Peralta’s doing so good he should strut around in a purple suit and call himself Don ‘Magic Jhon.’ “Green is for the money, and gold is for the Jhoney.”
Jarrod Parker – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks in O.co vs. the White Sox. This was a bit of a no brainer streamer for me. A no brainer? That’s your specialty! Thanks, Random Italicized Voice. I dropped him afterwards because he’s headed on the road.
Ervin Santana – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks. His ERA is at 3.03 on the year and has pitched well if you look at his peripherals, and his xFIP is solid. With that said (here comes the reversal), I don’t trust him at all.
Yu Darvish – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. I’ll be interested in seeing what he’s like this summer when in Arlington it’s hotter than two rats f**king in a wool sock.
Jurickson Profar – 2-for-3 and his 2nd homer. The Rangers should take a cue from fantasy managers and as soon as there’s good news about Kinsler’s rehab, trade Ian to the highest bidder. They don’t need to take other cues from fantasy managers like living in their mom’s basement and complaining about their eczema.
Jacoby Ellsbury – Sidelined since his five-steal game with a groin issue. As frequent commenter, Wake Up, said, “Ellsbury literally ran his balls off.”
Clay Buchholz – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks in a rain-shortened game. In related news, Coppertone’s waterproof sunscreen really works!
B.J. Upton – 1-for-4 with his 5th homer. Feels like forever since the Braves fans got to use their altered Tomahawk Chop where they slowly move their hands back and forth towards their lap.
