Hold the Internet presses (which is just posting a silly video; that makes the internet stop)! Jonathan Villar isn’t owned in more than 50% of leagues? That feels like a personal slight against my manhood. And my manhood is already slight! Hey, Previous Sentence Grey, not cool! My bad, Next Sentence Grey, but you set yourself up! This is like a Yo Momma episode on MTV where everyone called in sick so they had one schizophrenic guy play both sides. Yo, Momma is so fat her blood type is gravy! *same guy runs to other side* Oh! Oh! Okay, well, your Momma is so dumb she drafted A.J. Pollock! Snap! *runs to the other side, but pulls hammy* Yo Momma, shoot, can we pause? My hammy’s torn. *collapses onto ground* Don’t think MTV didn’t consider the one man Yo Momma show. Insider talk, they are one of the cheapest channels. It’s no surprise all of their shows star unknowns. Okay, this is neither funny nor that illuminating. I love Villar because SAGNOF. I hear ya, prematurely balding man, what happens when Arcia is called up? Well, we don’t know when Orlando Arcia will be called up and Villar can play 3rd (since everyone is over Hill, especially Aaron) or Villar can play 2nd, and Scooter’s a platoon guy that can’t always get it out of first. Villar has 40-steal speed and should not be on waivers anywhere. *pulled hammy Yo Momma guy pokes his head up* Yo Momma is so ugly…Yeah, I can’t continue, my hammy is killing me. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Evan Gattis – Osso Buco was sent down to the minors to get a veal for catching. When he returns, they’re not going to have him Milanese on the bench. Hmm, maybe I shouldn’t write these with Giada on in the background.
Steve Pearce – This guy reminded me of Guy Pearce, which reminded me of one of my cheapest Halloween costumes ever. I wrote in magic marker on my body, “Brush teeth,” “Comb hair,” “Go to the bathroom,” and other inane things to be the Memento guy. As for Steve Pearce, yeah, he’s hot.
A.J. Reed – Arenthal James is going to be the lede in about two weeks when he’s healthy again. At that point, it’s going to be hard to get him in competitive leagues, so act now. Though, this admittedly could make it hard now too.
Aaron Hill – I mentioned Hill earlier as bound to lose playing time to Villar, and, yes, that’s true, but Arcia is not up in the majors now and Hill is schmotato’ing.
Derek Dietrich – His last name is the subject of 98% of all late-night informercials. Lose weight or get rich.
Javier Baez – I like Baez a lot as a bench bat that you can play when he’s playing, but you will get an aneurysm trying to figure out when Maddon is going to play him and when he’s not.
Trea Turner – The hype will become more fevered as we get closer to June, so it depends on how quickly you need to react to pick up Turner. He won’t be up for a month. In some leagues, you can wait until the day he’s called up. In my leagues, he’s owned already. You just need to react appropriately, unlike that time your girlfriend asked if she looked fat in that dress.
Jonathan Schoop – You know Schoop hits homers just for the smell of it, just for the yell it gets, right? That does make you want a Schoop, doesn’t it?
Zack Cozart – Odd how long people are taking to grab Cozart. I mean, he’s not the meow’s cat, but he’s hitting around .340 with power and batting leadoff. With Cozart, what are you so concerto’d about?
Ketel Marte – Who’s house?! This guy can run’s house!
Danny Santana – What’s funny (not funny), I still call him Dannys Antana and the reason I do that isn’t even a factor anymore. Though, I guess Kendrys is still around. The real reason was Kennys Vargas.
Marcell Ozuna – OZUNA not owned in 50% of leagues? OZUNA has the feels. OZUNA wonder if this is manopause.
Avisail Garcia – I contemplated not even putting Avisail here because he’s so passive aggressive that once I mention him, he’ll stop hitting.
Steven Moya – Moya? Oh boya! He was called up on Thursday to face righties in the Tigers outfield. *you thinking for longer than you should* You, “Hey, there’s more righties than lefties!” That’s right, you. Moya should play a good amount of time. So, why do we care? He had nine homers in 31 Triple-A games. Well, hello there! Not a hirame, either. He had 20 homers in Triple-A last year, 35 homers in Double-A and ZiPs projects him for 17 homers in the majors this year. I don’t think there’s any fantasy leagues where he can’t at least be a flyer for power.
Aaron Hicks – His playing time is going to suffer when Ellsbury returns, but there’s at least a 60% chance that Ellsbury returns and realizes he shouldn’t have returned and needs a DL stint.
Hector Neris – Jeanmar’s not very good. Is Neris that great? Well, said Ronald Reagan, I wouldn’t go that far. But the Phils seem to want to work Neris into the closer role.
Trevor May – Jepsen is hot garbage under the seat of your car while it’s parked in the Mojave, and Perkins has arm issues, so I’d stash May.
Brad Boxberger – He’ll be the closer when he returns next week. Nobody puts berger in a box! Nobody puts Brad in a Boxberger? Hmm, I’ll work on it.
Sam Dyson – It’s only a matter of time until Dyson is the closer in Texas. By the power vested in me by the state of Calli-forn-ya, I now pronounce Dyson SAGNOF worthy. You may kiss your cheap saves.
Jameson Taillon – Word on the streets of Pittsburgh, Pee Aye, is that Taillon will be up before Glasnow. Wouldn’t surprise me. Niese is garbage that you shape in the form of a nose and Locke is no, uh, lock. Right now, Taillon is dancing through Triple-A like it’s Powderpuff baseball — 1.69 ERA, 4 walks in 37 1/3 IP. I’d stash him now in deeper leagues.
Kevin Gausman – When it comes to picking up a guy, y’all have the reaction time of Robert De Niro from Awakenings.
Nathan Karns – Prolly too late to get him for his start today in many leagues, but, assuming that goes well, he gets the Orioles in B-More next and that’s an awful start. Okay, in deep leagues, stash Karns for when he’s at home, but he’s still a streamer in shallower leagues.
Clay Buchholz – I hate ‘hholz. A true hate ‘hholz’er. A severe dislike. But the Stream-o-Nator likes him tomorrow, and I could see streaming him in an H2H league where you need starts for the week. I need a dentist/proctologist because I have caveats with my Butthurtz!
Dallas Keuchel – Ah, yes, the patented sell low. It was patented by the Native Americans when they sold Manhattan for $24, but, since they invested that $24 wisely, it’s now worth over one-point-two billion in accrued interest. Can you get that sorta return from Keuchel? Aw, hellz no, Unkie Biscuitpants, as my 14-year-old nephew texts. Keuchel’s garbage. His stats aren’t screaming for a turnaround. Sure, he’s prolly not a 5.58 ERA pitcher, but his velocity’s down, walks are up, Ks are down, ground balls are down, but not in the way you want them so actually up. It’s all bad news. If you can finagle like a lousy bagel and sell him for anything, I would do it. Let him be someone else’s problem.
Daniel Murphy – A sell couldn’t happen to a nicer guy! We’ll leave aside his salt of the earth qualities, and I mean salt there like how when you have too much of it and it gives you the Gas Face and makes you pucker like your dog farted into your mouth. Let’s not even take into account my feelings on Murphy’s rest of the season projections. ZiPS has him down for 11 homers, 7 steals and a .300 average. Um, Yunel called and said stop stealing his trademark bleh stats. Steamer has Murphy down for 8 HRs and 5 SBs with a .311 average and Yunel called and said, “Hey, that’s me when I’m hurt!” I know, Yunel should mind his own bee’s wax. You know who never minds their own bee’s wax? Bumblebees. You say ironic, I say, I don’t know what ironic is because I’m not British. If you are British, go set up a limeade stand on your front porch and fight neighborhood scurvy. Murphy is also hitting near-.400, and it’s silly to even point out how obscenely lucky he’s been, but he has been obscenely lucky, and, yes, I’m silly. Would I trade Daniel Murphy for a pair of Ewings by Villa? Nope! Ewings worn by Bob Vila? Well, maybe, and I’d try to sell him high.