This post will either be insanely stupid and a terrible use of splits stats or *mimes mind being blown*. Actually, now that I think about it, *mimes mind being blown* doesn’t sound like a positive. Two negatives? A perfect start for a post about Rougned Odor! Owning Rougned Odor over the course of the season is exactly like *mimes mind being blown*. The last time I owned Rougned Odor I repeatedly *mimes mind being blown* at how awful he was. Sometimes I’d watch him swing and miss for roughly 100 straight at-bats and *mimes mind being blown*. I once owned Rougned Odor through a 1-for-seemingly-500 stretch, dropped him and watched him hit five homers in four games on waivers and *mimes mind being blown*. There’s a countless number of *mimes mind being blown* times I can associate with Rougned Odor and none of them are good, frankly. *mimes mind being blown* is a terrible way to think about Rougned Odor — forget I ever said it! I hate him so much! Yet. Dot dot dot. I’m kinda interested, due to his splits. So, what can we expect from Rougned Odor for 2020 fantasy baseball and what makes him a great dart throw?
Please, blog, may I have some more?
Donkey Teeth and I had the pleasure of welcoming Don Zemmer (a sentence I’m sure you expected to read pre-pandemic) to our Patreon podcast.
Who?
Dot dot dot.
Don Zemmer, fools! The guy who sings popular songs using baseball players’ names! Allow me to give you an example for the underknowers and not-yet-appreciators. For the unsubscribed and not-yet-hip-to-the-unhip. For the uninitiated and unsatiated. For the what-the-heck-are-you-talking-abouters and the seriously-fill-me-in-I’m-cluelessers! Here’s some of Don Zemmer’s best:
Please, blog, may I have some more?Thread of songs that hit 100k views
???
1. Star Spangled Banner pic.twitter.com/9FPpMoaO7p
— don zemmer (@DonZemmer) April 12, 2020
The Blue Jays are exciting my nethers, or maybe that’s the extra bleach I’ve been cleaning my underwears in. Yo, you can’t be too careful. Corona coming for me? Bring it on, you pandemic bastard. I’m Kung Fu Fightin’ that shizz with bleach, karate chops and tricks. Excuse me, not tricks, but allusions. Yesterday, I walked my dog Ted while doing The Robot, because the virus doesn’t stick to metal. *points to brain* Smart. Last year Teoscar Hernandez hit 26 homers and stole six bags in only 125 games. Okay, right now, 125 games sounds like the full season plus the playoffs, but you get the picture. Teoscar Hernandez going 26/6 in five months is completely overlooked or nah? Because I’m going with completely overlooked like Julia Garner in The Americans just waiting for her Ruthie role. Can we all bless Ruthie for this line:
Bless her, I demand you! Now I know what it’s like to be a rich old man, because I am crushing on a younger woman. Old was my thing, but Ruthie has changed me. So, what can we expect from Teoscar Hernandez for 2020 fantasy baseball and what makes him a great dart throw?
Please, blog, may I have some more?Let’s start with the drool. Here’s Nate Pearson:
Nate Pearson bending the baseball ? pic.twitter.com/wxF4RKXftk
— Ryan Di Francesco (@RyanDifrancesco) March 1, 2020
Wipes sweat bead from forehead, takes a long drawn-out beat, then, “Damn.” Here’s what else he does to hitters:
This is our last baseball for a while, so enjoy this video of Nate Pearson owning a guy so hard he just chucked his bat at the ball pic.twitter.com/Bjt13NZ0to
— Blue Jays Nation (@thejaysnation) March 12, 2020
Wanna know how good a guy is? Watch how hitters attack, or in this case, try to attack him. These two examples of Nate Pearson’s butter don’t even show his 99 MPH cheddar. That cheese, if you will, is the reason why these hitters are looking so bad. Imagine sitting on a 99 MPH fastball, then this filth is dropped into the zone. You can’t hit anything there without guessing. You sit dead-red heat on his fastball, one of the best in the minors, and he drops in an 86 MPH change or a slider or a curve. Batter, batter, can’t touch butter! You can hope he doesn’t locate on one of the pitches, but last year, across three levels of the minors ending in Triple-A, he had a 119/27 K/BB. Yes, that’s beautiful. I guess you can argue that minor leaguers aren’t waiting on a pitch like major leaguers, but have you seen strikeout rates recently in the majors? Pearson’s going to chew up hitters and spit them into a barrel and send that barrel over Niagara, saying, “Get the f*** out of Canada!” So, what can we expect from Nate Pearson for 2020 fantasy baseball and what makes him a great dart throw?
Please, blog, may I have some more?The last news on Taijuan Walker is from March 9th. The Seattle Times reported, “Walker pitched three innings, allowing one run on four hits with no walks and four strikeouts Monday in Milwaukee’s 2-1 victory. He threw 43 pitches with 28 strikes – featuring a fastball that sat at 93 to 94 mph, that sinking change-up and a vastly improved curveball.” I go with changeup — one word, no hyphen, but other than that, it reads like a dream. *fighting self to not sing it, finally blurting out* It was all a dream, I used to read Word Up magazine. Ugh, sorry, I can’t stop myself whenever I hear or read “a dream,” I break into Juicy. It’s especially annoying when I shoot up in bed at four in the morning, sweating profusely and Cougs comforts me with, “Chester Cheetah is not chasing you, it was all a dream,” and I launch into song. That March 9th report was from Taijuan’s first spring training start (he pitched in “B” games prior), and before we knew there would be 78 days in March. Is it still March? Who’s to say? Not me, I’m not going out on that kind of limb. Just a week prior to that start, Taijuan Walker “wasn’t sharp” in his simulated game and a few months prior to that, I didn’t even rank him my top 100 starters for 2020 fantasy baseball or top 500. So, what gives? Or better yet…So, what about Taijuan Walker for 2020 fantasy baseball and what makes him a dart throw?
Please, blog, may I have some more?I’m prolly the one hundred-millionth person to say this, but how are the San Fran Giants gonna have a prospect named Joey Bart and not Joey BART? Hey, Joey BART, do you have homeless people sleeping on your couch? If you don’t know what I mean, you’ve never been to San Fran. You’re better off, it’s an absolute slum. Los Angeles, where I am, and San Fran have a long-standing rivalry, which I don’t take lightly. I once drove eight hours to San Fran just to take a dump. I hate you, San Fran! I’m absolutely kidding. It’s a beautiful city, but as Mark Twain once said, the coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Fran. At least I think he said it; I’ve never googled it, but everyone in San Fran tells you that quote as some sort of badge of honor. Like being cold in July and August is good. What kind of city is cold in the summer months? Yo, San Fran, are you Australian? I think I see you in California, but you must be in Australia. Any hoo! (Wait, you want more San Fran bashing? Sorry, you need to go across the Bay Bridge for bashing.) Joey Bart is the future of the San Francisco Giants and why Buster Posey will be accumulating the league’s worst stats for a 1st baseman in the case Sooner v. Later. So, what can we expect from Joey Bart for 2020 fantasy baseball and what makes him a great dart throw?
Please, blog, may I have some more?
Razzball Patreon Podcast: Giant Baby vs. Michael Jordan, Who Wins?
April 27, 2020 | Podcast | 107 Commentsby: Grey
This week Donkey Teeth and I (totally normally sentence) talk about how awesome it was that so many people signed up for the Razzball Patreon show, and I get an absolutely bonkers good idea. Seemingly, at the moment the podcast airs I realize that once the season starts, I can start putting up the roundups and Buy/Sell columns early on the Patreon page, so people can get them, and the advice they contain, hours or even a day before everyone else gets them. Then, we talk about the NFBC Best Ball league we were roped…bamboozled…C’mon, thesaurus, hoodwinked into by a bunch of Razzball commenters, and how the league is, being polite, set up in an interesting way. Also, because I am absolutely mystified about all things to do with Repulsive Giant Baby, we discuss that for far longer than anyone could/would imagine. What’s that, you don’t know RGB? You thought RGB was Roy G. Biv? Don’t be silly! I have a tweet for you:
is anyone else just absolutely REPULSED by this giant baby pic.twitter.com/0Un7QQ4kZF
— Yard Sard: A Memoir (@DuckAlertsNOW) April 20, 2020
Then, when the podcast can’t literally get better, it manages to take a turn for the sublime when we talk about the Titans’ NFL Draft War Room and how there might be not one, but two future Joe Exotic husbands there. Finally, (this is not in order), we talk about the Michael Jordan documentary, The Last Dance, and Donkey Teeth has a firsthand encounter with Scottie Pippen. We appreciate everyone who has signed for the show already — it really helps! And everyone who signed up for our ad-free membership. You guys are literally the best. I’d hug ya, but then we’d both get The Rona and that would be it for both of us. Again, here’s the ad-free subscription for $9.99, which helps big-time. To sign up to our show, go here:
Please, blog, may I have some more?With so much up in the air, what better way to spend some time than to think about some dart throws for the 2020 fantasy baseball season when (shut up with your if’s) it starts. Dart Throws, I look at like this — you are drafting and you wanna gamble on someone, but you’re not sure who to gamble on — in these uncertain times, anything could happen, so why not make a few huge swings to see if they pay off? It’s a batter up 3-0 and they guess fastball. If you miss, so what? Count’s still in your favor. These players won’t exactly line up to their projections in my 2020 fantasy baseball rankings. Some of them aren’t even in my rankings. With these darts, I’m aiming for the ceiling. (Good for fantasy baseball, not great for actual darts.) I will also go around the horn with some guys at different positions, though not in order, because I didn’t want to begin with catchers. Enough with your goddamn catchers! If you want this in plain English, I like these players more than my rankings might show as last round sleepers in any league. First up, for this once-was-an-extremely-deep sleeper who is now a gamble-worth-taking sleeper (do you see why I’m just calling them dart throws? Bit easier to wrap your lizard tongue around, you alien freak!) is Wander Franco, the number one prospect on the top 200 prospects for 2020 fantasy baseball. So, about Wander Franco for 2020 fantasy baseball and what makes him a great dart throw:
Please, blog, may I have some more?Day 17,881 of Quarantine and I ran into an old friend of mine at the supermarket. We wrestled over a roll of toilet paper and he tried to pull my mask off my face, but I’ve glued it on. A muffled laugh as I kicked him in the groin and walked off with the toilet paper. Cougs and I will be crapping tonight! So, the top 100 starters for 2020 fantasy baseball were updated with new projections for a 100-game season. With this series, I took a look around the 2020 fantasy baseball rankings to see if there’s any differences now that we might only play a 100-game season. Projections have been updated on all my positional rankings. Tomorrow, I’m unveiling a new series, it’s gonna pack a punch. Too bad it’s not packing a lunch. I don’t have a Whole Foods delivery window until the end of May. Anyway, here’s thoughts on the top 100 starters for 2020 fantasy baseball with the new Corona timeline:
Please, blog, may I have some more?Day 1,292 of Quarantine and I’ve started sliding my feet everywhere I go in my house while swinging my arms and screaming to Cougs, “Guess who I am?!” Then she has to try to guess which Olympic skater I am based on my routine. Me, stopping suddenly, glitter top chafing my nipples, making me especially irritated, “Dorothy Hamill?! Are you drunk woman? I’m Maxim Kovtun, you absolute loon!” Honestly, from my selection of Genesis’s I Can’t Dance for my routine, I thought it was obvious. So, the top 80 starters for 2020 fantasy baseball were updated with new projections for a 100-game season. With this series, I will take a look around the 2020 fantasy baseball rankings to see if there’s any differences now that we might only play a 100-game season. Projections have been updated on all my positional rankings. Anyway, here’s thoughts on the top 80 starters for 2020 fantasy baseball with the new Corona timeline:
Please, blog, may I have some more?[brid autoplay=”true” video=”513867″ player=”10951″ title=”RZBL 2020 DraftKit Pitchers 012720″ duration=”149″ description=”” uploaddate=”2020-01-27 23:30:10″ thumbnailurl=”https://cdn.brid.tv/live/partners/9233/thumb/513867_t_1580233368.png” contentUrl=”https://cdn.brid.tv/live/partners/9233/sd/513867.mp4″”]
It’s Day “Thinking about Delilah of Hey There Delilah meeting Virginia from Meet Virginia and what they’d say to each other” of the Quarantine. You know the normal stuff you think about it. The top 60 starters for 2020 fantasy baseball were updated with new projections for a 100-game season. With this series, I will take a look around the 2020 fantasy baseball rankings to see if there’s any differences now that we might only play a 100-game season. Projections have been updated on all my positional rankings. Anyway, here’s thoughts on the top 60 starters for 2020 fantasy baseball with the new Corona timeline:
Please, blog, may I have some more? Razzball Patreon Launch: Get Your Sixteen-Point-Six Cents’ Worth
April 20, 2020 | Podcast | 121 Commentsby: Grey
Hello, I’m Sally Struthers. I’m five-foot-one and tons of fun. You might remember me from All in the Family and ‘Getting you to send a nickel a day to a starving kid in Africa.’ Well, we have a new starving kid. His name is Grey Albright, and he wants more than a nickel per day. He wants… *calculating what five dollars over a month is per day*…Sixteen-point-six cents per day. Man, this guy is greedy eh-eff. For sixteen-point-six cents per day, you can get…*googling around the internet for something you can buy for sixteen cents*…Nothing! Postage alone costs more than that. You can’t buy anything in the world for sixteen-point-six cents per day over 30 days. If it’s a 31-day month, then you only have sixteen-point-one cent, so good luck with that! You just lost five-tenths of a cent and all I did was add an extra day! Don’t even get me started on stupid February. So, Donkey Teeth and I started a Patreon podcast where we talk about absolute utter nonsense. Sometimes, there will be baseball talk, or sports talk if Donkey is the one braying on about it. Mostly, we will talk about movies, TV and other nonsense. This podcast will be in addition to the show I do with Ralph. For unstints, today’s podcast is mostly about coffee, The Americans, stimulus checks, Breaking Bad and Better Call Saul. If I’m being real with you, during the pandemic, our site advertising has been trash. The only flattening of the curve we’ve felt here at Razzball is the one to our bank account. I’m sure we’re not the only ones, so I’m not going to give you the hard sell. I’d prefer you subscribe — for only sixteen-point-six cents per day! — because you want to listen to Donkey Teeth and I rather than feeling like you need to support the site. We will be fine (I hope!), and we’ll get through this. Also, adding, uh, an ad-free subscription for $9.99 helps. To sign up to our show, go here:
Please, blog, may I have some more?