Roman Anthony is objectively a cool name. Perfection, no notes. Not like Nick Kurtz. No offense to his hitting, but, if I were to critique that, I’d say it’s too close to Dick Hurtz. It should’ve been Dick Kurtz to clearly nod at the groin allusion or they should’ve went with, like, Jerry Kurtz. Jerrish Kurtz is solid. Not enough people use Jerrish. “Jerrish Dalove Kurtz, now your baby is perfectly named, get it out of here.” That’s me in my new job, which is to stand in maternity wards and name babies. Roman Anthony? Those parents knew what was up! So, the perfectly-named Roman Anthony is also perfectly ready to take on MLB pitching. He looks like he could’ve been a 30/30/.250 player this year if he were in the majors. Basically, a top 20 talent. He’s the top name left in Itch’s Prospect Stash list. When we see him is the only question mark. Will he be up next week or next month? Tomorrow or the last Friday of August? I don’t know, no one knows. You have to stash him now, otherwise you’re gonna feel dumb. By the way, don’t use Jerrish Dalove to name your baby without paying me. This baby-naming stuff ain’t free. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
PSYCHE! This post was released a week early for Patreon members. It will be released all year early for Patreons, so if people are getting a jump on you, it’s because they paid the $10. Anyway, the Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell:
BUY
Agustin Ramirez – He’s listed here, because you have to start every Buy with him. It’s in the Razzball by-laws!
Jose Trevino – Tyler Stephenson just returned from the IL, and he’s the Reds’ number one catcher, but Trevino is French for Three Wines, and I’m literally drunk. I just typed that with a burp. Also, Trevino has been hot.
Jac Caglianone – Last week Roman Anthony was in this section and now he’s the lede. Do you see a pattern? Are you ready for 15 jokes next week of me thinking Caglianone is who Robert Duvall played in The Godfather? Royals gonna really have Pasketti and Caglianone on the same team? I have questions (for the mob), y’all!
Ryan O’Hearn – Mentioned this earlier in the week when I was trumpeting my own bugle, but I didn’t go up to $300+ for Kurtz in FAAB, so didn’t get him, but I did go to $10 (out of $1000) and got O’Hearn everywhere. This is the world’s smallest flex.
Michael Toglia – If he was dropped in your league, then that was pretty smart! Good move, droppers! But he might be heating up and time to get back in. At least when in Coors.
Gavin Lux – The King of 4020 is Luis Arraez, but could Lux be on the Royal Court? Can we coronate? (By the way, I said the preceding lines aloud while typing them and the person next to me at the Starbuck’s called the police.)
Caleb Durbin – Sorta on the same note as O’Hearn and Kurtz, I put in a $1 bid for Durbin and got him when Kurtz went for $27 (out of $100 this time), and that feels like highway robbery. I am a Caleb-jacker.
Luis Urias – If I’m being real with you, I like any A’s in Bing Bong Stadium, similar to the Suckies in Coors. If I’m being realer than real — ice real! — I don’t think Urias is that good, in general.
Jorge Polanco – Doubtful that it lasts, but ride the Jo-Po Express until it breaks down and/or gets detoured to another schmotato.
Gleyber Torres – He is a 17/5/.275 hitter, who is masquerading as a 17/25/.300 hitter, but steals are more about want and he may want ’em.
J.P. Crawford – Put a nickel in the swear jar, because Just Peachy is cursing us this week with, “Do you pick him up because he’s hot even though you know it won’t last?”
Ceddanne Rafaela – Having Ceddanne here is counterintuitive to leading with Roman Anthony — something’s gotta give here — but Ceddanne has been hot.
Noelvi Marte – Hey, honest question, what day of the month does MLB test for PEDs and has Noelvi asked you for your pee? How awkward would it be if he asked you for your pee, then you reported him to MLB and he was like, “I just wanted your pee, sir. I am a collector!” So awkward, right? I’m keeping an eye on Noelvi’s Statcast to see if he’s a product of his trip to Coors or actually coming around and it looks a lot like the latter.
Ben Williamson – Saw he was doing well on the 7-day Player Rater and I was like, “Aw, sookie, I get a cookie!” Then I looked at his overall stats, and, well, yeah.
Connor Norby – Never heard of this guy before, just let me check a google of “Connor Norby fantasy sleeper.” Oh, wow, December Grey on it!
Christopher Morel – He’s been hot so don’t take this the wrong way, but he’s hitting worse this year than any previous year and he wasn’t that good of a hitter in previous years.
Jordan Beck – The problem with getting goofy with Rockies hitters is they’re mostly just Coors plays, so when they’re away from Coors, what do you do with them? Bench them, I guess, but are they worthwhile enough in Coors to take up the roster spot on the bench when away–Well, I’m rambling my Rockies player thoughts, but there ya go.
Andy Pages – If I wasn’t such a whore for the sexy name up top in the lede, Pages could’ve made a case for the top Buy this week. He didn’t start well, but he’s on pace for–[Mr. Prorater smashes through the wall Kool-Aid Man-style]–damn it! I just plastered that wall. What do you want? “Pages is on pace for a 30-homer season with .270. Sorry about the wall.”
Trevor Larnach – Can’t believe Twins have a hitter under 30, who is hitting and isn’t injured. An incredible feat!
Dane Myers – He was hitting third the other day and I was thinking, “That’s cool, he’s got speed, this could be an uptick in value,” then I saw he only played vs. lefties and ouch. It says a lot about a team when your three-hole hitter is a guy who only plays vs. lefties, and it’s not saying good things.
Trent Grisham – Just gave you my Trent Grisham fantasy. It was written while doing The Mashed Potato.
Eli White – What’s that, Eli White had a better month of April than Kelenic and filed your taxes? Damn.
Kyle Stowers – Things actually look sneaky good under the hood for Stowers. Though, “sneaky good” is subjective. If you thought he was great, he’s not. Better than maybe the image that Kyle Stowers conjures in your head, if it conjures, say, “Jack Suwinski but still in the majors?” Yes.
Max Kepler – I don’t love “veteran player who is sneaky valuable but boring,” but I think Kepler is exactly that and I’m kinda surprised he’s not rostered everywhere.
Jordan Hicks – This is a Streamonator call like the call it makes to ChatGPT headquarters.
Brayan Bello – This is also a Streamonator call. “I went to high school with an AI by the name of Nancy, do you know her?”
Tommy Kahnle – Tigers are actually winning games and Kahnle could get saves or Holton or Will Vest, but, after he entered the 6th on Tuesday, I have less confidence in Vest. So, Will Vest? Yes, but why are you so concerned with my wardrobe choices? For now, I guess Kahnle with zero confidence.
Cade Smith – This week (and last) have a couple guys who could be incredible for the year. Cade and Weaver could be top ten closers if they keep getting saves.
Luke Weaver – Second verse, same as the Smith.
Shelby Miller – With Justin Martinez and Puk’s IL stints and I can’t believe I’m suggesting Shelby Miller, here we are. This is bound to blow up, or just go to someone random, like, Kids in the Hall’s Ryan Thompson or Ginkel/Einhorn/Einhorn/Ginkel.
David Bednar – “Who’s our closer? Why? Are we winning something I don’t know about?” That’s a realistic Pirates fan. I’d guess Bednar is back in the 9th, if and when the Pirates get a save opp.
Jason Adam – Never trust a man with two first names? Would you not trust Ben Franklin with everything except your sister? Is Billy Joel not the greatest of all time? What about Ricky Martin? You can even trust him with your sister! Don’t be foolish, two first names are not to fear. Jason Adam is to fear, if you’re a hitter.
SELL
Seiya Suzuki – Trying to avoid saying this is a sell based on, “Seiya, wouldn’t want to ‘be ya’ when his inevitable injury hits.” That’s there, naturally. So, that’s your one warning on his injury risk. This is more about Seiya’s early hot hitting. Is he [pauses for reflection, lowers head, thinking, then in a flash looks up] better?! Not especially. He’s not suddenly a 40+ homer hitter. He was actually hitting near-.580 on offspeed pitches when I wrote this, and that made me guffaw. He’s not catching up with fastballs as well, and his bat speed is just lagging, in general. What does that tell ya? Stop throwing him offspeed pitches. It took me two seconds to game plan him. How long will it take MLB teams? He does not look awful and lucky, but he is not having some incredible breakout; it looks like a small sample, nice April. I wouldn’t trade Seiya for night in a Nova Scotian hotel where you sleep in a giant sardine tin, but I would go to the Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and explore options.
