Here’s a post that’s gonna make you wanna slap ya mama and tell her Don Magic Juan sends his best. The other day I told you how to draft your pitchers for 2018 fantasy baseball. I laid it out to you nice and simple (if you have a degree in “What The Hell Is Grey Talking About?” Not a PhD, mind you. Just a BS.) Today, we forget all that jabberwocky on the who-ha and get down to business old school-style (which means if you don’t comprehend, I will hit you over the head with a baseball bat signed by Joe Clark.) What I’m hoping to lay out to you is who do you draft 2nd if you’ve drafted so and so first. I think it might be helpful to go through pairings for your 5 outfielders, all your middle and corner infielders too. I’m not sure I’ll have the time or patience to do them. We’ll see! Or not. Your choice. (Actually, my choice.) For easy reference, the royal we will be using the top 10 for 2018 fantasy baseball and the top 20 for 2018 fantasy baseball and the beginning of the top 100 for 2018 fantasy baseball. I’m going to assume you’re in a 12 team, 5×5, MI, CI, 5 OF, 1 Utility, 1 Catcher league, similar to our Razzball Commenter Leagues. (Sign up for multiple leagues, and beat the heck out of your frenemies and random strangers!) Anyway, here’s some pairings for the first two rounds of 2018 fantasy baseball drafts:
1. Mike Trout – Early last year I became Jose Abreu’s biggest fan. I don’t know why this happened, and I didn’t plan on it, but invariably, if I don’t take a 1st baseman in the first two rounds, I was always looking at Abreu in the third-slash-fourth-slash-axl. Picking Trout takes Freeman, Rizzo, Votto and anyone else in my top 20 off the board. If you take Trout, you’re not picking again for 20-plus picks. With that said (here’s where I disregard everything I just said), Rizzo is ranked 22nd overall in ESPN, so Trout and Rizzo is possible. Jose Ramirez isn’t ranked until around the mid-20s on Yahoo, so he should be there to pair with Trout. That’s, as the French say about Manny Machado, Manny Feek. Speaking of Machado, he’s ranked 22nd on Yahoo. That’s Trey Mancini Feek! Cody Bellinger is I-make-love-to-with-my-eyes and isn’t ranked until the 30s or 40s at some sites, so Trout and Belly is not only a wonderful seafaring tale to a sushi restaurant, but a great pairing with the first two picks. If everyone were to stick to my rankings, a pairing of Trout and Rendon is a gorgeous pairing rivaled only by that of chocolate and raspberry. (By the way, I’ve reached the age where baseball and food are my only pleasures in life.) With Trout, I’d only avoid taking another outfielder with my 2nd pick, just about everyone else, who I like, is viable.
2. Paul Goldschmidt – Feel free to throw out the knowledge I placed inside your noggin in the Trout blurb, because Au Shizz is a first baseman and opens up the world of pairings like ketchup opens up a world of flavors. Au Shizz might give you a chance for Cody Bellinger. Cody-Au Shizz may as well be a well-priced jewelry store that gives you money and jewels! Au Shizz-Springer isn’t just an exclamation for an excitable groundhog, it’s also a glorious pairing! Maybe you can get Au Shizz and Just Dong because of where others have Dong ranked, and that might be awesome since Au Shizz is supposedly going to be playing in the dankest of humidors. Au Shizz and Jose Ramirez? How about Au-I feel-lightheaded-that’s-so-beautiful? Au and Lindor? That reminds me of the glorious Don Was singing Walk the Dinosaur. “Open for Lindor, I love that floor, everybody pair Au Shizz and Lindor!” Of course, Au Shizz means no 2nd round 1st basemen, which as pointed out in Trout’s blurb, aren’t necessarily available in the 2nd round anyway when drafting this early in the 1st round. If you’re living the dankest of timelines with the humidor, you might want to aim for an OF who can give you 35+ homers.
3. Jose Altuve – Pair Altuve with a phone book and he’s five-three. Pair him with Edwin and you’ve corrected Edwin’s funky average and Altuve’s less-than-stellar power. Pair Altuve with tippy toes and he’s five-one. Pair him with Dong and you’ve started the draft with 55 HR/30 SB. Oh, well, when you put it that way, give me that all day and twice on Muesday, the magical day between Monday and Tuesday. Pair Altuve with a booster seat, and he can reach to cut his own food. Altuve and Springer and you’re again staring down a 55/30 start. I wouldn’t pair Altuve with a 2nd baseman, a guy that makes his living on steals (Marte, Gordon) or a real tall girl.
4. Trea Turner – I want Treat Urner on every team. I feel like Pookie, smacking my veins, screaming for my fix. I can’t get enough of the possibility of Trea. 15/45/.300 feels all but assured, which means he is compatible with anyone that gives 35/10 and plays outfield or 1st base. Which leaves us with… Just Dong the ain’t-gong-man (I just made that up, terrible?). How about Trea and Freeman in one of those wacky ESPN leagues? How about I need to change my pants? What say you about Trea and Rizzo? That sounds like a Wicked-style re-imagining of Grease. And no less delightful! Honestly, sincerely, adverbly, you could even take Lindor or Jose Ramirez but then you really need an OF and 1B and you’re in a bit of a hole. A hole? You? Yes, unfortch.
5. Bryce Harper – I just thought about what pairings I can get with Bryce and I had a mind orgasm — a mindgasm? My medulla got super oblongta and I short circuited like Johnny Five. I’m not kicking Trout out of bed, but if I can get the 5th pick, and Harper, you’re gonna have a hard time finding a bad pairing with him. You can do Bryce and Lindor, Jo-Ramirez, Rizzo, Edwin or Machado! I just had a mini-stroke thinking about Bryce and any of those guys. You can do Bryce and Rendon, which is Nats’urally awesome. You can do anything! Well, I’d try to avoid Bryce and another outfielder. Bryce and Springer isn’t terrible for stats’ sake, but you should try to get at least one infielder.
6. Nolan Arenado – Who are we going to pair Arenado with? How about Blackmon, Story, LeMahieu and Tom Murphy? Then we can move to Colorado and open a dispensary called, “That’s The Pot Calling The Kettle…Uh, What Were We Talking About?” Arenado is similar to any other 1st round corner man in that you can pair him with just about anything, except a 3rd baseman. Arenado gets fewer steals than Goldy though, so I’d prefer to pair him with someone that gets at least 15 steals. For a moment, let’s think about pairing Arenado with Springer. That would be like a giant hand wafting a giant fart that smelled of roses. Arenado and Marte? That’s a combined 50/40. Pfft at that only if you mean it like, “That’s pfft’ing awesome!” Arenado and Jo-Ram? I’m as serious as your dad when he’s hangry, that is damn sexy. Arenado and Lindor? Don’t make me sing Don Was again, because I will. Arenado and Edwin? Meh, all power and no steals. Arenado and Rizzo? Not my fave. Arenado and Bellinger? Now we’re talking!
7. Mookie Betts – Are we really getting Betts this late? *looks at Yahoo* Apizzarently, we are! *looks at ESPN* Did they rank Betts higher after a down year than last preseason? Wow, okay, let’s assume you can get Betts 7th overall (not out of the question) and let’s assume you also know the difference between hoi polloi and hoity-toity (definitely in question) and you want to pair Betts with a 2nd rounder (I’d hope so), here’s what we have for you! (That might’ve been the biggest buildup in the history of buildups and this should be included in that buildup. Moving on!) Betts and Rizzo? Yes, please and thank you. Also, great manners! Betts and Kris Bryant? I’d put that junk in my trunk! Is it possible? Meh, not sure, but don’t quibble, you quibbler! Betts and Giancarlo–Not prolly because they’re both OFs, but holy crap I just realized Klara Bell at ESPN ranked Giancarlo 15th overall. Wut? Jose Ramirez could be there for Betts, but they’re both so balanced, and I wouldn’t mind a corner man that was power first. Freeman and Betts? I kinda like that more than Trout and Rendon if I’m being totally honest. Betts and Machado? That should be illegal.
8. Manny Machado – Due to Machado’s favorable ranking at Yahoo and ESPN, he’s been mentioned in pairings above. I’d obviously do all of those. In addition, if you do have eleven other Greys in your league, and everyone’s following my rankings to the MBTA, then Machado and Lindor? Oh, yeah, papa. Machado and Freeman? Oh, c’mon, you know you wanna. Machado and Jose-Ram? Indeed. Now that I run off some of these, Machado makes butter on whatever toast he’s schmeared. Can you picture leaving the 2nd round with Machado and Springer and not being happy? What’s that, 60/12/.275 with upside? Then draft Jose Ramirez in the 3rd, because Yahoo and ESPN are a Möbius strip with head in anus, and you’ve won your league six weeks before the season starts. Have a colada!
9. Giancarlo Stanton – I’m still trying to figure out how Giancarlo is ranked 15th at ESPN. When I saw Rudy’s rankings had Giancarlo first overall, I was A) So jealous! He’s trying to move in on my man. B) Thinking maybe I should move up Giancarlo. C) There’s no C. Then ESPN comes along and puts him 15th? What are they doing, doode? Seriously. Who are we kidding, they have no idea. Recently, Tout Wars ranked all the experts for the last twenty years of league results. Rudy was third (I was 15th). Dot dot dot. Out of 178 experts! And we’ve only been in the league three and five years, respectively. Some of these guys should be embarrassed of themselves. It’s one thing to have a bad year — injuries happen, luck happens, shizz happens — but some of these guys have had a bad two decades. Any hoo! Giancarlo aka mi novio aka my sun, my moon, my warm embrace aka the puff pastry to my pig in the blanket. I love you, and your muscles that I’ve named after flowers. He obviously pairs with any infielder. I wouldn’t turn down Bryant, Rizzo or Votto, but Stanton and Lindor or Jo-Rami almost makes more sense because you get a little more speed and average, vs. just a bopper like Rizzo. Giancarlo and Cody Bellinger might be more sexy than one man can handle, but I wouldn’t mind trying to handle it. You should keep in mind you’re starting with a bit of a average divot.
10. Kris Bryant – I’m pairing Bryant with literally anyone. Okay, not Daniel Descalso, but anyone that is available besides a 3rd baseman. Bryant and Lindor is the hubbub that I’m talking about. Bryant and Freeman? Sure, I can figure out outfielders later. Bryant and Josie Rami? Fine, I will draft Jose Abreu in the third. Bryant and Giancarlo? You’ll love that or I didn’t mail my left testes to Giancarlo with the note, “Handle with Care.” Bryant and Bellinger? How about Bryant and boners?! Are you following or am I being daft?!
11. Francisco Lindor – What was I saying? Oh, that’s right, I hadn’t started talking yet. Lindor is one of those there shortstops, so you want a corner man or outfielder. I’d also be particular about drafting Lindor and a guy who gives speed over power, or even, uh, even speed and power. Lindor and J. Ramirez? It’s okay, but both guys are so balanced. Some people in your league are leaving the 1st two rounds with 60+ HRs/20-ish SBs, I’d prefer to be that person than Lindor/Joey Ram of 50/40, even though that’s obviously more balanced. It’s not bad, per se, but per se is, like, French talk. You “see voo play” now too? So, Lindor and any of the combos above, or Lindor and Rizzo or Lindor and Just Dong or Lindor and Springer. You get the picture, and do it for the Gram.
12. Freddie Freeman – This post is 18,000 words longer than I wanted to go, so let’s KISS. No offense on the final S of KISS. How about Keep It Simple, Smarty? But ‘smarty’ sarcastically. Does that salve your bruised ego? Freeman and any of the pairings above obviously, or Freeman and Just Dong? Just Yes! Freeman and J.R. Amirez? Well, of course! Freeman and Bellinger? Cody has outfield eligibility, right? Then why the effhole not? Freeman and Springer? Sounds like the story of an emancipated rabbit. I say sure! Just avoid another 1st baseman and Freeman can do no harm. Damn, I could’ve written the Declaration of Independence!
