Call Up Penzey Cuz It’s The End of The Season

Let’s check in on some fantasy baseball championship celebrations:

People celebrating their fantasy baseball championships today pic.twitter.com/4bavGwku88

— Razzball (@Razzball) October 5, 2022

That is the best encapsulation of the joy of winning a fantasy baseball league. I’m sick it’s so on point. I hope everyone got to feel that “very dorky dancing while very white music plays surrounded by middle-aged men” joy yesterday. Today is the day when you realize you’ve spent 27,000 man hours this summer beating eleven other strangers to win a virtual trophy, and it feels great! That’s if you won your league, if you came in 2nd or worse, you get an A for effort. A big, shiny make-believe A.

So, another fantasy baseball season is in the books, and, with a baseball season in the books, it means Jonathan India’s 2022 season is now in the books, and, in conclusion, that is why we should burn books. Any questions? *calls on a guy who looks zonked* Yes? “If I’m going to IHOP is it MeHOP, MyselfHOP or IHOP, or does it depend on usage?” God damn it, is that you, Cody Bellinger?! Stop smoking so much weed! *Cody lowers his head, kicks a rock and walks out of the room* Okay, if there’s no more questions, I have one:  How long until next year’s rankings come out?! Wait, I have to write them. When I’m done, I’ll start to put them on our Patreon. Now, one more question, what do I do for the next three months? Oh, yeah, write the rankings! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Davis Martin – 1 2/3 IP, 9 ER, ERA at 4.83. The Regression Fairies are too busy protesting the new Dahmer series. They couldn’t care about one last stream-a-roos-ki. Let’s get this! *fifteen minutes later* Why does it feel like I’ll never be able to sit down again?

Luis Arraez – 1-for-1, 2 runs, hitting .316 as he wins the AL Batting Title. That’s right, the AL batting title came down to Judge and what we do when a Judge enters a courtroom.

Jonah Heim – 2-for-4 and his 16th homer. Tomorrow is the Razzballies, where I give out some year-end awards, then on Monday I start the recaps of each position, with the catchers first. Jonah Heim makes the top 20, while also being severely terrible. So complimentary!

Matthew Liberatore – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.97. This start was vs. the Pirates, who are known for searching for booty, and Liberatore sounds like a pharmaceutical, which has a long list of symptoms, including diarrhea, so this checks out. Or maybe I should say “cheeks out.”

Framber Valdez – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.82. Astros giving 30% effort, and still absolutely eating up the Phils is so funny. Phils out there like, “We are a playoff team!” Then getting four hits in the next 15 innings is an echoing chef’s kiss that ping-pongs off lips of people saying, “Whiz wit.”

Clayton Kershaw – 5 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.28, ending the year 196 strikeouts short of 3,000 for his career (won’t happen next year), and 4 wins short of 200 (should happen in 2023). Kershaw or Koufax? Think it’s Kershaw, and as a half a Jew it hurts me to say, especially since I’m typing this on Yom Kippur. Definitely going to hell. Also, as for fantasy, don’t let me ever say a guy is old and that’s why we’re avoiding him.

Freddie Freeman – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer. Also, in this game Treat Urner (2-for-4, 3 RBIs) hit his 21st homer too. Freeman = Treat for homers is gee-dee goofy. That they both landed in the elite on the Player Rater shows you there’s more than one way to skin a cat. Meouch, is what a cat says when being skinned, by the way.

Cody Bellinger – 2-for-4 and his 19th homer. Seriously, though, in this sentence, “Janie goes into the pancake restaurant with…MeHOP, IHOP or MyselfHOP?”

Ezequiel Tovar – 1-for-3 and his 1st major league homer. Gonna be the future at shortstop in Colorado! Unless the Rockies trade for Miguel Cabrera, impressed by video they saw of him playing 3rd base in 2003, which moves McMahon to shortstop.

Matt Olson – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 34th homer, hitting .240. I could do a little b’ing and m’ing at how awful Olson was at times this year, but he homered off a guy named Nardi, and that made me laugh. What’s Nardi’s best pitch? “Italian-American food without worrying you’re gonna get robbed.” That sounds like it would be Nardi’s pitch.

Corbin Burnes – 3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.94. This is the first time in a while I can remember not being 100% sure who I’m going to rank 1st for pitchers (and not draft). Verlander, Burnes, and Sandy have to be in the running. Well, Ohtani, but he’s a hitter too, so doesn’t count. Or he counts too much. You figure that part out.

Corbin Carroll – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. I’m already psyching myself up to be so pissed off when Corbin Carroll is randomly benched the 1st week of next season. This kind of ulcer can only be formed by a hobby.

Nico Hoerner – 1-for-2, 3 runs and his 20th steal, hitting .281. Why am I so excited about Hoerner already for next year? Ugh! Me so Hoerny!

Franmil Reyes – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer. Still think the $54 Vending Machine Steak is gonna eat next year, but how hungry will we need to be to get in on that? My guess is the ADP will be virtually free, so $54 Vending Machine Steak for $0? That sounds yummy!

Jonathan India – Didn’t play. Just perfect. Enjoy your winter, Did Not Playa.

Vinnie Pasquantino – 2-for-4 and his 10th homer. Ay, oh, Vinnie Pasketti, leave the gun and take the counting stats!

David Villar – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th and 9th homer. The difference between David Villar and Aaron Judge is the Giants decided to wait until August to rub magical pixie dust on newspaper clippings of Jonathan Villar’s DFA news. If Giants want to invent a great player in April, they will. Don’t doubt them.

J.D. Martinez – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 15th and 16th homer. Just Doubles having one last Just Dong game for old times’ sake. Prior to this game, all year this was him: Just Dong leaning into a microphone, “I Just Dong for you,” and we see the microphone is attached to a Ring doorbell, and he’s just announcing himself at an old age home, where he’s thinking of retiring.

Vidal Brujan – 1-for-2 and his 3rd homer. Watch him hit 17 homers in the playoffs and everyone is like, “Brujan is now a top 100 player wowie-we-wow!”

Mitch Haniger – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 11th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Damn, if only the Mariners would’ve been rained out every game in the month of May through September, Haniger could’ve been healthy for most of the season!

Julio Rodriguez – 1-for-2 and his 28th homer, hitting .284. When I bid $12 out of $100 on him in the first week of FAAB, I won him by $10, and, at that point, I began to second-guess my better sense. Was I a fool for rookie nookie? Did I deserve ridicule? Mockery? The dreaded Razzing?! Turned out, it was my brain they would ask to preserve in formaldehyde to be studied in a hundred years when the chimps are running this planet.

Stephen Vogt – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 7th homer, as he homered in his last MLB at-bat. Some extremely positive exit polls for Vogt.

Mike Trout – 2-for-3 and his 40th homer. This guy, always when it counts.

Shohei Ohtani – 5 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.33, 1-for-4. When you have a guy that can’t be compared to anyone in the history of baseball, you have to put respect on his name. I am an Ohstani. Should Judge win the MVP? I can see the case for it. He has had one of the best seasons in 100 years. Ohtani is merely the greatest thing anyone’s ever seen. Is “Never before” better than “Not in the last 100 years?” Yes. If only we could have co-MVPs. Or maybe the Yanks trade for Ohtani this offseason, and re-sign Judge. Then the Yanks get the equipment manager to make a conjoined twins jersey and let them play together, joined at the hip, then we can more equally measure them.