“…and the Fantasy Baseball Overlord smitten thee with wheat, maize and Christian Yelich, then said, ‘You can’t have all three, you must choose two,’ and the people of Jerusalem, Wisconsin, a small city outside of Milwaukee, received their bounty of corn and wheat to make beer and dispatched Yelich to a nearby hospital.” — The Book of Uecker. *makes sign of the cross* Sadly, it’s written, therefore it is, as they say in elementary schools using fifteen-year-old textbooks. The bright side to come out of Yelich’s body issue — not the one that your sister touched herself to, the other one — is Trent Grisham should leadoff and play every day. Remember, he was a guy who hit 13 HRs and stole six bags, while hitting .381, in only 34 minor league games, and could be worth a pick up in all leagues for the stretch-run. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Robinson Chirinos – Fun fact! Rob-Chiri is not related to Neneh Cherry, but sometimes when he gets in the crouch, he calls it his Buffalo Stance. Also, on the Player Rater, Uh-Oh Chirinos is a top 11 catcher, so if you’re in a 12-team league, he should be at 100% owned. Of course, he’s not.
Garrett Cooper – Nope, there are no 1st basemen this week to add, just like there were no 1st basemen last week to add. Don’t worry, there’s about forty-five 2nd basemen. Let’s get to it, shall we?
Starlin Castro – On the 7-day Player Rater, Castro is a top 10 bat, which is something we all saw coming two weeks ago. You remember two weeks ago, when Hot Girl Summer ended and thus began Fat Boy Fall.
Robinson Cano – Me buying 2nd basemen the last two weeks can be compared to me buying vape products. “Yes, I’m here to meet with a same-day loan specialist. I’m looking to borrow $10,000 to buy vape products in case they get outlawed. For starters, I need a 4-liter container of Kiwiberry juice.” If you think this does not affect you, let me paraphrase my favorite poem, “First they came for our Juuls, and we did nothing.”
Ryan McMahon – Whee! He’s in Coors! And I’m drinking Kiwiberry vape juice cuz DGAF!
Kolten Wong – I was looking at Wong and he surprised me. His launch angle is up and he’s more than a streamer–Sorry, I’m typing this up in a highway rest stop. His stats did surprise me, however. 10/20/.280? I know offense is goofy, but that’s not bad at all.
Nick Solak – Sure, we’re all excited that the Slovak Olympics baseball team has a new 2nd basemen for the 2020 Olympics, but I’m also excited for Solak in the next two weeks and 2020. Yo, Rangers, get some Odor-eaters and clean out your clubhouse!
Scott Kingery – Was mentioning this to a commenter the other day after Kingery sped around the bases on an inside-the-parker, Kingery has 30+ steal speed, in addition to the 25-homer power. Feel like I’ve already started writing my Kingery 2020 sleeper. Inject 25-homer, 30-steal guys directly into my veins.
Hernan Perez – Will the middle infidels ever end this week? I’m guessing yes, but it’s simply a guess and I am a simple man like Simple Jack who dresses like Slingblade every Halloween.
Mauricio Dubon – Here’s what Prospect Itch wrote the other day, “(Dubon) could provide a spark at the keystone in San Francisco. Dubon’s probably not as good as his .302/.345/.477 AAA line, but he’s popped 20 home runs and stolen ten bags across 123 games and should be tracked in all leagues, like I’d like a sniper to track Grey.” What the hell, man?
Harold Castro – He’s hitting near-.420 in the last week, or as Ted Williams’s Frozen Head once said, “A bad season.”
Victor Reyes – Boku Tigers hitters this week gonna take me down to Paradise City! Where the grass is green and their pitchers are shitty. By the way, why does Axl keep wanting to be taken home to Paradise City? If that shizz was paradise, why’d you leave, bro? Couldn’t afford it due to skyrocketing rents? You can’t earn a livable wage elsewhere, then expect to get back to paradise. Doesn’t work that way. You need to stay there and eat the cheese off of discarded pizza boxes.
Kyle Tucker – Already gave you my Kyle Tucker fantasy. I wrote it while getting black market Gucci loafers from some guy named Gustavo. Also, gave you my Gavin Lux fantasy, while bartering with Gustavo.
Kyle Lewis – This guy being called up and outproducing Tucker and Lux, combined, is so baseball that baseball is filing a trademark infringement case.
Nick Wittgren – Here’s what I said this morning, “(Hand) left the club to get an MRI. It came back clean, which is misread as more proof by the old Greek mother who uses Windex to ward off disease. Not, clean like that, Athena. Francona said Hand will be day-to-day and might need to be built back up to the closer role, so the 9th inning is wide open, and I mean that literally. The Indians have a gorgeous bullpen behind Hand, but a bit too gorgeous because they can go a bunch of different ways. I grabbed Nick Wittgren, but there’s also Adam Cimber, Oliver Perez, Tyler Clippard and Nick Goody.” And that’s me quoting me!
Jairo Diaz – *teases hair straight up with four cans of Aqua Net, grabs microphone* Belting, “Holding out for a Jairo ’til the end of the night! He’s gotta be strong! He’s gotta throw fast! And he gotta be *mumbles* something-something fight…I need a Jairo!”
Lorenzo Cain – On the 30-day Player Rater, Cain is ranked around 225 overall. Uh, Booboo Stewart, that is not good. That’s about the same as Pedro Severino. Pedro Severino is not the name of Luis Severino. The Pedro and the Luis are different. The long journey that is a fantasy baseball career is coming to the end for Cain…Sugar! and, if you still own him, you’re the guy wearing the captain’s hat on the Titanic pointing to the lifeboats.
Joey Votto – Was shocked to see Votto owned in 88% of RCL leagues. You’re nostalgic for a better time. I can understand that. If you’re feeling nostalgic, find some clean drinking water, use your AOL username, RossNRachel4Evr and only use 140 characters in your tweets, but lose Votto.