To make sure I don’t miss any player in my rankings, I go through every team’s depth charts and I go through every eligible player who is projected for at least one at-bat by Steamer. After I looked through the players with at least one at-bat at 2nd base, I vomited in my mouth, then spit said vomit onto the ground and it spelled out, “Gnarly.” My vomit is right. 2nd base is not a pretty position. Shortstops got younger in the last year and some guys are coming to make it even better. The top 20 1st basemen wasn’t straight gorge, but there was plenty of talent there from veterans. The top 20 catchers are always ugly, but these top 20 2nd basemen are giving the catchers a run for their money. There’s only three guys with legit 20-homer power and three guys with easy 20-steal speed. One that will hit .300 and zero that will get 100 RBIs. I don’t know what happened to the latest crop of 2nd basemen, but I have a theory. Twelve years ago, when these 2nd basemen were learning the position, their role model was Bret Boone. Boone used to frost his hair blonde, so all the kids learning 2nd base at that time, frosted their hair too. Then their friends beat the crap out of them, and that was the end of all future 2nd basemen. Here’s the position eligibility chart for 2016 fantasy baseball. All the 2016 fantasy baseball rankings are under that linkie-ma-whosie. As always, my projections and tiers are included for the low, low price of zero dollars. Anyway, here’s the top 20 2nd basemen for 2016 fantasy baseball:
1. Jose Altuve – Went over him in the top 20 for 2016 fantasy baseball.
2. Dee Gordon – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until here. I call this tier, “How about we draft a power OF or cornerman? What say you?” Gordon should be okay (for what he is). If he falls, I could see drafting him. There were only seven players total last year that stole 30 bases. Ron LeFlore and his go-go 1980s are gone. 17 Red Bulls don’t do what they used to. (Quite literally, they used to kill you flat, but now with the added ingredient that Red Bull can’t even spell for their can, customers can drink up to 22 Red Bulls and merely have heart palpitations.) “A bowl of greenies” now refers to the M&M’s that the more superstition players won’t eat. “Jobu doesn’t eat green M&M’s!” Due to Obamacare, the number of quacks that will prescribe Adderall for no reason is at an all-time low. We need to do something! Enter Dee Gordon, cape and all. Damn, due to his cape and 125-pound frame, he just blew back out of the room. 2016 Projections: 101/3/42/.297/59
3. Brian Dozier – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until here. I call this tier, “Take me to church! I’ll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies! I’ll–Wait, that’s Hozier, not Dozier.” I don’t enjoy breaking up tiers this quickly, but these first few guys are all their own thing. Dozier’s projected average for me is .231. Steamer has him bouncing back from his .236 average last year and hitting .241. I kinda feel that my .231 average for him is being optimistic. I have concerns that he’s headed in the direction of being a .210 hitter. He found more power last year with 28 homers, but it was at the expense of him swinging at everything like he was Tarzan. I’m likely being overly cautious since he’s in his prime and proven to be a .240 hitter. Either way, or eye-thurr way if Clingy is reading, I’m likely not drafting him unless he falls. 2016 Projections: 92/24/72/.231/10
4. Rougned Odor – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until here. I call this tier, “What’s that smell? Ironically, it’s all of the 2nd basemen except Odor.” The tier name refers to the one 2nd baseman in the top 100 overall that I’m extremely excited about. I wanna rock this sweater and waft some Odor onto my team. I already gave you my Rougned Odor sleeper. I wrote it while wondering if The Chronicles of Riddick had anything to do with Riddick Bowe. 2016 Projections: 81/19/69/.253/15
5. Matt Carpenter – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Cano. I call this tier, “Pass the Dutchie, and Carpenter and Cano.” This tier refers to how I’m avoiding these guys. As for Carpenter, I’m gonna be real with you, I don’t even know what Carpenter is at this point. Knowing isn’t half the battle like an STD. Knowing is the whole battle. I don’t want to not know what I’m drafting. He seems like he could hit 25+ HRs if he wants to, but how the hell are we supposed to know what he wants to do? Do we have Magic Eight Balls on top of our shoulders? No, we have heads. We can’t tell the future. And I’m not talking about capital Future and f*ckin up some commas. 2016 Projections: 97/19/62/.275/5
6. Robinson Cano – I can’t imagine anyone else ranking Cano this late, which means whatever I say here won’t matter because there’s no way you’re drafting him. But, what the eff, I’ll go ahead and say some stuff anyway. Stuff, stuff, stuff. Oh, and his strikeouts were a career high, his speed is gone with age, he’s a 18-homer hitter and that’s about it. I wouldn’t count on a high average from him anymore. His contact percentage was a career low and his swinging strike percentage was at a career high. He’s a guy that swings a lot and now he stopped making contact. To give this to you like a cartoon, Cano’s average is holding an anvil and he just stepped off a cliff. Next, he’ll look down, then his value will plummet to meet the anvil. 2016 Projections: 75/17/80/.275/3
7. Jonathan Schoop – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Russell. I call this tier, “Get your sleepers! *pokes you with a stick, waking you* We have sleepers as in underrated players, not meaning for you to take a nap.” I already went over my Jonathan Schoop sleeper. I wrote it while ghostwriting Drake’s lyrics. 2016 Projections: 73/26/85/.245/3
8. Brett Lawrie – I already went over my Brett Lawrie sleeper. It was written without the letter J due to my broken typewriter. 2016 Projections: 71/20/82/.264/14
9. Starlin Castro – Here’s what I said this offseason about Castro, “I want to say unequivocally that this is the best landing spot for him in the majors outside of Coors. Castro has totally failed as a top prospect– Oh, wait, he’s only 25 years old. This was a case where the Cubs didn’t make a bad deal; they just had too much of a good thing with middle infielders, and their eyes set on Messin’ Wit’ The Zo’. Starlin Castro feels set up to have his biggest season to date, and I’m going to project him as such.” And that’s me quoting me! 2016 Projections: 72/16/77/.274/7
10. Addison Russell – Member when Joe Maddon said he was batting Russell ninth to help take the pressure off of him? Of course, that was complete nonsense, he just didn’t know how to squeeze him into the top of the lineup. Be interesting to hear what he says in Russell’s third season when he still has him batting ninth. I’m guessing something like, “He’s just really comfortable batting ninth.” Ri9ght. Sadly, I don’t see how Russell moves up now. Maybe as the two-hole hitter if Zobrist gets hurt, but otherwise I don’t see it. That’s a shame too. Not a shame, a product, Naughty by Nature. 2016 Projections: 62/16/66/.252/7
11. Ian Kinsler – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Phillips. I call this tier, “Do you have a death wish?” With this tier name, I mean if you draft someone from this tier, you could die of boredom. I don’t want to draft an MI from this tier. For an MI, I prefer to take a late flyer. Now whether that is an upside flyer from the 2nd basemen or the shortstops, doesn’t matter. As for Kinsler, how much you like counting stats? The answer to that will explain how much you like Kinsler. 2016 Projections: 92/12/73/.277/12
12. Anthony Rendon – I like Samardzija this year after he moved to San Fran, so, yes, Rendon screwed me big time last year, but I don’t hold grudges. I hold grudge matches with strangers off of Craigslist! At this point, I need to see another top season before I go in on Rendon again. In his big season, he stole 17 bases. He has speed for around five steals. Not sure where the 17 steals came from, but I doubt we see them again. Last year, he stole one base in 80 games. I get it, he had injury concerns, but still I’m not expecting 17 steals again. Then, in his breakout season, he hit 21 homers. Up until that point, his high in a season of the minors was seven homers. Last year, he hit 5 homers in 80 games. He feels like a guy that could go 14 HR/7 SB with good counting stats. That, really, truly, interjection, is not that exciting. 2016 Projections: 88/14/68/.285/7
13. Jason Kipnis – If he had neutral luck on his BABIP last year, he would’ve had a season of 9 HRs, 12 SBs, .260. Seriously, he could be that bad. He’s only ranked this high because he stole 30+ bases in the past, hit 17 HRs in the past and is only 28 years old. Similar to Carpenter, I have no idea what we’ll get. What I do know is he’d need to hit about 270 fly balls to approach 20 HRs (he hits around 130) and, when he does hit a homer, he doesn’t hit them far. He has a better chance of stealing 20 bases and I don’t see him doing that either. So, we’re left with good counting stats. Yay. 2016 Projections: 91/10/54/.288/15
14. Neil Walker – Here’s what I said this offseason, “(Walker was) traded to the Mets for Jon “The Nose” Niese. Niese’s WWE catchphrase is, “Get in pecking order!” I imagine the Mets were over the moon to make this trade. For example, ‘You mean you’re going to give us something for a guy we don’t need at all?’ This is like Alanis Morissette getting a knife for one of her 10,000 spoons.” And that’s me copying and pasting me! 2016 Projections: 72/18/69/.273/3
15. Dustin Pedroia – I’m guessing someone from this tier will emerge to have one more season that won’t kill anyone with boredom. I would not guess that guy to be Pedroia. He now has two straight subpar seasons under his belt, and, on the Red Sox, only Sandoval has room for that much under his belt. 2016 Projections: 78/10/51/.274/5
16. Howie Kendrick – Sure taking a long time for the offseason to develop, right? Kendrick is usually the kind of player that teams love to sign. He gives you okay/bleh/okay/solid/bleh. I mean, where else can you get that?! I will update Kendrick’s projections when he officially signs somewhere, but he’s the type of guy that is exactly the same wherever he is. Sounds like he’d be the life of a party. Sideways, squiggly emoticon yawning. UPDATE: Howie re-signed with the Dodgers and is slated to leadoff, which should last until about April 3rd. Or until Dave Roberts sees Corey Seager’s shadow. 2016 Projections: 73/10/68/.285/6
17. Ben Zobrist – Here’s what I said this offseason, “(Zobrist) signed with the Cubs. After Castro was traded away, there was a millisecond where Javier Baez’s dynasty owners thought they had a starting infielder for the Cubs. If you play back the tape between Castro being traded away and the Cubs signing Zobrist, you can hear a champagne pop, then immediately you hear a whiney, “Oh, c’mon!” I’m not a huge fan of Zobrist for fantasy, but you know who is a fan of his? Joe Maddon, and that’s why Zobrist will likely bat 2nd in a stacked lineup.” And that’s me–Well, you know. 2016 Projections: 89/12/59/.279/9
18. Daniel Murphy – Went over him in the top 20 1st basemen for 2016 fantasy baseball.
19. Brandon Phillips – His 2016 comes down to whether or not last year was a dead cat bounce? Hard to say, but I wouldn’t want to draft him and get a repeat of his 2014 with 8 HRs and 2 steals, which was a total me-ouch. By the way, do you think Siamese cats move to the other side of the road when they see Ben Carson? 2016 Projections: 78/10/52/.271/14
20. Scooter Gennett – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Spangenberg. I call this tier, “Part-time lovers.” By the tier name, I mean these guys are projected to platoon. Also, you’d have to be blind to miss my love for these part-time lovers. You have an MI slot? Then fill ‘er up! As for Scooter, beep-beep! Here he comes. Hopefully. If not this year, then prolly never. Oh, and there’s something to what I was saying about this tier. I’d go for a guy in this tier in shallower leagues because there’s a good chance I’m gonna want to drop one by mid-April, and, in shallower leagues, there will be waiver options. 2016 Projections: 72/12/51/.266/9 in 500 ABs
21. Kolten Wong – Another thing about this tier and why this tier is more for shallower leagues, you can pick up a guy to fill in on days Wong or someone in this tier is benched vs. a lefty or a tough pitcher. Matt Carpenter has 3rd base locked down in St. Louis, so that leaves Wong and Gyorko as the most unfortunate named platoon since Rusty Kuntz and Bradley Gingerclam. I’m guessing (hoping) that Wong emerges with 80% of playing time and most of the value as Gyorko fills in on occasion for Wong and Carpenter. A fill-in for Wong? Sounds like someone has a detachable penis. By the way, “Detachable Penis” is the most unlikely hit song ever or only top five? 2016 Projections: 55/14/58/.259/13 in 480 ABs
22. Alen Hanson – “Micah Johnson is the sleeper that no one is talking about that everyone is actually talking about,” said every fantasy baseball ‘pert last year, except me. “He’s an absolute steal of drafts that is no longer a steal because everyone is telling you he is a steal. Plus, he can steal!” That’s still ‘perts from last year talking up Micah Johnson. You can change the name to Alen Hanson for this year and it’ll be the same thing. When it appears all but a lock that Hanson will be the starter, everyone is going to go crazy for him. Well, they’ll go crazy for him until he hits .215 in April. Hanson did have 35 steals in Triple-A last year, and hit double digit homers other minor league years, so he’s worth a flyer at MI, but you have to be ready to cut bait by mid-April. Hanson could be mmm good or mmm-flop. UPDATE: Sadly, the Pirates signed David Freese, which kills Hanson’s value. Mmmflop. 2016 Projections: 53/4/51/.234/26 in 420 ABs
22. Jace Peterson – I call this segment of our program, “Know your Jace, playboy.” I just went to investigate his speed in a two-minute highlight reel because something wasn’t computing for me. Mostly, his 12 steals in 22 attempts. That’s like the success rate of the World’s Dumbest Criminals on TruTV. So, my takeaway from his highlight reel? He’s a tall guy with some speed. Physically, he looked like a tall Rafael Furcal. I will call him Rafael Furtall. Though, he didn’t have Furcal’s speed. He doesn’t look like a 50-steal guy as he was one year in the minors. Maybe 20 to 25 steals. He is old for having never done anything in the majors (will be 26 this year), and will likely split time unless he breaks out, as with everyone in this tier. 2016 Projections: 51/8/57/.232/17
23. Trea Turner – I like Turner a lot. No, it’s not because he sounds like a 90s talk show host that would specialize in awkward family reunions. “Coming up right after Jenny Jones, it’s Trea Turner! Watch when blood tests lead to brand new fathers!” I like Turner because he could have 35-steal speed, but, I have to be honest, I have no idea what the Nationals are going to do with him. My guess is they’ll send him down until June. So, he’s not exactly a part-time player, but he will get about as many at-bats as the guys in this tier. There is a chance Turner breaks camp with the club, which will in turn break the internet. Or at least the fantasy baseball internet. The fantasy baseball internet is represented with a badonkadonk like Kim Kardashian’s, but it’s on Ron Shandler instead. 2016 Projections: 42/6/57/.243/19 in 375 ABs
24. Cory Spangenberg – His last name sounds like a euphemism a frat boy would call a girl he’d sleep with. “She’s a total Spangenberg!” *high five* “Totes Spangenberg!” *high five* “I Spangenberg’d her and now I gotta go get my Spangenberg test from the free clinic because I can’t stop itching!” *and he is left hanging for a high five* The Padres have Pirela to platoon with Spangenberg, and, as you might imagine with Pirela, he has some serious wheels. Spangenberg is younger and should have the edge simply because he hits lefty. 2016 Projections: 62/6/40/.251/16
25. DJ LeMahieu – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Panik. I call this tier, “They have a full-time job. Lowercase yay!” The guys in this tier have a full-time job and that’s about the nicest compliment you’re gonna hear from me. A few of them just had a career year, and in many of their cases, last year wasn’t even that good. As for LeMahieu, he had a .362 BABIP last year and a .301 average. He’s more of a .340 BABIP/.280 guy. That’ll lose him 10 runs and RBIs from last year’s 85/61. Throw in that DJ won’t be on the lineup’s ones or twos but more in the 6th or 7th hole and another ten runs are gone. In 2014, he only stole 10 bases and he’s a 5-homer hitter. Suddenly, you’re not so excited about Mr. DJ playing every day and all night, on and on and on. 2016 Projections: 65/5/54/.274/16
26. Logan Forsythe – One thing about this tier. These guys are more valuable in deeper and/or weekly leagues where you need players going every day and can’t find guys on waivers or can’t bench someone during the week when platoon guys are benched. I had Forsythe last year in a weekly league and was very happy with him. I also picked him up in a 12-team daily league, and held him for about three days until I dropped him. That’s something not mentioned nearly enough with rankings. A ten team league’s rankings are not the same as a 15-team’s. Yahoo and ESPN aren’t the same either. Luckily, we do rankings for every league. Like a bunch of ballers! My rankings are mostly for 12 team leagues or shallower, but I give you guidance how to adjust them for deeper leagues. Like moving this tier above the last tier in deeper leagues. As for Forsythe, if you have Forsythe, you’ll likely not draft Forsythe. Best thing he has going for him is a shizzy team, so he’s bound to play if healthy. And that’s word is bound! 2016 Projections: 62/11/67/.267/8
27. Devon Travis – Ryan Goins will start the year at 2nd base, but Goins going gone once Travis returns. When will Travis return? I wanna say by June. I wouldn’t even rank him or draft Travis if I didn’t have a DL slot, but I could see stashing him while he’s injured. 2016 Projections: 42/12/46/.277/6 in 320 ABs
28. Josh Harrison – At some point, Jung-yo Momma is going to return and Hanson or Harrison will be moved to the bench or a platoon shituation. I’m hoping it’s Harrison because Hanson will be 23 on his born day and is a blessing. 2016 Projections: 62/6/49/.280/13
29. Yangervis Solarte – Went over him in the top 20 1st basemen for 2016 fantasy baseball.
30. Joe Panik – He doesn’t have a ton of power or speed or really anything but he has shown the ability to hit for a decent average and should be towards the top of the lineup. Panik in the two hole should lead to lots of runs. Hehe, sounds like you have IBS. 2016 Projections: 74/7/49/.292/8
31. Brad Miller – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Gyorko. I call this tier, “In your best Bob Sheppard voice, ‘And batting ninth or should be batting ninth…'” All the guys in this tier are bottom of their lineup hitters or should be. As for Brad Miller, I likely would’ve moved him up a tier or two if he wasn’t platooning with Tim Beckham, who might be the one guy who has disappointed on his promise more than Miller. The Rays will be giving coins out to their first 10,000 fans of the season. Those coins were made by melting down promise rings their prospects reneged on. 2016 Projections: 48/13/52/.246/12
32. Johnny Giavotella – Hey, it’s Johnny G. Fist pump! Looks to once again be the starting 2nd baseman for the Angels. Scioscia obviously has a soft spot for goombas. “Pfft!” says Mike Napoli. 2016 Projections: 48/5/53/.254/8
33. Enrique Hernandez – Enrique’s nickname, Kike, reminds me of the old joke about a man named Jose going to a baseball game and then being so overwhelmed with joy when everyone started singing to him, “Jose, can you see?” I wonder if Enrique is ever driving through the deep south and sees some hate graffiti and thinks, “Wow, it’s so nice how they welcome a Kike here.” 2016 Projections: 44/6/32/.255/3 in 300 ABs
34. Cesar Hernandez – His BABIP last year was .342 and he hit .272. In other words, with neutral luck and on any team except the Phillies, Cesar would be Roman the minor leagues. 2016 Projections: 49/1/32/.237/16
35. Danny Espinosa – He could be used as a litmus test for Nationals fans for how good their team is doing. I’ll explain. “The Nationals are doing so good they don’t even have to bring up Trea Turner!” Or, “The Nationals are doing so bad Espinosa is gonna be benched any day now so Turner can come up and spark plug this mother.” Or, “The Nationals are doing so bad Espinosa is the leadoff hitter and playing 2nd, Rendon is injured and Stephen Drew, at short, is their cleanup man. I never thought I’d miss Jim Bowden.” 2016 Projections: 52/15/48/.235/6
36. Omar Infante – Hispanic Baby Omar isn’t just any player, he’s HBO. Unfortch, he’s more like the Arliss HBO than the Game of Thrones one. Hodor! 2016 Projections: 44/6/49/.241/4
37. Aaron Hill – With the trade to Milwaukee, Hill should have a starting job until at least Arcia is promoted and perhaps longer if Villar fails to impress. Of course, that would mean Hill does impress and it takes a whole lot of tryin’ to get up that improbable Hill. 2016 Projections: 46/10/49/.237/4
38. Martin Prado – A bad hitter in a bad lineup and that’s not bad as in good, but bad as in bad. 2016 Projections: 48/7/53/.278/1
39. Jedd Gyorko – See what I said for Wong or 12 inches above, and that’s the only time I ever used 12 inches and Wong in the same sentence. 2016 Projections: 25/8/30/.256/1
40. Jose Peraza – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until the end of the list. I call this tier, “I like these guys, but their clubs don’t.” I already gave you my Jose Peraza fantasy. I wrote it sitting behind Shia LaBeouf as he watched Even Stevens. 2016 Projections: 27/1/20/.275/14 in 170 ABs
41. Wilmer Flores – As Common once sang, “It doesn’t take a whole day to recognize sunshine.” For the Mets, it would indeed take a full day. Possibly even a whole weekend if Wilmer was involved. 2016 Projections: 28/10/38/.277/1 in 275 ABs
42. Micah Johnson – Yo, Micah check one two, what is this? It’s one of the ugliest positions, so seckle with the mission of trying to draft a legit 2nd baseman, you listen? Here’s what I said about Micah this offseason, “Went one of the other ways in the Frazier deal. I get the sense that the Dodgers handle offseason trades like this, “Does this help move Alex Guerrero further down the depth charts? Then let’s try it!” I’m guessing Micah unseats Enrique Hernandez this spring, but never really keeps the job full-time.” And that’s me quoting me! UPDATE: With Howie back in LA, no one is unseating anyone for the 2nd base job, which made that the quickest game of musical chairs. 2016 Projections: 21/1/19/.247/11 in 150 ABs
43. Javier Baez – Now starting for the Nippon Umamis…Javier Baez! Or maybe someone will get injured on the Cubs. 2016 Projections: 17/3/19/.224/2 in 150 ABs
