Chourio and Brewers’ Tater Barrage Is The Papas To Atlanta’s Bravas

Brewers rang the bell of Ding Dong City and said, “Ding Dong, we’re home. We’re now the Mayors here. Hit the bricks. Yes, we have paperwork to prove it! What do we look like? Squatters?” Then the Brewers pulled out yesterday’s box score and showed them their paperwork for the keys to Ding Dong City. It was 3 AM when they did this, and Travis Shaw, groggily, was forced out of his house. Ugly scene. Starting the Dong Attack, William Contreras (3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs) as he hit his 13th homer. Next up was Jackson Chourio (3-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 13th and 14th homer), who we should spend a little time on. In the last month, he’s hitting near-.350 with five homers, and has moved up to the top three slots in the order. In June, he had 4 HRs and hit .315. The season didn’t start well for Chourio, but he is absolutely showing why he was a top three prospect, and is already getting my caboose fired up for next year. Next up, Garrett Mitchell (2-for-4, 3 runs) hit his 2nd homer. Garrett Mitchell a platoon outfielder, and shampoo entrepreneur. Next we have Jake Bauers (1-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, 9th homer) who should teach an offseason seminar at a local Ramada about perseverance because he’s stayed in the majors for six seasons without one good one. And we round up the dong-up with Willy Adames (2-for-4, 2 runs, and his 20th homer) who is putting up perhaps the quietest top five shortstop a top five shortstop has ever been. All of this was made possible by the great Charlie Morton (2 2/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 4.47). Might be using the word ‘great’ wrong there. You know you shouldn’t be starting someone in your fantasy league who, when they’re pitching, you can’t even stomach watching them. Yet — again with some stank — YET! Here I am starting this absolute bozo. Named Morton because he’s salt in my wounds! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Austin Riley – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer. Cool, now hit the same amount of homers in six weeks as you did in the last four months.

Marcell Ozuna – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 33rd homer. Did they put the bouncy balls in now to deaden our senses for when they’re being used in the playoffs? Who’s to say? (Manfred. Manfred is to say.)

Edward Olivares – Designated for assignment by the Pirates. The Royals pointing, “See! It wasn’t us!”

Luis L. Ortiz – 6 IP, 4 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.40. The L. stands what you’re taking by picking him up.

David Bednar – 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 5.77, and now four straight appearances allowing a run. Feels like we’re going to get a phantom IL stint and Aroldis is going to take over. It sucks, but imagine how I feel starting Morton and having Bednar and getting tagged with 11 ER in 3 1/3 IP. Not great, Bob!

Joey Bart – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .270. Joey Bart will be in this afternoon’s Buy column. If this doesn’t get you incredibly excited to read that column at noon PST or 3 PM EST, you need your blood pressure checked. You might be dead.

Manny Machado – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer. Macho, macho Machado!

David Peralta – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. David Peralta. Dot dot dot. Now there is a name I have not thought about for a while.

Randy Vasquez – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.63. If Randy makes you randy, seek medical attention immediately. Dial 911 and tell them you can’t control your impulses. Do it! Right now! You freak!

Bryan Woo – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.27. Damn, Woo threw almost 90 pitches. He went almost seven innings. Check him out! Soon Ric Flair’s gonna start yelling, “Bryan Woo!” And not just his last name.

Luke Raley – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 14th homer, and 2nd homer in his last two games. Sadly, it wasn’t the M’s last two games, which is the bugaboo in the ointment. He has three homers in a week, so maybe this gets him on the field more, but I have my doubts. Lefties who don’t platoon are basically as rare as starters who go deep.

Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-4 and his 17th homer. He had six homers as of July 6th. [putting hands together] Lord, I see what you’ve done for Eugenio, do that for Ernie Clement. Oh my God, I have Ernie Clement on a team.

Jake McCarthy – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .299. Went to the Player Rater to see if McCarthy is above Corbin Carroll because I like to give myself ulcers. He is not. Yet.

J.T. Realmuto – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 8th homer. Jerry Tomato ketchup’d up that one!

Carlos Estevez – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 2.27, and his 1st save for the Phils. Ever since they traded for Estevez, it’s been pretty clear Hoffman’s been moved out of the 9th for Estevez, but yesterday sealed it.

TJ Friedl – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Said the other day I was starting to think Friedl was a 2023 fluke. Okay, prove me wrong, Friedl.

Hunter Greene – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.90. No, this is not the case, but it sure seems like the Marlins are tougher with Edwards leading off than they were with Jazz.

Jazz Chisholm Jr. – 1-for-4 and his 18th homer. Jazz just ahem’d. More like Scat Chisholm.

Oswaldo Cabrera – 1-for-1 and his 8th homer, 2nd homer in two games. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column because yesterday’s homer was a pinch-hit jobber, and therein lies the problem.

Nestor Cortes – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.42. You watch him — and I did — and you’re constantly amazed at how hittable he looks. Just utter bleh. My man lost his rizz, as the kids say.

Nolan Schanuel – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. It is so hard to be a leadoff and corner man for a major league team and be as boring as Schanuel.

Colton Cowser – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 17th homer. You could still get good odds on Cowser winning the AL ROY because it’s so unbelievable. It’s between who? Him and Luis Gil? Always going hitter.

Dean Kremer – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.70. Fun fact! Dean Kremer is the only character from Animal House to ever play in the MLB.

Kevin Gausman – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 2Ks, ERA at 4.42. Shocking that he kept his team in the game vs. the O’s. Not as shocking as how bad he became this year, but still shocking. Next year, Top 60 starters? You want him? You’re crazy.

Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 23rd homer, and missed a cycle by a single. Cake Batter is between Varsho (barely hitting .200) and Horwitz (the team accountant), and they’re pitching to Cake. Sir, that means you have marbles in your head.

Shane Baz – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.30. It’s nice that he’s rehabbing on the Rays’ team, but why are you letting him rehab on your fantasy team?

Brandon Lowe – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, and 2nd homer in three games, and one of the hottest schmotatoes in Schmotatoville. Population: Lowe and a Lowe’s Hardware.

Oscar Colas – Appears headed back to the majors. In absolutely related news, White Sox manager Pedro Grifol was fired. Not sure why. Anyone know? They seemed to be doing well. A career .319 career winning percentage, going 89-190. Not bad in opposite world. Any hoo! Grifol loudly criticized Colas and they hated each other, so maybe Colas returns with some vigor. The White Sox should’ve let Colas deliver the firing news to Grifol.

Tyler Fitzgerald – 2-for-5, 2 runs and 3 steals (8, 9, 10), hitting .316. Now he’s stealing bases? Does he want to get married? Say the word and I will divorce Cougs!

DJ Herz – 2 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.41. Was a victim of a 50-minute rain delay. Or were we the victims? Who’s to say? (I am, we were the victims.) Streamonator hates his next, and I agree.

Kyle Finnegan – 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.64, and the blown save vs. Camilo Doval – 1 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.70, who also blew the save. Some might say, “Geez, these guys suck, why didn’t their teams trade them at the deadline for anything?” And I say you’re missing the big picture here. They just love baseball so much they didn’t want the game to end. That’s beautiful. Respect love.

Luis Garcia Jr. – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (14) and legs (19), hitting .290, as he hits 8th (lol). Yesterday was National Luis Garcia Jr. Day at Razzball. Stan Son gave you his Luis Garcia Jr. fantasy, and Butters gave you his Luis Garcia Jr. fantasy. There were almost as many Luis Garcia Jr. posts yesterday as there are Luis Garcias.

Pete Alonso – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 24th and 25th homer. Albombso-so!

Mark Vientos – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .273. Inner monologue, “Don’t do it! Don’t do it! Don’t do it! Don’t do it!” Ugh! I can’t stop myself! Vientos’s year prorates out to 35-homer season!

David Peterson – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.34. Would’ve been better starting Peterson in Coors over Charlie Morton. Say goodnight, Grey. Goodnight, Grey.

German Marquez – Won’t return in 2024. He’ll be working as a dentist in Brooklyn who’s living off ill-gotten diamonds while Dustin Hoffman runs in marathons.