Don’t Give Isaac Buys The Shaft

“If you mix one part gin with one part speed and one part power and one part average and one part “possibly a Quad-A player,” and one part good contact and one part–How many parts is that?” Excuse me, I’m asking the bartender, Isaac, how to make an Issac Collins. Turns out I had it right, but it was two parts speed and maybe a half part power. Whatever the case, let’s get this out of the way, a Quad-A player right now is a difficult distinction to make, because of a little something they call Calvin Faucher’s Plandemic. When Collins was 21, he signed with the Rockies, and that teams sucks at developing people, but really sucks when you miss an entire year, due to 2020. So, that takes him to age 23 and still in Single-A with the Suckies. He killed it there, but then it’s like, “Is he too old for Single-A?” Yes, but also: No, he missed a full year. Then he killed it again in 2022, and the Rockies don’t know what they’re doing, so they let him Rule 5 it out of there, and the Brewers picked him up. By this point? He’s already 25! Then, he continued to cruise through the minors, 10/29/.263 in 2023; 14/24/.273 in 2024 in Triple-A and we’re finally up to date, and he’s hitting well in the majors now. Would I be here if he were just a prospect and not hitting in the majors? No, that’s a lot of this, but he has a 24 K% and is neutrally a .250 hitter with 12-homer power and 30-steal speed. Basically, what you’d take from Jarren Duran at this point. So, he’s also one part hot schmotato, one part “maybe something more is here,” one part “try him out” and one part “possibly a Quad-A player but that’s not a bad thing, while he’s hitting.” Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

PSYCHE! This post was released a week early for Patreon members. It will be released all year early for Patreons, so if people are getting a jump on you, it’s because they paid the $10. Anyway, the Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell:

BUY

Ryan Jeffers – Anyone who can go by the initials RJ, should go by RJ. This is my big contribution to society.

Samuel Basallo – Excuse me for a second, this is for only the Orioles’ front office, trade O’Hearn or Mountcastle or both for literally anyone who can throw five innings, and promote Basallo, you freaks! You absolutely loons, stockpiling prospects! You freakin’ hoarders!

Nathaniel Lowe – Wonder if he decided to go by Nathaniel, so he didn’t feel obligated to answer for all that is wrong with the Nats.

Spencer Steer – With every player in this column, I open their player page and check to see that they’ve been hot (they have) and to see if maybe there’s more to the player going forward. Steer’s stats gave me a headache. Dem shizzes make no sense. They are senseless. Call him Spencer Steerless, because he doesn’t know where he’s going from year to year. Power meh, speed meh, now strikeouts up, and no sign of the 2023 guy who went 23/15/.271 at all.

Donovan Solano – He’s 37 years old, and has career numbers of 43/15 in almost 1000 games. Those numbers will be roughly Ohtani’s stats through July.

Pavin Smith – “You might be handsome, but you’re so stupid if you don’t think Pavin’s breaking out!” That’s a commenter in April who became this May Commenter, “Should I drop Pavin Smith for anyone? I mean, literally anyone.” And now he’s back with, “I told you Pavin Smith is great! Still, though, very handsome face you have. Thanks for sharing that!”

Mauricio Dubon – This is the kind of guy who no matter how hot he is, he’ll never be picked up. Any hoo! He’s been hot!

Michael Toglia – If you go to the 7-day Player Rater, you can see every player’s stats for the last week, if you click the top category for a stat, it sorts by that category. If you click strikeouts, well, that’s the problem with Toglia.

Alec Burleson – Don’t know if he’s available in more than 50% of leagues, but I can’t pass on a chance to mention I wrote a preseason sleeper for him. If you thought I could not mention that, welcome to Razzball! First time huh?

Nolan Schanuel – I could win a spelling bee with players’ names. A by-product of doing this every day for six months. With that said, I spell this guy’s name wrong all the time. Some times it’s Schnuel or Schnauel. That “a” in there always gets me. Maybe that’s why I secretly hate him. Hmm…

Caleb Durbin – Realized a type of guy I need to be more cautious of when they’re promoted: Guy who makes a ton of contact, but hits incredibly weak-sister hits. The King of this guy was Nick Madrigal. They look like .280+ hitters on paper, but they hit everything 84 MPH to 2nd base and are not very good, outside of some speed. Durbin’s got some of that.

Christian Moore – He has as much power as some of the big corner bats who were called up this year — Kurtz, Caglianone — but is a 2nd baseman. [twitches] Sorry, every time I mention “2nd baseman,” I think of Ozzie Albies on my fantasy team and twitch.

Nick Gonzales – He’s been hot (so has everyone in this post), so don’t take this the wrong way, but his career numbers: 12/5/.264 in 150 games sounds great for the Pirates, but not great for your fantasy team.

Casey Schmitt – On this week’s podcast, BDon and I debate the merits of Wenceel Perez vs. Isaac Colins vs. Mickey Moniak and–I think I know why I might’ve yawned during that segment. Damn, and here I am making Collins the lede, what am I thinking? I’m not thinking, that’s the problem. To extend that snooze comp-fest, Schmitt could’ve been included too. In a half season in the minors last year, he went 13/11/.274, and hit .252 with a 22.1 K% in MLB last year in 40 games with six homers. Guess what I’m saying is maybe Schmitt happens to be decent.

Joey Ortiz – Good news about shortstops is it’s a very deep position. Bad news, if you have a need, there’s very few shortstops on waivers worth a damn. This goes back to me telling you to draft aggressively deep positions. Like, Grounder Henderson.

Mickey Moniak – He’s on pace for a 25/10/.250 season. That, boys and four girls, wouldn’t be the worst Fifth All-Fantasy Outfielder. FAFO, amiright?

Jake Meyers – He has more steals this year in half a season than he had all of last year, which reminds us of the Pitch Clock 12. The rule that the pitch clock can add 12 steals to a guy’s projections if he wants to steal.

Victor Scott II – Let’s just assume that VS2 steals 40 bags this year and chucks in six homers (what he’s prorated for right now), and hits .250. That makes him next year–[inner monologue] Don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…[outside voice] A sleeper, right? [inner monologue] Ugh, he said it.

Dominic Canzone – He’s way too old to just be breaking into the majors or 2020 really played havoc on some of these guys’ developments? You look at Canzone’s MiLB numbers and he could’ve broke into the majors years ago. He went 22/15/.299 in 2022, then was ignored for three years. Also, with Canzone, Roman Anthony and Caglianone, it’s an Italian renaissance, which might be redundant. We need Vinnie Pasquantino to start smiling like the Mona Lisa (and hit some freakin’ dingers!)

Quinn Priester – This is a Streamonator call, like the call it makes to Caesar’s Palace.

Michael Soroka – This is also a Streamonator call. “I was walking through your casino when someone tried to ‘play’ me by twisting my arm, screaming ‘Give me cherries!’ I talked to your floor manager and they said I could get a free buffet coupon, but I don’t eat food. A free room? Hmm, okay, but I don’t sleep.”

Raisel Iglesias – Maybe the Braves’ closer will be Dylan Lee, but do you know how bad a reliever has to be for Snitker to opt for a lefty to close games? Look at Raisel’s numbers, and you’ll have an idea. With that said, Raisel could get the rest of the saves for the Braves, because of Snitker’s inability to avoid any old school baseball clichés.

Grant Taylor – If he played for any other team, except the Suckies, we’d be talking about Taylor like he’s the newest Mason Miller.

Seth Halvorsen – So, I made a promise to myself I wouldn’t highlight Suckies or Shite Sox closers this year, and I made it about a half year, but SAGNOF and saves are saves are saves.

Orion Kerkering – Is there anywhere I can bet that there will be another closer for the Phils on August 1st? I’ve got a retirement fund burning a hole in my pocket. What, you trust banks? Sucker! [realizes there’s a hole in pocket] Uhh…

Bryan Abreu – For a few years in a row, I’d grab Abreu in my RCL league, where middle relievers can be sneaky valuable even if they’re not getting saves. I didn’t this year, and I’ve never been the same. A failure by yours truly. My first ever!

SELL

Byron Buxton – You’re gonna get two Sells this week, because I almost wrote up Aroldis Chapman as a Sell, but nixed it because selling saves is obvious. ABS, as Glengarry once said, Always Be Selling saves, or was it Always Be selling Saves? Well, whatever S is being represented in ABS, no truer maxim has ever maximed. As for Buxton, is he hurt yet? How about now? How…about…now? I’m not spraying stink on something that is pure, smelling of lavender. That injury stink is there, I’m merely wafting it your way. Yes, Buxton has been great, but c’mon. You know the inevitable injury is coming. I wouldn’t sell Byron Buxton (or Aroldis) for a minute in a cash grab booth that only has nickels, but I would go to the Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and explore options.