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We’re back with what I like to call: My Conspiracy That Getaway Day Is The Best Day For Pitching. Am I wearing a tinfoil hat? Yes, what’s the alternative? I forgot my Big Jugs trucker hat and you want me to get melanoma? That’s awful, friend. This conspiracy theory, that the lamestream media is saying is more misleading than The Clinton Kill List, might just be confirmation basis, but, I ask you, gentle reader with a fading hairline, what good is a confirmation basis if that shizz ain’t confirming anything? I got more blind spots than an Airstream trailer, but I see every pitcher around baseball yesterday pitching well, and I ask you, take my hand and follow me to Conspiracy Loonloon Land. Take my hand metaphorically! Let go of my hand, you weirdo! So, Kodai Senga (6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.95) threw another gem. Was it because it was Thursday? Who’s to say? (It was.) I begged people to draft Senga this year, as he was going around 175 overall and an absolute steal. Speaking of which, I present to you frequent commenter, Oaktown Steve’s comment from yesterday that everyone should read:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

This is George Kirby’s fault. He has polluted the minds of Major League Baseball, far and wide. George Kirby has pricked everyone’s brain and seeped his early curfew pitch count into their brain custard. It is so prevalent, Dusty Baker, the guy who once threw Aaron Harang, The Harangutan, for 178 pitches in a 9-1 game just to see if he could get his arm to fall off. Dusty Baker who once said to Mark Prior, “I don’t know if you ‘need’ an elbow.” That Dusty Baker pulled Hunter Brown with a no-hitter after 78 pitches in the 5th inning, having struck out 7 guys (and walking two)! Dusty Baker did that? What’s next, David Ross not batting Mike Tauchman leadoff? Don’t even get cute! So, Hunter Brown has some of the prettiest peripherals I’ve seen, and am tempted to say he could be a number two next year with a chance to be an ace. He has thrown too many innings though, so glad Dusty pulled him. *dodges tomato* What? Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The Braves/Phils is America. It’s just excess on top of excess. It’s beautiful. It’s like a blooming onion on top of poutine. Sure, one of those things is Australian and one is from Montreal, but that’s exactly right. America co-ops your excess and makes it more excessive in the rebrand. That’s the Braves/Phils. Excessive in its rebrand of baseball. Plus, no pitching. The star last night (for fantasy, at least) is the same star of the last two months since the standing ovation — Trea Turner going 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and a slam (26) and legs (27). When you think about it, Treat Urner started playing well after he received positive reenforcement, like every other Treat Urner I know. Next up in this game was two Braves hitters who have been doing this all year: Matt Olson going 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 51st homer. Praying to Allahson for nine more! Then, we had Ronald Acuña Jr. going 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 37th homer. Tildaddy said you can help him take off his shoes! Then Marcell Ozuna went 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 34th homer. Hey, if the Braves are hitting, I look at the pitcher facing them and think, “If he dies, he dies.” Enter: Zack Wheeler going 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.70. Sadly, he ran into the Braves-saw. Then, not to be outdone for the Phils, Nick Castellanos went 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 23rd homer. The wind was blowing southwest off the Greek God of Hard Contact’s mother’s mustache and the ball sailed out for everyone. Finally, Bryce Harper went 2-for-3 and his 17th homer. On one side of my brain, I’m like, “No two players are the same.” On my other side, I’m like, “Ohtani and Dominguez are going to take two months to hit for power even after they return to games.” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Cubs are calling up Pete Crow-Armstrong, who is little known Pixar character from the movie, The Wowzers. It was a blatant ripoff of The Incredibles, where the main character, Pete Crow-Armstrong idolized Jim Thorpe, went to sleep one night and woke being able to “crow hop” a throw to home from the deepest part of the outfield. A critics’ darling that audience reviews on Rotten Tomatoes called, “Pixar continues to make all female characters’ main attribute their giant rear ends.” So, here’s what Itch said previously, “The surprise prize of the Javy Baez trade, Pete Crow-Armstrong features a quick but simple stroke in a 6’0” 184 lb frame. PCA is a double-plus defender who just posted 16 home runs and 32 stolen bases in 101 games across two levels (in 2022) where he was younger than the league average. He chipped in 20 doubles and 10 triples, slashing .312/.376/.520 on the season. The power has been a nice bonus, considering the profile isn’t dependent upon it. Here’s hoping: His power and my fist into Grey’s head.” Oh cmon! PCA’s gone 20/37 across two levels in 107 games this year. He seems to have a little bit of a contact problem (29.7% in Triple-A), but has speed for an inflated BABIP. I have little interest outside of NL-Only leagues, because I think Pete Crow-Armstrong will be in a platoon, but it’s fun to see what he can do in limited time, and this is promising for 2024 fantasy, and him breaking camp next year. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Can’t believe Corbin Burnes (8 IP, 0 ER, zero hits, two walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.47) didn’t go out there and try to finish the no-hitter vs. the Yankees. This is somehow George Kirby’s fault. Let’s hear what Mark Mulder has to say. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, then bless your ears that they’re in no way polluted by the Hot Takes. Skip ahead to the first blurb if you want to remain that way. On Friday, Kirby said something like he wish he was pulled before the 7th inning because he was gassed. Then old players like Jered Weaver and Mark Mulder jumped on that saying it was the pussification of starting pitchers (told you that you wished you didn’t know). It takes the world’s quickest Google searches to see Weaver used to ask to be pulled from the game in the 7th, and Mulder was so overused in his playing days that he was out of baseball in handful of years, so maybe he should’ve managed his innings better. Old players just completely gaslit by themselves. Hate to see it. Kirby made one mistake: Telling people how he felt. He was gassed, he should’ve been pulled before allowing the home run in the 7th. It makes no sense to baby starters for their entire careers, as they are now, then force them to throw beyond their ability. Kirby should’ve been out of the game, because that’s what starting pitching is now, and how they’re trained. It’s not Kirby’s doing, it’s all starters now. What does this have to do with Burnes? Nothing really, except back in the day they prolly would’ve let him finish the no-hitter. Besides, you know Corbin Burnes is a top five starter, so what’s to say? Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Welcome back to the Mets’ Future Stars Game! Arriving any moment will be Brett Baty, Mark Vientos and Ronny Mauricio. There’s nothing that could go wrong–What’s that? Hmm, this is still a breaking story, but we’re hearing the actor who played the pilot in Lost and the actor who played the pilot in Yellowjackets were flying the young stars to this game. This is a developing story. We can return to discussing the Mets’ offseason trade of Pete Alonso for Jarred Kelenic…” So, Ronny Mauricio seems as surefire as surefire comes. There doesn’t seem a miss in this bat. Been a bit surprised that it seems like the majority of people are interested in Jasson Dominguez and not as much in Ronny Mauricio. I get it; the first at-bat homer helps Jasson’s appeal for right now. I agree, but Ronny Mauricio has better eligibility and, for just this year, he could easily be better. Will he? I’m not a part of the Psychic Friends Network. He could be though, as soon as we locate that plane! Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

So, Adolis Garcia hit the IL with a right knee patellar tendon strain, because the haters won this round! It’s okay the haters lost the round where they drafted Sandy Alcantara in the 2nd round. Though, they won the round where they drafted Acuña, that was a pretty big round. Ya know what? We’re not going to keep score for the Haters vs. Me. I might win some, I just lost Adolis. Sucks. I will cry now for five minutes, please excuse me. *claps hands with wet eyes and snot flying out nose* I’m back, snitches! And up is Evan Carter. Is that Jay Z’s brother, you might be asking. It is, and he’s here for The Blueprint 4. It’s a Hard Knock Life, Vol. 3. Hey, real question: Why does Jay Z label everything with a stupid sequel number? Yo, HOVA, just come up with a new name.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Was listening to Fleetwood Mac’s Everywhere (Remastered) when I saw the news that Jordan Lawlar was being promoted, and the wind chimes playing in the background were perfectly timed as I spun out, arms outstretched, seeing stars because my equilibrium isn’t that good. Then Little Lies by Fleetwood Mac starting playing and all I heard was, “Tell me lies, tell me lies, tell me sweet little young player guys,” and now I don’t know what the Mac is trying to tell me. Do not confuse me, Mac!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I’ll get to Jose Altuve, but, damn, the Astros were like, “Oh, yeah, Rangers, you’re going to challenge us for the division? That’s what you’re going to do?” Mean’s while, Mariners are like, “Hey, what about us?” Okay, now the lede: Jose Altuve did what? Three homers in three innings? Finishing with: 3-for-5, and his 13th, 14th, and 15th homer, which he hit in the 1st, 2nd and 3rd inning. Mark Whiten must’ve been sweating! I know this is about fantasy, but he’s a first ballot Hall of Famer. I’m not a denier of the Cheaty Cheaty Bang Bang Scandal. I am not an ostrich. But cmon. Has he been cheating every year of his career? Fine, wanna dock him one year for cheating? Do whatever you want, but he’s a Hall of Famer. I’m not just saying this because we’re the same height. Fine! It is that reason! Us Short Kings get one guy every 20 years, let us have Altuve! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

There’s no point in me pointing out that I wrote a Justin Steele sleeper this preseason. It’s so long ago now! So much has been written since then! Has anything, perchance, been written that was that illuminating that the Pulitzer committee, all 12 people in Switzerland, all drafted Justin Steele in their fantasy leagues? Does it matter that people, who have been stopped on the highway doing 120 MPH, have been allowed to leave after showing the police officer my Justin Steele sleeper? Does it matter that my Justin Steele sleeper has made advancements in medicine to cure the hiccups? No! None of this matters! What matters is I wrote that gee-dee post, snitches! Yesterday, he went 8 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 2 walks, 12 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.55. But that doesn’t even matter! The hiccups are now gone! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Yesterday’s game in Cincy saw the Cubs and Reds combine for 22 runs. So, what’s going on with my son? Elly De La Cruz went 0-for-5 with four Ks? Forget Ticker Tease, that’s Ticker I’m-A-Born-Again-Virgin-From-That-Teasing. Not cool, man! Losing my virginity once was awkward enough! That 22 runs is why I get so scared of Reds starters in Great American Smallpark. It’s dangerous! It’s like if you’re allergic to peanuts and they throw you this:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Rockies’ manager Bud Black was one of the best pitching coaches. It is such the Rockies’ move that they hired him to coach in Colorado. It’s like everything the Rockies do needs to be sent through the “Make Sense Of This Stupidity” Generator. Here, I’ll show you: “Make Sense Of This Stupidity” Generator make sense of hiring Bud Black. “That’s easy, Grey, the Rockies figured he could coach up their pitchers from a 4.75 ERA collectively to a 4.65 ERA, and win one more game.” Brilliant stuff! Hey, “Make Sense Of This Stupidity” Generator, what about the Kris Bryant signing? “Make Sense Of This Stupidity” Generator, you shouldn’t smoke it’s bad for your health–Oh crap! It’s overheating. Someone call for help! So, without the “Make Sense Of This Stupidity” Generator, we’re going to have to figure out Hunter Goodman‘s call-up on our own. Will he play? He absolutely should. I’m interested in all leagues because: 34 HRs in the minors this year at 23 years of age, and he hit .371 in Triple-A (only 15 games), but he makes solid contact for a power hitter. A power hitter in Coors! Sign me up! The only question left is it a coincidence that when Goodrum went to AA, we got back a Goodman? Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?