“Hello, Proprietor of a Milliner, I understand your trade is hat-making. I was wondering if you could make this Dairy Queen sundae helmet into a normal-sized head helmet…Right, right, I get that. Yes, I guess I could just buy a helmet from the John Olerud collection, but I’d like this exact Kansas City Royals sundae helmet. It’s for Opening Day for the 2021 baseball season, Mr. Milliner–Wait a second, I’m seeing news come across my ticker…Adalberto Mondesi has an oblique strain? Forget it, Opening Day is called off. Goodbye.” How do you strain your oblique on the one day without baseball between now and July? Was he reaching up to get a suitcase out of overhead baggage? Well, I too have baggage, but I push my baggage down until I randomly start crying at red lights! Why, why whywhywhy…Well, I guess, Happy Opening Day! It feels less happy now with Mondesi news. The Royals recalled Nicky Lopez, which is objectively just funny. If you have late drafts, like after Opening Day, I updated top 500 for Mondesi, conservatively removing 100 at-bats, which is roughly three weeks to a month. It seemed like a big stretch to have Mondesi hitting 3rd in that lineup. Obviously too big of a stretch for his oblique. Hopefully, he can get back soon, because it’s Opening freakin’ Day! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy baseball:

Kyle Isbel – 24-year-old prospect is favorite to see the strong side of platoon in the Royals’ right field, and, since the Royals have very little interesting depth, Isbel could just win the full-time job. By the by, Kyle Isbel sounds like a runner-up to win American Idol. “I always say no one should try Whitney Houston, but, Kyle, you’ve proved me wrong and would’ve made Whitney proud. You’re through to the next round.” Isbel is a some speed, some power, some contact hitter. 50 grades for all three. For now, I’m interested in 15-team or deeper leagues, and he’ll be in Friday’s Buy/Sell, which is already available on Patreon.

Austin Nola – Will start year on the IL, i.e., no Nola, which sounds like music teacher correcting scales.

Trent Grisham – Will start year on the IL. Didn’t adjust him in my top 20 outfielders ranks, because he won’t be out long, and more bluntly *coughs through a cloud of smoke* I ain’t drafting him or anymore.

Andrew Vaughn – Made the White Sox Opening Day roster, which was assumed for a while now. Yes, of course, he’ll be in this Friday’s Buy column. Though, he is sitting on Opening Day because Tony spilled scotch on his lineup card.

Eloy Jimenez – Second opinion confirmed that he needs surgery. *dissolve to five months from now*…Eloy’s going for surgery after the White Sox received a 434th opinion. Kidding, he had surgery and is out 5-6 months. Good stuff. *Tommen falling out the window*

George Springer – Hit the IL with an oblique strain, but the Jays said he could be back as soon as next week. Speaking of backs, that will be the next thing he injures. Hey, blame the crystal ball, pardner.

Tony Watson – Signed with Angels. Also, Steve Cishek signed there. Signing Watson and Cishek can only mean one thing, Maddon is trying to discover DNA.

Shohei Ohtani – Pulled from a start with a blister. Thought only his fantasy owners were getting blisters.

Franchy Cordero – Activated from the Covid-19 list, and about to go 19/19/covid! Wait, that makes no sense. Franchy about to be a late sleeper that I touted all preseason, after not drafting him once. Let’s go!

Kyle Lewis – Hit the IL with a deep bone bruise and I have a deep bruise of my soul. Fantasy Baseball Overlord, why do you hurt me? I await your answer. The Mariners said Lewis could’ve played on Thursday, but he will be sidelined for a few weeks. How, please take the time to answer me this, do you go from being able to play today but can’t return for a few weeks? Alas, Taylor Trammell and The Gypsy Kings’ Marmelejos will play more, and Tee-Tee is in Friday’s Buy.

Ji-Man Choi – Undergoing arthroscopic surgery on his knee. That’s what happens when you’re demonstrating how to make banana splits out of the ice cream parlor. Nah’mean? I removed Ji-Man from the top 20 1st basemen, but didn’t up anyone like Tsutsugo, because you prolly don’t want that noise, and, yeah, draft season is done. Finally.

Todd Frazier – Re-signed a minor league deal with the Pirates. Todd, you’re embarrassing New Jersey, and that’s a very low bar.

Dustin May – Will start the year as the 5th starter. Horny time, party for one. Made a slight adjustment to him in my top 80 starters, failing to move him up as high as I had him before the Bauer signing (around 40th starter overall). Still can’t imagine him staying in the rotation for longer than 12-15 starts, but oh, what a glorious 12-15 starts they shall be for The Human Carrot.

Steven Souza – Signed with the Dodgers. Souza has a better chance of getting time in the brass section of the LA Philharmonic.

Sixto Sanchez – Will start the year in the alternate camp, where they listen to KCRW. So, Sixto went from the Fish to Fishbone. I wasn’t drafting Sixto this year, so I’m pretty whatever on this news, but it’s not value-crushing news. The Marlins just don’t need a fifth starter yet, and Sanchez isn’t throwing a full season anyway.

Kyle Garlick – Made the Twins’ roster. A Kyle Garlick implies the existence of Kyle Halitosis.

Yu Chang – Announced as Cleveland’s Opening Day 1st baseman with Jordan Luplow in center. Time can Chang Yu, but Yu can’t Chang time, nor expect anything from anything from Cleveland’s hitting.

Mike Soroka – Hit the IL as he returns from Achilles surgery. “Hey, I thought my doctor was operating on my Achilles, not…Well, why is he wearing a toga?”

Odubel Herrera – Reassigned to minor league camp. After adding ODB to the top 100 outfielders late and–Well, I shouldn’t add anyone late! Roman Quinn and Adam Haseley will share center field duties, and, hehe, I said duties. Roman Quinn is in the top 100 outfielders, and Haseley was usually modeled by Anjelica Huston, and I will monocle, but his projections are around 12/8/.255, which would have Haseley saying, “Huston, we have a problem. Uh, Anjelica.”

Hector Neris – Announced as the Phils’ closer. How long does that last? One week or two? Or does it last four months and you wish it ended after one week?

Jose Leclerc – Underwent Tommy John surgery. There should be some kind of fine for teams who have pitchers go down in March, needing Tommy John surgery. How you mfers get through the entire offseason to only realize someone’s elbow is janky in March? You’re telling me Rangers’ GM Chris Young couldn’t see this coming? He can see everything coming, he’s eight feet tall!

Rougned Odor – Didn’t make the Rangers. Like one who dealt it, I feel the need to defend Odor. He sucks — with a defense like this, he’s gonna be doing 25 to life — but the Rangers went with Charlie Culberson and Brock Holt instead. They’re like getting the benefit of Tommy Edman’s position eligibility with nothing else, and, since the Rangers are in a real baseball league, and not a fantasy one, I’m not sure they need a guy to qualify at a position. Ha, my defense of Odor was about as good as “No, sweetheart, it was the dog.”