Fantasy Baseball Advice

We fill out the 2012 fantasy baseball rankings with the last few hitters, the top 5 utility players for 2012 fantasy baseball.  Tomorrow we take this mother to one hundred!  Not one hundred utility men. The top 100 overall.  Then we take this to 300!  Again, not 300 utility men.  Okay, these players are only eligible at DH aka Utility.  Frankly, I don’t think you should draft any of these designated hitters.  They don’t allow enough flexibility.  For example, what if you had Vladimir Guerrero clogging up your Utility spot last year and you really wanted to pick up Desmond Jennings?  You would’ve been wretched, retching on all fours to borrow from The Decemberists.  These guys have no position eligibility for fantasy baseball.  As with past rankings posts, this top 5 for 2012 will be broken up into tiers, and their 2012 projections will be included.  Anyway, here’s the top 5 utility players for 2012 fantasy baseball (they suck, enjoy!):

1. Billy Butler – This is the first tier.  This tier goes from here until here.  I call this tier, “Look at dem cans!”  (Butler had 11 games at 1st base so he might have eligibility for you there.)  To see Butler’s 2012 projections go to the top 20 1st basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball.

2. David Ortiz – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until here.  I call this tier, “And now you’re hamstrung.”  By the tier name I mean this, Ortiz seems like the only Utility-only player that anyone considers drafting.  People draft Butler, but as a 1st baseman.  So when people draft Ortiz, they really are only getting a Utility-only player.  With no hope of getting a 1st baseman from games played during the season.  Now they have no flexibility.  If you have a guy in your Utility spot all year, you’re hamstrung.  BTW, isn’t it interesting how the word utility means something useful, but for fantasy it’s not?  I swear that sounded interesting in my head before I typed it.  Anyhoo!  2012 Projections:  75/27/90/.270

3. Johnny Damon – (Has 16 games in the outfield, so he might have eligibility there.)  This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until the end of the post.  I call this tier, “You are a damn fool if you draft one of these guys.”  Actually, I can see a scenario where drafting one these guys makes sense.  You join a ten team league with you and nine other teams that are just you using different aliases.  I’d then draft Damon for one of the other teams that you’re sandbagging.  When you beat the nine alias sandbagging teams, the girls will be throwing themselves at your feet.  2012 Projections:  50/12/40/.265/12

4. Vladimir Guerrero – It’s definitely not the age of the DH, huh?  Somewhere Ron Blomberg is rolling over in his grave.  Assuming he’s dead.  If he’s not, looking at the current DHs will kill him.  I hope you’re happy, Vlad!  2012 Projections:  35/15/45/.270

5. Hideki Matsui – “Does he have outfield eligibility?  Does he have a current major league team that is going to play him?”  That could also be this tier’s name.  2012 Projections: crap/that/smells/nasty

Scott Rolen is out for the season.  It’s time to go gorilla!  I don’t even know what that means.  Random Italicized Voice, no one knows what it means, but it’s provocative!  If you got some risk to burn in deeper leagues at corner infidel, get in on Juan Francisco.  I talked a bit yesterday about how I’m gonna go caca-cuckoo on Francisco next year if he has a starting job.  I’m gonna be like a cyclops wearing a monocle.  Why a cyclops wearing a monocle?  Good question.  A cyclops only has one eye so it’s particularly sharp.  Like how a blind person’s hearing is enhanced.  So you put a monocle on a cyclops and you have creature that sees everything.  That’ll be me.  BTW, Yonder and Francisco have complementary hat tilts.  Just something I thought you should know.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Logan Morrison – Could return on Thursday after being diagnosed with patella tendinitis.  Oh, wait, is Patella the doctor’s name?

Alexi Ogando – Rangers are considering moving Ogando to the bullpen.  Earth to the Rangers, come in Rangers.  Considering?  He should’ve been moved two months ago.  Check yo’ self, before you wreck yo’ self… Too many innings is bad for his health.

Nelson Cruz – Activated from the DL, but will be used as a pinch-hitter initially.  Belch.

David Murphy – Hit two homers as I benched him on my fantasy teams for Cruz because I thought that’s what Washington would do.  Belch, fart.

Jim Johnson – He’s now converted back-to-back-to-back saves with the Teflon Closer, Gregg, on the sidelines.  Meanwhile, Gregg blew his only save opp in the last week.  If you need saves, Johnson’s the way to go.  As for a strange but true fact, Jim Johnson is from Johnson City, NY.  Kevin Gregg isn’t from Crap City, NY.

Matt Wieters – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  Now has 19 homers and 61 RBIs while batting .260.  If he takes a step forward next year, he could be a top three catcher.

Jeff Karstens – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER.  Karstens obviously needs Jack Hannahan and his monkeys.

Derrek Lee – 2-for-4 with a homer.  I haven’t seen any consistent streaks from this schmohawk this year.  Hits a homer or two then goes into a two week “I’m old.  My back’s sore.  Somebody call a wambulance” free fall.

Zack Greinke – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks.  I think the Brewers win it all.  As I said back in March.

Justin Morneau – Still feeling concussion symptoms and doesn’t think he’ll return this year.  That’s his concussion concession speech.

Mike Minor – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks.  Ugh, so inefficient.  Pretty disappointing stuff from Minor this year.  I know, I know.  A 4.11 ERA and a K per inning isn’t terrible.  But I’m like Veruca Salt up in here and I want more!

Chipper Jones – 2-for-5 as he continues to swing a hot bat.  That’s what she said!  He’s hitting .375 over the last week with 2 homers.

Brian McCann – Hit his 24th homer as he hit out of the six hole yesterday.  He’s hitting under .200 in September, so I get it, but, wow, Fredi is reactionary.  Next thing you know Jose Constanza is gonna be catching.

Brandon Phillips – 1-for-2 with a homer.  I mentioned Phillips yesterday after he homered twice regarding his disappointing season, but, I guess, if you have to get hot at any time during the season, now’s a good time.  About time BP starting giving back.

Dillon Gee – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I tried to steer people away from Gee for this start.  Looked favorable, but he was alternating good starts with bad and he was due for a bad one.  And that theory goes out the window with my socks.  I don’t wash them; I just throw them outside for the homeless.  I give back.  Did I ever mention I once answered phones for the Chabad Telethon?  True story.  And I’m not even officially Jewish.  Eat it, Itzhak Perlman!

Troy Tulowitzki – Left yesterday’s game with more hip issues.  He’s too hip to be sore!  I imagine he’s gonna sit out at least a few more days.

Bruce Chen – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks.  They call him Bruce (because that’s his name)!  Sure, it was against the Twins, but still he was coming off two straight games giving up 5 earned, so it took some cojones to start him here.

Mike Moustakas – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer as he bats .231.  Hosmer is blowing him out of the water for fantasy value this year, but I have this gut feeling that it’s gonna be reversed next year.  I don’t have anything to back that up.  It’s my gut.  It might be the chicken shawarma I had for dinner.

Brandon Morrow – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  Don’t worry, there’s always next year when I get unreasonably happy for Morrow and his 5+ ERA.

J.P. Arencibia – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs with his 23rd homer.  Someone asked yesterday where Arencibia was gonna be drafted next year.  Good question.  I think people will see the under .230 average and get scared off.  Not I, friend.  He’ll definitely be more than a blip on my radars.

Carlos Santana – Hit his 22nd homer yesterday.  You know what?  There’s actually gonna be decent depth next year for catchers.  The catcher position slept at a Holiday Inn last night.

Dustin Pedroia – 4-for-5, 2 homers, 4 runs, 5 RBIs.  Sparky Anklebiters are so cute when they get all rambunctious and yappy.

David Ortiz – Left the game with back spasms.  In elementary school, they used to say to me, “Back, spazz.”  That’s probably unrelated.

Cole Hamels – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Astros.  This coming a day after the Astros beat up on Oswalt.  The Braves should’ve made a deadline deal for J.D. Martinez, Clint Barmes and J.B. Shuck.

Jason Bourgeois – 2-for-5 with a steal.  He’s not playing every day, but when he does play, he’s hitting and stealing (.467 with 3 steals in the last week).

Gavin Floyd – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER.  I’m pretty sure Danks and Floyd pitch simply to upset fantasy owners.

David Price – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Suckie-O’s.  I expected more from Price in this start.  Am I asking too much?  Maybe I’m just like my mother, she’s never satisfied.  Wait, that’s not Price, that’s Prince.

B.J. Upton – 1-for-3 with 2 steals.  *big voice*  He’s one steal away from a 20/30 year!  *small voice*  He’s batting .235.

Pablo Sandoval – Bochy said Pablo has regained the weight he lost last winter.  He’s now back to being Pablo Sandsphere.

David Ortiz must not have fed the meter yesterday because he was fitted with a boot.  Southie police officer, “You ahr naht above the lah!  Now sign my badge for my boy, Tommy.”  Turns out Big Papi has right heel bursitis, which is a fancy word that eHow has seven useless articles about that is essentially inflammation.   Now if he has a doctor that stutters, no one will know if he’s saying “heel heel” or “heal heel.”  Or maybe he’s not a stutterer at all, but everyone who finds out his occupation just thinks he stutters because he says he’s a heel healer.  These are the things I worry about.  Your fantasy team should only have bunny ears without Papi for about a week.  He’s a quick healer (heel healer, heel? Forever, forever, ever, forever, ever?)  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Adrian Gonzalez – Francona said he thinks his sore neck is to account for A-Gon’s lack of power.  I’m not so sure, McGwire and Canseco had no necks and they hit plenty of homers.

David Price – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Last year, his xFIP was high and his walk rate was a bit high.  This year, it’s the polar opposite.  Right now, he’s pitching much better than even his 3.59 ERA is showing with a great K and walk rate.  In 2012, we’re gonna have to go all in again with Price.

Evan Longoria – 1-for-3 with his 19th homer.  In 343 ABs, he has 67 RBIs and only 79 hits.  I’m sure Jayson Stark could write a whole article about that, but that’s all I have to say on that subject.

Brian Wilson – Out for a few days with an inflamed elbow.  Pablo Sandoval, “Can I make smores on his elbow?”  I have no confirmation of this, but it sounds like Wilson’s headed for a DL stint.  If you can, I’d grab Ram-Ram and Affeldt, in that order assuming you don’t convert these posts to Hebrew.

Miguel Olivo – Sat out yesterday, and left Tuesday’s game after being hit in the jaw with a foul tip.  That was like watching a sequel to Carlos Zambrano vs. Michael Barrett, except the ball wasn’t as tightly wound as Zambrano.

Brandon Morrow – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks.  His WHIP is now 1.24, he has 154 Ks in 132 2/3 IP and 154 Ks to 50 walks.  How is his ERA 4.41?  Actually, don’t answer that, just give it as a reason to your leaguemates next year why they shouldn’t draft him, then you do.

Michael Cuddyer – Will probably end up on the DL Thursday morning, which is right now.  Hey!

Rene Tosoni – 2-for-3 with his 3rd homer.  Pretty marginal player but he makes a wonderful salmon en papillote.

Ervin Santana – 7 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 14 baserunners, 4 Ks and 129 pitches as the Sciosciapath was too distracted by Mike Napoli in the opposing dugout to lift Ervin.

Zack Greinke – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks.  He finally gets his ERA under 4.  I’m sure in March you were expecting me to say that in the middle of August.

Jhonny Peralta – 2-for-3 with his 17th homer and 64 RBI.  He’s also batting .311.  I would’ve gave my Ken Phelps rookie card for Stephen Drew to put up those numbers this year.  (BTW, you wanna laugh?  Read Ken Phelps’ Wikipedia summary.  Tell me he didn’t write that himself.  It’s like saying, “His coke bottle glasses hides his warm inviting eyes.”)

Kyle Lohse – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  ERA is now at 3.33.  He’s been completely serviceable this year, but there’s some pitchers I just won’t own, no matter the matchup.  Lohse is one of tohse.

Allen Craig – 4-for-5 with two homers.  I need to see him guaranteed everyday ABs before I’d add him.

Yadier Molina – 3-for-5 and a steal.  Yesterday, I was looking at grabbing a hitter off waivers following my rules and I kept coming back to Yadier, so I picked up Ramon Ramirez.

Jose Tabata – Hit his 4th homer in his 2nd game back.  I wouldn’t grab him for the power, but if you’re hurting for speed you can swing for Tuh-bata-bata-bata.

Derek Jeter – 4-for-5 as the Yankees wore their 2009 throwback uniforms.

Stephen Strasburg – Davey Johnson said that Strasburg could return on September 2nd.  Sounds like the Nats will be planking on a lot less unsold tickets.

Kyle Blanks – Sat out yesterday with back soreness, which left fans in the left field bleachers confused why their tickets said obstructed view.

Brandon Allen – 1-for-2 and he got the Paul O’Neill home run — a triple and a error.

Kurt Suzuki – 2 homers.  He must be drinking the same Hawaiian Punch as Shane Victorino.

Nick Markakis – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 13th home run.  He must’ve sprayed his bat with Windex.

Jair Jurrjens – 6 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K vs. the Aints.  I would’ve started Jar-Jar in this start too, so I get it, but it’s always a risky proposition when a pitcher is returning from the DL, especially one whose peripherals are saying he’s not pitching as well as his ERA is saying.

Johnny Cueto – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  ERA is now at 1.89.  For the love of Murray Chass, please don’t let the correction come until next year.

Nate Eovaldi – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks.  He didn’t quite *pinkie to mouth* domiNate.  Just about any NL West starter is worth a looksie, but Eovaldi is likely to get shutdown or moved to the bullpen after his next start or two.

Dillon Gee – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Has a decent WHIP (1.23), but I’d chalk up this solid start to vs. the Padres in Petco more than Gee.

Jose Reyes – Scheduled to run Friday.  I don’t think he has the requisite credentials but he can’t be worse than Michelle Bachman and Rick Perry.

Jonny Gomes was acquired by the Washington Nationals.  This is exciting for Gomes’s family and any National fans who like to make signs for the games but can’t write the letter H.  Gomes will platoon with Nix and, if anything, his value is hurt a bit by the home venue change.  The real story is the call up of Reds prospect, Yonder Alonso.  In 353 ABs in Triple-A this year, Alonso had 12 homers and 6 steals with a .297 average.  I took all the prospect reports on Alonso and put through my supercomputer and out came, “Should develop into a 20+ homer hitter with a great eye.  Reds TV can save time by eliminating instant replay because he runs like he’s in slow mo.”  His starting time may be iffy in Cincy, platooning in left field.  Did this stop me from grabbing him?  Well, to use one of the worst songs of all time, I’d rather hurt you with honesty than mislead you with a lie so I’ll just come out and tell you I grabbed Alonso in every league where I could.  My leagues are deep though, so in most mixed leagues you can wait to see his playing time.  In keepers and NL-Only leagues, you proceed without caution.  Or no caveat emptor, for our friends in Latin America.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jose Bautista – Left yesterday’s game after getting beaned in the melon.   He left on his own power and is being called day-to-day with no signs of a concussion.  Maybe the hit on the head will have him return as Jason Bourne.  That would be cool.  Then he bring down Aaron Hill for trying to kill my fantasy teams.

Aaron Hill – 2-for-4 with his 5th homer.  Aw, speaking of the devil, and I don’t mean devil in the idiomatic sense.  Sophisticated ignorance, write my curses in cursive.  How on earth (assuming Canada is on earth) does he only have 5 homers?  He had three months last year where he hit 5 or more homers.  Maybe his bats ain’t accustomed to going through customs.

Adam Lind – 1-for-4 with his 19th homer.  In June, he had back-to-back homer games then went four games without a homer then he hit a homer.  This month he had back-to-back homer games then went four games and guess what?  He hit a homer.  Damn, how does Jayson Stark make that trivial shizz interesting?  Oh, wait, he doesn’t.

Brandon Morrow – 3 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks.  So inconsistent proves that Morrow isn’t guaranteed for anyone.

Yunesky Maya – Gave up 7 runs in his last Triple-A start.  The Nats wish it was May 5th when he rafted over from Cuba so they could’ve sinka de Maya.

Matt Holliday – Out with food poisoning.  Rasmus sprinkled some expired Colby cheese on his lunch.

David Freese – 2-for-3 with his 5th homer.  And no injury!

Zach Britton – With a 5.40 ERA in Double-A, he’ll get the call in a doubleheader vs. the Yanks.  I’m sure Zach is thrilled.  Come on up to face the Yankees!  I’m expecting a Not-So-Great Britton.

J.J. Hardy – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and 2 homers to bring his season total to 16.  Potatoes to chips, I never thought I’d be so happy to own Hardy.  For those new to the site, the potatoes to chips phrase’s sole purpose is to befuddle you into thinking it means something.  Don’t be fooled!  But feel free to use it in everyday conversation.  Potatoes to chips, I already brought in the mail.  Potatoes to chips, I have to stay late at work so start dinner without me.  Potatoes to chips, I have herpes.  It works for every occasion!

Derrek Lee – 4-for-5, 5 RBIs with his 11th home run.  When we’re in July and he gets more than 12% of his RBIs in one game, it’s not a season to remember.  But — and this is a J. Lo-sized but — he’s been a 2nd half hitter in recent memory.

Vance Worley – 9 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks.  About two weeks ago when I told you to pick up Worley, someone commented that he (Worley, not the commenter) was due for a regression.  He has a 2.02 ERA — of course he’s going to regress!  Still, while he’s pitching like Sandy Koufax meets Don Drysdale — Dandy Koufdale, pick him up.

Jered Weaver – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks for his 14th win.  Through 161 innings(!), his ERA is now at 1.79 (!!) with a 0.95 WHIP (!!!).  He makes me want to grow a mullet and be ugly.

Jordan Zimmermann – 6 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  The bad news is he’s limping to the “You’re finished” line.  Good news is he’s lowering his draft position for next year.

Emilio Bonifacio – 2-for-4 as Emily Boneface’s hitting streak has reached 24 games.  Pretty remarkable from a guy who I’m not even sure has ever hit in 24 games total throughout a season.

Logan Morrison – 1-for-4 with his 16th homer.  Morrison didn’t break on through like I thought he would so far this year.  His walk rate has plummeted pretty dramatically, which makes me think he might be pressing because of some bad luck with balls hit into play.  Or as Shakira might say, BABIPs don’t lie.

Josh Johnson – However, ball clubs do lie.  It’s now being reported that Johnson won’t pitch again in 2011.  I have a secret for you, he won’t pitch all of 2012 either.  Let’s call it an educated guess.

Brian McCann – The mysterious oblique injury laid dormant for a few weeks, letting hamstring pulls and concussions take center stage, but now it’s back.  McCann might be McCan’t for a few weeks as he was placed on the 15-day DL.

CC Sabathia – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners and he struck out 14 of 25 Mariners he faced.  In an effort to stop the losing streak, Eric Wedge shaved off his mustache.  That’s all you had going for you, man.  Everyone knows the entire cliche is “Don’t shoot the messenger and don’t ever shave your mustache.”  Through the years the “don’t ever shave your mustache” part was dropped because it’s IMPLIED!

David Ortiz – 4-for-5, 5 RBIs and Dustin Pedroia also went 4-for-5.  With the Yankees vs. the Mariners blowout and the Sawx playing the peasant Royals, Selig’s league parity is working almost as well as his toupee.

Billy Butler – 3-for-4 with his 2nd homer this week.  One for each of his luscious moobs.  Along with Derrek Lee, he was also in the 2nd half hitters to watch post.

Neftali Feliz – 1/3 IP, 2 ER and the blown save.  Guess he’s using reverse psychology to convince the Rangers they don’t need Heath Bell.

Adam Dunn – 1-for-4 with a homer.  I didn’t see it so I’m gonna assume the box score had a typo.  Carry on.

Johnny Cueto – 5 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks and 6 unearned runs.  I nearly had a heart attack from this ticker shock.

Joey Votto – 2-for-4 and his first homer in what feels like a year but is really only since July 8th.  Someone asked in our forums why no power for Votto and I’m really not sure.  His line drive percentage is way up and his homer per fly ball is down, so maybe he’s just making too good of contact, if such a thing exists.  It’s not like his other numbers are poor.  I think it’s the kind of thing that will correct itself.

John Axford – Tied Doug Jones’ Brewers record for consecutive saves (25).  Doug Jones still owns the record for mistaking the kielbasa mascot from the 7th inning stretch race for an actual sausage and biting its ankle.  A record seven times!

Tim Byrdak – Got the save yesterday because Parnell and Izzy were used the last two days.  Oh, and July 27th is the winning entry for “Pick the date Tim Byrdak makes it into a roundup.”

Tim Lincecum – Was scratched with a bad case of the flu.  Brian Wilson rubbed VapoRub on Lincecum’s hairless chest and said, “I’m a certified ninja and home nurse.  He’ll be feeling better quicker than a penguin screws a duck.  Giants do it with science.  Now watch me eat a lemon and a lime and piss Sprite!”

Jhoulys Chacin was walking more yesterday than my grandfather on a treadmill behind a hot number (his words).  Yo-leash’s line 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (6 walks), 7 Ks.  Am I worried that Chacin isn’t going to have a sub-3 ERA all year?  Yeah, of course, I’m worried.  What, am I delusional?  Am I wearing wearing a pirate costume and dictating my blog posts to homeless people behind a Consumer Value Store?  No, of course, I’m not.  I’m behind a Walgreens.  I do not wish to talk about Chacin’s eventual regression.  Yes, I am not using contractions to show how serious I am.  I own Yo-leash all over the place and…Ugh.  We might be at his peak value.  This is sorta like when I told you to sell Matt Joyce a week before he started washing his hands in the urinal and peeing in the sink.  I don’t think Chacin will completely collapse but he’s more of a 3.50-3.75 ERA pitcher.  Trust me, I wish he were going to be this good all year too.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Seth Smith – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs as The Lisper’s Nightmare hit his 7th and 8th home runs.  He’s fine for a fifth outfielder in a deep league, but, man, owning him is the fantasy baseball equivalent to watching paint dry.  Rub Wiggy’s head and get crazy hot for a week once in a while, would ya?

Madison Bumgarner – 1/3 IP, 8 ER.  Eight scored so fast on this Bum even Ron Jeremy was amazed.

Eli Whiteside – 2-for-3 with his 2nd home run.  In honor of the homer, Katz’s Deli is giving thirty cents off every stuffed derma purchase.

Alexi Casilla – 2-for-5 with his 2nd home run in as many games after hitting one home run in his previous 400+ at-bats.  Give Jose Bautista back his bat!

Chad Billingsley – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Part of me thinks he pitched well so you put him back in your lineup for his next start only to have him crush your hopes again.

Zack Greinke – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Member after his last start I said run out and buy him?  Can you still?  Rhetorical!

Jonathan Lucroy – 3-for-4 after hitting a home run on Monday.  Ebb and flow of the season and it looks like he might be flowing again.

Wily Mo Pena – 1-for-4 with a home run.  Short term power add.  Or in leagues that count Pedro Serrano lookalikes.

Krispie Young – Hit his 15th home run yesterday.  Haven’t talked much about Krispie this year, but he’s having another solid year.  15 homers, 8 steals and, even more encouraging, his average is up to .253.  You’d take that from Krispie and like it.

Mike Moustakas – 0-for-4, average down to .219.  Hosmer went 0-for-4, average down to .276.  They’re rookies, ya’ll.  Sometimes you get lightning, sometimes you get cloudy with a chance of crapballs.

Paul Konerko – 2-for-3 with his fifth homer in five games to bring his season total up to 21.  He blew my expectations for him out of the water about a month ago and now he’s riding a magical dolphin around in the sky and beating up those expectations with its fin.

Carlos Pena – Now has homers in back-to-back games.  Will homer at least three more times in the next week.  You can put it on the boooooooard–Sorry, wrong side of Chicago.

Brett Wallace – 0 for his last 16, hasn’t hit over .300 in two months.  Maybe the Astros can trade him back to the Jays…Or A’s…Or Cards.

Michael Young – 3-for-5 with his 4th home run.  Hey, maybe his power might come around, but I think he’s still gonna top out around 12 homers and his name carries more value.

Brandon League – Gave up a few unearned runs and then was hit by a comebacker and limped out of the game.  David Pauley, which sounds like a made up name, was then called on to close it out.  He didn’t do so well, but he has recently been solid.  Oh, who am I kidding?  This is a mess if League’s not closing games.  You can grab Pauley or Jamey Wright or Jamey Pauley, but only in the deepest of leagues where you really need saves.

Doug Fister – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I think he’s been in Smokey’s weekend 2 start pitcher post like 8 weeks in a row.

Roger Bernadina – 1-for-3 as he got to Fister in the two hole.

Brian Roberts – Won’t be back until after the All-Star Game.  Can backdate that news to 2008.

Cory Luebke – Will join the Padres rotation.  Luebke has a 9+ K-rate in middle relief, but I imagine that’ll come down to around a 7+ in the rotation.  Still totally usable if nowhere else except in Petco.  Wonder Twin powers in the form of…a Hodgepadre!

David Ortiz – 0-for-5 with a steal.  How’d he get a 89 foot lead off of first?

J.J. Hardy – 2-for-5 with his 9th home run.  Not sure if he gave the signal, but he’s unleashing hell, Maximus.

Javier Vazquez – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 10 hits, 4 Ks.  No earned runs, but he’s still fooling no one.  I mean, he’s doing that age-old trick where you pull your thumb apart and five-year-olds are rolling their eyes at him.

Ervin Santana – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks and pulled after 76 pitches as the Sciosciapath decided to start managing his NL-style-baseball-that-is-usually-kept-at-bay-in-the-AL.  Can imagine what a nightmare he’d be if he managed in the NL.  He’d double switch every inning and run out of pitchers by the 7th.  “NL’s where it’s at, hooooo-mees!”  That’s Scioscia talking through his auto-tune app.

James McDonald – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks, now has an ERA of 4.86 and a WHIP of 1.62.  I’ve seen peg boys put together better stretches.

Mike Minor – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  After the game, Minor’s bags were sent to the, um, minors.

Jonny Venters – Pitched a random insignficant inning yesterday.  Not for nothing, which is my mom’s favorite expression, the Braves are ruining Venters’s arm.  Every time Venters enters a game, Scott Proctor shudders.

Jason Bay – 3-for-3 with a home run and he just missed a 2nd one.  I don’t think he’s suddenly rediscovered 2009, but he looked locked in yesterday.  Worth a quick flyer to see if he can stay hot for a week or so.

Dillon Gee – 4 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners (6 walks), 1 K.  Prior to this start, Gee looked like he was composed almost entirely of phat, but yesterday Gee looked like butter without the ‘er.’  Here’s a proper visual aid.  The preceding sentence was for our one reader in India.  Hey, Bhishma!