This offseason I’m going to recap sixteen-after-twenty, then I’ll go over the best rookies for next year, then I’ll go into sleepers and, finally, the new rankings. Holy crap! We’re already at the new rankings?! Oh, no, we’re not. Sorry, I sometimes confuse exposition and reality. Like, right now, am I explaining I confuse the two or am I really confused? Any hoo! I mention some offseason business now as an on-the-nose prelude to what’s to come, but also because I’m excited to talk about Alex Reyes for each one of those upcoming categories. Best rookies? Reyes still has eligibility, so check. Sleepers? He has a 1.57 ERA, more than a K per inning and averages 97 MPH, so check, check. Rankings? I want Reyes on every team next year so where do I rank him? Check, check, check! Check pah-vodka-sha! He trap me with that alligator blood! Damn, I haven’t seen Rounders in a while, I wonder if it holds up. *looks to see Rounders DVD holding up crooked bookshelf* Oh, yeah, baby! Yesterday, Reyes went 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks with the same superb — samperb? — pitching he’s done since he was called up. I can’t imagine he’s not in the rotation to start 2017, but, as Teddy KGB would say, Cards speak. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jedd Gyorko – 1-for-4 and his 28th homer. If I had to guess one Double-D breaking out this year on the Cards, I would’ve guessed Matt Adams.
Seung Hwan Oh – 1 IP, 1 ER after saying earlier in the day his groin is okay. By the way, Oh said his groin felt good through a translator. Imagine being that translator. “Hey, honey, how was work?” “Good, Seung’s groin feels great!” Since Oh still looks like he’s struggling, if you’re desperate for saves, I’d grab Siegrist.
Yadier Molina – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Molina also hit the “game-winning double” in the ninth inning. He hit a ground-rule double but the umps let Carpenter run around from first because the umps apparently didn’t see the ball left the field of play. Hey, Baseball Jesus loves the Cards and if Baseball Jesus wants the Cards to win, so be it.
Joey Votto – 3-for-4, but left the game after getting hit in the face by a Pham throw. Votto is believed to be okay. On a semi-related note, is it me or does adding Pham to any sentence make it a tongue twister? “I’ll be damned, Judd married Pam, not Pham.” See?
Dan Straily – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.76. His xFIP this year is 5.01. If I were the type to el oh el, now would be that time. Oh em gee, that’s awful. Like fo’reallies.
Wilson Ramos – To go with his torn ACL, he might also have a meniscus tear, but he’s able to sit 28 feet away from the TV and still see it. Thanks, Lasik!
Joe Ross – 4 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.43. I’m almost positive that Ross will be all but forgotten in fantasy leagues next year, allowing for great value, unless you happen to be in a league with our fantasy basketball editor and club-music-listener, JB.
Pedro Severino – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer. A question on a Sporcle quiz for how well you know baseball should be, “Which Severino is a catcher: Pedro, Luis, Melania, Ballesteros or Gonzalez?”
Wilmer Difo – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. Weird to see his name like that. Should be Wilmer (feat. Difo). Or maybe Wilmer Difo (feat. Ellie Goulding). It’s never just Difo, is it? Or am I thinking of Diplo?
Jason Hammel – Scratched from his final start with elbow tightness. Hey, Cubs, if you’re trying to impersonate the 2015 Mets, you’re not supposed to let your pitching fall apart until next year.
Ivan Nova – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER with the wonky Complete Game as the game was ended by rain. “Nova finished so strong with the Pirates, he ended the year with a complete game, needing only 57 pitches!” That’s Scott Boras touting Nova this offseason.
Jeremy Hellickson – 3 1/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.71, but left the game due to a knee sprain. This final week is making the Stream-o-Nator by like, “Aw, c’mon!”
Jeanmar Gomez – 1/3 IP, 4 ER. Damn, Cousin Sweatpants is limping to the finish. I own Hector Neris but he’s been virtually nonexistent for the last week. Michael Mariot could see a save or two this final weekend, but he’s more of a Ramada.
Dansby Swanson – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer. I’ve called him a hot schmotato already once this week, and if there were a Buy column coming later today, Swanson would be in it, but there’s no Buy/Sell because at this point, I’m not picking up hot players, I’m just picking up players I hope are in their team’s lineup.
Ubaldo Jimenez – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 3 Walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.44. I attempted to filter offense for the last week and compare it to last season’s final week then compare it to a random week in June. My thought was either hitters have games off prepping for the playoffs or they just don’t care because they’ve been playing for the last six months. There is so many problems with this theory. The Jays, Ubaldo’s opponent, haven’t yet clinched, they had their A lineup in, I couldn’t figure out how to sort for team offense last September in the 45 seconds I gave myself, and Oxford comma. Hey, at least I’m honest.
Marcus Stroman – 7 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.37. This isn’t much of an endorsement, but Stroman was much better in the 2nd half. Wait, that does sound like an endorsement. Except, Random Italicized Voice, his ERA in the 2nd half was still 3.68. Well, he’s the best five-foot, six-inch pitcher in the majors. Amen. Are we praying now?
Yasmany Tomas – Was scratched with a stiff neck. He must’ve got a Viagra stuck in his throat.
Jean Segura – 1-for-2, 1 run and his 32nd steal, but left yesterday’s game early with a cramp under his ribcage. Sounds like he needs some water or has a tumor, according to WebMD.
Socrates Brito – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. He doesn’t play every day, so it’s tough to recommend him. That’s my philosophy on Socrates.
Robbie Ray – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.90. That’s the ticket, just keep building up your sleeper value for next year to be a “Sleeper that people draft, then want to drop by April 5th.”
CC Sabathia – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.91. You next year, “Fantasy Master Lothario, excuse me for interrupting your primping time, but any thoughts on CC? He finished strong.” He was facing a B lineup that was partying the night before like it was CC in the 2000s. And you know I’m a P-R-I-M-P.
Jacoby Ellsbury – 2-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI and a steal. Any guesses how many steals he has on the year? Try a bit lower. Nope, lower still. I said still, not steal. I mean, I said steal. Oh, forget it! He has 19 steals. Somebody got old.
Carlos Sanchez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 4th homer in the last eleven games. This is the first time I’m mentioning him because each time he homered, I’d think, “Meh, he’ll never homer again, no reason to talk about him.” Oops! Worth trying Chuck Sanchez for the final few days just in case he stays hot.
Jose Quintana – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.20 vs. Chris Archer – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.02. There isn’t always justice with baseball stats, but it’s nice to see Quintana finish strong and Archer, that effin’ schmohawk, end the year with a 4+ ERA.
Kevin Kiermaier – 3-for-5, 1 RBI. He’s still so hot. Bigly!
Jon Gray – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER. You would’ve been better off drafting Jon Gray this year instead of Sonny Gray. Though, Jon Gray’s ERA is still 4.66, so Grey Albright wins the best Grey. Eat a dee, other Grays!
Johnny Cueto – 7 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.79. Cueto looked like a shell of his former self early, giving up two runs in the 1st inning, but then Cueto emerged from that shell like ice cream emerges from Magic Shell, the chocolate topping, and put a cherry– I’m hungry, is it obvious?
Danny Duffy – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.51. Too bad he limped to the finish these final few weeks. Or is it?! Actually, it’s not (unless you owned him). Since he artificially bumped up his ERA these final few weeks, next year people aren’t going to be as interested in him as they would’ve been if he led the league in ERA as he was doing thru August.
Kennys Vargas – 2-for-5 and his 10th homer. This was his 2nd homer in as many games. One homer per Kenny.
Paulo Orlando – 4-for-4, 1 run. As I said before, there’s no Buy/Sell coming later today, but if there was one, Orlando would be the lede. Title: Buy A Three Day Pass To The Magic Kingdom In Orlando.
Francisco Lindor – Indians/Tigers game was rained out yesterday. It could be made up on Monday, if it’s necessary for the Wild Card. The game itself won’t count towards fantasy in most leagues, so it means nothing to me. I’m pfft’ing at you! By the by, I hate, hate, aitch-ae-tee-ee — hate, hate, hate — how a guy is locked into your fantasy lineup when their game is cancelled. Please, fix this!
Michael Brantley – Reports are saying his shoulder could sideline well into 2017. Brantley, I have someone I want you to speak to. His name is Grady Sizemore.
Mike Zunino – 2-for-3 and his 12th homer. Who’s Zunino’ing who?!
Jesus Montero – Suspended 50 games for testing positive for dimethylbutylamine. In related news, dimethylbutylamine shown not to work.
