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See all of today’s starting lineups

# MLB Starting Lineups For Wed 8/6
ARI | ATH | ATL | BAL | BOS | CHC | CHW | CIN | CLE | COL | HOU | KC | LAA | LAD | MIA | MIL | MIN | NYM | NYY | PHI | PIT | SD | SEA | SF | STL | TB | TEX | TOR | WSH | DET | OAK

(NOTE: THIS POST WAS RELEASED EARLY THIS WEEK ON OUR PATREON. IT’S $10/MONTH.)

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, there’s no such thing as fooling someone three times. Fool me four times and, “Do you want a punch in the nose? Seriously, stop fooling me!” Fool me five times, and you’re the Royals and you’ve called up and demoted Edward Olivares that many times in the last year. If you would’ve told me the Royals could’ve roped me into buying Edward Olivares again, I would’ve told you why did I waste a genie wish on being turned into a steer and how did that cowboy rope me? Was he gentle? Check on me; I’m now a steer. Putting on Green Day and singing, “Buy Oliveras Of Unbroken Dreams,” and sobbing unnaturally. He’s burned us before? No, the Royals burned us! Olivares is a 25/15/.270 hitter that keeps getting yanked around like he’s the one who became a steer and not me. I’d grab him in all leagues, just in case this is the last time the Royals fool us. Five foolings, and that’s it! Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The new Dr. Strange movie introduces us to the idea of being able to explore other universes, or multi-verse.  I sure wish I could take that idea and incorporate it into the ever changing paradigm of baseball.  For starters, there has to be a world where the use of performance enhancing drugs are actually healthy for us to use.  Like if you could eat a can of spinach and get stronger.  That would make for a really good movie!  I don’t know, I just miss the days where you could have an exit velocity of 110 mph with a launch angle of 20 degrees and not have the ball die at the warning track.  Clearly the pitchers don’t need anything like that, since 94% of all pitchers can throw 102.  Now, give me some of that healing juice to offset the inevitable TJS that comes with such velocity.  It would also be nice to have a universe where Byron Buxton stays healthy all season!  Ok, that might fracture the fragile multi-verse!  Maybe just 140 games…Baby steps. 

Why, you may ask, would we want to change the game that we love so much?  Well, for starters, I imagine the marketing dept for MLB is a room full of old white men who want to suck the fun out of everything.  The unwritten rules and all!  I can remember the buzz around StL when McGwire and Sosa were exchanging knock out blows….but I guess we would rather see the like of Edwin Jackson, Dallas Braden, and Phil Humber collect no-hitters like Pokeman cards. 

Oh well, maybe we will just have to settle for today’s game.  If we have to settle for that, then you have to settle for this next installment of Getting Ahead in Head to Head!  

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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Secretly, what no one could know, before yesterday’s game in Milwaukee, Christian Yelich hired a hitman. Did he want something done to a person? Heavens no! His fine eh eff mother raised that boy well! No, what Yelich wanted done he whispered into the ear of the hitman he hired off of Craigslist. Thanks to scouts Razzball hired, we know what was said, and by ‘scouts,’ I mean eavesdroppers. Yelich whispered, “Take this baseball bat that does me no good, and beat the shi*t out of the humidor until it no longer functions.” Yelich said the only way they’d know definitively that the humidor is busted is if Keston Hiura (1-for-4, 2nd homer) could hit it out. Job well done, Humidor Hitman! Yelich also benefited from his own mafia ties (3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (4) and legs (3). The humidor hit was especially nice for me since two benefactors were two of my sleepers, Luis Urias (1-for-4, and his 1st homer, hitting leadoff), and the big star of the game, Willy Adames (2-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs) hit his 7th and 8th homer, as he hits third. That sleeper of mine makes up for my Jarred Kelenic sleeper post! *dodges tomato* It doesn’t make up for it? *dodges another tomato* Okay! Geez! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

In a medium whose format champions concision, I assume blurb writers follow a style mandate: Say as much as one can, in the fewest words possible. They surely must have a Strunk & White guide of their own. Imagine if Strunk & White had Twitter. Imagine their replies. “Gadzooks,” they might say, “I am agog at the critique I posted this evening!” they might say. Those dudes would post grammar rules every day and get roasted. Meanwhile, I find myself flummoxed when facing and critiquing wordy blurbs, as I preach brevity on a pedestal hewn from my own satirically tangled diction. It’s one thing to giggle at the classic, “Do as I say, not as I do.” It’s another thing entirely to throw rocks at a glass house, especially when my glass house follows the architectural logic of the Winchester mystery mansion. 

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Welcome back to another edition of the wire, where we check in on guys swinging hot bats who should be free to pick up. Hopefully your team is off to a blazing start, crushing the competition and setting the weekly high score. But if it isn’t, fret not for there are some hot hitters out there turn the ship around. Plus even the best teams can always get better. It’s still too early in the season for ratios to stabilize but we can use these early season performances as a guide to try and gauge a hitter’s value and what they can do for your team. So sit back, relax and heed my wisdom. Then run to the wire and upgrade your team.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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May the Fourth was with Rowdy-D2, as he had the night, that every hitter used to have in 2019, 4-for-6, 8 RBIs and his 6th and 7th homer. Anyone who asks, I say grab Rowdy Tellez. You down to Jarred Kelenic or Rowdy Tellez and I’m Tellez who I want who I really really want. Wanna see who’s hot? Look at the 7-day Player Rater. Don’t have to scroll far down for Tellez. Wanna see a gorgeous Statcast page? Look at Tellez’s. I wrote a sleeper post last year for him, but my one caveat was: Does he have playing time? He struggled to find it; Jays shipped him off and now he won’t be denied, especially not on the planet of Tater-ooine:

Sorry, these are just so cringe that I can’t resist. Also, having a great night, and now deserves a Colt 45, was Andrew Cutchrissian (4-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs):

Okay, okay, one more, and this is the worst one, which makes it the best, Luis Chewurias:

Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?