First off, Rudy is safe. We have him in a padded room with only marshmallows to eat. He’s a bit overcome by the absence of color, but it will be a good distraction while Bryce Harper is touch and go. Before we put Rudy where he wouldn’t hurt himself, Rudy said to me, “If Bryce Harper is hurt, will they cancel the rest of the season?” That’s a frown question, bro. Lie down, Rudy. It’ll be okay. Actually, could you lie down with your head hanging off the couch? You’re gonna leave a Soul Glo stain. I’m sure Rudy isn’t the only one feeling a bit woozy hearing Harper hurt himself last night. The entire eye black industry hangs in the balance. He left yesterday’s game with an apparent injury and that turned into an apparent diagnosis of an apparent bad bruise in his apparent side. Thanks for the apparency. This sounds like a day-to-day thing rather than a 15-day DL thing. So the worst thing that may come of this is for the next few days you won’t get as drunk if you take a tequila shot every time someone on Baseball Tonight mentions Harper. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Stephen Strasburg – After being declared “structurally perfect,” the Strasborg has been cleared to start on Saturday. At the press conference, he said, “I must kill the Queen.”
Jordan Zimmermann – 8 IP, 0 ER, 2 Hits, Zero Walks, 8 Ks. For JZ, 99 problems but a pitch ain’t one.
Paul Maholm – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks. Really matched Zimmermann about as well as you could expect. Wish I owned Maholm, which is the highest of compliments. Right after it in the Pantheon of Compliments comes, “Yo, girl, that’s a fine badonkadonk!”
Justin Upton – 1-for-3. Bum!
Matt Joyce – Hit his 6th homer, the fourth this week. Just put your password in the comments and I’ll pick him up for you. If your password is “Greyisadoofus,” that’s not cool; we were friends over the internet!
Luke Scott – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. On this short schedule day, grab him immediately since he faces Ervin Santana.
Coco Crisp – Hit the DL with his hamstring strain. But a Crisp hammy sounds so good!
Brett Anderson – Placed on the DL with a sprained ankle. May of 2011 was the last month he got through without an injury. Cust sayin’.
Johnny Cueto – Rehab start on Friday and set to rejoin the Reds mid-May. Maybe because he face-kicked Jason LaRue and put him out of baseball or because he pitches for the Reds, but I always think of Ivan Drago with Cueto. Right now, Cueto is on a fancy treadmill with a heart rate monitor while Cingrani runs up the side of a snowy mountain. Meanwhile, Mike Leake sits on a toilet reading an Archie comic.
Brandon Phillips – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. He now has 26 RBIs, 2nd in NL RBIs behind ‘What the Buck?!’ BP is doing a better job at cleaning up for the Reds than in the Gulf Coast.
Ryan Raburn – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs. I’ll grab him for your team too when I log in.
Michael Brantley – 3-for-5, 1 run. As with just about everyone on the Indians, Brantley is also smoking hot. .370 in the last week and 7 for his last 15. Mr. Hot Schmotato Head isn’t just a phrase that has Playskool suing for trademark infringements, it’s also Brantley.
Trevor Bauer – 5 IP, 1 Hit, 6 BBs, 5 Ks. That’s about as ugly as a five inning game you can have while not allowing any earned runs. Even if the Indians don’t send him back down, which is the plan, I’d be very careful of him.
Drew Stubbs – 2-for-4, 1 RBI and 5 for his last 8. It appeared he was also robbed by Laynce when he Nix’d his homer.
Clay Buchholz – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks. Jeopardy style, “The Weeknd should do an Unchained Melody remix, and the video can be Clay Buchholz sitting between Hologram Patrick Swayze’s legs.” “Alex, why I am not in the music industry?”
Mike Carp – Had a pinch-hit homer. His 2nd day in a row with a homer, but he’s not playing every day. Against righties this year, .480 with 2 homers in 23 ABs. Some of them try to hit righties, but can’t hit righties like this…Some of them try to hit righties, but can’t hit righties like this…Some of them try to hit righties, but can’t hit righties like this… R.I.P. Kriss Kross.
Tim Lincecum – 5 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks. But he pitched so well on 4/20. Hey, wait a minute!
Hunter Pence – 2-for-4, 2 runs and a slam & legs. Both his fifth homer and steal. Pence is hilarious, in the totally not hilarious way, that it’s like he’s trying to balance his steals and homers. Get one, you gotta get the other. <pipe dream>Here’s hoping he gets 30 homers! </pipe dream>
Brandon Belt – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs with his 3rd homer and 2nd in three days. Playing like that he’s gonna move out of the 8-hole. Playing in the 8-hole really hurts his value.
Ichiro Suzuki – 2-for-4, 1 run. He’s hitting close to .400 in the last week, so if anyone in your league got fed up with his slow start, now would be the time to react, unless you’re De Niro in Awkenings, then just have Robin Williams pick him up for you.
Kevin Gausman – There’s some speculation that the 4th overall pick in the last draft might be in Baltimore soon. Soon is relative here to Uncle Not That Soon. I think late-June is probably the earliest with early-August more likely. Why do you care? Well, with Bundy on the couch, scratching himself and waiting for his elbow to heal, Gausman could be the next arm called up for the 5th spot in the O’s rotation and he’s been utterly dominant in Double-A. How’s 29 Ks and 1 walk in 28 2/3 IP sound? Yummo! He has number one starter upside and should be owned in AL-Only and keeper leagues already.
Manny Machado – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. I’m wearing a sexy policeman costume and singing Macho Man.
Scott Atchison – 2 IP, 0 ER. Is this guy 55 years old? Someone buy him a nose hair trimmer.
Jordany Valdespin – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs with another pinch hit homer. I get it, the Mets fans loved themselves some pinch-hitting extraordinaire Rusty Staub, but they’ll learn to love the Harry Potter character, Lord Jordany Valdespin. Is Lagares, who sounds like a disease you don’t want, or Ma. Byrd really that good? I will shank Byrd! Did Valdespin sleep with Terry Collins’s wife? Did he sleep with Terry Collins and not call the next day? WTB, Mets?! Valdespin’s not a goddamn teenager’s game where you spin a bottle to make up your lineup card, he’s your 2nd best outfielder!
Dillon Gee – 5 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 1 K vs. the MIA Marlins with the conshellation prize. You know it’s bad when you can’t even imagine who could’ve got to Gee in this game. Seriously, take a moment and try to think who might’ve got a hit, let alone score four runs. Sorry to underestimate you, but you can’t.
John Buck – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs. He leads the NL in RBIs, which is the official sign of the Catcherpocalypse. Also, Buck’s taken the clean-up spot from Ike Davis. I wonder if Davis’s 2nd half surge last year simply means he’s drinking the PABST with the Post-All-Star Break Stats. Or maybe Ike Davis has short-term memory and keeps forgetting what the coaches are saying to him. Someone needs to tattoo his arm, “Move closer to the plate, you jack-hole!”
Marcell Ozuna – 2-for-4. The Ozuna family crest is a windmill with a ball passing, but he could be some temporarily relief in deep leagues where you lost GC. *crossing myself*
Mark Ellis – Headed to the DL with a strained right quad. His left quad said, “You’re letting us down, man!”
Josh Beckett – 4 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. Barf. The good news is he’s been pretty unlucky with his homers allowed and his K-rate has been solid. Unfortunately, unless you play in a Netanyahu league these things don’t really help you. I’d hold him for now (preferably on my bench).
Howie Kendrick – 3-for-4 and his 4th homer. Kyle, Howie, Lamarr… It’s the year of the Kendricks. Or is that Kendrickii? Kendrys? No, not that schmohawk.
Mike Trout – 2-for-4, 2 runs, and a solo homer, his 3rd. During his home run trot, he drank a protein shake.
Cliff Lee – 6 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks. I wouldn’t be too concerned. What’s the chances he has two mediocre starts in a row? That is pretty *pinkie to mouth* unlike Lee.
Domonic Brown – 2-for-4. Honestly, I’m not sure what I’m rooting for here. He gets hot and Charlie Manuel benches him or he stays meager and Manuel keeps playing him. What am I rooting for? Someone tell me. Are you there, God? It’s me, Grey.
Andrew Cashner – 4 IP, 4 ER. The dreaded Hodgepadre that you can’t feed after midnight, expose to direct sunlight or start in away games. Obviously that would reduce his value tremendously if he’s strictly a Petco play. I would hold him for his next start vs. the MIA Marlins in Petco.
Chase Headley – 2-for-4 with his 3rd homer and his 6th RBI. Not a huge deal…if you’re a lead-off hitter, but he’s the Padres number three hitter. Why isn’t Alonso batting 2nd? I mean, I know you’re gonna lose, but have some self-respect and try to win!
Jedd Gyorko – 1-for-3 with his 1st homer. That’s how you do it, Gyorko! He must get in a ton of fights that are tedious when they start. “Nah, man, I was really insulting you.” “Oh, I thought you were just saying my last name.” “Why, is your last name ‘scumbag?'” “No, the Jerko part.” “Well, I said ‘You’re a scumbag, Jerko.’ So that’s an insult either way, isn’t it? Can we just fight?”
Michael Saunders – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 1 RBI and his 4th steal. This guy is a house of smoke. Stop, drop and roll me some hits, Saunders!
Michael Morse – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. Beep, boop, boop has done it again.
Lance Lynn – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks and first NL starter to five wins. It’s like he’s only facing Ike Davis in the first half. Unfortunately, his 2nd half last year was also like he was only facing a 2nd half Ike Davis.
R.A. Dickey – His MRI came back clean after a funny mishap where the nurse read his last name, heard he had trouble and sent him to a urologist.
Scott Feldman – 9 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 12 Ks. Damn, if only Corey Haim lived to see Feldman’s career game. As for Scott, he’s a solid number two. I’m not talking about the number he is in anyone’s rotation.
David DeJesus – 2-for-5. Still hot. Still schmotato.
Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-4 with his 4th steal. Give Au Shizz back his sneaky speed!
Conor Gillaspie – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer. Yeah, he’s out-hitting Mostsuckass. *walks into traffic*
Jeff Baker – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer in as many days. Ha, the Rangers found the perfect complement to David Murphy. Lefty killer and all-around Lothario, Jeff Baker. For those in daily AL-Only leagues, I’d grab Baker and platoon him.
David Hernandez – 1 IP, 3 ER. That’s one way to make your Putz feel more secure. I would’ve went with skin-tight jeans, but both work.
Tommy Milone – 7 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks. As his wont — it’s his wont, y’all! — he does well in home games. That’s a nugget to store in your mental cheek for later, Squirrelly.
Matt Garza – This isn’t old fashioned funny because it’s funny, but I found it hee-larious that Garza is going to make “at least three more rehab starts.” The Cubs are like, “Just throw an inning or two, we don’t care. Just please, in the name of Saint Santo, let Garza be healthy enough by July so we can trade him.”
Matt Harrison – Had a setback that required surgery. He could return in about three months. On a side note, I want to both punch and touch Nicki Minaj in obscene places. It’s an odd felling to have. She’s a daily double on the scale of FMK.
Pedro Florimon – 2-for-4 with his 2nd steal. Good to see he can still run after signing that endorsement deal with Florsheim.
Chris Parmelee – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. I bet he can’t hit 15 homers over the course of the season. Prove me wrong. Or are you chicken, Parmelee?
Neil Walker – Might be headed to the DL, complaining he can’t grip a bat. Sounds more like a gripe.
Starling Marte – 1-for-5 with his third homer. Love the power from Marte, but we might need Al Gore, aka Captain Planet, to investigate the air pressure these past few days in Milwaukee.
Yuniesky Betancourt – 1-for-4 with his 7th homer. Maybe Selig took my advice and added my XFL-inspired idea where each team is given a one player exception to take steroids. Oh, wait, the Brewers already have one exception.
Carlos Gomez – 2-for-4 with his 5th homer. A dairy farmer by the name of Mildred writes in from Fond du Lac, Wisconsin, “I play Go Carts with my two cousins and sometimes they feel on me funny–” Okay, I’m not sure how that letter made it past our screeners.
Hiram Burgos – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. He didn’t show much K-potential in the minors or in his first two starts. I’d Hiram for parties perhaps (Burgers from Burgos; Meatballs from Axford) but not for my pitching staff.
John Axford – 2/3 IP, 3 ER as he showed his patented Axford Body Spray. Smells like fourteen boys with bad acne who skateboard.