Yesterday, Sonny Gray hit the Disgraceful List with a combination of ineffectiveness and Grey calling him a preseason schmohawk. My schmohawks: Schwarber, Pollock, Gray, Tulo and Sano. If I were Sano, I’d move into the giant bubble that Tulo is apparently living in to still be healthy. Seriously, if you were placing odds in the preseason on which one of those would hit the DL, Tulo would be 10 to 1 odds as the first one; Pollock likely 2nd since he was nursing an elbow issue in the preseason; third would be Schwarber because he was playing a position he had no business playing and bound to run into a wall; finally, Gray because I put the kavorka on my namelganger, which is a magic spell so hideous that no amount of Creoles with an unlimited supply of chickens to sacrifice could reverse that hex. By the by, everything I know of Creole black magic I learned from Angel Heart. Gray has a 6+ ERA, so you can DL him if you have room, but I could see just dropping him if you don’t. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Sean Manaea – 6 2/3 IP, 5 ER. I liked his promise too, but when a guy has an ERA of 7.62, a general rule that is true in all instances, you should not own him on your fantasy team unless he has proven he can have an ERA under 3.50 for a full previous year in the majors. Cut the cord, Obstetrician Bob!
Khris Davis – Sat out yesterday with a sore forearm. Sounds like he was doing too much late-80’s Bash Brother’ing! Where you at, Carney Lansford?! You scary looking ginger!
Billy Burns – 2-for-4, 3 runs and two steals (11, 12), hitting .268. Member in April when you dropped him because he sat two games in a row? Oopsie!
Masahiro Tanaka – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.24. He said after the game, “If you thought a ripped elbow tendon would hold me back, udon know me?!”
Jacoby Ellsbury – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting .275. Day before the All-Star Game idea! A home run derby between guys who once hit more than 25 homers that now can’t hit ten homers. Like you wouldn’t tune in to see Ellsbury, Mauer, Jimmy Rollins and Pablo Sandoval face off.
Brian McCann – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, hitting .258. Doesn’t Ellsbury McCann sound like a Dickens character? Meh, maybe it’s just me.
Michael Pineda – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 6.34. Only 35 more starts like this and Pineda’s ERA will be 3.50 by December.
Pat Dean – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.86 as he took Berrios’s rotation spot. Pat Dean throws around 89 MPH and is not recommended anywhere. Well, anywhere is a little harsh since Pat Dean sounds like she’d make a great college volleyball coach. “Let’s go, Vols!” “Uh, coach, when you scream, your Adam’s apple protrudes.” “Shut up, Kelly, and serve! NET! NET! NET!”
Kevin Jepsen – 1 IP, 1 ER and his 3rd save on Saturday in about five weeks. Oofa, what a terrible fill-in closer he’s turned out to be. I don’t even own Perkins and I wished he’d return soon, so, of course, there was news this weekend that Perkins suffered a setback. Great, another two months of Jepsen, which will equal a 5+ ERA and three more saves.
Drew Storen – Reports are saying the Blue Jays are looking to trade Storen. You know that old joke about how you can tell that all women are crazy because you’ve dated a lot? Actually, that’s not a joke, that’s the truth. Kidding, five girl readers! Listen, if you date a lot and think all women are crazy, all women are not be the problem, you are the problem. Same with Storen. The Nats and Blue Jays aren’t the problem; he’s the problem.
Marcus Stroman – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.89. Exhibit One why owning AL East pitchers leads to high blood pressure: Stroman looks great and now his next start is vs. the Red Sox. Lowercase yay.
Josh Donaldson – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer, hitting .250. Donaldson hit that homer as the 2nd batter of the game, right after Jose Bautista homered (1-for-5, hitting .230). If this fakakta idea of Gibbons to hit Bautista leadoff sticks, reduce his RBI projections by 40.
Williams Perez – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Phils. Oddly enough, Williams’ brother’s name is Phils.
Evan Gattis – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer. Though, I’d be a little more excited with an 0-for-4 and another game caught. The way we’re going Gattis is going to have catcher eligibility for the one-game playoff in October, assuming the Astros make it that far, which is farfetched like Trevor Bauer’s pregame warmup.
Nomar Mazara – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .304. I can only assume Nomar is named after the Red Sox shortstop, Nomar Garciaparra, or his father’s name is Ramon and they got the idea to reverse it from Garciaparra. I look forward to the day there’s a Ramon in the majors and his dad was named Nomar.
Cole Hamels – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.83. JB said to sell him high, don’t look at me! Kidding (in a not funny way), Hamels is still a decent sell high, but he’s likely a 3.45 ERA guy, so it’s not like he’s going to be terrible.
Drew Stubbs – Left yesterday’s game after hurting his toe. In pun-related news, Billy Burns is seeing a urologist.
Jason Heyward – Will miss 3-5 games with bruised ribs. That’ll give some time for a special ops unit to find his OPS, which is currently being listed as covert OPS.
Kyle Hendricks – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 1 Ks, ERA at 3.30. First appearance by a Hendricks in San Fran are since the Monterey Pop Festival, and that was also ruined by a Panik.
Madison Bumgarner – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. Nobody comes into Bum’s home and–Hmm, that’s wrong on every definition of a bum.
Kevin Kiermaier – Broke his two metacarpal bones in his left hand diving for a ball. From research I did on this, it seems David Boreanaz brings wicked chemistry to a crime-fighting role that provides Fox with its first crime procedural success. Maybe when Google asked did I mean “Metacritic Bones,” I should’ve said no. Kiermaier will obviously be out a while, which will give time to Desmond Jennings.
Logan Morrison – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. This is his 2nd homer in the past four games, and I’d prefer to own Toni Morrison on my fantasy team. Of course, I do play in a league with a category for Empowering Black Novels.
Michael Fulmer – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 5.13. This start comes after a roofie start. What I’m saying is he could dominate in his next start or it could be a mess. Rookie pitchers are all over the map like a drunk cartographer’s protractor. Speaking of which, does someone who now studies cartography in college go to their college bookstore to buy a Christopher Columbus sailor hat and a spyglass?
Jordan Zimmermann – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.52, but left yesterday’s game with a groin strain. JZ could need a DL stint or just time with Becky with the good hair.
Miguel Cabrera – 3-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, but left with a knee contusion after being beaned in the patella. Did you know in India they call the patella, ‘That’s my sister’s name?’ I’m filled with all kinds of trivia. Miggy is day-to-day.
Cameron Maybin – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer on Saturday. Dan Pants, no relation to the plaid pants I’m wearing, went over his Cameron Maybin fantasy on Saturday. I agree with him, Maybin should be owned until he disappoints you. Wouldn’t you rather he disappointed you than someone else? Yes, you would, though it seems like the answer there is no.
Mike Leake – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks. Now has three straight solid starts (21 IP, 2 ER), lowering his ERA from 6.03 to its current 4.07. If you think Leake’s ERA is going to stay over 4, you haven’t paid attention to the last 15 years of overachieving Cardinal pitchers.
Jaime Garcia – 2 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 3.59. Now two straight subpar starts from Garcia. Five over-the-internet dollars says he announces some kind of injury within 24 hours of his next scheduled start.
Brandon Drury – 2-for-4, 1 run, and hit his 7th homer on Friday and is hitting .306 on the year. Once upon a Brandon Drury, while I ponder my Utility man, Rickie Weeks and whoever is filled in by Siri…
Ketel Marte – Hit the DL with a sprained thumb. Teammate Seth Smith said, “Thext me you’re okay,” which was a Freudian lisp. Chris Taylor was called up to replace Marte and should see the majority of the fill-in at-bats. You likely remember Chris Taylor from marrying Ben Stiller, but you also might remember Chris Taylor as being the guy most often compared to Brad Miller. Brad Miller? Ben Stiller? Let’s call the whole thing off! I believe that comparison to Miller was conceived when both were good, but would work now that both are not good. Outside of AL-Only leagues, I can’t see grabbing Taylor unless he’s hitting.
Leonys Martin – 4-for-5, 1 run, as he was finally moved to the leadoff spot, and hit his 8th homer on Saturday. Three homers in the last five games and batting over .400 in the last week. Hot schmotato alert!
Adam Duvall – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer. You, “Damn, Duvall is still hot after Grey said to pick him up weeks ago?” Me, “Yes.” You, “Geez, you’re short.” Me, “I’m five-six and three-quarters!”
Matt Shoemaker – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 6.81. The Cobbler looking peachy! Thus far, The Cobbler has been unlucky with men left on base, BABIP and homers allowed. He could easily be a 3.80 ERA pitcher, which doesn’t sound that appetizing, but it could mean a large correction coming that lowers his near-7 ERA down almost three runs.
Joe Smith – 1 IP, 3 ER and the blown save on Saturday. He’s been almost as nice to own as Jepsen.
Albert Pujols – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .228. He could be hitting .255 by next Monday, and .255 is around what I’d expect from him on the year, which is totally fine with 27-30 homers and 95 RBIs.
Mike Trout – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 5th steal. I think I bet someone in the preseason that he’d steal more than 12 bags. Someone needs to unburden themselves! Sorry, watching The Path.
Carlos Perez – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd this week. If you are wondering if you should pick him up, then you should not. Trust me, those who know they need Perez, know who they are.
Jonathan Schoop – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .270 with 25 RBIs. I could see if he were hitting .220, but why exactly isn’t he owned in every league?
Jung Ho Kang – Didn’t start yesterday due to hand discomfort. I.e., Ho down.
Juan Nicasio – 1 IP, 1 ER until rain came and washed the game away. This is my biggest pet peeve. Are we living in an age when you need to thumb to the correct page of The Farmer’s Almanac to get the weather? OR DOES EVERYONE HAVE A FREAKIN’ WEATHER APP ON THEIR PHONE?! Why do you start the game when you know weather is approaching in the next 20 minutes?! This is by far the stupidest thing umpires do, and they do a lot of stupid shizz. The commissioner’s office, mean’s while, is worried about cutting down on balls thrown for intentional walks but can’t say, “Hey, if there’s more than a 60% chance of rain within the hour, don’t start the game, you turdholes!” Yes, I’m simply mad because Nicasio threw one inning for no reason!
Yordano Ventura – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners (4 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 4.81. Hashtag shorthand, hashtag truth, if a guy has more walks than Ks, it’s not a good game.
Todd Frazier – 2-for-3 and his 13th homer, hitting .228. Yes, I’m only adding in his subpar average to make me feel better about trading him away.
Melky Cabrera – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs, hitting .305. He’s been hitting near-.350 in the last week and has raised his average from .298 to .305 in the month of May. Um, that’s not that spectacular, but he’s a constant .300 hitter. Kinda like Martin Prado. Okay, not great either.
Carlos Rodon – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.47. Still waiting for that start where I feel like, “Yes, that’s a potential number two fantasy starter!”
Christian Yelich – Sat out the last two days with a back issue. Isn’t he about twenty years too young for a back problem? Shouldn’t he instead have “I accidentally stuck my junk in mashed potatoes, and the bottom potatoes were hotter than I thought when touching the top potatoes and that’s how I ended up in the ER” problem.
Adam Conley – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER. Conley’s not young enough for a roofie, and he wasn’t doing well enough for Regression Fairies, so, let’s just say, Conley violated his owners, stood trial and was released after a hung jury. Stream-o-Nator is crazy for his next start, and I agree. Betcha can guess who he’s facing. Sounds like Mbraves.
Justin Bour – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. He’s like my NL version of Cron, in that I like him much more than it likely warrants. Also, in the fantasy value race that no one really cares about, Bour and Votto are basically tied on our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater.
Max Scherzer – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.80. I wonder if Scherzer can text his Waze ETA to Archer so Archer can turn the same corner as him.
Ben Revere – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and 2 steals (1, 2). Not coincidentally, Denard Span didn’t play until the night game. Could Span and Revere be like Michael J. Fox when he had two dates to the prom? Are Denard and Revere simply changing their tie?
Alex Wood – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 13 Ks. After every start vs. the Padres, the opposing pitcher receives a call similar to when the President calls the World Series winning team. Only it’s not Obama, but it’s Vince Velasquez saying, “Facing the Padres is awesome, right?!”
Justin Turner – 1-for-1 and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer this weekend. Took a long time for him to show up this year, but it looks like he finally has, i.e., Turner’d the corner.
Howie Kendrick – 4-for-8, 2 runs and his 1st homer as the Dodgers and Padres played nearly enough innings for two games. Playing extra innings was the Padres way of making it up to the gay men’s choir who were drowned out by a woman singing during the National Anthem. It made it up to them by occupying all straight men for six hours on Sunday.
Melvin Upton – 3-for-7, 1, run, 1 RBI and his 9h steal, hitting .266. Are we sure Justin didn’t change his name to Melvin and B.J. didn’t become Justin?
Mookie Betts – 2-for-5, 2 runs and two homers (8, 9) on Saturday. You sexy Betts!
David Ortiz – 4-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .329. He wants to retire? Right now, he’d be the best hitter on at least a half dozen different major league teams!
Joe Kelly – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 3 Walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.28. Solid return from his shoulder impingement. He is unimpingeable! Not pingeable? Unpingey? Any hoo! He looks like he’s healthy again, and he had around a 4 ERA in his career with a 6.5 K/9, so healthy is nice, but I’d avoid Kelly outside of matchups, and the Stream-o-Nator wants no part of him in his next start, and I don’t disagree.
Noah Syndergaard – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 1.94. Have the Mets begun playing Springsteen’s Secret Garden (Jerry Maguire remix) yet when Syndergaard takes the mound, complete with Renee Zellweger and Bonnie Hunt talking? “I love him for the man he wants to be, I love him for the man he is, I love him, Laurel…. There’s a Syndergaard… Garble, garble, garble…. Did you know Bartolo Colon’s head weighs 47 pounds?”
Michael Conforto – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 8th homer. I almost traded for Conforto earlier this year, but it was an offer I could refuse, though I’m not sure I should’ve. Oh well, I promised myself not to live with regrets. Though, I kinda regret that promise.
Lucas Duda – Missed yesterday’s game and could be dealing with a disc problem. Sounds like my Commodore 64. Restart it and, as it boots up, generate static electricity by rubbing your feet on your carpet, then on the Run screen, touch the monitor. If that doesn’t work, I’m out of suggestions.
Jacob deGrom – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA up to 3.07. I liked the Mets better as an organization when their pitchers celebrated World Series trips the following year with cocaine and strippers, not uninspired pitching. BTW, looking up Dwight Gooden, I came across this movie, Star-Crossed. Logline: Darryl Strawberry and Dwight Gooden through the words of William Shakespeare. WHAT?! How have I not seen this? “To be, or not to be: that is the question I asked Lenny Dykstra high on speed.” “Ron Darling doth protest too much, methinks.” “Orosco! Orosco! My kingdom for Orosco!”