Someone who liked Friday Night Lights but can’t properly recall their favorite character says, “I’m a  Cole Ragans fan.” Well, me too! Ragans learned an all-important lesson: If you don’t let runners on, they can’t trickle down into runs. There’s no crack of the bat epidemic following this Ragans around! Cole R. sinks the A’s! Wait, that’s a pun about home appliances not the late-President. Ragans supplies “retire the side” economics! Better! So, Cole Ragans (6 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.66) threw another great start yesterday. Easy matchup, but he’s been a revelation. He’s why you don’t pay for starters ever, in redraft or dynasty. They come out of nowhere or the good ones just aren’t that good. He’s added four miles per hour (FOUR!) on his fastball, and added a slider that has a .155 xBAA or .208 actual. He already had a change that no one could hit. He now has four pitches, and three great ones (the cutter is iffy). This Ragans should get you aroused without sitting on your lap calling you Mr. T. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Bobby Witt Jr. – 2-for-3 and his 26th homer, 2nd homer in three games, and 3rd homer this week. BWJ has 12 homers since the break. Keep that in mind when you get to Wilmer Flores’s blurb. Ah, writing in a more confusing, less-sequential order!

Ian Happ – 1-for-4, 1 run, hitting .238, 11th steal. Been a dud for most of the season, but the pics he’s got of David Ross in a compromising position seem to be working, because Happ doesn’t move from the three hole. The Cubs even went out and got Jeimer Candelario (1-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .272) and he can’t get out of the 7-hole.

Tarik Skubal – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.06. Funnily enough, Tarik Skubal has been pitching like every other solid pitcher. I mean, he’s supposed to be good, but is actually not good. Somewhere, Alek Manoah is raising a leg of lamb toasting him. Manoah, who by the by, was supposed to report to Triple-A, and instead just stayed in a Holiday Inn Express, hoping that would fix him.

Kerry Carpenter – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 20th homer. My God this guy is like jumping out of a plane, yelling “Geronimo,” but the parachute gets stuck on the plane’s wing and the plane then flies directly into the sun. My Buy last Friday might’ve been the best one of the season. To see this week’s before Friday, get the Patreon.

Michael Kopech – 4 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 4.95, but left with leg cramps. Don’t worry, White Sox fans, the organization is about to take a turn in a new direction, they fired everyone in the front office, and re-hired Tony La Russa.

Paul DeJong – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 14th homer. Colonel Mustard in the library with the King James Bible, the Unofficial LeBron biography!

Wilmer Flores – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer. I’d say schmotato, and he is that, but he’s also been hot since the break. He has 10 homers in the 2nd half; Matt Olson leads the majors with only 14. Wilmer’s tied for fifth since the break.

Camilo Doval – 0 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.09. Sigh. At the worst possible time too. He’s the first Giants’ pitcher to blow a save in four straight outings. They have to try one of the Rogerii. Tyler before Trevor, for me, no idea for their mom and dad.

Trea Turner – 1-for-5, 2 runs and his 15th homer. Treat Urner just needed some positive reaffirmation, and he plays in Philly. Ha!

Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 34th homer. We (me) don’t talk enough about how Schwarber only hits homers and hits leadoff all year. Sure, he takes some walks, but not nearly enough (.332 OBP). Bryson Stott is just sitting right there too!

Shohei Ohtani – 2-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 44th homer, and 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.14. He left the first game, due to arm fatigue. I formed a prayer hexagon on my own, and, you’re welcome, he returned for the 2nd game of the doubleheader.

Nolan Schnauel – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI (5 BBs), hitting .368. Nolan Schanuel is the 1st rookie to reach safely 8+ times in a doubleheader since 2003. Schnauel No. 5!

Elly De La Cruz – 3-for-10, 3 runs, 6 RBIs and a slam (11) and legs (21). I’m Wild On E!

Matt McLain – 3-for-8, 5 runs, 3 RBIs with a slam (15) and double legs (12, 13), hitting .297. Gonna draft all Reds hitter next year, and they’re gonna move back their fences the day before the season by 150 feet.

Isaac Paredes – 1-for-4 and his 25th homer. You get good nuggets sometimes from local announcers, and they said Paredes was playing shortstop because they wanted his bat in the lineup. Um, I thought you had Basabe for that! Rays love to call up top prospects and not play them. This puts a little damper on my Basabe excitement, but too early to say.

Aaron Civale – 5 IP, 3 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.59, as he allowed his 1st homer as a Ray. Ooh, I just thought of something, they should do a Liotta Night and wear unis with that Ray. RIP.

Elias Diaz – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer. Hey, only missed out on 12 homers since I dropped Raleigh for Diaz. Not bad!

Yordan Alvarez – Missed 2nd straight game after jamming finger in door. I’m not saying I could hit a home run, but I’ve never missed one day of work misoperating a door.

Jose Abreu – 1-for-5, 1 RBI as he was activated from the IL. My teams are saved!

Chris Sale – 5 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.68 vs. Jose Urquidy – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.48. Trust neither of these guys, so let me quickly say Fiona Apple’s last album is so good. I know! I would make fun of someone saying that too, but seriously!

Adam Duvall – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer. Now three homers in three games. When Duvall gets hot, he stays smoking for weeks at a time.

Aaron Judge – 3-for-4, 6 RBIs and 3 homers (25, 26, 27). Honestly, more shocked about Luis Severino’s start (6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 2 Ks, ERA at 7.26) or that Giancarlo (0-for-4) is now hitting .193. Judge should be hitting three homers every game. He’s 7’2″ and 750 lbs of muscle in a playpen of a stadium. The games when Judge doesn’t hit three homers should be the big story.

Anthony Santander – 2-for-4 and his 22nd and 23rd homer, hitting .250. Left early but it sounds like his back is fine because his post-game interview had the vibes of “I just took a quick jaunt to the chiropractor and I have better realignment than the proposed new divisions after MLB expansion.”

Dean Kremer – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.31. Ugh, I wanted to start him, but I was seeing competing reports about who was starting yesterday, and didn’t grab Kremer. Stupid George Soros-backed Streamonator!

Marcell Ozuna – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 28th homer. He’s a top 20 outfielder on the Player Rater. Yup, and yup.

Charlie Morton – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at…Guess. You can be within .30 and be right. Go ahead. He’s struggled, right? He has a 3.37 ERA!

Seth Lugo – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.70. Weird that I spent seven years saying Lugo should be a starter, then, when the Mets finally let him go, and he became a starter, he’s great. Very, very weird. No one could’ve saw this coming.

Robert Suarez – Was ejected, due to a sticky substance found. Very embarrassing if that’s NOT what I think it is.

Xander Bogaerts – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. I won’t recommend him next year, but, if you happen to draft him, please trade him after April.

Corbin Burnes – 6 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.65. Nothing says an ace like a three-six-five ERA. I won’t hear it from the peanut gallery! I must draft a starter in the top 15 overall! They are great! Gimme gimme! Is my sarcasm coming through?

Willy Adames – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 21st homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. About to start calling Willy by his new name, “Dong.” “Would ya believe another homer?” That’s Dong Adames.

William Contreras – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 13th homer. Contreras Bros. coming into this year looked on the cusp of becoming the DiMaggios of catchers. Now they’re like Sal Fasano 1 and Sal Fasano 2.

Tyrone Taylor – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer. When he should come up to bat, it should be in black and white, because he sounds like a matinee idol. “Here’s Tyrone Taylor now, escorting his dame, Jean Acker.”

Royce Lewis – 1-for-5, 2 RBis and his 5th homer. Lewis is (stutterer!) a star, if he can stay healthy. That “if” is the size of the Grand Canyon.

Michael A. Taylor – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and a homer. Guess how many homers he has. Go ahead! Take a wild guess! Or guess how many more homers he has than Jose Abreu! Almost double! Taylor’s got 17.

Kenta Maeda – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.22. Not his best start of late, but he’s been solid for a few months, and Streamonator loves his next.

Zach Thompson – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.86. A little intrigued for NL-Only leagues, but his aim is worse than a 3-year-old getting potty trained.

JoJo Romero – 2 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.55, as he got the save. Mean’s while, Gallegos has pitched 1 1/3 IP, since 8/10. Mmkay!

Ke’Bryan Hayes – 2-for-5 and his 9th homer. Char’lie Hayes and Cher’singer’s son has had himself a decent month of August. It’s not just one month, either. He had a solid June too (3 HRs, .337). His July wasn’t good, because he missed all of it with an injury. I know, two months does not make a superstar, but keep in mind Hayes was a one-time top prospect — a 60-grade guy with all the tools you’d want, supposedly.

Oneil Cruz – His rehab has hit a roadblock, and his foot is sore. It’s with much regret I must admit that we’re likely better off if he just comes back fresh next year, and doesn’t push it this year. I will now sob into my ice cream. I have the Häagen Sadz.