First, a story. There was a young boy named Donkey Dong Jr. who worked at the barrel station of Niagara Falls. He would rent barrels to tourists who wanted to go over the waterfalls in a barrel that was deemed to flimsy to hold wine in Napa Valley. Then, one day, Robert Juiced Manfred showed up at his barrel station with a truck filled with baseballs that he was bringing back over the border from Guatemala. See, he drove north from Guatemala, and Waze had him detour through Canada and back into the U.S.–Nevertheless! R.J. Manfred stopped for some pop, and Donkey Dong Jr. said, “You’ve come to the right place,” and grabbed a barrel with his hands, swung it as hard as he could and hit every baseball in that truck 5,000 feet right back to Guatemala. For pop, Donkey Dong Jr. said, “I love to barrel up.” Fin. So, Joey Gallo was the lead buy in an April Buy column. Don’t like to double up on guys in a year, but here we are because you people are slow as molasses dripping down Robert De Niro’s face in Awakenings. Gallo has 50-homer power, and is currently in some kind of zone not seen since McGwire stopped sticking needles into pre-peach-tinted Sammy Sosa. How is he not owned in 50% of leagues? Don’t answer, grab him! Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Welington Castillo – I almost wrote his name as Beef Catsouppo, which would be the name of my restaurant in Paris if I had a lot of money. I’d open Beef Catsouppo, serve the absolute worst American fare bathed in ketchup. All the waiters would be American, but would speak loudly and in a terrible French accent. Not to be a successful restaurant, but just to stick it to the French a little bit.
C.J. Cron – If The Sciosciapath has his way, Cron will never get hot because he’ll bench him right as he starts heating up. Unfortch, The Sciosciapath is his manager, so that cramps the ol’ style a little.
Ryon Healy – Must be nice to be in a league where Healy is available. In my house, Heelys aren’t even available, because I’m wearing them!
Wilmer Flores – “Hello, this is 1-800-Flores, we cry when you cry, how may I direct your call? Are you saying peonies? Or you’ve had an accident at a urinal?” Flores should play 2nd or 3rd with Dominic Smith being called up, but there’s a little risk here. Oh, and I gave you my Dominic Smith fantasy this morning. I’m a giver, snitches!
Tim Beckham – We’ve had about sixteen (two) posts over the last week focused on you picking up Beckham. If you click a player’s name, you’ll see their most recent posts. It’s magic! Plus, it earns me approximately .00000001 of a cent.
Cesar Hernandez – He’s been like a poor man’s Inciarte. I will call him, InTSArte.
Kolten Wong – Imagine if Gallo and Kolten were to marry, then he’d be Donkey Wong Jr. I have no idea who the ‘he’ is in that sentence.
Nicky Delmonico – I know, I know, he’s not great, but, as Teddy KGB would say, check it, pervodkasha, there’s a ton of MI buys, but not really a lot of great corner options, so you need alligator blood.
Ketel Marte – Okay, correcting Teddy KGB on one thing. There’s a few 2nd basemen to grab, but shortstops aren’t deep in the Buys, i.e., check it, pervodkasha, but Ketel is a vodka too.
Ozzie Albies – We’re rich in upside here, but now is not exactly the time you want to be waiting around for upside. In June? Sure. In August, give me guys producing. With that said (Grey’s making a u-turn!), I’d try to hold Albies for a few more games to see if he can do something.
Amed Rosario – See what I said 1/8th of an inch above, or five inches above if talking to a girl.
Jarrod Dyson – In our RCL leagues, Dyson is owned in 80% of leagues (ownership numbers are on all of our tools — ew). 80% owned is about right. Guess how many leagues Dyson’s owned in ESPN leagues, in general. I’m gonna say cut your guess in half and then in half again. He’s owned in 18% of leagues! And that’s up 5% in the last day! He’s going to steal 40 bases this year. Steals are that abundant that you can’t use some SAGNOF?
Manuel Margot – From the vibes I’m getting, I like Margot a lot more than most of you. He’s on a 162-game pace for 20/20 season with a .270 average. Mike Cameron called and said, “Was happy to coach him, but I can’t take credit for that average.”
Matt Belisle – There’s a ton of closers I own right now where I’m hexagonally praying that they wait until October 2nd to resort to being garbage. You know, one day after the season ends.
Shane Greene – The crazy thing, Greene’s putting up numbers where he’s making a case to be a Donkeycorn and drafted next year as such. By the way, don’t ever say ‘as such’ out loud or anyone nearby has the right to punch you.
Blake Treinen – Has been passable, which sounds worse than it is, kinda like pulchritudinous.
Tyler Clippard – Fun fact! According to Ancestry.com, Clippard is six cousins removed from being related to a Supercuts.
Trevor Story – Up until this week, these sells were sells, but now they’re more drops, but I’m going to continue to call it Sell, for harmony with past posts. As for Story, well, I wouldn’t call him a Trevorending Story anymore. That feels like a bit of overselling. How about ‘Ending Trevor Story?’ On our Player Rater, he’s ranked around 300 overall. That’s, uh, how do we say? Notta so good. In the last 30 days, he’s been better, but that’s more to do with day 16 thru 30. In the last two weeks, same old Story, and not the old old Story that was actually good.
Miguel Cabrera – Did he get old this fast? Does he have gray-haired, old man brittle bones? “I have gray-haired, old man brittle bones! Watch me creak!” That’s what Miggy said. This Sell sucks, I get it. But it sucks even more to hold onto someone that is bringing down your team for the last two months. Your loyalty is sweet, but save it for your favorite fantasy sports website and lose Miggy.