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I’m having this weird feeling. It’s not gas; I know what that feels like. It’s not anger that my neighbor planted a tree that smells like semen on my property line. It’s…I think…extreme sadness? I hate this team. I never love my AL-Only teams. Sometimes, I’m okay with them. Sometimes, I’m unhappy with them but pretend to be okay with them, like a sad clown with a painted-on smile. But hate an AL-Only team? No one good is even in the AL, so, yeah, I guess it happens. I drafted so many guys I don’t love, because Rudy’s values kept whispering in my ear, “Take this guy, Grey, he’ll be good for you. Like brushing your teeth and Brussels sprouts.” Brussels sprouts are little cabbages that I don’t like, and the draft was 4 1/2 hours long — no one should brush their teeth that long! Not even Julia Roberts! Drafting guys I hate? What’s going on with me? Something’s comin’ over, mmm mmm. Something’s comin’ over, mmm mmm. Something’s comin’ over me. My baby’s got a secret — he hates his AL-Only team, which I sing while wearing a bridal gown as I roll around on an empty stage. I also cut out each player’s name I drafted and throw them at my face like wedding rice. Is this metaphor still going, you ask yourself. Yes, it is! So, I drafted against Scott White at CBS, a bunch of Razzball guys and a lady (hey, Laura!), and a few ‘perts from other sites. This league is deep so hold onto ye olde hat. (If you want a shallower league, play against me and hundreds of your closest buddies in the Razzball Commenter Leagues. Or closet buddies, if you’re reading fast and/or experimenting.) Anyway, here’s my 12-team AL-Only team and some thoughts:
C: Ryan Jeffers – $1
C: Alejandro Kirk – $20
1B: Josh Naylor – $14
2B: DJ LeMahieu – $8
SS: Carlos Correa – $19
3B: Justin Turner – $14
CI: Triston Casas – $13
MI: Amed Rosario – $19
OF: Giancarlo Stanton – $20
OF: Taylor Ward – $19
OF: Tony Kemp – $6
OF: JJ Bleday – $2
OF: Matt Vierling – $1
UTIL: Kyle Farmer – $1
Bench: Josh Lowe, Aaron Hicks, Ezequiel Duran
P: Grayson Rodriguez – $11
P: Chris Bassitt- $16
P: Lance Lynn – $16
P: Ryan Pressly – $17
P: Pablo Lopez – $12
P: Brady Singer – $12
P: Kendall Graveman – $9
P: Jon Gray – $9
P: Jake Odorizzi – $1
Bench: Ryan Yarbrough, Bryan Abreu, Trevor Stephan, Nate Pearson
YOU WANT TO GIVE ME YOUR WAR ROOM TOTALS SO LET’S JUST GET IT OUT OF THE WAY.
Thanks, Mr. Al Caps. Here’s what Rudy’s War Room says about my team:
YEAH, I’LL GIVE YOU THAT, YOU HANDSOME LUNATIC, YOUR HITTING IS STACKED LIKE PHONE BOOKS UNDER ALTUVE’S ASS WHILE HE’S DRIVING, EXCEPT THAT OUTFIELD IS SO HILARIOUSLY–DO YOU HAVE MULTIPLE A’S? THAT ISN’T UNDER ANYONE’S ASS THAT IS JUST ASS.
It’s true, my bold screaming homey. I drafted a really nice offense, except for the outfield. At least Rudy’s values think so! Clearly, I have no steals, but that’s no problem. MLB has limited pickoffs so everyone’s going to be stealing. Justin Turner just went from a one-point-three-seven steal guy to a two-steal guy! I am golden like R. Kelly showers. I even drafted all 123 pounds of Tony Kemp because I needed steals so bad. Hopefully, it’s windy in Oakland this year. Tony Kemp can just wear parachute pants and fly to 2nd base like he’s sponsored by Red Bull. When I was drafting, I was also writing this up, and, subconsciously, my outfield was so lacking that I wrote Jon Gray into one of my outfield slots to see if that made it look better. It did! As you see from my War Room totals, even without a fully realized outfield, or Utility, my hitting is on point.
DID YOU MEAN TO NOT DRAFT ANY SUPERSTARS OR ARE YOU A SOCIALIST?
Since this league is AL-only, I use AL-Only rankings and I follow them pretty closely. If you really want a guy, go an extra dollar or two, which will likely be made up on the other end when you get a guy or two for cheaper than you have him listed. Usually I don’t go over $30 for any one player. For this draft, daddy was feeling real frugal in some ways, and not at all in other ways. I didn’t go over $20 — a catcher was tied for my high player, el oh–*cough* I mean, that is hilarious. Not going over $20, yet I still failed to have enough money to fill out my team properly. I should’ve let Alejandro Kirk go, even if he was listed for $22 in my values, and saved that money for a better outfield. There’s nothing on waivers in these leagues, so hopefully what I have is enough. And why not spend more on one player? It would’ve caused schism in the middle of my team much bigger than what is in the outfield. You see I tried to address my outfield weakness with my free round bench guys.
WAIT A SECOND, YOU DIDN’T LIKE DJ LEMAHIEU. SAID YOU WEREN’T DRAFTING HIM. OH MY GOD, YOU SAID THE SAME FOR ALEJANDRO KIRK. DID YOU GET HORNY MID-DRAFT AND FORGET EVERYTHING YOU TOLD US. OR ARE YOU A…LIAR?! THE ‘LIAR’ ENDING WOULD’VE STUNG HARDER IF THE PRECEDING WASN’T ALL IN CAPS TOO.
This is AL-Only, and my top 500 is geared more towards 15-team or shallower mixed leagues, and even in the 2023 fantasy baseball rankings, I say repeatedly in deep leagues you have to draft at-bats. (You also need to draft innings.) I may not like all the guys I have, but in a league this deep you can’t have all your darlings. I will say I was happy to get my Brady Singer sleeper, my Taylor Ward sleeper and all pitchers I love minus Jake Odorizzi, who is just an innings bet.
TO RECAP, YOUR BULLPEN IS A FIRE EMOJI, BUT YOUR HITTING’S AN EGGPLANT EMOJI BUT YOUR OUTFIELD IS A CRINGE EMOJI. LET’S CALL IT A ROASTED EGGPLANT EMOJI LIKE WHEN YOU GO SUNBATHING IN THE BUFF.
This league is not shy about spending: Bobby Witt Jr. went for $44; Julio Rodriguez went for $52; Vlad Jr. went for $43. Before we cut out of here and go trademark our cheese & crackers dispenser, which is a bent-over man where you pull crackers from his crack and cheese fromunda, look at some of these other teams’ holes. Someone has an outfield of A.J. Pollock, Enrique Hernandez, Alex Kirilloff, Oscar Gonzalez and Akil Baddoo. Someone else spent $30 on deGrom and has Cole Irvin and maybe one other starter if Garrett Whitlock isn’t a starter. Someone else has Judge, and Bichette and they’re starting Jonathan Schoop, Bobby Dalbec, Colton Cowser, Nicky Lopez and Marco Gonzales. So, everyone in this league has holes. A holes? No, Random Italicized Voice, not the same.
