Simeon Says, “Let My First Start Be Against The White Sox”

So, here’s where I give you the grain of salt. The White Sux suck. Their team name is White Sux. No worse sucking than a team named Sux. The heart of their lineup is Mendick/Sheets, which is as exciting as the Orthodox Jewish sex image it elicits. Their team batting average is .189! They are historically bad. With that aside, Simeon Woods Richardson (5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.45) looked solid. Simeon Woods Richardson is reminiscent of every other Twins’ starter prospect; he has great command. Twins’ hitting prospects? Can’t stay healthy. Twins’ starter prospects? Economical. Simeon Woods Richardson doesn’t have great strikeout-potential. Those Ks from yesterday were due to the Sux. Simeon Woods Richardson looks like an 8 K/9, 2.5 BB/9, 4.00-4.25 ERA guy who will have some matchups appeal. Do I keep saying Simeon Woods Richardson vs. SWR because the latter sounds like a girl R&B group? Yes, and I don’t like Single With Rhythm’s biggest hit, U Wishin’ Me Well (Know U Not). Think I’m gonna just call him Minnesota Fatname. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Edouard Julien – 2-for-4 and his 6th and 7th homer, as he was moved down to the two hole, but he kinda should be the Twins’ leadoff guy and their two-hole hitter and three-hole guy and cleanup hitter, while being the most similar to a number five hitter.

Carlos Santana – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. Carlos Santana’s now in his post-Smooth era.

Griffin Jax – 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.53, and his 4th save. Pen gave up a run today so Baldelli could say, “Jump in Jax,” and it sorta makes sense why Sano was never comfortable there.

Jose Miranda – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer, as he bats 8th and was removed later in the game for Kyle Farmer. In all seriousness, I think Baldelli does more harm than good when he platoons everyone. No one knows their role. “Am I the leadoff hitter? Only vs. lefties? Hitting 8th vs. righties?” There’s something to Snitker just rolling with 90% of the same lineup every day.

Yoshinobu Yamamoto – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.54. His ERA is 2.00 if you exclude games played in South Korea. Seemingly intelligent people were fading Yamamoto in late drafts because of one goofy start that was basically extended Spring Training.

Teoscar Hernandez – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, hitting .255. Whoever gets the “last year it was J.D. Martinez, this year it’s Teoscar” role next year, just draft them. Whether it’s Teoscar again or Conforto or Ozuna or Kevin Newman. It doesn’t matter!

MacKenzie Gore – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.12. Even though the Streamonator loved this start vs. the Dodgers, if you started him, you could make a giraffe out of the balloons you have in your pants.

Keibert Ruiz – 0-for-4 as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s Get Him In Your Lineup Department said, “Casual Fridays to me says a Speedo and a lobster bib, too caj?”

Will Brennan – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in the last four games, and hitting well in the last week, though sitting out vs. lefties. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but he’s not a bad schmotato play in daily leagues.

Jose Ramirez – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and a slam (5) and legs (3), and 2nd homer in the last three games. He’s so ridiculously consistent year after year and it’s taken for granted during draft season.

Triston McKenzie – 4 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.91. I’d say he looks cooked, but anything related to cooking or eating with Triston and his rake-like physique doesn’t make sense.

Freddy Peralta – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.18. Occasionally, in a great matchup, FreddyKBB turns into his evil alter ago, FlakyKBB, who is not trustworthy.

Trevor Megill – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.59 and his 1st save, as Joel Payamps worked a clean 8th inning. Payamps was locked in for the last three games just like Uribe was locked in for three games before that and Megill will be locked in for next three games and then Elvis Pegeuro. The people who spent $100+ (out of $1000, but still) on Payamps this past Sunday in FAAB are completely bizzonkers.

William Contreras – 2-for-4, 3 runs and a slam (5) and legs (2), hitting .365. Think I mentioned this the last time he had a big game, but you write 3000 words a day about baseball and not repeat yourself. Contreras is the best catcher in fantasy on the Player Rater, after finishing as the best catcher last year. Will he finally get drafted as the first catcher next year or will he be passed over again for guys like Adley and Smith?

Joey Bart – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Joey Bart changed scenarios and came alive. We call that “pulling an ex-Cardinals outfielder.”

Mitch Keller – 5 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.14. I bet he clicks at some point. I still believe. Am I holding until that happens? Not in shallower leagues. You have to be a different Keller to not see how poor he’s pitching.

Pete Crow-Armstrong – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. I gave you my Pete Crow-Armstrong fantasy yesterday. It was written all over your face.

Hector Neris – 1 IP, 0 ER, zero hits, two walks, zero Ks, ERA at 4.00. I’d love to toot my own horn and be like, “I got Neris for $1 and people were paying $5 for Payamps,” but Neris looks like hot garbage that was left in the glove compartment of a car parked in the depths hell, and, if I could toot my own horn, I’d never leave my house. Adbert or even Leiter would still be a hold for me.

Javier Assad – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.00. Hmm, time to take a can opener to my cranium and check out this guy further. So, he has a weak-sauce fastball, 8.7 K/9, 3 BB/9, 4.01 xFIP and 87.3% LOB% (more like LOL%), but gives up no Hard Contact. This is exactly the kind of guy that we used to ignore, that we should not. He has 174 IP in the majors and a 2.90 ERA. That’s something.

Brenton Doyle – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 3rd and 4th steal. Hey, that’s Nolan Jones’s music!

Hunter Goodman – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Meh, he’s fine for NL-Only, but what I’d like to say is: Bud Black will never play Sean Bouchard, a career .300 hitter in 130 ABs with seven homers, and never plays. Ever. He hates him. For no reason.

Jurickson Profar – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Mr. Irrelevant was so last week’s hot schmotato! Profar won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but he might be hot still.

Ha-Seong Kim – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Heard the other day Hosmer saying when Kim was nervous, he would go into the clubhouse and rip cigs, and now I take back anything I ever said negative about him. Ha-Seong doesn’t hit a single? Then he hits a loosie!

Zack Gelof – Hit the IL with an oblique strain. Karma’s a bitch, but obliques are the worst (I made it rhyme and I’m singing it like JoJo Siwa).

Nestor Cortes – 7 IP, 3 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.50. Hey, vs. the A’ss, you want more, but, since MLB doesn’t know how to schedule games ever since that couple I watched a 30 for 30 about stopped doing their schedules this was the only game last night, he looked good. Got beat on a few good pitches by a few terrible hitters (Nick Allen hit his 1st homer? Are you a furniture store a baseball player? ), but Cortes had a little nastiness going on.

Alex Wood – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 6.59. Pretty sure the way to get the Yanks out is to let them load the bases. Wood gave the Yanks blue balls.

Salvador Perez – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Sal P. doesn’t do nothing except Do The Right Thing.

Cole Ragans – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.90 vs. Jose Berrios – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 1.23. Wow, I totally see why Ragans was being drafted 200 picks before Berrios. Not being sarcastic at all! Great stuff!

J.P. Crawford – Hit the IL with an oblique strain. “Hello, Sharks! I join you today with a revolutionary idea! A scalpel that can be used to remove obliques, since we don’t need them and they only cause pain! Mr. Wonderful, can you come forward so I can show you how it works?”

Ty France – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. A French fly!

Luis Castillo – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.15. He’s somewhere between the 2nd and 7th best starter in baseball, and prolly being looked at like, “Is he top 15 still?” So, buy low.

Wyatt Langford – 0-for-3, 1 run and his 1st steal, hitting .253. Wow, his first steal! This guy is great! Good call Hype Machine! May I have another?

Nathaniel Lowe – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. Also, in this game, Josh H. Smith (2-for-4) hit his first homer. Elias Sports Bureau said, “This is the first time three players homered for the first time since prolly another game this month, guessing here.” That organization’s trivia has really gone downhill.

Zack Wheeler – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners (4 BBs), 8 Ks, ERA at 1.93. Crazy that Wheeler’s going to be the number one starter off the board next year, and the Mets just let him walk to a division rival.

Bryce Harper – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, as he returned from paternity list. Harper has had two children born midseason, and both times he homered in his first game back. And you thought the boom of the baby batter was only for Semien.