The 13th Annual Razzballies

Welcome back to our year-end awards show! All the stars are here. There’s The Rock! Wow, he sure knows how to keep it light. *points to a rock holding open a door to let in sun* Thanks, Rock, it’s so light in here for a mother’s basement! Now, if there’s any issues with the award ballots, don’t look at me. These were all tabulated at the accounting firm of Kipnis, Tellez and Zimmerman. Stop giving them the evil eye, German Marquez! You might be wondering why I’m hosting. Well, at the last minute our other host had to back out. Sadly, Joe Buck couldn’t be hair. I mean here. Now, before we get to our first award, I just want to thank everyone. This was truly a trying year for a lot of people, and I appreciate all of you, except Cody Bellinger. Okay, now onto the awards, without which you’d have no idea who was the best and worst hitters and pitchers this year, and you’d be left giving out your own awards and no one cares if your “Low sodium tomato soup in a sourdough bowl” won your “Whitest Lunch Of All-Time” award. Stop making up fake awards! Leave that to me. Anyway, here’s the year-end awards for the best and worst of 2021 fantasy baseball:

Fantasy AL Most Valuable Player – Before getting to our first award, I’m going to pat my head and rub my stomach at the same time. Damn, I got two pats in and lifted my hand off my tummy, unable to do it. Welp, that’s about the hardest thing anyone’s ever done that takes two separate skills. Okay, on a completely unrelated note, our AL MVP goes to Shohei Ohtani. He had a $48 season when you combine pitching and hitting. Now, maybe you might be saying, “Grey, handsome face, but in my leagues if I chose to use Ohtani as a pitcher, I couldn’t use him as a hitter, and vice versa.” To which I say, why are you bringing up the great Fred Savage/Judge Reinhold movie, Vice Versa? Are you saying that because it’s like a top ten starter entered the body of a top two hitter and they shared the same body? Well, that’s more the Steve Martin/Lily Tomlin classic, All of Me, than Vice Versa. Incredibly, Ohtani and Vlad Jr. both will land on the Historical Player Rater (wanna kill two hours, check out that link) as two of the best seasons in the last 120-ish years. Ohtani, when combining his hitter and pitching scores, will end up around a top 50 season of all-time, and Cake Batter around 175. I feel for you if you couldn’t have Ohtani hit and pitch on your fantasy team at the same time, but that’s on the service providers not him. Plus, when you take into consideration his ADP, he’s easily the AL MVP. Now I will pat my stomach and rub my head…Damn! Easier said than done.

Fantasy NL Most Valuable Player –The NL Fantasy MVP, like the AL one, doesn’t take into account team wins and “intangibles.” Nope, here at Razzball HQ, we look at tangibles! And those aren’t fungible! This is commonsensible. Uh-oh, I’m stick in an ‘ible loop, what can I do? Listen to the Bible on Audible? What’s this in my pocket? A rookie card of Oddibe McDowell? Okay, I’m done. The winner is… Trea Turner. This wasn’t close. Fernando Tatis Jr. was the next closest NL player on the Player Rater, but the difference between him and Treat Urner is the same difference between Gerrit Cole and Charlie Morton, to give you two totally unrelated guys. It’s a big difference, take my word for it. Shame Tatis couldn’t be here to cheer on Treat, but he’s with his father, and they teach MS Paint art classes in the offseason. Here’s one of his beautiful illustrations:

Fantasy AL Cy Young – This came down to the final week of fantasy. One of our tightest races. Tight like…Hmm…Can’t think of anything that’s tight. Robbie Ray, any ideas? Why are you painting grey pants onto your legs instead of just putting on pants? Those are pants? Hunh, weird. I thought you wanted to be nicknamed the Dutch Boy because it looks like you paint on your pants. In just the last starts of the year, Gerrit Cole managed to squeeze in front like Ray into pants. Gerrit, come up here and collect your award–What are you doing man, leave the chair in the audience…You’re stuck to it? Oh, geez.

Fantasy NL Cy Young – The difference between Max Scherzer and the next closest pitcher is two-plus dollars. That’s any starter, not just an NL starter. That’s a difference between Kevin Gausman and Charlie Morton. What?! Oh my God! I’m being notified that I won an award too! The Most Likely To Use Charlie Morton In A Comparison! Thank you! Thank you! This makes me feel happier than a little boy who never drafted Cody Bellinger.

Fantasy AL Least Valuable Player – To award this, uh, award, I went to the preseason drafts and looked for the highest drafted bust. I saw Mike Trout at 6th overall, and then *Keyser Soze making the ‘poof’ with his fingers* Trout disappeared. Hmm, not sure where he went. I was just looking at his name, and he vanished. Let me see if the Angels have any word on his whereabouts. The Angels are reporting “he’ll be back soon.” Hmm, hey, any ideas how soon? Then the word “soon” echoes for a hundred years. Dissolve to 100 years from now, and we see me with a 100-year-old mustache that wraps around my head like linen cloth wrapping a mummy’s head. Just my lips talking through the linen mummy cloth, “Has anyone seen Mike Trout?”

Fantasy NL Least Valuable Player – This award was easier to choose than which animal’s feces I’d like to send Cody Bellinger. I’m between a raccoon and a wombat. A wombat’s poop are square though, and Bellinger doesn’t deserve that cuteness. Though, Cody’s so dumb that if he hears wombat, he might try to use that shizz at the plate. Couldn’t be much shittier.

Most Valuable Player Based On Draft Price – How do you not give Shohei Ohtani this award too? I’m asking you, Kipnis, Tellez and Zimmerman, our accountants! I won’t read this envelope that says Cedric Mullins. I love Mullins too, but I won’t read it! Shohei Ohtani was drafted around 170th overall and produced a top 50 season of the last 120 years! Yes, I know Cedric Mullins was drafted around 400th overall. You wanna do a co-award? Hmm, okay, fine. As long as I’m not paying for the awards. I am paying? Then split it in half.

Fantasy POS – That’s right, Cody Bellinger, that wombat poop is to help you grip the bat. Rub it into your hands. By the by, last year’s Fantasy POS award went to Kris Bryant, so there’s hope for Cody, which is what I say before I begin another six-month trip to hell with Cody Bellinger.

Fantasy Hitter You Most Likely Dropped and Picked Up A Dozen Times – “Let me get this straight? This year’s breakout is gonna be Tyler Naquin? Haha, what a crazy April! I love this guy!…So, the honeymoon’s over, I guess. Good bye, Naquin, I always knew you sucked! …Hey, Grey, not sure if you noticed but Naquin is hitting again. …Hey, Grey, Naquin’s stopped hitting. …Hey, Grey, is Naquin hitting or not hitting? …Hey, Grey, Naquin!!! NAQUIN!!! NAQUIN!!! Damn, I think Naquin’s hurt.”

Player You Had Forever and Most Likely Should’ve Dropped – This year Alex Bregman became the Jeimer Candelarios of Alex Bregmen.

Player On The Top Of Your Waivers That You Just Couldn’t Bring Yourself to Pick Up – “His name is Robbie Grossman, are you seriously considering picking him up?” You turn to the mirror, “Yes, I’m talking to you.”

Pitcher You Streamed So Much You Ended Up Owning Him – “Okay, I’m gonna give this 87-year-old Adam Wainwright guy a shot vs. the Pirates, but that’s it.” Two months later, “Thinking I should drop Shane Bieber, Luis Castillo, Sonny Gray and Jack Flaherty and keep Adam Wainwright, agree?”

Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From, But Thankfully It Never Did – Each day he went out there and seemed to deliver one money shot after another. Admit to yourself right now you never expected this season from Marcus Semien. It’s okay, he didn’t either. With Semien being mentioned in a blurb about shoes, I just had an idea about where I’d like to see Semien end up this offseason, as a throwback to my high school years, the White Sox.

Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From and It Ended Up Kicking You in the Groin – “You keep talking about selling Jesse Winker, but this is the top 20 breakout we always knew was in him!” Oopsie. Lots of honorable mentions, Wade Miley comes to mind, and non-Reds like Tyler Glasnow (though due to injury, obviously, but you also should’ve known the injury was coming), Trent Grisham (but that was a shoe dropping from last year), and Anthony Rizzo, who went from meh to worse.

Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From and When It Did You Were Okay With It – Adolis Garcia came out of nowhere to be a top 15 overall player, and that was him taking off his ceiling, floating up about fifteen hundred miles in a hot air balloon then *raspberries lips* zooming back to earth, but still being around a top 55 player, which is still awesome for a waiver wire pick up.

Player You Traded Away That You Most Regretted – “Salvador Perez has 15 homers already, I’m playing with house money! I’m gonna trade him for Daniel Bard and Ramon Laureano. This is such a slam dunk I’m gonna win this year’s Dunk Contest!”

Player You Traded For That You Most Regretted – “Grey, I know you say don’t trade in the preseason, but I just got Christian Yelich for Javier Baez and Mitch Haniger. Yes, I want that Yelich bounce back! I’m to winning what winning is to losing!”

Top SAGNOF – Cedric Mullins/Mark Melancon – Remember, the essence of SAGNOF is cheap saves and steals. No one came close to cheapness on saves than Melancon. If you can remember all the way back to March, Melancon wasn’t even drafted in shallower leagues. I took him in my NL Only Tout Wars league, and Rudy immediately texted me, “You better back him up.” Saves were about the only thing I didn’t need to back up. If only I could’ve backed up and redid my draft pick of Bellinger! As for Mullins, he was more than just steals, and he went around 400th overall, so, yeah, that’s SAGNOF and more!

Remember That Feeling You Had When You Walked In On Your Parents Having Sex, This Pitcher Gave You That Feeling Every Fifth Day – “Hey, mom, do you know where my remote control is–OH MY CHRIS PADDACK WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY TEAM STOP!! GET OFF OF HER!!! THAT’S MY MOMMY!!!”